Ages ~Reminisce and Regret~
by
Jennifier D.
jennifier_chan@yahoo.com
Author's ramblings: I know I'm going to bore everyone with this, so bear =
with it for a while ne? Anyway, this is the second GacktXMana fic I =
wrote... [Hmmn... I like this pairing a lot too.] Just saw Mana's new =
image for Gardenia ^^ Looks like his old self... I'm so happy! And he =
looks so pretty... Kozi looks damn cool though and Klaha is not bad. =
Quite... stately. Man I love their eight-inch platforms! Wai~ I'll kill =
to have a pair T-T Thank you Cat, for the photos and review on Gackt's =
concert! *sighs* Why must I live on this miserable island so faraway =
from Japan? *wants to hunt down the cosplayer who looks like Gackt and =
keep him at home*
Disclaimers: As usual, I don't own anyone and everything inside is =
fiction, so don't freak over what happens.
Date started: 100601
-----
As if suspended in the middle of time
all memories are frozen...
Your hands, which I long to hold in mine
have already disappeared with your presence
---
He walked slowly towards the location they are supposed to meet their =
potential vocalist with his heart in his throat, yet his actions =
betrayed none of that. Could it really be him? He had waited and =
searched for so long... when he heard that voice again, he almost had a =
cardiac arrest.
"Mana? What's the matter?"
Mana looked up and smiled briefly. "Nothing."=20
Kozi was supposed to accompany him for the trial session, but something =
cropped up in the last minute and Kami came along instead. The music in =
the karaoke lounge was loud and harsh to Mana's sensitive ears, and he =
winced when he heard someone going off key when he tried to sing a =
particularly high note in one of L'Arc~en~Ciel's songs. He would have =
asked for a tape recording if their situation was not so urgent. The =
record company had already warned them that if they didn't find =
themselves a vocalist by the end of next month, they would be dropped =
from the company.
He could hear his heart pounding as they neared the designated room. =
Would he still love him? Would he still remember him in the first place? =
What if he doesn't remember him anymore? There were so many questions =
buzzing around in Mana's head, he didn't notice the that Kami had =
already entered the room until the latter called for him.
"Mana?"
Mana steeled himself, then stepped into the room, his eyes meeting their =
new vocalist's for the first time; his breath caught in his throat when =
the hauntingly familiar pair of eyes gazed back at him.
The other's eyes had also widened in surprise before he composed himself =
and gave Mana a beautiful smile, then bowed slightly.
"Kamui Gakuto desu. Hajimemashite..."(1)
Mana smiled in return, feeling light-headed with realisation. He had =
found him!
He had finally found his prince...
"Hajimemashite. Mana desu."
-----
[Mana]
He left me again.
Like what happened so many years ago, he left me for another world. Yet, =
this time, he didn't vanish from my sight like the last time. He simply =
flew away with the wings I had given him.
Maybe... maybe if I had tried to make him stay by my side by turning him =
into what I am, things wouldn't have turned out the way they did?
My vampire prince...
If only I had really made you my vampire price that few hundred years =
ago, you wouldn't leave me now, would you? You used to love me so much, =
you were the one crying when death decided to steal you from me...
Now, I'm the one left behind shedding lonely tears.
Have times really changed, and people together with them? Why don't you =
remember me? Why can't you remember how much I used to love you...?
I gave you everything you wanted.
Dreams...
Success...
Beauty...
Love...
But you still left me.
Do you know that no one can replace you?
That you will always have the key to my heart?
"Mana?"
Ah, Kami... You love him too, don't you? You love our vampire prince =
too...
"Are you alright?"
No, I'm not.
"Yes, I'm fine. Why aren't you home yet?"
There are so many masks I donned in the several lifetimes I lived =
through alone as a vampire, yet, the current one is the closest to my =
true self. Sometimes, I'm so tired of pretending, I simply long for =
death. A thousand years is a long time... and all these memories are =
only sweetened by his presence. If he doesn't exist, I would have gladly =
embraced death, but I keep myself going, passing through centuries =
alone, so that I can see him once more.
"Gakuto wants me to give you something."
Why? Didn't you decide to leave my world already? Why do you give me =
painful reminders of what I have lost? Why are you so cruel? If I meet =
you again in your next lifetime, I'll-
He wrote me a letter?
"I've got to go, Mana." Kami looks at me with a look akin to what? Pity? =
I don't need your pity! I know that you share with him a kind of =
closeness that I will never achieve, but remember this, Kami-- he was =
mine long before you even exist! You humans are such proud creatures, =
you forget how fragile you actually are, compared to the rest of the =
creatures in this world. I can easily kill you with a single hand, yet I =
shall not do that, because it will only sully my hands. I will not touch =
him with sullied hands because he will only receive the best from me... =
"I'll see you at practice tomorrow."
I close my eyes, then clench the letter in my hand hard with a bitter =
smile. His letter...
/-/Dear Mana,
I'm so sorry that this is the only way I can converse with you. I will =
talk to you face to face, in fact, I want to, but that is only possible =
if you'll allow it and I know you won't. If this letter has upset you in =
some way, I'll like to let you know that I do not intend for it to do =
so.
Do you know that when I first saw you walking into the karaoke lounge, =
my heart simply stopped? I thought I was dreaming... because you had =
been appearing in my dreams long before I met you. I believe that he may =
be my last incarnation, if such things do exist, and his lover looks =
exactly like you. Although the my last incarnation lived in a different =
time and loved different things, I can still feel his love for his lover =
so deeply and profoundly. Of course, it is disturbing when his lover =
looks like you, but I've learned to separate myself from him, and thus, =
his emotions.
The reason why I accepted the role of the vampire prince is because that =
is a role I secretly desire... the lover of my last incarnation is an =
eternal being... he can live forever while the I couldn't and all I =
could do was let him watch me die with a broken look in his eyes. I =
didn't have the courage to accept the burden of immortality in the past, =
and it's too late for me now.
Why are you telling me all these, you must be asking me now. A few days =
ago, I saw the same broken look your eyes, and it left me upset and =
sleepless for nights. I had let my own selfish desires hurt you... and =
myself in return. I'm doing the same thing all over again, hurting the =
person I love most, but I'm still too cowardly to face the truth until =
now.
All I want to tell you is I'm extremely grateful to you for lending me =
your dream and in turn, making it mine. You'll always be the fair lady =
in my heart.... even long after you have chosen another. I know Kozi can =
give you the happiness I can't manage to even grasp. That is one of the =
reasons why I chose to leave. But the ironic thing here is, I'd only =
managed to hurt you more by doing that, right? I'm so useless...
Please remember, I still love you, and will continue doing so forever =
and ever... even long after I can no longer stay by your side... Parting =
is momentary, as we are all human, so I hope I can meet you again in my =
next lifetime, with a better outcome than the present.
Yours truly,
Gackt Camui/-/
I put the letter down with trembling hands. He remembers! He remembers =
everything... our past, our love...
Gakuto...
Hastily, I pick up my guitar case and leave the studio, my heels =
clicking sharply against the floor of the hallway. There is a tone of =
finality to his letter... What does he mean by meeting me again in my =
next lifetime? I'm not going to let you kill yourself! After waiting for =
you for so long... I'll never forgive you if you do that.
Wait for me, Gakuto...
-----
[Gackt]
I stroke his unsmiling face on the photograph we took last year during a =
Christmas celebration with our fans, my hands shaking ever so slightly. =
I know what he is... I've known what he is since the day I retrieved all =
my past memories, but I've been trying to avoid the truth all along =
because I'm afraid, like I've been afraid so many years ago... I'm =
afraid of the touch of eternity.
It didn't take me long to figure out why he formed Malice Mizer.
He was looking or me.
All those songs he wrote... they cried out for me. I can hear my name =
whispered between the notes, longingly, lovingly and sorrowfully.
I move my hand to grasp the stake next to me carefully. I know he will =
come to look for me after reading that letter. I've written it in such a =
way that he'll definitely come. This time, he will die...
I know I'm being selfish, but this is what I really want to do. Only by =
doing this, I can be-
There are hesitant knocks on the door. Why are you afraid of facing me, =
my love? Are you afraid that I'll reject you? I'll never reject you, =
Mana... I can't bear to.
"Gakuto?" He stands at the doorway hesitantly, his hair slightly =
dishevelled, his cheeks flushing faintly from all the running with his =
guitar case.
"Come in." Making sure that the stake stays hidden in my back pocket, I =
let him into my home with a gentle smile.
He places his guitar carefully by the side of my shoe rack, then steps =
into the apartment, his short skirt hitching up to reveal his pale, =
smooth legs when he tries to remove his mid-calf boots. He doesn't seem =
to realise that and I admire them for a moment before I stop him, =
kneeling down before him to help him unlace his boots instead. I can't =
help giving a small smile when he starts to adjust his skirt to cover =
his recently exposed thighs with an embarrassed look on his face. =
Mana... it's not as though I've never seen your body before... I long to =
hold you in my arms like how I used to. Like all those times when we =
would sneak into each other's rooms in the middle of the night during =
our tours to avoid suspicion, only to find out that the others have =
known all along...
When his boots are totally unlaced, instead of moving away, I reach =
forward to wrap my arms around his waist, stunning him briefly. Pressing =
the side of my face against his lower abdomen, I feel his hands encircle =
my head gently, stroking my hair.
Mana...
I love you, Mana...
"You remember our past." Mana speaks softly, his fingers still entangled =
in my hair.
Yes... I do. And I still love you.
"Yes."
But I don't want the promise of eternity, Mana. I don't want to live =
eternally, because it's so painful. We'll have each other, but it'll be =
too painful... I have faith in our love, but time can change all things. =
I don't want to wake up one day realising that our love is no longer =
strong enough to keep us together.
"Then let me-"
"No." I gaze upon his stunned face, then reach up to stroke his wet =
cheeks. "I don't want to live forever, Mana..."
"You... you don't love me anymore? But in your letter..."
I do. I still do. I love you more than I love my own life... but I can't =
let you turn me into a vampire.
"I lied." Pain make itself known in my upper abdomen and I know that =
it's a sign for me to finish up whatever I want to do. I won't have much =
time left now...
Pulling out my stake, I quickly stand up on wobbly legs and plunge it =
into his chest before he can even blink in surprise. Pressing my lips =
against his to silence his cry of pain, I can feel my own tears falling. =
I'm so sorry that I have to put you through so much pain, Mana... but =
it's a must.
"Gakuto..." You look so betrayed... but I'm sure you will understand =
what I'm doing in a while's time...
"I lov-" Before I can finish what I want to say, I start coughing, and =
my blood spills down my chest, dying the white shirt I'm wearing a =
bright crimson.
"Gakuto! What's happening?! Why are you-" Even when you are in so much =
pain, you still think about me first. Why am I so foolish to think that =
you never cared back then...? You used your cold indifference to hide =
your shy nature... why did I never realise that? I thought you are no =
longer capable of feeling anymore, but it seems as though I'm wrong...
"We'll be together again, Mana..." I grip the stake and push it further =
into his chest, making him cry out in pain. Blood won't stop flowing =
from my mouth and nose, and my breathing is becoming more difficult with =
each passing moment. Bending over slightly, I brace myself against him =
as my body start convulsing in reaction to the poison I took.
"Gakuto...!"
"I love you, Mana..."
"I... love-" I hold his hand tight, smiling at him before my eyes start =
to close slowly. I start sinking down onto my knees again. This time, he =
sits down with me, cradling my head in his arms like he never wants to =
let me go...
I can feel this darkness, which is so familiar, embraces me again =
gently; at least, this time I know I will not be alone...
Hold me Mana... and I'll never let you go.
---
But I remember what it felt like
to be totally embraced by your love
so I shall seek feverently in this lifetime
hoping that I can meet you again...
---
Transition
Like images that flicker endlessly on a white screen
flashes of our past play across my memory
In this room where the two of us used to exist
there is only my lonely shadow left pinning
Quietly, I think about the changes that occurred
our lives forever changed by them
In the middle of our frozen time
I long to see that smile of yours again...
Your murmurs echo even within dreams
I fear the time of awakening
When I open my eyes to the world again
all these will simply be an old memory
Why do I feel such fear?
Maybe my heart has finally recognised the inevitable
the truth which my mind refuses to accept--
the ending of a dream that is never born
You will be gone forever from those dreams
lock in a monochrome memory of shadows
disappearing from my life quietly
like what you have once promised
Here, I still sit in our room patiently waiting
the memories of times past haunting me
Time stands still here only for the two of us
you took eternity with you when you left...
Transition...
As I open the music box in my memory
I too, will change...
(c) Jennifier D., 15052001
---
Side notes:
(1) "Kamui Gakuto desu. Hajimemashite..."
Translates to : I'm Gackt Camui. First time meeting you/Nice to meet =
you...
It's part of the Japanese etiquette to be polite... but my assumption =
here is most people know what that means, but I'll put it down in case =
some don't. Welcome to the wonderful world of Japanese! It's a great =
language, isn't it?
After notes: Hmn, just one thing I feel like whining about here... I =
kinda screwed up the fic right? Damn! *goes and bangs her head against =
the wall repeatedly* Demo, I still want Gackt~
Date completed: 100601
Last revised: 130601