Masquerade

Comments: this is written with my whole heart, it's weird and a little
psychic, just warning you ne? I just felt like that tonight and I had
the urge to write my feelings down so I did and that's what got out of
it. Please give me some C/C!

THANKS to yk2 and puka-chan for their nice comments to my last fic, and
to alexeil for her sweet comment's to my other fic MASK! ^_^ I am so
happy to know you! *hugesandcuddlesyaall*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I'm not what I seem to be.

Yes, that's right. Most of the time, I'm acting. I guess I would make
and incredible actor if I would try. But I wont.
It's not what I want.

I want something else....


I guess you're asking now, why I'm acting then, also if it's not on
stage, but in real life, nee?

The answer is easy.

Because I can't otherwise.

I know it sounds strange, but....I can't stop acting. It's like a
need...a need who want to be filled.

Believe me, I do WANT to stop, I want to just be myself, but I failed
as often as I tried. Each time I would fall back into my habit and
then....before I realized it, I was acting, playing again.

In some strange way I guess I am myself. To act is one part of me, I
can't deny but.....I know I'm not like I want to be. Deep in my heart, I
can feel I want to be another person, not this one I am now.

I want to be free, strong and open. I want the courage to say what I
think, although it's not what I am supposed to say.

And I can't.

I want to scream as loud as I can, on the top of my lungs, if I feel
the urge to do it. I want to cry, when I want to.

All this, I can't do.

So I'm pretending again.

I'm smiling when inside I want to cry.

I'm quiet when I only want to scream and shout.

I'm shy, when I should have the courage to just do it.

And that's what I am and what I'm not.

Strange, isn't it? Psychotic even.



You see, I'm longing for that one person. The only one who I am sure
would understand me perfectly, truly and with every cell of his heart and
soul.

I'm longing so much, sometimes I can't bear it.

He's near and yet so far away at the same time. I can hear his voice,
sounding softly, strong and passionate and at the same time weak and
incredible naked. I can FEEL his voice telling me his emotions and pain.
You know, it hurt's just as much as if I see him, laughing and smiling
or maybe even crying, but can't reach out and touch him, because I'm not
allowed to.

And yet, I would give my soul and heart if I could.


I would even die, just to let him know I exist.


Do you know how that feel's? When there's a person who you are longing
for with all your heart and soul and with every cell in your body and
you can't reach him? Do you?

It's real pain to see him mostly each day, hear his voice each hour
and feel his warmth near you....

But I can't tell.......

I simply can't.

He wouldn't understand it. Heck! Not even my closest friends understand
me!

Nor even me.

.......

I envy him. Really I do.

He's himself. I know. Since I have met him, I'm changing too....

Each day going by I'm turning more to the real me I am inside. It
feel's good.

Lately I've felt so close to him...I've been getting closer to him and
didn't realize it.

Maybe, it's not hopeless after all.




Shinya turned his head upwards, smiling shyly at the man standing in
front of him and grinning broadly, barely touching the crimson strands of
hair who where falling down over the shoulders, shuddering slightly at
the feeling of 'him' under his fingertips.

"Let's go, Shin-chan....."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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