Now if I’ve said it once, I've said it less than twice - I’m usually not a big fan of dog-walking, delivery truck, misplaced prosthetic, ballet, hot dog vendor, exorcist, revisionist, film noir movies, but “Revenge of Trouble in Paradise Valley III: The Child of C. Kwells” won me over; and if you give it a chance, I’m sure you'll also agree that it won me over. All in all, I give it 2 greasy handfuls of popcorn surprise.
(This review is dedicated to one of the greatest movie critics of all-time, a man who left us much too soon – Gene Siskel [or Roger Ebert. I always got the two of them confused. The ugly, bald one, not the ugly, fat one]. Gene [or Roger], you will be missed, my dear friend!)
“Revenge of Trouble in Paradise Valley III: The Child of C. Kwells”
I finally had a chance to see that new, big-budget, blockbuster, epic, historic, star-studded narrative that everyone in the industry is talking about so that everyone in the general public has to see it or they feel dirty and ignorant. And I’m here to tell you that “Revenge of Trouble in Paradise Valley III: The Child of C. Kwells” was really something to see. And so I did.
Paulie Ratson, played deliciously here by Ralph Fiennes (pronounced: “Rafe Fines”) is a clean-cut, honest delivery boy, haunted by memories of his first wife’s yoga positions. His next-door neighbor is Harrison Ford (pronounced: “Harrison Ford”), a dog-walker named Petey who loves being “The Man In The Park.” Things seem pretty calm in their suburban LA neighborhood until Charles Kwells, played by Richard Harris (pronounced: “Wife-beating, alcoholic Irishman, if you’ll pardon the redundancy”) moves in across the street. Director Oliver Stone (pronounced: “An ego in search of a person”) has his work cut out for him here, as he has to get Tori Spelling (pronounced: “My Dad will pay Bruce Dern $20 to tear your balls off if I’m not in this movie!”) to convincingly play Harris’ daughter, a seeming innocent at first, but beneath that fake blonde hair and fake blonde breasts beats a fake blonde heart.
Tom Cruise (pronounced: “I’ll sue you if you say I’m gay”) is Ratson’s boss, and he orders Ratson to deliver one extra fake leg to the local ballet company. Harvey Fierstein (pronounced: “I’ll sue you if you say I’m not gay”) receives the delivery, but doesn’t notice the discrepancy, and goes on being whatever it is that he’s being in this movie; I think they just used his voice to adjust sound levels. The main ballerina, of course, is Julia Roberts (pronounced: “Eric Roberts in drag”), who does notice the discrepancy, but refuses to bring it to the attention of Sally Field (pronounced: “No we don’t; we really don’t”), the Grande Dame of the troupe.
When Petey shows up at the ballet rehearsal to pick up the dog of Sharon Stone (pronounced: “I insist on being taken seriously as a vaginal actress”), he inadvertently gives the dog (touchingly named “Bill Cosby Used To Be Somebody, Right?” [pronounced: "Not really"]) the extra limb to chew on. In a three-second homage to Alfred Hitchcock that seems to go on for nearly four seconds, Petey walks the dog outside and passes Elizabeth Taylor (pronounced: “Screw Betty Ford – that clinic should be named after me”) in a walk-on (actually, a stumble-on) cameo appearance. And let me tell you, Lady Liz has never been more Lady Lizlike! And I think you know what I mean.
Roberts calls her agent, played by Kevin Costner (pronounced: “A dog shaking hands is a better actor”) to moan about the extra leg, not knowing that at that very moment, Bill Cosby Used To Be Somebody, Right? is in the park sharing the leg with the dogs of Ringo Starr (pronounced: “Luckiest man on earth”), Whoopi Goldberg (pronounced: “Unashamed, quota-filling Miss Stepin Fetchit”), and Shelly Long (pronounced: “Who?”). Petey, meanwhile, has had his attention diverted by the could-once-pass-as-almost-human-looking-if-you-were-drunk-enough-but-now-is-just-plain-scary-looking Miss Spelling, who is buying a too warm Orange Crush from Paradise Hot Dog vendor Tom Hanks (pronounced: “Judge Reinhold with a better agent”).
While Petey is distracted by this, Bill Cosby Used To Be Somebody, Right? grabs the leg from the other dogs and darts into the street right in front of Ratson’s truck. I don’t want to spoil the “Crying Game”-like surprise ending for you, but you don’t want to miss Adam Sandler (pronounced: “I yell my lines REAL LOUD to show that I am VERY FUNNY”) as the veterinarian with a heart of gold, and Demi Moore (pronounced: “Eventual Suzanne Pleshette”) as the large-headed exorcist.