Is there any sentient being in America, including dogs, cats, and cockroaches, that believes that Democratic Congressman Gary Condit is NOT responsible for the murder of Chandra Levy? I know, I know, Levy has not been found dead; the case remains a missing person case; Condit could sue me for libel and defamation of character; etc., etc.

Irene Silverman's body hasn't been found, either, but that didn't stop a Manhattan jury from convicting her mother-son-lover killers, Sante and Kenneth Kimes, of murdering her. And as for Gary Condit suing anyone for anything, well, let him do that when he gets out on parole, in fifty years or so. You have to be named Ted Kennedy to get away with murder while in office, and Congressman, you're no Ted Kennedy!

With the death of Democratic Washington Post publisher Katharine Graham, and Democratic Party fundraiser Dan Rather's decision to make the Levy case a non-story at the CBS Evening News, the Chandra Levy investigation is now being led by the Star and National Enquirer magazines.

The Enquirer reports that the congressman has bragged of having slept with over 1,000 women, has a sociopathic, "Jekyll-and-Hyde" personality, and that two underage, California girls charged him with having raped them fifteen years ago, when they were both fifteen years old, but that their respective cases "went away."

Meanwhile, the Star succeeded at hunting down the Congressman's fugitive, career-criminal-drug-addict brother, Darrell, in Florida. Darrell Condit, 49, has spent 18 years, or the majority of his adult life, in prison. Based on Darrell Condit's reputation for being bad news -- based in part on a 32-page rap sheet that includes armed robbery and auto theft -- the Star reporter made sure to take two bodyguards with him, when he went to interview Darrell, who said he had "nothing to do with it." Darrell Condit had been staying in a fleabag Fort Lauderdale motel, while working at a construction site for most of April. He then disappeared, only to return in early May, aided by a cane.

Let's see. Congressman Condit lied to police about his relationship to Chandra Levy, later claiming that the fact he was embroiled in a white-hot affair with the missing woman was "private." He further lied to police, in claiming to have been with Democratic ABC reporter and old flame, Rebecca Cooper, on May 1, the day of Levy's disappearance, when in fact he was not with Cooper until May 2. He has had staffers misleadingly suggest that the congressman does not have a car. He tried to get one of his many lovers, flight attendant Anne Marie Smith, to lie in a sworn affidavit, denying that they were lovers.

Early on, Condit had his people float the zillion-to-one longshot, according to which Chandra might have been killed by some diabolical serial killer who just happened by her apartment while she was working on her computer the day she was killed, er disappeared, and who then ingeniously disposed of her body.

Condit hired high-priced, Democratic shyster, Abbe Lowell, who announced that Condit had passed a lie detector test. What Lowell left out, was that the polygraph was as scientific as the one the fictional detectives on the TV show Homicide used to get the truth out of scared teenagers. They would stock a photocopier with paper on which the words "You Lied!" were typed. They would then have the teenage suspect put his arm down on the glass, and ask him if he were guilty of the crime. When the kid denied his guilt, a detective would hit the "print" button, and out came the truth! The only difference, is that for Gary Condit, Abbe Lowell stocked the photocopier with paper that said, "You told the truth!"

Another Condit PR coupe was in hiring Democratic flack Maria Ein, who promptly announced that Condit had "hit a home run" in his "polygraph" test. Home Run Ein also told no less than three reporters, that Chandra Levy was a slut who might have been killed by one of her one-night stands. Ein-Zwei-Drei then lied about having called Levy a slut, only to be caught in that lie. Ein claimed that she would never defame Levy that way, since she has a daughter Levy's age. Chandra Levy was 24; Maria Ein is 38.

Since Chandra Levy was monogamous, and the one-night-stand-killer scam was a transparent spinoff of the diabolical-serial-killer ruse, which predated Maria Ein's entry into this saga, I'll bet the lemon ranch that it came from the mind of Gary Condit, too. Keystone Kops, meet the Keystone Killer.

Gary Condit, Abbe Lowell, Maria Ein and Dan Rather are four reasons I don't believe in Charles Murray and the late Richard Herrnstein's Bell Curve theory of intelligence. (Alan Dershowitz is yet another.) According to Murray and Herrnstein, there is a close correlation between intelligence and economic success.

The emergence of Darrell Condit gives the Chandra Levy murder case an eery similarity to Woody Allen's 1989 film, Crimes and Misdemeanors (made back in the days when Allen had something to say, and was married to a woman old enough to be his wife).

In the movie, Martin Landau plays respected Jewish ophthalmologist, Dr. Judah Rosenthal. Judah Rosenthal is one of those self-satisfied successes who gives money to Jewish charities like the United Jewish Appeal, which then turn around and give him awards. He has a beautiful, vivacious wife, wonderful daughter, and a sexy mistress.

The discreet doctor is used to having things his way, but this mistress (Angelica Huston) is becoming a ... problem. Increasingly demanding and unstable, she is threatening to go to Rosenthal's unsuspecting wife, Miriam (Claire Bloom). Rosenthal can't let that happen.

Judah Rosenthal also happens to have a younger, career criminal brother, Jack (Jerry Orbach). Like so many successful, respected men, Judah Rosenthal is not above consorting with criminals, as his brother reminds him, on those occasions when he needs to make something go away, while keeping his own hands clean. And so, the brother dispatches the mistress, and the doctor has his alibi.

The difference between the movie and real life, is that Gary Condit doesn't have an alibi for the time of Chandra Levy's disappearance, and neither, apparently, does his brother.

If there's one thing we know about Gary Condit, it's that he's a little bit nutty, and a little bit slutty. (All right: A lot!) The only negative we know about Chandra Levy, is that she was foolish enough to fall in love with Condit, and Condit alone, and to think that he would leave his wife for her. To my knowledge, Congress has yet to declare such "capitol" foolishness a capital crime.

Copyright 2001 by Nicholas Stix. All rights reserved.
Don't bring around a crowd,
to reign on my parade!