Anyway, this is what he sent back...
Hi Nick,
Well, I've foiled your cunning plans once again. After several minutes of exhausting research and several cups of coffee, I've finally finished that huge evil quiz you sent me.
Here's the entire thing, for your perusal. Enjoy.
Mike.
..........................
1. WHO OR WHAT LINKS RADIOLOGISTS, GROCERS AND PARATROOPERS?
Mrs Mabel Goodbody of Skidmark Terrace, Poshingham, right across the road from the local barracks. Her husband owns the corner store and is open all hours. So's she. So hot, it's rumoured she glows in the dark.
2. WHY MIGHT YOU WEAR RED SPOTS AFTER COMPLETING A STRENUOUS CLIMB?
It might also be asked - Why is it that clowns and drunks have red noses? Where do strippers hide all those dollar notes punters toss at them? Why is a mouse when it spins? In a world of mystery, some things just have their own logic.
3. WHAT CONNECTS ALFRED HILL WITH A MILKMAN?
A pair of fur lined handcuffs, to which they can't find the key. They're very embarassed about the whole thing.
4. WHO OR WHAT LINKS EMPEROR CONSTANTINE TO NAPOLEON?
A small, worried dog named Mathilda. A sad tragic tale that never made the history books for very good reasons.
5. WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF YOU WERE ON THE TRAIL AFTER NGUYEN TAT THANH?
"Nguyen tat thanh" can be interpreted two different ways. In the dialect of the Cambodian BikMakombo hill tribe, it loosely translates as "I'll have the water buffalo thanks, with a drink and some chips"; and in the language of the local Tikkilbotty people, can generally be interpreted as "Pardon me oh fetid-breath one, but your goat has just swallowed my grandmother." Assuming you were standing on what loosely passes for a trail in those regions, you could be headed for either the local specialty meal, or an unpleasant altercation.
Many seasoned travellers would argue that there was little difference between the two.
6. WHICH BLOOMER IS CONNECTED WITH ALCOHOL REHABILITATION CLINICS?
Angus "Call me Ang or call me Gus, but someone call me a cab!" Bloomer holds the record for " most stays at an alcohol rehabilitation clinic with no discernable effect." Angus, 41, of Hooch-mon, Scotland, manages to rack up an impressive average of around 300+ visits each year to centres up and down the country. He likes the company, he says - nice people, but a bit jittery. Angus says he'd happily stay all year round in the centres, if they'd only start having a happy hour on the premises so he "...wouldn't have to keep nipping out to the pub of an evening."
Angus Bloomer also holds the world record for having the least amount of blood in his alcohol stream.
7. WHICH PIE MEASURED 27.864 CENTIMETRES?
That would be the humble one that Nick'll have to eat when I've answered all these questions...
8. WHY IS A VARIANT OF THE TUNE THOU BONNIE WOOD OF CRAIGIELEA HEARD OFTEN IN AUSTRALIA?
Because many radio stations across the ditch are crap.
9. WHAT IS IT THAT WALKS ON FOUR LEGS IN THE MORNING, ON TWO AT NOON, ON THREE IN THE EVENING? WHO IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE ASKED THIS QUESTION AND WHO ANSWERED IT?
A similar question to this was asked by Duchess Celia Clappingham, after the embarassing incident concerning Cardinal Wensleydale and the Duchess's favourite teapot. Oddly enough, the answer was never recorded for posterity, and has long since been lost to the mists of time.
Along with, thankfully, the teapot.
10. WHY MIGHT YOU BE COLD IN NIVOSE?
Nivose, Alaska. POP 23.5, has the dubious honour of having the most refrigerators per head of population, anywhere on the planet (including Coolersville, Ohio, and Kelvinatorsburg, Pennsylvania.) Long rumoured to be the place where old fridges go to die. No one knows quite how the appliances come to arrive at the tiny township, but every morning, at least 10 or 15 are waiting outside the front doors of each of the local inhabitants. Numbers are far higher during the migratory seasons. Local inhabitant Ed Longlegs has been quoted as saying "Yep, hadn't thought about it before, but I guess it is kinda weird when you look at it..."
Interestingly, of the 23.5 inhabitants of Nivose, Alaska:
21 of them are employed in the local refrigerator-stacking industry;
1 stays at home and does jigsaw puzzles; and
1 runs a highly succesful lingerie emporium.
...No one's really sure about the .5.
11. IF IT WAS 12 YEARS FOR 1, 59 FOR 3 AND 10 FOR 4, WHAT WAS IT FOR 2?
Tea. Tea for two and two for tea. Elementary in it's simplicity yet surprisingly complex in it's execution.
Mention of the word tea brings to mind for many people, visions of the Russian Tea Rooms in New York. This bears little or no consequence to the question at hand, but it does lead us to mention Rasputin - a mad monk of some note who's execution also proved surprisingly complex.
12. WHAT STARTED WITH 51 AND NOW HAS 189 (AS AT 31/12/2000)?
The world-renowned pocket-lint collection started in April 1987, by Mr Bartholomew P. Watercracker of Surrey. Not to be confused with the not quite so well known watercracker collection owned by a Mr Balthazar T. Pocketlint, also of Surrey.
13. WHAT LASTED 19.32 SECONDS IN 1996?
Mr Arthur Craddock of Billingsgate fish market. While practising for the mixed-doubles sack race at the local county fair. Miss Shirley Goodthighs, his partner in the race, was reportedly not amused. They lost the race by a wide margin. Arthur Craddock stood for the local council, placing 23rd in a voting field of 4, but ended up being elected on a technicality. Shirley Goodthighs emigrated to Patagonia and married a gaucho.
We're not sure what happened to the sack.
14. WHAT LINKS JOHN STEINBECK, GEORGETTE HEYER AND OGDEN NASH?
By a strange coincidence, all three names appear in the above sentence. The phenomena is currently under investigation.
15. WHICH VERY LARGE ISLAND COMES BETWEEN TE WAI POUNAMU (SOUTH ISLAND, NEW ZEALAND) AND TE IKA A MAUI (NORTH ISLAND, NZ)?
Australia. Provided the maps are drawn incorrectly. ...And since the global standard for map accuracy is only 90%, there's a pretty good chance. Or possibly Botswana, which is neither an island or even remotely nearby...which just proves my point.
16. IF EUGENIE IS 6, ZARA IS 10 AND DAVINA IS 19, WHO IS 14?
Samantha Ticklefeather ... The sexy little tramp next door that's going to cause some major problems for her parents when she's older.
17. WHAT CONNECTS A WISP TO A WALK?
Yes it does, and remarkably so. Albert Horsefeather set out in the mid 19th century to compile the greatest and most complete English dictionary ever attempted. It was to encompass 32 large volumes, over 15000 pages, and be 10 years in the making. For some reason known only to himself and Gerald, his best friend and favourite goldfish, Albert decided to start with "W", and wrote only three words - "wisp, what, & walk" in that order. Exhausted from his effort, Albert went off to bed without supper. All the next day, he sat at his old desk trying unsuccesfully to think of any other words beginning with "W". Disillusioned, he finally abandoned the epic project after discussing the situation with Gerald. Shortly after, Albert Horsfeather shifted to Norway, where he spent the rest of his life measuring sardines, until his untimely and horrific death in 1862 off the coast of Narvik.
18. WHAT BEGAN ON 29 JANUARY 1856?
Albert Horsefeather's unfinished dictionary. Just after tea. See above.
19. IF 9 IS 375 PARTS PER THOUSAND AND 14 IS 585, WHAT IS 22 AND WHY?
The unassuming number between 21 and 23. Always has been, always will.
20. WHAT STATUS DO THE VATICAN AND SWITZERLAND SHARE?
Along with a consortium of German and Belgian interests, they both secretly control the goblin race known as Smurfs, using them as cheap slave labour for their own nefarious purposes.
21. WHAT DO MOHAMMED BEDJAOUI, AWN SHAWKAT AL-KHASAWNEH AND ABDUL G. KOROMA HAVE IN COMMON?
Unpronounceable names. For reasons of sanity, we'll refer to them as Larry, curly and Mo.
22. IF FRANCE IS 6.55957, GERMANY IS 1.95583 AND THE NETHERLANDS IS 2.20371, WHAT IS ITALY?
3 nil against Argentina.
23. IF OTAGO IS 1869, CANTERBURY IS 1873 AND AUCKLAND IS 1883, WHAT IS WELLINGTON?
Windy.
24. IF IT IS 2.9 AT 5 FEET, 9.3 AT 50 AND 13.2 AT 100, WHAT IS IT AT 500?
Pretty damn big, whatever it is. If we're talking natural rock formations, then OK. If we're talking giant city-eating bugs, then we have a problem.
25. WHO WROTE THE FOLLOWING: "UNCLE JACK IS SENDING YOU TO AUSTRALIA. AUSTRALIA! I'D SOONER DIE"?
A wise man named Jack, who talks to himself while writing.
26. WHO SAID "WHEN SEAGULLS FOLLOW A TRAWLER, IT IS BECAUSE THEY THINK SARDINES WILL BE THROWN INTO THE SEA"?
Albert Horsefeather, aboard the Norwegian trawler "Horkdeveedevardaborkborkbork" somewhere off the coast of Narvik in 1862. Shortly before he tragically fell overboard and was ripped to pieces by hungry seagulls mistaking him for a large sardine. (see also Q 17 & 18).
27. WHAT IS THE ORIGIN OF "WHEN WAR IS DECLARED, TRUTH IS THE FIRST CASUALTY"? WHO SAID OR WROTE IT?
It's strongly rumoured that the phrase came from an incident in the 1930's when Winston Churchill and Neville Chamberlain caught that naughty scamp Adolf "call me Dolf!" Hitler with two fingers crossed behind his back while signing a note promising to be nice to Poland. When challenged, Dolf laughed off his "little joke" and called them "a jolly bunch of fellows", but Winnie and little Nev were pretty sure that their buddy Dolf didn't really want to play with them any more.
28. HOW DID A SWISS ENGINEER MAKE THINGS STICK IN THE 1956?
Well as we all know, the Swiss are very clever people, and possibly evil. Any race that invents the whole concept of time simply in order to sell more watches can't be underestimated.
Now bear in mind that Switzerland is close to Germany, and hence, Bavaria, home of the Black Forest - this is important. Apart from ice cream and chocolate, the small blue goblins of the Black Forest (who we'll call Smurfs...) spend their lives in constant toil, building countless cuckoo clocks for their ruthless Swiss and Bavarian masters.
Swiss labour laws - as they apply to Smurfs - tend to follow the "battery smurf" variety, with hundreds of the little goblins packed together in cramped apalling conditions, existing on a diet of Toblerone, chewing gum and wood shavings.
Now these poor creatures, caged together in their multitudes, produce a tremendous amount of ... well, crap. It's icky, and blue and remarkably sticky. Well, the cunning swiss, they harvest all this blue crap, package it up in little envelopes and sell it to the unsuspecting world as Blu-Tac.
And, coincidentally, it was a cunning Swiss engineer from the clockwork Toblerone factory that came up with the idea.
...But not until 1959, so back in 1956 I'm guessing he just used rubber glue like everyone else.
29. IN WHAT VISIBLE WAY DOES INDONESIA RESEMBLE MONACO?
In the same way that Florence Wilderberry and Elsie Finnegan resemble each other, in the townships of Crikey-by-the sea, and Lower Bottomtop respectively. They've never met, don't know each other and probably never will. But brave travellers and Amway salesmen who've visited both towns have often been known to remark on their similarity. The fact that Florence Wilderberry is rather short, blonde and walks with a squint, and Elsie Finnegan is tall, dark haired and married to a plumber named Dave, just makes the similarity all the more remarkable.
30. WHICH AUSTRALIAN GOVERNOR BECAME A BLACKSMITH?
Probably the only Aussie politician who ever had an honest job.
31. WHAT IS THE CONNECTION BETWEEN A SWAN, TWINS AND HELEN?
A Greek design flaw. We all know the story about the ancient Greeks besieging Troy in order to get Helen back, then finally getting through the gates by the remarkably cunning plan of hiding a bunch of soldiers in a large wooden horse...(Trojans being not all that bright it would seem...)
Well, that version's not entirely accurate, and few people know that originally it was supposed to be a giant wooden swan. Architectural plans and many concept models were built before the idea was eventually abandoned as being too daft for even the idiot Trojans to fall for.
Now bear with me, this is where our old friend Irony comes into play...
Having decided to just give up and go home after all, they set about constructing a giant wooden horse as a trophy gift for the noble defenders of Troy (and to say thanks for letting them camp in their fields). A horse was chosen because nobody had brought plans for a giraffe, which was their first choice.
Now building the horse was a huge project - it took all day. And one of the electricians who was wiring up the inside (it may have been a plumber, the records are hazy on that one) managed to doze off in the heat, and woke up at some point to find himself all alone. When he dropped down out of the trapdoor and found himself deep within the walls of Troy, he panicked, ran to the gates and opened them up, (all the Trojans were tucked up in bed by this stage) then dashed to the beach and lit a big signal fire to attract the attention of the departing Greek fleet, to say "Oi, come back you bastards, you've left me here!". So they turned around to pick him up (he was quite a jolly and well-liked fellow), and when they landed back on the beach and saw the gates of Troy standing open, they thought "Well, seeing as we're here anyway... " So they had a discussion and a quick vote (very democratic, the Greeks), and the rest is history.
Oh, and as for the twins bit, apparently the electrician had a twin brother back in Greece, who didn't actually make it to the war, because he had a sore foot that day.
32. WHO OR WHAT CONNECTS THE ELEMENTS ERBIUM, TERBIUM AND LANTHANUM?
A very brave man with rubber-soled shoes and little regard for his own safety.
33. WHAT FOLLOWS IN THIS SEQUENCE; 2001, 2007, 2018, 2029, _, _ AND WHY?
You might very well think that. I couldn't possibly comment.
34. JEAN PAUL SARTRE AND BORIS PASTERNAK DID WHAT IN COMMON?
It was never proven, so we probably shouldn't be discussing it without legal advice.
35. WHO SAID: "YOU MIGHT VERY WELL THINK THAT. I COULDN'T POSSIBLY COMMENT"?
I did. See question 33.
36. WHO WROTE: "MOM AND POP WERE JUST A COUPLE OF KIDS WHEN THEY GOT MARRIED. HE WAS 18, SHE WAS 16, AND I WAS 3"?
This guy I know from down Canterbury way. Plays the banjo I believe. Says Yee-hah! a lot.
37. ON WHICH HISTORIC OCCASION WAS THE PHRASE "WHAT GOD HAS WROUGHT" USED, AND BY WHOM?
That was the opening line to the first episode of Coronation Street, on the very first night of television broadcast in NZ. Probably delivered by Ken Barlow as he's older than God. Ironically, the show was a repeat.
38. WHERE DOES YELLOW JASMINE FOLLOW JUNIPER AND A FLOWERING PEACH?
In that fevered dream thingy after eating just one too many dodgy cheese sandwiches before bedtime.
39. WHAT FIVE-SIDED LINK EXISTS BETWEEN A HATPIN AND A KEYHOLE?
Surprisingly, Miss Dorothy Stringfellow of Bethnell Green. She'll show you if you ask, but you'll have to ask nicely.
40. WHY DID THE DARKENING ECLIPTIC CAUSE SOME PENGUINS TO BECOME ANGRY IN THE 1940S?
A little known fact about Penguins is that they can be remarkably quick to anger - a fact borne out by the disappearance of many an expedition into deepest darkest Penguin Land. Native Eskimo in surrounding areas are well aware of the threat posed by this tiny tuxedoed species. The Ogukamolee tribe have a word for danger "Oshittshittshitt" which tanslated, means "Flee! Flee! The Penguins are angry! Grab the kids and video and the microwave and head for the hills!"
They are so feared in fact, that is thought the sighting in 1939 by the captain of a Norwegian water rat trawler, of a penguin in war-paint, and carrying a small but vicious stabbing spear, was actually directly responsible for the second world war...and that that Hitler chappie just used the ensuing chaos to jump on the bandwagon.
They may look cute and cuddly, but in reality their friendly appearance hides a vicious, foul-mouthed temper, and a twisted evil little mind. Scientists have concluded that this is probably due to their unusual diet of potato chips and raw fish.
When things are going well, and they're happy with the state of the world, then everything's fine and dandy, but if just one little thing should happen to displease them...
What it comes down to, is the simple fact that even a snow flake falling the wrong way up can cause a seemingly calm and placid penguin to fly into a homicidal rage, let alone an eclipse that had the audacity to interrupt their sunbathing.
41. WHAT WORD CONNECTS SUGAR, STONE, JACK AND SLASH?
Unappetising.
42. WHO OR WHAT LINKS TOUCANS WITH CHATSWORTH AND FIVE POUNDS?
Lady Chatsworth's toucan. Bought for 5 pounds at Mr Mushnik's Emporium of Interesting Pets in Covent Garden, sometime in the summer of 1919.
She called it Nigel.
43. WHICH EDOUARD, A CROSSBREED, SAILED FROM REUNION TO FRANCE IN 1817?
That would be Edouard the Crossbreed, who set sail with his band of jolly buccanners in 1817...Or Crossbred Ed, Raving Pansy of the High Seas, as he was more popularly known.
44. WHY IS 1870MM SIGNIFICANT FOR CILAOS ON THE ISLAND OF REUNION?
That's a very good question and I was wondering when you'd get around to it. I'm glad you asked.
The answer of course is Carol Limpet. You'll be pleased to know she's out of hospital and on the mend. The bicycle's been repaired and the windmill's got a new roof now - one that can't catch fire this time. The Russians were sent home, but that's to be expected.
The donkey and the hatstand are still missing, but it could have been a lot worse. Police are currently searching for someone called Nick from Canterbury, who they think may be able to help them with their enquiries.
1870mm...That's pretty good going though, especially on a little island like that....
45. WHAT WORK OF JOHN CAMPBELL AND CLAUD PATON BEGUN IN 1911 REMAINS UNFINISHED?
The full size clay model of South America that they were building in Claud's back room. They managed to get as far as accurately reproducing a few square feet of coastline, but then ran out of room. Literally.
The project was abandoned shortly after, which was probably a good idea, as Claud's mum wasn't very happy about the whole thing anyway, and was wondering exactly where they were going to put the Andes.
What remains of this historic model is currently on display at the Schneezendorff Gallery of Utter Crap in Frankfurt.
46. WHAT WAS THE RESULT OF SOMETHING ROTTEN HAPPENING TO THE SWANKERS?
It doesn't matter. Rotten or not, swankers always get what they deserve.
47. HOW DID THE JET SET TAKE OFF WITH A TAMBOURINE?
That would be down to the hippies. "Leaving on a jet plane" was a hippy hit for Peter Paul and Mary back in the turbulent '60's. "Mister Tambourine Man" was another big hit around then. The war in Vietnam was also big at the time, and what interesting times they were: Nixon was in, Val Doonican was out, and peace love and mung beans were the order of the day... Phrases like "Dude", "Hey man" and "Charlie's in the wire!" were popular at the time and a little musical gathering at a small farm in upstate New York over a 3 day weekend was about to enter the annals of rock history. Music, war, drugs, free love...uh...
...What was the question again?
48. IF TURPENTINE IS 0.87, CHLOROFORM IS 1.489, AND ETHER IS 0.736, WHAT IS IT FOR CASTOR OIL?
Whereas turps, chloroform and ether are .9, 1.5 & .75 % respectively, castor oil is the only member of that particular group to be completely 100% pure crap.
A retrospective exhibition of "castor oil through the ages" is scheduled for The Schneezendorf Gallery in Frankfurt next month.
49. HOW AND WHERE DID SCARBOROUGH, NEPTUNE AND SURPRIZE COME IN SECOND?
Upper Finchley horse and lobster track meet, 1927. The above mentioned lobsters placed very poor seconds in their respective races against their horse opponents.
Neptune was sadly eaten mid-race by his opponent. Surprize threw his rider, broke a leg on the third hurdle and had to be put down. Scarborough fell into the water jump and was never seen again.
50. IF SODIUM IS YELLOW, LITHIUM IS CARMINE, AND SELENIUM IS BLUE, WHAT IS IT FOR TELLURIUM?
Octarine, which as any wizard worth his pottasium can tell you, is a very unusual colour indeed.
51. WHAT COMES NEXT; 1.732, 2.236, 2.646, __?
"...The number you have dialled for Mistress Sally's House of Fetish, is incorrect. Please redial using the 0900 prefix..."
52. WHAT DO BROWN AND SHARPE, STUBS', AND WASHBORN AND MOEN HAVE IN COMMON?
None of them were soldiers at Rorke's Drift.
53. WHAT DO ICELAND, SATIN AND DOG-TOOTH HAVE IN COMMON?
They're all strains of pedigree salmon manufactured by a Mr Jebediah Tuttle of Skankside, East Frogmorton. The Iceland variety is the only one able to talk, but is apparently prone to mumbling.
54. WHAT CAN BE RAMPANT, DROP, HORSESHOE OR CORBELLED?
Fenella Saucydrawers of Puddling-by-the-waters. By all accounts a quite remarkable young lady of many talents. Special discount for senior citizens and circus performers. Closed Mondays.
55. WHAT DO JAMES COOK, SIMON BOLIVAR AND CECIL RHODES HAVE IN COMMON?
They're all dead.
56. WHY MIGHT A. KAPLAN HAVE RECEIVED AN ORDINARY FANFARE?
Alberticus (Bertie) Kaplan was a very ordinary man, who had an ordinary job, came from an ordinary family, and lived a remarkably ordinary life until his death by natural, and thus ordinary circumstances in his 79th year.
The fanfare which he would have recieved at his ordinary funeral, would have been the typical, ordinary one that is played on average twice a week at the little funeral chapel where Bertie was farewelled.
...But the vicar left his xylophone at home, which was extraordinary.
There followed an acapella version of "When the saints go marching in" accompanied by spoons, a teapot and a wandering goose named Charlie, but it was nothing to write home about.
57. SOMETHING CONNECTED WITH RAG SORTERS CAME TO PROMINENCE IN 2001. WHAT?
The annual convention of the International Rag Sorters Association had their get together in Prominence, Massachusetts, earlier this year. It went very well for the most part, except that one committee member got a little tipsy and urinated on the palm tree in the lobby. He's not being invited back again.
58. WHAT DO PERCIVAL POTT, THOMAS ADDISON AND MAURICE RAYNAUD HAVE IN COMMON?
None of them have aunties called Merle, living on high-country sheep stations.
59. WHY WAS A YEAR TOO LONG FOR CHARLES TUPPER, JOHN NAPIER TURNER, AND KIM CAMPBELL?
A year's a very long time when you're far from home and missing your aunties. Not that they were necessarily all that far from home, and it's quite possible that they didn't even get on with their aunties, but that's not really the point is it? Coincidentally, none of them had aunties called Merle, living on high-country sheep stations either.
60. WHY WERE CLINTON AND GORE NEVER MORE THAN 40KM (25 MILES) APART?
Clinton the bow-legged mule, and Gore, the one-eyed bull, both live happily on the farm of Cecil and Margo Mudfinger, tucked away in Serendipity Valley, Niceville. Clinton and Gore have been best mates for years and have the run of both the farm, and the valley itself. Neither has set hoof outside the 24.75 mile long valley, nor do they have any desire to do so.
61. WHY MIGHT E. GONZALES HAVE BEEN PLEASED TO RETURN TO CARDENAS?
Ellwood "Jake" Gonzales, served twenty years in the Springfield State Penitentiary for the armed holdup of a clown school in 1980 (back when robbing clowns was still an offence). It was estimated that he got away with $397,448. 25, but the clowns (suspected of laundering money for the local mob boss) wouldn't confirm it and the money was never found, even though it was strongly believed to be hidden somewhere in the border town of Cardenas.
The day after his release, Ellwood Gonzales returned to Cardenas, then took a flight to Fiji, where he stayed happily in an expensive resort hotel until his horrific and excruciating death and eventual resurrection as a mindless zombie following a bite from a rabid Sumatran Rat Monkey while breakfasting on his balcony.
Incidentally, the clown school involved was the scene of a mass tragedy the week following the robbery, when 127 clowns were found dead throughout the campus grounds in an apparent mass coincidental suicide. Each clown having shot himself twice in the back of the head, and leaving identical, badly written photocopied suicide notes. The Chief of Police was quoted as saying "Only a clown could have managed this with both arms tied behind their backs like that. What sad lives they must have led."
Ellwood Gonzales now resides in New South Wales, and is considering running for the State Senate.
62. WHICH AMERICAN BUCCANEERS MIGHT HAVE HAD A CONNECTION TO RECENT REFUGEES IN THE INDIAN OCEAN?
The Muppets on Treasure Island. Kermit's shade of green was very similar to those of the refugee boat people after several weeks on the boat.
63. HOW WAS A REPUBLIC SAVED IN 1909?
By an inappropriate shade of the colour blue...
As far as we can make out, Archduke Ferdinand Limberger of the Republic of Lumpopo was mortified to find his favourite rubber duck had been stolen by a very annoyed and somewhat disgruntled penguin hiding behind a towel rack. As the penguin made good his escape by abseiling from the tower with the aid of a conveniently placed fire hose, the startled Archduke screamed out in a girly type way for his minister of defence. He was just about to sign a document declaring war on Penguinland, when a furious barrage of obscenities from outside saved them all. Rushing to the window, the Archduke saw the penguin screaming up at the sky and shaking it's angry little flipper for all it was worth. As it transpired, the Penguin had happened to glance up at the sky while making his escape, noticed that the shade of blue was not exactly to it's liking, dropped the rubber duck and stormed off over the hill in a fit of pique, determined to put matters right.
So the Duke got his duckie back, and the little republic of Lumpopo was spared the embarrassment of being handed it's arse on a plate by an army of belligerent penguins.
Interestingly, the sky suddenly changed to a slightly more pleasing shade of blue shortly after.
64. OF WHAT WAS WILLIAM HALL-JONES THE FIRST?
He was the first William Hall Jones in the history of William Hall Jones's, to shave his legs, change his name to Edwina Littlebottom and star in a solo off-Broadway show entitled "Willian Hall Jones's one man show - How I shaved my legs, changed my name to Edina Littlebottom and became a star on Broadway." Well, two out of three's not bad. ...The show closed the same night it opened due to low audiences (two confused Iranian immigrants and a disgruntled penguin).
The penguin said he quite enjoyed it, but would have preferred fewer musical numbers and more sex & violence. The confused Iranians thought they had tickets for CATS.
65. WHAT DID BEETHOVEN ALGAR, LLEWELLYN HOOK AND HERB LILBURNE ALL ACCOMPLISH?
Inexplicably, they all had paving stones named after them, in the garden of Mrs Doris Greenthumb of Passing Waters, Birminghampton. She also has a large collection of Garden Gnomes named after members of the Vienna boys choir, and a bougainvillea named Derek.
66. OF WHAT IS "THE VILLAGERS OF LITTLE HANGLETON STILL CALLED IT "THE RIDDLE HOUSE", EVEN THOUGH IT HAD BEEN MANY YEARS SINCE THE RIDDLE FAMILY HAD LIVED THERE" THE FIRST SENTENCE?
One of the world's shortest books, reproduced here - perhaps for the first time - in it's entirety:
"The riddle of Riddle house"
The villagers of Little Hangleton still called it "the Riddle house", even though it had been many years since the Riddle family had lived there. Sadly, the family never shifted back to the area, and the villagers eventually forgot all about them. As memories faded over the years, the riddle of how the Riddle house got it's name came to be the main talking point in the village. But they never did find out. It was a nice village, and everyone in it lived happily ever after. ...Mildly puzzled, but happy.
The End.
The author's identity, like the riddle of Riddle house itself, remains a riddle.
67. WHERE DOES TASMAN LOOK DOWN ON MAGELLAN AND DRAKE?
At the annual booze-up for long dead explorers. Nobody likes Tasman, the others regarding him as a bit of a wanker. He likes to show up early before the others, grab the tallest stool and sit at the head of the table looking distinguished and patronising. Magellan and Drake usually make a game of flicking peanuts at him from across the table, and seeing who can get one up his nose first. They enjoy getting Tasman annoyed, as he goes a remarkable shade of red when angry. Their favourite trick is Magellan distracting Tasman by asking him a question, while Drake pisses in his (Tasman's) beer.
68. WHERE WOULD YOU DRIVE FROM CI VIA DY TO EAU?
Some insane foreign country where they speak French by the sound of it. Possibly Kathmandu. Or Albania. It's academic, as no-one really likes the French anyway, so wherever it is, you probably wouldn't want to go there.
69. HOW DID SOSTRATOS HELP LIGHT THE WAY IN ANCIENT TIMES?
By travelling from town to town and village to village, burning suspected Amway salespeople along the way.
70. WHO HELPED CURE A HEADACHE IN 1853?
Stanley and Marilyn Pumperknickel (of the Boston Pumpernickels), and it was purely by accident. Further enquiries should be directed to the family's law firm of Weasel, Weasel and Grubbling of Boston.
71. WHO MIGHT REPLY TO E4 WITH F5?
Two retired admirals playing "Battleships".
72. WHAT STRIKING RECORD DOES ROGER C. SULLIVAN HOLD?
Roger C. "Crusher" Sullivan of Thudbury Lane, Crimville, has been arrested 17 times for striking a police officer, 47 times for striking a match, and 22 times for being a moron in a public place.
73. WHEN AND HOW DID JELLICOE FOLLOW ISLINGTON AND LIVERPOOL?
Young Jellicoe was last seen following those rogues Islington and Liverpool into an infamous house of ill-repute "Madame Natasha's delicious den of heavenly delights for discerning gentlemen - phone first, weekends are busy." He hasn't shown up for class in the three weeks since, but his form teacher did get a hastily-scrawled note written in "hot pink" lipstick and Jellicoe's handwriting (scrawled at the best of times) saying: On field trip studying biology and anatomy. If not back in 3 months don't come looking. PS, send money. Jelli.
The headmaster's journal has this entry on the matter of Jellicoes disappearance - 'Missing, presumed having a good time.'
His form teacher though, remains puzzled to this day..."It's the damndest thing, that young Jellicoe chap...'Hot Pink'? No no no...that was never his colour. He was much more a 'Flaming Rouge' kind of fellow!"
74. HOW AND WHERE DOES NORTHUMBERLAND COME BETWEEN ISLINGTON AND LIVERPOOL?
Probably on many maps due to the unreliability and generally lax attitudes of most cartographers. See above Q15.
75. WHAT LINKS ANAS CRECCA TO A FARMER AND A TOOMEY?
Both A. Farmer and A. Toomey, unlike a surprising number of other folk, actually have aunties named Merle who live in high country stations in Anas Crecca.
76. WHICH WORD LINKS MAP, BOX AND POND?
Scrabble.
77. WHAT REMARKABLE UPS AND DOWNS OCCUR AT BURNCOAT HEAD IN NOVA SCOTIA?
Just what does go on in the bedroom of Sarah Innersprung, 36, of Burncoat Head, Novia Scotia, has been the subject of local folklore for some years now. Experts are baffled. Many brave adventurers have died in that mysterious room with smiles on their faces, and those lucky enough to survive have been unable to speak for weeks.
78. WHY HAS ERITRENO BEEN IN THE NEWS?
For the simple reason that nothing has happened there since the great gopher stampede of 1906.
Except for the memorable year of 1953, when a car drove through town - it was blue, with white walled tyres - local librarian Esther Bodeen wrote a book about it - and that same summer Larry Finkle's cat got up on the barn roof.
Investigations as to whether the two events are connected are still continuing. Oliver Stone has bought the movie rights.
79. WHAT IS SIGNIFICANT ABOUT CABO FROWARD?
He was the only goal-kicker on the Andeleutian badminton squad, never to score a goal in his entire career.
Admittedly the career was a remarkably short one that came to a crashing end shortly after the squad's first game, when it was found that a goal-kicker wasn't actually needed on a badminton team. He was replaced by a jockey the following week, but sadly, the Andeleutian team never placed in the league, and the remaining swimmers all returned to their goat farms.
80. WHAT SIGNIFICANCE DID THE NUMBER SIX HOLD FROM 1917 UNTIL 1967?
The number six has never had any significace whatsoever, despite years of research and investigation by a team of experts. It was thought to have had a minor significance attached to it some time in 1953, but that was soon found to be a typing error. Sadly, the number six is destined always to be a gap-filler between the far more revered and useful "five" and "seven".
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Disclaimer: All Names have been changed to protect the guilty, except in the instances when I didn't bother. Any similarity to persons or penguins living, dead or the living dead, are entirely coincidental apart from the bits that are true or outright lies. Every effort, short of actually checking anything, has been made to ensure that all above mentioned events actually happened in the manner described, except for those that didn't. No aunties were injured during the compiling of this data, but we did break a bicycle.
Mike Hansen. © 2001. outlaw@clear.net.nz
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