From Mom to Michael

In Loving Memory of
Michael David Sullivan
February 14, 1967 - April 22, 1996

DEAR MICHAEL .....

RIGHT AWAY THIS LETTER BECOMES DIFFICULT TO WRITE AS IT STILL IS SO INCONCEIVABLE TO ME THAT THIS IS MY ONLY EARTHLY, HUMANLY WAY OF COMMUNICATING WITH YOU! YOU’LL NEVER KNOW HOW MANY TIMES A DAY YOUR IN MY THOUGHTS. I STILL FEEL THE NEED TO BE CONNECTED TO YOU.... SO HERE I AM WRITING TO YOU AGAIN, WRITING A LETTER THAT I CAN’T PUT INTO AN ENVELOPE AND SEND...... IT ISN’T ONE OF THOSE SPECIAL DAYS...... JUST AN ORDINARY DAY FOR ME ...... ONE OF CONFUSION AND HEART PAIN AND STRUGGLING TO SURVIVE .......

SO MUCH HAS GONE ON IN OUR FAMILY THAT YOU WERE CHEATED OUT OF, THAT YOU HAVE MISSED. NIECE’S AND NEPHEWS THAT HAVE BEEN BORN, AND THEY TOO, ALL THOUGH THEY ARE SUCH YOUNG INNOCENT CHILDREN, HAVE BEEN CHEATED BECAUSE YOUR NOT HERE TO BE THE WONDERFUL UNCLE TO THEM WE KNEW YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN. MY HEART ALWAYS HURTS WHEN I WATCH THEM GROW WITHOUT YOU IN THERE LIVES. I HURT AS I LISTEN TO YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTER ASK ME, “I WONDER WHAT MICHAEL WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THEM.” OF COURSE WE CONTEMPLATE WHAT NIC-NAME YOU WOULD HAVE GIVEN EACH AND EVERYONE, YOU NIC-NAMED EVERYONE. I HURT BECAUSE I WAS ROBBED OF BEING NANA TO ANY OF YOUR CHILDREN, BUT I HURT MORE BECAUSE YOU WERE ROBBED OF BEING THAT DAD YOU SO MUCH WANTED TO BE.... AND THAT YOU WOULD HAVE DONE SO WELL
AT DOING IT ........

THE WORLD EVENTS ARE AWFUL THAT YOU HAVE MISSED OUT ON, SO IN AWAY I’M NOT FEELING BAD ABOUT THAT .......ALL THOUGH I’M SURE I KNOW OF YOUR REACTION TO THEM AS YOU WERE ACTIVE IN THE FIRST WAR OVER THERE...... THERE WAS OF COURSE 9-11, THERE IS A SONG CONNECTED TO THAT TRAGEDY THAT IS OUT THAT WRENCHES MY HEART APART EVERY TIME I HEAR IT, AT FIRST I WASN’T REALLY SURE WHY IT HAD THE EXTREME IMPACT IT DID ON ME ..... IT’S CALLED “THE CHANGE” .... YOU HEAR THE WORDS “TODAY WE HAD A NATIONAL TRAGEDY, TWO AIRPLANES HAVE CRASHED INTO THE WORLD TRADE CENTER ...... IT IS A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WORLD TRAGEDY” ..... I HAVE BECOME TO BELIEVE THEY TEAR MY HEART APART SO BECAUSE ON APRIL 22, 1996 ..... THE WORDS ....”I’M SORRY YOUR SON IS GONE”...... HIT MY HEART JUST AS HORRIFYING AND DRAMATICALLY AS THOSE TWO PLANES HIT THOSE TWO BUILDINGS. WHEN THIS AWFUL EVENT HAPPENED IN THE WORLD. THE COUNTRY CAME TOGETHER, STOOD TOGETHER, AND GRIEVED TOGETHER. FOR MY WORLD CHANGING TRAGEDY OF LOSING YOU, I’VE HAD TO SLOWLY TRY AND REBUILD A WORLD THAT IN MY EYES JUST SHOULDN’T EXIST, A WORLD WITHOUT YOU ...... HAVE I ACCOMPLISHED THAT? ..... NO .......
WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT? NO.....
I DON’T BELIEVE SO ..... I DON’T BELIEVE SO ........

LIKE THE GAPPING HOLE THAT WAS LEFT WHERE THOSE ONCE BEAUTIFUL TWO BUILDINGS STOOD ..... I HAVE THAT SAME KIND OF GAPPING HOLE IN MY HEART ....... UNFORTUNATELY THERE IS NO WAY TO REBUILD THAT HOLE IN MY HEART ... EVERY TIME I SEE THE PICTURE’S OF THOSE PLANES HITTING THOSE BUILDINGS ..... I FEEL MUCH THE SAME IN MY HEART .....AS I FEEL THE DAILY PAIN THAT THOSE WORDS “I’M SORRY YOUR SON IS GONE” BROUGHT INTO MY LIFE ..... FOR YOU SEE EVEN THOUGH IT IS A LOWER SCALE TO THE WORLD ..... THOSE WORDS BROUGHT MY OWN WORLD TRAGEDY INTO MY HEART AND THERE IT REMAINS AS I TRY TO REBUILD THE WORLD I NOW LIVE IN.

I HAVE LEARNED THREW THIS I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS STRANGE WORLD I LIVE IN NOW ...... I’VE MET AND EVEN BONDED WITH MANY A MOM OUT THERE TRYING TO REBUILD THERE LIVES, BECAUSE OF THE DEATH’S OF THEIR CHILDREN ...... WE ARE IN DEED A STRUGGLING SPECIES...... ALL THOUGH SADLY NOT AN ENDANGERED ONE....... WE SILENTLY AND WITHOUT A PLACE OF OUR OWN STRUGGLE TO JUST GET BY ........ I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT ANY SUFFERING I HAVE GONE THREW, HASN’T TOUCHED YOU, THAT, THAT PART OF IT IS JUST LEFT TO US MORTAL’S HERE ON EARTH TO STRUGGLE THREW ........

ELEVEN VERY LONG TERRIBLE YEARS HAVE PASSED ...... A LOT OF DAYS I’M NOT SURE HOW THE TIME HAS PASSED BUT IT HAS ....... I STILL STRUGGLE DAILY TO FIGURE OUT THE WHY’S AND WHAT NOT’S OF IT ALL ..... THE LIGHTHOUSE HAS BECOME AN IMPORTANT SYMBOL TO ME IN ALL OF THIS AS I TRY TO TELL MYSELF TO FOCUS ON THAT BEACON OF LIGHT ........ THAT LIGHT TELLS ME AT THE END OF THIS VERY LONG DIFFICULT ROAD .... THERE YOU ARE ....... GUIDING THOSE THAT YOU HAD TO LEAVE BEHIND ....... A SYMBOL THAT YOUR LOVE STILL SHINES BRIGHTLY FROM THAT WONDERFUL HEART OF YOURS ...... I HAD WANTED FOR YOU A FULL HAPPY LIFE ..... I PRAY THAT WHEN YOU HAD TO LEAVE YOU SOMEHOW FELT YOU DID ...... I TRY DESPERATELY TO BELIEVE YOU ARE HERE SOMEWAY ...... SOMEHOW WITH US ...... I BELIEVE YOU’VE SEEN ALL THOSE IMPORTANT EVENTS THAT YOU WERE CHEATED OUT OF AND SOMEHOW YOU ARE SITTING ON OUR SHOULDERS POINTING OUT THAT BEACON OF LIGHT FROM THE LIGHTHOUSES .... FOREVER KEEPING IT IN OUR SIGHTS AS WE DEAL WITH EVERY DAY LIVING WITHOUT YOU THERE .....

I’VE BEEN ABLE TO LET GO OF SOME OF THE GUILT .... THE ENORMOUS GUILT...... THAT I CARRIED WITH ME FOR A VERY LONG TIME ...... I ALSO BELIEVE YOU SOMEHOW HELPED ME TO DO THAT ..... IT TOOK ME FOUR YEARS TO BE ABLE TO WRITE MY FIRST LETTER TO YOU AND ANOTHER FOUR TO WRITE A SECOND LETTER ....... BUT PLEASE KNOW IN BETWEEN ALL THAT TIME EVERY DAY IS A STRUGGLE....... A STRUGGLE ON SOME DAYS TO JUST GET UP EVERY MORNING ..... PUT MY FEET ON THE FLOOR AND THEN ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER TO GET THREW THAT DAY ....... DOES THE WORLD OUT THERE KNOW, THAT THE ENDING OF YOUR LIFE CHANGED SO MANY THINGS ..... THE WAY A SUNNY DAY LOOKS...... HOW THE FLOWERS EVERY SPRING AREN’T QUITE AS RADIANT AS THEY USE TO BE ...... EVEN TAKING TIME TO SMELL THE ROSES ON A BETTER DAY, THE AROMA OF THOSE ROSES ISN’T QUITE THE SAME ANY MORE .......... HOW CAN IT BE ..... YOUR NO LONGER A PART
OF THAT PHYSICAL WORLD .....

ALL THOUGH YOU REMAIN VERY MUCH A PART OF THE STRANGE UNWELCOME WORLD I LIVE IN NOW ...... YOUR ABSENCE FOREVER A REMINDER THAT MY WORLD WAS FORCED TO LIVE WITH A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY ....... AN ILLNESS THAT TOOK THE LIFE OF MY SON ....... AND NOW I LIVE TRYING TO DISCOVER A CURE TO HELP ME RECOVER FROM THAT TRAGEDY ....... AS I SIT HERE WRITING .... IT IS THE ENDING OF ANOTHER DAY .... PERHAPS BRINGING US A DAY CLOSER TO OUR REUNION ...... PERHAPS NOT ....... I FIND IT AS DIFFICULT TO END THIS LETTER AS I DID STARTING IT ...... I’LL NOT SAY GOOD BYE ........ I COULDN’T AND DIDN’T THEN, I WON’T NOW ........ I’LL SIMPLY SAY ..... THANK YOU FOR BEING A WONDERFUL PART OF MY LIFE ...... THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME....... AND GIVING ME THE HONOR AND PRIVILEGE OF FOREVER BEING YOUR MOM ..... AND THAT I PAINFULLY MISS YOU ...... ALWAYS ......
LOVE “YOUR MOM”

THE HOLE IN MY HEART

THE HOLE IN MY HEART,
MUCH LIKE THE ONE THAT BECAME YOUR GRAVE,
IS WHAT I LIVE WITH EACH AND EVERY DAY,
AS I TRY TO APPEAR BRAVE

THE COLORS ARE DULLER
LIFE'S NOT THE SAME
IN THE BEGINNING
I NEEDED SOMEONE TO BLAME

THE YEARS HAVE GONE BY BUT THE PAIN IS THE SAME
I'M FLOODED BY MEMORIES
AT THE MENTION OF YOUR NAME

I'D DO IT ALL OVER
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
EVEN KNOWING THE ENDING;
WAS YOU HAD TO GO

THE JOY OF YOU BEING MY SON
WAS A GIFT TO ME FROM DAY ONE,
YOU WERE TAKEN TO EARLY
I KNEW YOU HAD TO LEAVE
SO MY DAYS ARE NOW SADDEN AS
I'M LEFT HERE TO GRIEVE

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU .... LOVE MOM

"God is our strength and only because of him we do make it..
I do want to give you this award for Michael
knowing how much you wanted to have Lighthouses...."
Carolyn's Precious Memories

"For Michael - Just Because
You were the light of your mom's life
You were the sunshine that warmed her heart
You were the stars in her eyes
You will be the light in her darkness
right into eternity
and your love will be eternal
May God hold you close to him Michael."
Love
Ann, Laurasmom
In Loving Memory of Laura Ann Kimble

A friend can hear a tear drop.

Please visit Maria's Tribute to Christopher Angel Christopher Two Very Special Angels