VORTA!
VORTA!
Weasle your way
to the top!
Your guide to a successful career in politics
So you decided to start a career in politics? Well we can only congratulate you on this wise decision. It's the only possible choice for any man or woman of a certain intelligence, elegance and greed. With this little guide we'll try to give you a hand to reach your target. You may fully trust us, we're kind, considerate and sensible people who know the value of a well-setted speach and a stomach resistant to poison. Trust in us. You can. Fully. Purrrpurr...
The first impression is the most important one. How much can be won with a sporty young hairstyle, whole quadrants can be lost with an ill-fitted hairpiece (just ask Mr Kirk, he'll confirm this.)
We highly recommend this "Liberace meets Elvis" style. It prooved to be extremely helpful when under attack, as the like context of the hair dampens any blows that might be directed to the head. Also in case of emergency you'll find it much easier to camouflage as a poodle and escape unhurt.
Weak ears + good eyes = men. This is a factor you may not underestimate if you're female and want to suceed in politics. Flirt. Let your eyes speak - big blue eyes are the most successful ones! Charm them, lull them in the believe that they are superior. See thru dresses are a valuable tool in getting what you want. And never forget: smiling is the best way to show your opponent you got teeth ...
ERIS - LEFT:
Don't. Just. Don't. With that styling, you might be a stunner at the local dog exhibition, hence the collar, but you won't convince any man to hand you over the defense plans of the alpha quadrant. All you'll get is some pink poodle bow.
KILANA - RIGHT:
Good girl! If this doesn't work, nothing will! You're on the right way lady, and if you could cut down in the make-up department, you'll not only get astray changelings the next time you negotiate, but a bottle of champagne as a bonus. We bet.
... anything and anybody but yourself. Somebody has to pay the price for your success, and why should it be you, when the universe is full of trustful beings that will happily do anything for your well-being? Just make sure your deeds are covered by some kind of moral code, if there is none, make up one for yourself. It might be helpful if you'd join a cult for a couple of months to learn how to manipulate people and reach perfection in the art of brainwashing.
... of honorable, trustworthy people. Or at least people who leave the impression they are. Don't team up with folks that have more brains than you, for all you need them for is to put the blame on them if anything goes wrong. The more gullible, the better. Our tip: send out a spam mail asking people to send you 20 bucks to support the National Organisation For The Protection Of SIngle Parenting Monocelulars - anybody donating will believe you that you'll lower taxes as well as your promise to provide equal rights for everybody. And if you should have any doubts: just show me one parliament that DIDN'T promise a helluvalotta things, didn't keep one single bit but still got re-elected by the people they cheated at.
Faith is the alpha and the omega of your operation. Believe in yourself. If you're small, lithe, lug-eared and suffer from blurred vision, stand in front of your mirror daily and tell yourself: "The best thing that could've happened to me was being small, lithe, lug-eared and blind as a bat." You'll feel like cesar, believe me.
Make your political career a religious crusade. If you can convince people to believe that a puddle of yellow goo is god, you won't have any problems to make a lot of money. If not in politics, then somewhere else. Maybe on the Dominion Home Sell Channel (what a perfect name!) or as a fanatic preacher on TV. Good luck!
Don't worry, my friend. There are still other ways to the top. Unknownst to most people, Yelgrun started a career as a pop and rock singer on Risa after his release from imprisonment on DS9.
