| When we came home without Hannah and Emily, I felt like my world had come to a crashing halt. I found a new ability to convey my emotions in the form of poetry. I wrote the first poem the day we came home from the hospital without our daughters. |
To Hannah and Emily...from Mommy The world is full of miracles, we see them every day... We take so much for granted, just knowing things will stay. God blessed Daddy and me with each other, with a love so deep and true... Then he blessed us with a pregnancy test, and the doctor said there were two of you. If I could tell you one thing, it would be that you were made from love... But I guess you already know that, because you are watching from Above. The pain we felt, that very sad day, has turned into faith--we pray and pray. I don't think we will ever understand, but when we start to question, we just take each other's hand. The doctor said that you would have so many problems--it just seemed so unfair... But when we held you in our arms, we knew we must prepare. For the hardest thing we could ever imagine we'd do--we knew we must say goodbye to you. I will not lie to you--Mommy would never do that, you know... It hurts so bad when I think about all the plans we had and that we had to let them go. You were both so perfect, just oh so very small... We have learned not to be sad because for those few hours, we had it all. You are not suffering, of that we can be sure... You are with your Grandma in Heaven now, and will remain forever pure. There are so many things that Mommy wants to tell you, but that would take too long... We think about you all the time, in every moment, every sunset, every song. God gives us all miracles, and we were doubly blessed... He gave us two perfect angels, and then He put us through a test. Every time Daddy and I see a perfect sunset, we know that you are both right there... Our two perfect angels...there will never be a more perfect pair. We have made the connection, perfect sunset, perfect pair... For at each and every sunset, our angels will always be right there. Copyrighted by Hannah and Emily's Mommy Oct. 16,2000 |
| To Hannah and Emily, on your 3rd birthday... Three years ago today, I just wanted to die I thought of you both, and could only cry. Time heals all wounds, at least that's what they say But I can't help but wonder how you would be today. Blonde hair and blue eyes, spoiled rotten to the core Daddy tossing you in the air, and you both screaming for more. But reality interrupts my daydreams, like a slap to the face And tears start flowing, taking the daydream's place. My beautiful little princesses, I miss you both so much What I wouldn't give for just one more little touch. I know you watch down on us, every minute of every day But it's just not the same...I still have so much to say. But I can't say it now, not tomorrow or today But if I could, the pain might go away. The words can't be spoken, only thought and never told I must keep them inside, every one making me cold. Many parents take their children for granted, if they only knew The pain of losing one child...or, God forbid, two. It's a heartache that was dealt us, although we don't know why So many times I think of you and all I do is cry. Most parents look at their children and never realize how they're blessed We look at your pictures and wonder why we were dealt this test. So my beautiful Hannah and Emily.... I guess three years doesn't make this any easier on me. For, I have found no answers to the question of "why" And today, as I write you this poem, I sit here and still cry. Happy Birthday, baby girls...that's really what I wanted to say Mommy misses you both, and I wish you were here to celebrate today. Please hug each other, and know you are both in my heart, filled with love Happy Birthday wishes sent to Heaven, I know you are watching us from Above. Copyrighted by Hannah and Emily's Mommy Oct. 14, 2003 |
| Three years later, and Oct. 14th is a day that causes me many tears as I think about what our baby girls would be like today. I wrote the following poem on Oct. 14, 2003....on Hannah and Emily's 3rd birthday. |
 |
| Sometimes the hurt and frustration come out and I wonder if people really "are" that insensitive to how I feel......or if they are just that dumb, and think that life can just resume, and be like it "used to be". I wrote this poem just before Hannah and Emily's 2nd birthday. |
| To Hannah and Emily, on your 4th birthday... Time goes by, sometimes it seems to stand still I often sit and wonder if this is the way I should feel The days and the months and the years fade away But every single minute I remember..all the time..about that day. It makes me bitter, to remember everything about it I guess, in life, there are things we aren't meant to get. Daddy went to get the car. The nurse left me in the lobby, crying. I told myself "you can do it..just be strong" God knows that I was trying. Though time stood still for us those days, apparently it didn't for them The voice inside my head screamed out to every person, and it didn't ever dim.. "Hey, listen to me..our daughters just died" But they had thoughts of their own, and seemed to push mine aside. Time stood still for us...why couldn't they take the time to hear me? I'm sure if they would take the time, then they could surely see. Every day I miss you, every day wish you were here Many days I see you and know I am dreaming, but it seems so very clear. Sometimes I look out the window, and see you two playing in the sun But reality interrupts my daydreams, and that short thought is done. I feel like if I reached out, I could touch you..your long pigtails flowing But I realize I am dreaming again, and must get my real day going. A nice new truck, a brand new house---some folks say we have it made I wouldn't hesitate to give it all back, if you would've only stayed. I still hate Wal-Mart, ya know..with the little girls' clothes right next to the food Maybe I should call management to complain, but they wouldn't understand my mood. Instead, I choose not to talk about it cause people will think reality is out of my touch If they had one inkling of knowing how much I miss you both so much. My thoughts are still scattered, as you can well see But everything has changed me so, and now this is the real me. Every day I thank God for your Daddy, and for your big brother, too I don't know what I would do without your Daddy..he cheers me when I'm blue. Life would be so much different for us all, if you were able to stay What I wouldn't give, to do things totally different that day. It's been four years now, gosh I bet you each look like a princess I've learned to live with this emptiness in my heart and doubt it will ever be less. Every year I tell myself, this year it won't be so hard But who am I trying to kid? I can't even send you a card. So, once again, I'm pouring my feelings out, giving you my heart and soul Maybe someday I'll be able to make sense of this and will once again be whole. But, enough of me..this is your fourth birthday I bet you are wishing Mommy would hush now, huh? so you can go and play. Just a couple more things I really wanted to tell you, before I have to let you go... If I can't turn back the clock, why can't I at least make that day go slow? Hannah, you had Mommy's frown, and Emily, you had Daddy's ears Funny how I remember those things, even after these 4 years. You are both loved so much by me and Daddy, too It's the love that lasts a lifetime and will remain forever true. So, Happy 4th Birthday, my precious little girls I know you are both simply beautiful, with your blue eyes and blonde curls. Take good care of each other, use your manners, and be polite Happy Birthday, my sweet angels, I'll see you in my dreams tonight. Copyrighted by Hannah and Emily's Mommy Oct. 6, 2004 |
| Four years later, and I really thought time would make it a little easier to cope--I guess I was wrong again this year. I wrote this poem shortly before Hannah and Emily's 4th birthday... |
| It would be so much better to be able to say all of these things to Hannah and Emily in person......5th birthday |
| To Hannah and Emily on your 5th birthday When parents took their kids shopping this year--that was really hard I can still picture you both, you see, running round and round the yard. They were all shopping for the things their little ones would need to get them started But all I had were a few precious memories of when you were here and when you parted. I walked through the store, thinking about what I should be buying Before reality hit me like a ton of bricks, and those thoughts just started dying Backpacks, yes, we will need those, a pink one for Hannah and purple for Emily But, as always, I am daydreaming again, but sometimes it seems so real to me. This would be your first year of school, gosh, where did the time go? People think you being gone shouldn't bother me, I know. But that doesn't matter, because they have no clue What it's like to lose a child, and God forbid, it would ever be two. Time helps ease the pain, that's what they believe I pray they never have to feel this pain that no one can relieve. We have learned to go on, and hold on to those precious memories It stabs like a knife to hear parents call their Hannahs and Emilys. As you can tell, not much has changed in my mind or in my heart I go on with each day, knowing I must try and do my part. I try to make a difference in people's lives each and every day Even though it might not seem alot to me, I hope it helps someone in at least a little way. I often think of you both, wondering if you are growing and being good But never mention it to anyone, fearing I would be totally misunderstood. I bet people think sometimes I've lost it--but I really don't care This is the best way I know of letting my feelings out, of this paint that I must bear. I hope you are both studying hard, and learning all that you should And I hope you are both on your best behavior, showing everyone you know how to be good. If you were still here, I know you would both make us proud I imagine we'd be telling you constantly to quiet down cause you are being too loud. Five years have gone by, but it still seams like yesterday--I remember it all If only the doctor would have just taken that phone call. Would it have changed things? We will never know The pain really doesn't subside, sometimes I feel it grow. Mommy has gone on and on, just like I do every year I apologize for that, but I wish I had you near. To hug and kiss and tuck in every night What I wouldn't give, to break up a sisterly fight. This week, I call Hell Week, and people just frown But I don't care because this is the week I feel most down Your Grandma left me, and then you did, all during this week of the year What I wouldn't give to have you all with me, to have you right here. I better wrap this up because it's getting late And some things you can't change, most importantly, fate. You know that Mommy loves you with all my heart and soul And Daddy does too, and on him, this has also taken its toll. Happy 5th birthday, my precious little girls, I hope you have some fun Have some cake and ice cream, then go outside and run Give Grandma a kiss and a hug for me, if you would I would hug and kiss you both forever, if only I could. Be nice to each other, and never forget that you were made in love And please watch over your brother, guiding him from up Above. When you see me or Daddy stumbling, please help us back to our feet Until that day, when we all get to once again meet. Mommy loves you both...Happy Birthday, my angels. copyrighted by Hannah and Emily's Mommy Oct 3, 2005 |
| To Hannah and Emily, on your 6th birthday... People might think I'm crazy, but I will never let them forget About my two precious angels, although most you never met. I try and smile and let them know I am happy that their kids are alright So many of them take it for granted...they don't realize the blessing they have of kissing their kids goodnight. What I wouldn't give to have that chance, even if for just one time If I could make that happen, I would stop my life on a dime. Daddy doesn't say a whole lot, but I sometimes see that look in his eye He never asks it outloud, but I know he still wonders why. When we walk pass the baby clothes and he sees a little dress He never says a word, but I know he still feels the stress. And he wonders, and he hurts...that will never change, I know I wish I could say or do something because I know he loves you so. As you can tell, things aren't any different here The questions and hurt are still inside, and it's been another year. I've told you since you left us, about perfect sunsets and how we know you are right there Sometimes thinking about you both is so much more than I can bear. I try to picture how each of you looks today...blonde hair and blue eyes, I bet You are growing up so quickly...if you were here, I wouldn't be ready for that yet. But enough of Mommy's rambling, this is about your special day I hope you have a huge party, and eat and run and play. You have someone else to help you celebrate this year Your Great-Grandma came to Heaven, and I'm sure she holds you near. She's a very nice lady and she loves each of you so I know she misses everyone down here, so please don't let her spirits get low. And I know you are keeping your Grandma busy, I bet she's reading to you and tucking you in Just like she did when I was your age...I still remember back when. You know that I could go on and on, and keep writing about my thoughts and things that I could wish for But that wouldn't change anything...it might even make me miss you more. So, it's time to close for now, before the tears start to flow You are both in my thoughts all the time...of that, I'm sure you know. Be nice to everyone, mind your manners, and each of you look out for the other And please ask God to watch over all of us... me, your Daddy, and your brother. Mommy misses you both, my angels...I wish you could be here with me But this will have to do for yet another year..... Happy 6th Birthday, my precious, precious Hannah and Emily. copyrighted by Hannah and Emily's Mommy Oct 13, 2006 |
| It still hurts.....6 years later...... |
| 7 years have come and gone....it still hurts like it was yesterday. |
| To Hannah and Emily, on your 7th birthday.... Driving around today, I was planning your birthday party in my head All the plans I made, of course, were only in thought...not a single word was said. What colors would the balloons be? And what kind of cake, hats, and ice cream? Reality brought me back from the thoughts. Once again, they aren't real--only a dream. Just like every other year before this one...reality interrupts the perfect thought And makes me realize it will only be a dream each year, before the first party thing is bought. You two must be getting so big now, and each of you really growing these days I think God needed some more help, since you are developing in so many different ways. So, He called your Grammy to come Up and lend him a hand with the both of you Bue that left everyone down here sad, now knowing what to do. It's been a rough year for the both of us, Daddy and me Grammy left us, then Brandon moved away...now it's just the two of us--not four or three. I have learned alot, these past seven years. Some things in life are good, and some are bad, and there will always be tears. The truest of friends--they are always there for you and they appear from out of the blue The fake friends in life--are self-absorbed and they never have time for you. So, take Mommy's advice, and learn to rely on yourselves and on each other Take these words to heart, my dears, because they are coming from your Mother. I think by now, that each of you is developing your own style I can picture the two of you getting dressed in the morning, flinging clothes from one big pile. I picture you daily, my precious little girls... Big blue eyes, and blonde hair, up in curls. I have forgotten alot of the details about it all--I can't even remember the doctor's name But it really doesn't matter if I did, because the outcome would still be the same. But some things I will always remember, and they will always put a smile on my face Like the all-out brawls you two had in my belly..or Daddy putting his hand on my belly, and the two of you starting the race. I guess it's about that time, I need to wrap this up and begin another year You both know how much we love you and wish that you could be here. I wish that I could reach out and hold you, and give you this wish face-to-face. But, just like every other year, I know that that is not going to be the case. Please try not to be too much for your Grandmas--and maybe you can help them out, too And try and make them feel happy, because I know that at times, they get blue. Mommy has to go now, before the tears start to flow I love you both with all my heart, of that, I'm sure you know. Time stands still for no one..sometimes it races by, it seems Happy 7th Birthday, my angels, I'll see you in my dreams. (copyrighted Oct 14, 2007 by Hannah and Emily's Mommy) |
| To Hannah and Emily on your 8th Birthday... Time marches on..sometimes it is good and others it seems worse Time has flown by once again and it is time to make this verse. This is one time of the year that I would love to not have to face I'd rather be fixing your hair, putting it up in ribbons and lace. I know that is just a dream...the same one I have every year The dream where none of this happened and you are both right here. But, I have come to understand that this is the way of my life My life is living without my girls, and dealing with this strife. I often sit and think about what you would be like today Would you do the same things, and have the same things to say? That's all things that I will have to wait to find out And, when I get to Heaven, the answers will come about. I heard the song "Tears In Heaven" today and it made me reminisce About the first time I heard it after you were gone and how many things I miss. There is so much going on in the world now..it's a pretty scary place I wish things would get easier, but I don't think that is going to be the case. So, while I miss you both so much and wish that we had you here I know that nothing bad can happen to you, cause God is holding you near. One good thing has happened this year, at least I think it's so We didn't lose anyone close to us, so we didn't have to let anyone go. And now it's time to talk about you two, my precious baby girls How much did you change this year? Do you still have those blue eyes and curls? I've tried to think about what kind of parties we should be planning for your birthdays |
