| Looking for What? Late last night it dawned on me that I've met most of my goals but I'm still not happy. I wanted freedom, independence, a good job, a meaningful intellectual and/or artistic pursuit, the church thing, to get along with my kids, and to be thin again. I'm still fat, but the rest I have. And this "I," who am I? Nothing; empty; sick of heart. This morning at sunrise I walked off the graveyard shift out unto a blanket of plum blossoms, perfect pink teardrops all over the pavement and me. There is beauty yet in the world and in this incomplete life, if not in me. And yet...last night, my friend: "Sitting here with you is like having a meadow as my living room, with a little brook running through it. You have that kind of spirit, so gentle and kind." And so they've said all my life, one after another, only to find some damning flaw at a later date. How I've wanted to reach them all and give back the good, or repay that good I've been given, but I'm empty now, just as much as ever. So much effort has been wasted, as into a black hole. I have loved and love so many so much and have no way of showing it, disconnected. But it is there, so perhaps in some way, it's visible. Let is show in my face and mein and the very emanations of my soul... PamEhli/1998 P.S. All the things that I listed above as "have's" didn't fix my problem either. I was a totally exhausted wreck during this time of my life, flying around spastically trying to get everyone's approval. Impossible. The only one whose approval matters is mine. The world didn't fall apart when my ex-relatives dissed me, or when the church decided I was a sinner (DUH!), or when my kids got in trouble at school. I just learned to be stronger and fix my own problems. And as for love, I still crave it but get none, so for the moment I defensively say it's overrated in hopes of psyching God out into giving me what I want. <---sarcasm, last line, I hope you know. PE/2002 |
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| Since 4-16-03 |