Permission and Should
(originally titled "A-Permission-ology, and Should")

Once in a movie, it was said of an ambitious, high-powered, single-minded woman, "...she'd devour her own offspring..."

If I've come across as insensitive, cruel, I'm sorry. Have I?
It's probably because I've started dishing out now, having been treated to so much, myself,
that I'll get the jump rather than chance swallowing more.
It's no excuse; it doesn't work, and I'm endlessly bored with pissing and moaning.
There's got to be a happy medium and a way to find it.
Confused? No doubt; but not always.
If on any given day I don't write or paint or play or give my thought process some creative outlet
you can bet I'm planning the next break-out, and some day it'll all pay off.
Melodramatic and over-emotional?
To be a robot and feel nothing--at times I've been shocked into such.
Or medicated just enough to take off the edge of highs and lows till I didn't self-resonate as human.
I want to feel those extremes,
even though those in my path get overloaded--scared or just annoyed--
till they practically hate me from the burnout.
However, I'm not going to live a life, regardless of how this sounds here,
full of back-pedalling and apologizing for my existance.
Demanding, critical, high maintenance?  No; I just refuse to be "casual."
I'm not sure now to say this without sounding heavy-handed,
but how many times have I heard that statement about
"Not settling for less than I DESERVE"?
How am I less than what anyone deserves?
It's more preferable to think the reverse.
And it's so easy to take that personally.
Men and women both kill the lifeblood of their opposite species daily with that sentiment.
All the things we're supposed to do, to be, should, should, should...
If I should be gorgeous, subservient, fertile, shallow, and all the better if I'm independently wealthy
to be an acceptable female specimen,
then lock me up or lock me out now, because I'm not, won't be, don't want to be.
I'm not supposed to sell myself short, I'm told; ridiculous!!
Am I simply the sum of my parts?
What about a brain? What about a sense of responsibility? Or empathy? A sense of humor?
For the 238th time, what about goddamn love, that I don't get to share with anyone,
so I'm supposed to choke on it and be happy to be me...?!?
Ok, breathe.
Are you laughing at me yet? I am.
I think I just SHOULD all over myself.
It's not a matter of feeling sorry self-pity.
What god made me is what I am
and there's no reason on earth to go around expecting more than the same of anyone
as long as those natural people out there aren't hurting or using me.
Not that a few run-ins aren't inevitable,
but whoever wants to rough me up a little can go SHOULD on someone else.
Everyone's got their own little tale;
I've been told mine's pretty mediocre (I swear they don't know the whole story!)
It's all about what lessons have been learned the first time;
or tried, failed, and retried; falling down and getting back up, till once & for all they're brought home.
Basic things--getting out of bed rather than lying there till they take me away;
to work another day, to do the necessary to survive, and tell myself, then know, it's not all in vain
and that it doesn't matter if anyone agrees.
To go out of the way enough to find inspiration,
or to stay on the beaten path of life, either or both;
whether to walk blind or aware,
to accept help or be too proud;
to just be angry and full of rage, or to admit to pain, and heal.
If I DESERVE anything, it has nothing to do with whatever man I do or don't manage to snag.
It's better to just relate as one human to another, or try, if possible.
So what's your story?

PamEhli/2001



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Since 1-20-03