| To Me, For Me Buoyantly, willingly self-propelled to the upper stratosphere. Waiting for impact, which never comes. Made weightless, from an internal source of an extraction originally generated externally. Pulled aloft by invisible cords. Feverish, charged, ions abuzz... Not adrift, for this is a friendly familiar, and so sought-after, welcome in its own singular way. Could've been a chemical thing, an equal and opposite reaction to your tangy artistry, or an auditory predisposition to your timbre of voice, both raw and rumbling smooth. Of the tactile and tangible, the exquisite mix of tender with animal fierceness. The visual centered on how you carry yourself, stuggling (like I do) to balance ego with gratitude, and lightening-witted double-meaning sarcasm wtih amiable, considerate, nice, even where I was concerned. How you looked at me out of the black forest of the ocean, the way your eyes deepen into bottomless wells of falling and drowning. I wanted to be the one to cannonball, to crack your surface and breathe in your liquid heat. All that and more, where blindness, deafness, suffocation and numbness are somehow charmed, timeless, otherworldly. Yet perception through the senses is limited; it was the final psychoanalysis where-in I betrayed myself. It all conveyed authentic delight, gave all the signs of unfeinged receptive emotion to quick-start my essence and bind me to you for every and no good reason.. It's just a fool's paradise, for me. You are endless and empty, for me, devoid of the warmth of anything genuine or lasting. Through the days and weeks, gritting teeth through day, insomniant through night, my cry of despair: "Why? A thousand times, why?" Better to not know why even through I already know why; rather than be dealt the killing blow, I'll accept this nothingness as the logical after-effect of my own misconstual. Falling, lost in space, nothing gained and nothing lost but the accompanying lack of you. Rather than plotting an unwieldy, uncomfortable coup, I'll rather by walking not into darkness but along the road of interactive vibrant living-- to me, for me. PamEhli/2002 |
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| Since 1-2-03 |