The highest and most holy Church of Sven was formed by the followers of the Swedish prophet Sven in the year 1100, exactly 112 years before his birth. In its early years, the Church lacked a significant doctrine or uniformity of practice, but it did have a cool mascot, Poochie the Cool Dog. It was through Poochie that the birth of Sven was fortold. The only practice that Poochie passed on that was agreed upon by the entire Church was the practice of Svenite Mantra, the most holy and sacred words of the Church. In its earliest form, the Mantra was pronouced "Bark, bark," but changes in the Swedish tongue combined with the doctrinal consolidations of the Council of Sven (1230) established the current form of the Mantra: "Bork bork bork!" The early variation of forms in the Church led to much confusion among the heretic Swedish population, most of whom worshipped a fish god known as "Winky." It was for this reason that the Council of Sven was called in 1230. Among the great accomplishments of the Council were the consolidation of the Mantra, the doctrine of the chosen elect, and the condemnation of the Pervian heresies.
However, the Council of 1230 left several important issues unresolved. These had to wait for the Second Council of Sven, called in the year 1789 and still in session today. So far, it has accomplished nothing except for the Glorious Declaration.
It is the belief of the highest and most holy Church of Sven that it has been predetermined who is destined for salvation. This chosen elect is the insufficient light of the world. It is these happy few who will not taste the flames of Hades, or Frankum, as it is more formally known in the Church. These few can look forward to an afterlife of continual participation in the Divine Snack.
It is the belief of the highest and most holy Church of Sven that the chosen elect are revealed in the elaborate baptosmal ceremony that accompanies initiation into the Church. The chosen elect, upon their baptosm, will spontaneously recite the sacred and most holy phrase in the Church, which is unknown to all but the elect. Baptism is to be accomplished with gasoline or another petroleum product, and is immediately followed by a walk over hot coals.
This doctrine is a spiritual memorial of Sven's great practice of snacking upon "candy" every night between the hours of 7 pm and 11 pm, CST. The memorial is accomplished by filling a large plastic grocery bag with assorted candies and eating them one at time for a four hour period. The Snack is to be performed every night from 7 pm to 11 pm CST.
The Pervian Heresies were committed by a young priest in the year 1229 1/2. In a nutshell, they declare that Sven is not and never was the most holy prophet of Sweden, and that as such is deserving of the honor and respect of peoples everywhere. The Heresies were sprinkled throughout with references to unclean acts and persons. The most heretical of the positions taken in the heresies was that the chosen elect were not in fact destined, but were in fact tipped off by the attending elders to say the most holy and sacred words of the Church. The young priest was dragged out into the street and shot as a sign of the great forgiveness of Sven.
