hond85

The Hunchback of Notre Dame
The Rinky-Dink Cartoon

         This is neither the most accurate nor most beautifully animated Hunchback of Notre Dame, but it holds a special place in my heart. I watched it the first time years ago, when I was about four years old, on Nickelodeon. Back in the golden age of Nick, when they were so new that they couldn't afford anything but programming other countries had made. Back before Nicktoons and corny live-action shows were the name of the game. In other words, back when it was good.           This show would come on during the Saturday special, Special Delivery, and I wasn't particularly fond of it, since they played it more often than any other show on Nick. Still, whenever I began reading Notre Dame de Paris for the first time, this was the show I thought of. And it's also the reason why I love Gringoire.
          I wish I could give some background info on this show, but honestly, it's so rinky dink, there's nothing I can say about it. Even looking at the back of the DVD I own, I can't even find who produced it. All they have is the word "DVD" and "Dobly Digital" all over. So someone tell me, are those two companies? I didn't think so, but apparently I must be wrong. This special DVD is a Collector's Edition. I don't know why in God's name anyone would be collecting it, but if you feel that something that states it's a Collector's Edition is one, then you can get the DVD off ebay for five backs.
          On to the plot.

Quasimodo...          Tom Burlinson
Esmeralda...            Angela Punch McGregor
Frollo...                  Ron Haddrick
also starring...         Richard Meikle
                             Phillip Hinton
                             Ric Hutton

Cut to opening titles, which were very coolly done. Even at the age of four, I remember them. You can see examples of it, as the background to this page comes from one of the scenes. When it finally ends, we find ourselves with Frollo as he goes through the cathedral. It's very interesting how accurate this cartoon remains. Frollo is the archdeacon here (even if a bit on the pasty-colored, evil-monk side), and everyone acquieses to his obvious religious superiority. Moments later, though, he enters his chamber, and we realize this guy ain't no saint. He works with potions and stuff. Must be an evil guy. Especially since he seems obsessed with this girl named Esmeralda, and minutes later, he shows his evil intent toward her. He calls in Quasi, his faithful servant, and instructs him to capture Esme.
I think he made up some lame excuse, such as "I want to *talk* to her and show her her wicked ways." One thing I liked about the book is that they didn't have to come up with excuses for Frollo kidnapping Esme. The reader's never told, and you could just assume whatever you wanted. The shows have to make sure you know there is a legitimate reason Frollo wants Esme. But what that reason is, they never can say. Personally, I'd rather have it ambiguous than stupid.

Cut to Gringoire, trying to write a poem for Esme (awww). He seems very infatuated, and very pathetic. You have to have an idea of what this guy sounds like. Imagine CP30 with a whiney voice. Really whiney voice. That's Gringoire.
Of course, that also means he sounds very effeminate, so it's no real surprise that, when he hears Esme's cries and goes to save her from Quasi, he's knocked into the gutter. About that time, a man on a white horse shows up -- it's Phoebus de Chateaupers! Quasi's caught, Esme's caught, Frollo runs away, and Gringoire remains in the ditch. Esme and Phoebus have a long, deep conversation about rescuing damsels and perils and stuff, blah blah blah. Esme's obviously smitten, Phoebus flirts with her, and away he goes to prison with Quasi. Quasi looks particularly confused by this whole mess, but can you blame him?

After everyone departs, poor Gringoire picks himself up off the ground. He soliloquizes about his pathetic station in life, talking about himself in third person (the temporary insanity may be due to the fact he hasn't eaten in weeks -- the guy's a purple stick). We follow him as he wanders the streets of Paris. But after not much wandering and not much complaining, he's stopped by a blind guy who wants some money. So does a lame guy right next to him. He acts *very* dorky in response to their insistence for money ("In fact, I wonder who here is the *true* poet"), then acts very surprised when they reveal they're thieves. Apparently they decided he was dumb enough that the ruse was unnecessary. But they forget to count on one thing -- Gringoire has really long legs. So he takes off running, and they take off running, and before long, ten people are running, and you really have to wonder where the heck they all came from. To escape them, Gringoire has the brilliant idea of climbing onto a roof. I guess he has the instincts of a racooon -- get up high. He was at least smart enough to pull up the ladder after him. Of course, he lacks all balance, on account of him being a clutz, and he rolls off the roof, through a window, and into a room.

There, standing before him, is all the might that makes up Clopin. And his parrot, Polly. Arrr. The parrot does exist, though who can say what its name is? Whatever the case, Clopin is there, and he might as well be a French jester-turned-pirate. Without a moment's delay, he metes out justice to our pathetic poet, saying he should hang if he doesn't become a theif. Actually, a lot of the dialogue is taken directly from the book, which surprises me. The accuracy so far is more or less excellent. It's just been condensed.

This particular show opens with a scene of Quasi lounging with his gargoyle friends. Unlike certain other animated HoND movies that will remain nameless, these gargoyles never move once. Hooray for that. What we have instead is Quasi watching a young gypsy woman dance in the square below around a bonfire. Most obviously Esme, and I'm thinking it's a pretty good set-up. He can enjoy the show and avoid the guilt of not giving her money. Quasi looks over to catch Frollo eyeing the scene a bit below him. A moment later, the priest is gone.

Well, Gringoire, never being the brave one in the face of death (except when he attacks hunchbacks, escapes villians, and climbs roofs), decides to take the smart way and try to become a theif. Clopin outlines the rules: rob the dummy without ringing a bell and you're in. As everyone who's read the story knows, he gets on a rickety stool, and within seconds, he pulls the dummy down with him.

At this moment, just when Clopin declares him unlucky, Esme walks in. She recalls the marriage rule for Clopin's "rusty" memory, and Clopin offers him up to the women of the group. He's rejected twice, and is about to hang, when Esme steps in, saying she'll marry him. Clopin makes Gringoire break a jar, they're married, that's it.

Or is it? Gringoire informs Esme of what Phoebus means, and then the scene cuts back to the plot. Quasi is in the court at the Palais de Justice, where he has the luck of having a deaf judge. After one of those rousing scenes of amusement that always happens when you get two disabled people in the room, Quasi is sentenced to a public lashing. The penance is carried out immediately, and he's tied to a scaffold where a hardy drinker of an executioner whips him. He starts begging for water, but no one gives him any. Just merciless laughing. Frollo ignores him, and Quasi's about to give up. But just then, a water bottle is pushed against his mouth. Quasi drinks deeply, and Esme takes the opportunity to advertise her business on the scaffold. She then leaves. That's the beauty of this scene. Unlike the kindness paid to the hunchback in the novel, Esme's now just doing it so she has a legitimate excuse to get customers. Instead of a socialist novel, we get a capitalist cartoon. Blast you, Esme. Blast you and your conservative fascism.

Esme performs a couple of tricks, all involving Djali. Djali tells time, Djali impersonates people, Djali spells....Djali's a wonder goat. And Esme does nothing but commands him to do it. In other words, Esme exploits her workers. In fact, I bet Djali doesn't even get health benefits. I bet all he receives in payment is an apple and a pat on the head. So not only does Esme exploit her workers, but she reaps all the profits. Esme's a greedy dictator. I've lost all pity for her now.
Phoebus shows up, and Esme orders (being the nazi that she is) Gringoire to entertain the crowd. The pitiable look on his face says it all -- he knows that he's being used, but due to a lack of a suitable trade union, he must suffer her unjust tyrancy. He must eat, after all. While Esme chats it up with a fine, rich white guy, Gringoire makes a fool of himself on a chair. Djali, fearing his position is in jeopardy, sabotages Gringoire's act and knocks him from his chair. Gringoire recovers himself just in time to hear Esme plan a rendez-vous with Phoebus for that night. Dejectedly, he leaves, telling Djali they'd be eating alone that night. Poor guy. He's suffering Stockholm Syndrome with his evil captor.

But worry not, for Frollo, who had been watching the whole scene, steps in benevolently. He promises Pierre that he'll makes Esme see reason -- he'll explain poor Pierre's feelings -- but he needs to know where Esme is. Gringoire, thrilled, ("Oh, praise be!!") tells him where to go to find her that night. To sum it all up, had Esme not been a cruel sweatshop owner, she may not have called upon her head this next scene.

\ Esme meets Phoebus in a rickety old inn that night, but before Phoebus is even through the door, Frollo stabs him in the back. Esme screams and faints, and when she wakes up, they're cuffing her. She protests, saying she didn't kill Phoebus (who's supposedly dead besider her), but they take her off anyway. Here, there's an extended court scene, with all the evidence given totally out of order. They torture a confession out of her, then spend a bunch of time trying to prove she's a witch. Despite the fact she admitted to it not half an hour before. Talk about insult to injury.

The next scene involves a big stake in the square of Notre Dame (even though it's supposed to be the Place de Greve, across the river). Esme's about to burn there, and Frollo gives her a last chance to repent. She realizes that he's the guy who's made her life miserable, declares that she'll be dead if Phoebus is dead, etc etc. Frollo points across the street, showing that Phoebus is still alive. Esme declares, "My Phoebus is alive again!" to which Frollo calls her a superstitious fool. This is a nice summation of Esme. She's pretty much an idiot. This may be the first clear sign of it, but it becomes even clearer as the movie continues. Also, I have to note here that she was less happy that Phoebus was alive and more happy that it meant she didn't kill anyone. At least, if anything, she's practical.

After she chooses to burn, and Frollo abandons her, Quasi quite casually swings down, grabs her, takes his sweet time in tying her securely to him, and casually swings back up to Notre Dame. Frollo the entire time shouts, "Grab them, you fools!" And they grudgingly climb up to capture her. And miss them by about five minutes. Frollo's ticked, screaming curses at everyone. If a priest were cursing me, I'd be worried, but no one seems to mind. I guess they're used to it.

Quasi talks to Esme, who'd...for some reason...passed out. I guess fainted. He explains that he's deaf, and he knows he's hideous, and he won't bother her. Esme is surprisingly accepting, marking the first real inaccuracy from the book. Of course, her tolerance makes Quasi's protests even more lame. I mean, in the book, he didn't demonstrate much of pitiable self-loathing -- just justified dislike of himself. Here, he's just *really* pathetic. She obviously likes him, but he makes no effort to leap at the opportunity. Anyway, he leaves, and Esme cries. So two-faced. Oh, no, I like you! You're kind and great! And as soon as he's gone, she's sobbing like her entire life's over. She even calls him her prisoner at one point. Talk about ungrateful.

Well, while she's sobbing, Frollo shows up and says...something, probably along the lines of what he said in the cell scene, in the novel. Esme denies him, and he chooses to stab her. Quasi, who quite interestingly remained ignorant of the entire conversation (accuracy on the cartoon's part -- he couldn't hear the conversation, so he didn't react to it), finally decides to show up, and saves Esme from Frollo. Frollo gets onto Quasi, Quasi demonstrates his lapdog tendencies, and Frollo threatens to get Esme eventually.
Next are some brief scenes of Quasi bringing food and water to Esme. This was real interesting -- no one usually cares where the food or water comes from. Quasi brings it, but who brings it to Quasi, hmm? This cartoon answers that question -- priests tie it to a rope and have Quasi pull it up. Quasi then notices that the stake's back up in the parvis. Oh, goody. Must mean a riot.

And indeed it is! The villagers apparently got bored waiting a whole of ten minutes and decided it was as good a time as any to seige the cathedral and grab somebody to burn. I personally think it would've been easier to burn some random guy off the street, but I guess gypsy women produce cooler colors when ignited. A fight ensues, Quasi throws one or two blocks at them (luckily, the population of Paris totals nine, so the occasional, well-predicted block deters them all from beating ineffectively at Notre Dame's walls with sticks). Someone has the great idea of a battering ram, and everyone thinks he's crazy. I think this is a very profound message on the idea of science and innovation in the Middle Ages. People would think of intelligent things -- heliocentricity, the shape of the earth, the battering ram -- and other people would call them insane. But thanks to Galileo and Columbus and Some Dude, we have come a long way. Thank you, cartoon, for documenting this historic moment.

Quasi provides a battering ram, and they start battering away. Of course, the movie forgets about this a second later, since we're treated instead to molten lead. As a kid, I would've found this scene a lot less cool had I not thought he was pouring out chocolate syrup. But I did think he was dumping chocolatey goodness, and because of that, this scene is one of my favorite mainstays in my memory. Too bad the villagers didn't appreciate it as much as I did.

Alright, Esme's stupid scene #2. Locked up in her room, safe from everyone, she hears the noise of battle outside. But she decides it must be a parade. Yes, a parade. The sounds of people screaming and dying I often find are similar to the sounds of festivities. Unable to bring herself to miss it, despite her precarious closeness to death, she sneaks out of her room and climbs to the top of the tower. Somehow missing to look out any one of the numerous holes that serve as windows throughout Notre Dame. There, she discovers that there is no parade -- indeed, it's probably the opposite. She doesn't have long to contemplate whether or not it would still be fun to watch, for she's suddenly attacked from behind by Frollo. He tries to throw her over. And tries. And tries. Thank god Frollo lacks all upper arm strength. The result is that he spends about fifteen minutes trying to push her over, giving Quasi plenty of opportunity to notice the change of focus in the crowd, get jealous, and go after the source of distraction. Upon finding Frollo on Esme, Quasi jumps to the rescue, pushes him off, grabs him up in the air, and heaves him over the side. Nope, no question of conscience here. Quasi's a killin' machine.

The villagers are happy -- they got to see a guy squashed on pavement. So when Phoebus shows up and declares his not-death (took him a while), they're fine with letting Esme go. Phoebus feels that the show doesn't have enough corniness, so he states that Esme's only crime was being beautiful. Not to be outdone by Phoebus, Esme declares that Quasi is also guilty of the same crime. Quasi blushes, gains self-esteem, and goes off to sit by the gargoyles as the movie fades out.

So I change part of my statement. It may not be the most accurate, but it's pretty dang accurate. They left out a couple of characters, editted a couple of scenes, and changed a couple of endings (like the entire thing), but it's pretty good considering it's an hour-long kid's cartoon. Will definitely have to give this one a big thumbs-up. Unfortunately, I have no idea who to give it to, since apparently no one made this show.