At the Labuan ferry terminal we saw a poster promoting the Waterfront Hotel. The section that caught our attention advertised a dinner buffet at RM25 a head. We like buffets in the big luxury hotels. You can see exactly what you are getting, you eat what you want to eat when you want to eat it, and there's little scope for waiters to get the orders wrong.
So it was a little disappointing when we arrived at the Waterfront and found there was no buffet that night or any other night and no sign of there ever having been a buffet dinner. However, the restaurant did have a "Buy One Free One" promotion, a phrase that has always jarred on us as being grammatically suspect. The special deal for Thursday was a choice between a dish of mackerel cooked in butter with ratatouille and buttered rice, and spaghetti with either Bolognese or Napolitana sauce. The cost was RM23, the idea being that you pay RM23 for one of these dishes and your partner gets either the same dish or the other selection free of charge. I had already decided, when the promised buffet vanished into thin air, that I would like to eat at one of the little Chinese restaurants in town crowded with locals and take along a bottle of good French wine we had just purchased for the unbelievable price of RM9.90. Yoong, however, liked the idea of eating at what was reputedly one of the best hotels in town and felt sure we would get a good quality western-style meal at a reasonable price.
There were no other diners when we walked in - not a good sign, but then it was quite early in the evening. The waitress handed us the "Buy One Free One" menu and we also took the a-la-carte menu to have a look at. We found the two dishes listed, both priced at RM16. So one dish is free provided you pay an extra RM7 for the other one. Nothing is straightforward in Asia. Yoong suggested we both have the mackerel as it sounded more attractive than the spaghetti. But mackerel is not my favourite fish and if it turned out to be less of a gourmet treat than promised at least it wouldn't be a double disappointment if I ordered the spaghetti.
Things seemed to be off to a good start when we were given a glass of water each, mine iced and Yoong's warm - just the way we like it. At least they had had some experience with the different expectations of Western and Asian clients.
However, I foresaw problems when Yoong varied the order. Well, she had to. It was bad enough for her cholesterol level that the fish was cooked in butter without having buttered rice as well. She asked for it to be substituted by plain rice.
No problem. And would sir like the spaghetti with "borgese" sauce or ¡K? She didn't even attempt to pronounce the second choice.
I asked for the Napolitana.
My spaghetti arrived first, well before Yoong had anything in front of her. It looked rather dull and my first thought was that perhaps she was right and I should have had the fish as well. Then I realised what was missing. Where was the parmesan cheese?
That would make all the difference, if only they knew what it was and actually possessed such a thing. I called the waitress over.
I remembered that on an earlier dining occasion a request for parmesan cheese had resulted in blank looks all round until it finally clicked with somebody - "Oh, cheese powder!" and I was duly given a container of parmesan (or parmesan-like) cheese. So I asked the waitress for "cheese powder" and sprinkled an imaginary container of grated cheese over my spaghetti. Blank looks and a quick conference with her colleagues. The man at the cashier's desk looked our way and said, "Yes, parmesan." Great. Somebody who understood what I wanted.
I sat looking at my spaghetti. I wasn't going to start until I had some cheese on it. Yoong sat looking at the empty table in front of her.
At last the man from the cashier's desk came over and apologetically explained that they had run out of parmesan cheese. I wondered if they had ever had any.
I insisted. "You can't serve spaghetti without cheese." Especially when the spaghetti is theoretically valued at RM23, about ten times the cost of a bowl of noodles in a local restaurant. The man thought again. He suggested he could grate some cheese for me. Yes. That would solve the problem. It didn't have to be actual parmesan. After all, I had only asked for "cheese powder" in the first place. "Parmesan" had been his idea. He went off to find some cheese.
Meanwhile a plate of plain rice with some bits of cucumber on the side was placed in front of Yoong. No fish yet. She looked at her rice while I looked at my spaghetti, as we waited for the rest of our meal. At last the cheese arrived - a small serving of grated cheddar in a little bowl. I sprinkled it on and began to eat. No point letting it get any colder. Yoong waited patiently for her fish. At last the cashier came back and asked her, "What was your order?" She told him she had ordered the mackerel. "Sorry," he said. "This is meant for another diner", and he took the rice away again. Fortunately she had not yet touched it, though she had been breathing over it for about ten minutes. Sure enough there was by now one other table of diners in the room. Very easy to mix up orders on a busy night. We made the inevitable comparisons with Fawlty Towers and Yoong had some of my spaghetti. It was quite acceptable now that the cheese was added.
The spaghetti was finished by the time Yoong's order arrived. She looked at it disbelievingly, called the waitress over and pointed to the rice. "Excuse me. Is this buttered rice?"
"Yes, buttered rice."
"I asked for plain rice."
"Yes. Buttered rice."
"No, I want plain rice. No butter."
"No butter?" Then she remembered. "Oh, yes. Sorry." She took the dish away again.
It came back some minutes later with plain instead of buttered rice. There were three reasonably sized pieces of mackerel drowned in butter and a few bits of vegetable that could conceivably fit the description of ratatouille. She gave me some on a small bread and butter plate that was part of the place setting, though no bread had been offered. It was quite palatable, but not the freshest fish we had tasted in Sabah.
The staff were efficient in refilling our iced and warm water. At least they got that right. And they really didn't have much else to do. They were also very polite and apologetic about their mistakes.
We didn't think we would risk staying for dessert so we asked for the bill soon after the fish was finished. "Do you think they'll get the bill right?" Yoong asked me. A set meal with a fixed price of RM23? Not much room for error there.
"Probably not," I said. Nothing would surprise me at this stage of the evening.
So, when the bill for RM32 arrived all we could do was laugh. Yoong suggested that the special deal might only apply to lunch. I pointed out that the menu had specified "dinner" and that we had been handed this menu when we sat down. We signaled the cashier who had brought us the bill and explained to him that we had ordered the special meal for the day, which was advertised at RM23. We tried to find a copy of the "Buy One Free One" to show him, but the only menus left on the table were the a-la-carte ones. He didn't take much convincing, however, and he duly took the bill away, altered it to the correct price and returned it apologetically.
We did not leave any tips.
As we left the restaurant, the friendly staff said goodbye with a chorus of "sorry sir"s. If there were any thoughts about difficult "orang putih"s they were well hidden beneath the smiles.
"It's okay," we smiled back. "No problem." We didn't want anyone to lose face. It is no one's fault when things go wrong. That's just the way it is in Asia.
The next day we had a delicious whole steamed fish in a little Chinese restaurant at the market, with our bottle of French wine. With rice, a dish of two types of pork and a plate of green vegetables our lunch came to RM14.50.
We also had two very good meals at the excellent Chinese restaurant at Hotel Pulau Labuan 2 and a tasty breakfast at a little restaurant called Great Wall, a freshly-made chicken dumpling and a bowl of their special fish head noodles in a spicy milk-based soup.
So it is possible to eat well in Labuan, as in most parts of Asia. Our mistake was in breaking the golden rule - always eat where you see crowds of local diners.