Want a bowl of spaghetti and sausages? Then Johnny’s your man
Hello, Johnny. Where are you on this bank holiday Monday?
“I’ve just got home from Leeds and I’m about to go down to Winchester to work on a song with Andy, our drummer.”
A girl on the internet wants to marry you because you are, apparently, “the minxiest person ever”.How minxy are you?
“I don’t really think it’s my job to be minxy.”
Is it just something you do as a favour?
“I think there are people in the world who are incredibly, impossibly good-looking but I don’t think that’s really my job. Has she met me? I don’t know. I don’t really believe in marriage. I believe in Celtic marriages thousands of years ago – you’d get married for a year and a day. After that you’d go back to the same place and either renew your vows or you’d call it off.
Like an MOT?
“Well…if you want it to be…actually, no. I think it’s quite romantic. I think it’s quite a lot of pressure to put on someone in a regular marriage: ‘Will you always feel this way about me?’ You know?”
What can you cook?
“I can do this cool thing with spaghetti and pesto and, like, you bake some sausages so they’re nice and crispy on the outside. And then you chop them up into little bits. And you put some cheese on top. That’s quite a treat.”
How many members of your band are irreplaceable?
“Um…next. Next question.”
Well, you have, in a sense, answered the question.
“No, I haven’t really.”
Are you objecting to the question because I referred to Razorlight as “your band” when of course Razorlight is a total democracy and its not just your band at all? Would that be it?
“Er, yes. Um, y’know. It’s up to everybody in the band. You know what I mean? In the sense that it’s up to everybody. If I stopped wanting to write the best songs I could possibly write and put on the best shows I possibly could, I wouldn’t still be in the band. And that goes for everyone in the band – if Bjorn stopped wanting to be the best guitarist he wouldn’t be in the band either. It’s the same for everyone.”
And the other two?
“And the other two, yes”
What are the three biggest mistakes you’ve made in life?
“The first two were probably haircuts – I had a James Dean phase when I was 18, and the ‘50’s quiff didn’t really suit me. Actually I have a quiff in the new ‘Vice’ video – I’m posing as a rentboy, with a quiff”
Did you enjoy posing as a rentboy?
“Oh, it was jolly good fun. I was a bit offended though – I tried my hardest to get the right look, and then Bjorn slung in with a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt and he was there already. He was just so much camper than I was. I was gutted.”
How much would you charge as a rentboy?
“Something competitive, but not insulting.”
If you were homosexual, how much would you be prepared to pay for sex with your rentboy self?
“(Laughs) Let me think. Is this not the same question as ‘How much would you charge?’ I suppose it depends on a lot of things, not least how strong the wolf was in me that evening. And how much I’d had to drink”
You know how one of your missions is to make revolution irresistible?
“Hmm…”
You’re clearly quite clever. Why didn’t you just go into politics?
“(Finding the idea hilarious) Because I couldn’t fucking play a guitar in politics, could I?”
So basically Razorlight is just you indulging yourself with a bit of ‘Ooh, let’s have a revolution’ tagged on the end? What are you doing?
“Well, I’m writing songs, and playing them.”
But you seem so politicised in some of your interviews that, surely, you could do a lot more if you were actually in politics rather than just saying things every now and again in interviews.
“I don’t actually think that’s true, because when people hear politician talking they just switch off, because 99 per cent of what politicians say is going to be a lie”
Isn’t that all the more reason for people like you to do something about it? You look great. You have nice hair. The kids would love it.
“It doesn’t really appeal to me”
Finally, Johnny, did you ever get lost as a child?
“Yes, in Brent Cross shopping centre. I lost my mum and I was screaming and crying. And then my grandfather came and picked me up, but the people in John Lewis wouldn’t let my grandfather take me to see my mum because all they could see was this old bloke trying to steal a crying child. It all turned out happy in the end, though.”
FYI
Johnny knows nine people who’s lives have been changed by Razorlight
Johnny is not sure if he has a girlfriend, because “It’s all very confusing”
Johnny’s autobiography will be called ‘Love, Lust and Lotion’