The SECRET!!!!! Diary of Legolas Greenleaf.

Entry 1
Received summons to some meeting in Rivendell. Note stressed that subject was of the utmost importance. Used that as leverage to get Father to allow me to go. I fear that if I spend much more time in Mirkwood subjects will have one cracked (but pretty!) Elven prince on their hands and nobody wants that.

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Entry 2
Have left for Rivendell with some other important Elf people- few of whom I know the names of. Despite the fact that this journey was supposed to be secret, we (okay, I) was followed by a horde of Elven Fangirls, and even a few gross giant spider Fangirls. Very disturbing.
Nearly out of Mirkwood- we've stopped to make camp. The greedy eyes of the Fangirls and of the Giant Spider Fangirls are gleaming from the circle of darkness around us. Very creepy. Excuse me as I go hide in my bedroll.

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Entry 3
Was kidnapped by an unusually persistent Fangirl of the oversized arachnid division. Was shown off, bragged over, and generally abused for several hours before being rescued by those traveling with me. Have discovered that I have developed a rather strong arachnophobia due to the incident. I fear it may be permanent. Saw a small brown spider and screamed like a girl. Have sworn all with me to secrecy. Now you know why this diary is SECRET!!!!!

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Entry 4
This is several days after the- ahem- "incident." Have become very paranoid- am jumping at small noises and screaming at loud ones, expecting a 12-foot spider or a venomous Fangirl.
A little over ¼ of the way to Rivendell.

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Entry 5
Am much more relaxed now. Am able to keep from screaming at every loud noise and have limited my spider-sighting reactions down to a small squeak. Have been no fangirl sightings since Mirkwood, therefore I have a moderate sense of security.
Am being blackmailed by one of my company. I must comply with his yet-to-be-named demand or have all of the Elves, Men, and even Dwarves know of the "incident." Do not yet know who my blackmailer is.

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Entry 6
Received Blackmailer's demands. I must cut my hair up to my ears or he will tell all of my rather embarrassing... Well, you know. Deliberating which is worse: being ridiculed because of a haircut, or be ridiculed because of my phobia. Decisions, decisions.
Halfway to Rivendell.

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Entry 7
Discovered identity of my blackmailer. I reread the demand note, and he had signed his name at the bottom. Humph. The bad spelling should have given him away immediately. His name is Malanielath, and he prides himself on being prettier than me. He SO is not!! Plus, he has the brain of a dwarf. So THERE.

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Entry 8
Malanielath had an, erm, "unfortunate mishap" today. Somehow, his bedroll was filled with snakes! He screamed so loud and high I feared that my beautiful and delicate elven ears would bleed. A bird in the tree above us was stunned by the unearthly, horrid, and girly sound and the poor creature plummeted to its death.
Ha. I didn't kill any birds with MY scream. I didn't kill the spiders, either. Malanielath shot all the snakes with his bow, and now that the bedroll has been tainted with the snakes' blood he refuses to use it and sleeps on the bare ground instead. So much for 'preserving and valuing life.' And he calls himself an Elf.

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Entry 9
Have stopped receiving blackmail messages.

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Entry 10
Malanielath (and I honestly had absolutely nothing to do with this) fell from his horse, hit a rock, and is now missing a front tooth! Who's prettier now, huh?
He gives us Elves a bad name. What happened to all of HIS Elvish grace? He certainly has a lack of it. He blames that the snakes set him off. Yeah right.
We shall reach Rivendell tomorrow.

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Entry 11
Got to Rivendell. Tried to ask Elrond what the meeting was about, but he said he was “busy” and said I’d find out later. Fine, BE that way. I think I know what he’s all about anyway- I caught the scent of his shampoo drifting from the room behind him. Yes, Rivendell Hair care- that’s the name of his company. I bet he’s trying to own all our companies- AGAIN. That’s what his last “Secret Council” was about. He’s honestly trying again? Well, this time he won’t even come CLOSE to proving that his glop is better than Mirkwood Magic Hair Agency. Hmmm…
Must start on pushing Mirkwood Magic ahead… I bet I can get some of my Fangirls to switch from his garbage to our wonderfully scented stuff- there are enough of them around. There are so many here in Rivendell! Nervous twitch back full force.

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Entry 12
More Fangirls today. I swallowed my revulsion and tried to use them as means to foil Elrond's evil plots. I went STRAIGHT UP to a group of Fangirls *applaud me* and handed out free samples of Mirkwood Magic products. I even passed out that really good raspberry scented stuff, and told them it was all I used. That worked- they took it like it was candy. I mean, uh, lembas. What's candy? Anyway, I fooled them- I only use the lavender scented stuff! Bwahaha!
Ahem.
Saw Gandalf talking to a really old midget today. I talked to the midget after Gandalf had left and offered him some Mirkwood Magic Hair Rejuvenizer for Curly hair, but he declined. The poor little man- sucked in by Elrond's ploys.

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Entry 13
Elrond must be really trying to expand his hair-care borders. I saw a human today; his name was Aragorn. Turn's out he's Isildur's heir- you know, the guy who cut the Super Evil Ring of the Super Evil Dude's hand? Don't know what HE has to do with hair products. Not only does he have no real control over any kingdom (he's supposed to, but he doesn't) he has a hair condition that needs to be washed three times a day or it becomes grimy and gross like magic, poor guy. He can never hope for hair like mine. Note to self: Consider trying to cover that condition with a Mirkwood Magic Shampoo.
Man, if Mirkwood Magic pulled THAT off, Rivendell Hair Care would have NOTHING on us!

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Entry 14
Discovered to day just how far Elrond's trying to go. More men arrived today (Aragorn's hair condition must be common in Humans) and some Dwarves as well! I'm appalled. DWARVES. Maybe I need to hand out more free samples. Honestly, Elrond's going all-out!

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Entry 15
Feel stupid. Very stupid. Very very very stupid.
Was talking with Aragorn today (he's not a bad guy) and he mentioned that Frodo the Midget was better and the Council will meet day after tomorrow to discuss what to do with the Ring of Power.
"The Ring of Power?" I repeated, "Not THE Ring of Power? Sauron's Ring of Power?"
"Yeah," he answered. "Didn't you know about it? FIGWIT was supposed to tell you."
So Elrond isn't trying to take over Mirkwood Magic Hair Agency after all. At least, he's not so straightforward about it yet. I'm still sure he is. He's sneaky.
Am planning to hunt down FIGWIT tomorrow and talk to him about his lapse in memory.
Yes, I am an Elven Idiot.

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