"You didn't mean all that, did you?" Shina wondered. "I mean, all that stuff about regretting what happened, and telling him that he could cut off your hand." Long brushed his bangs out of his face while wondering how much of it he really had meant.
"I am not certain..."
"Long, you don't really regret it that much... do you?" He brushed through his bangs one more time while searching his mind for her answer. After considering the matter he was both surprised and ashamed to find that, although he was very sorry about what had happened, he did not actually regret doing it.
"Not that much." he replied.
"Maybe if my father really does losen up you won't have to be so anxious all the time." she hoped.
"Perhaps... although..."
"What is it Long?"
"I..." It is strange... he thought, that although my heart is in this, in my mind I am still not certain. My heart conflicts with my mind on this matter much the same way that it does while I struggle to use my fighting skills...
"Long?" Shina prompted, walking up to him and waving a hand in front of his face. "Sometimes I get the feeling that your mind is somewhere else."
Many times it is, he agreed. "I apologize." he looked at her and nodded to show he was paying attention to her again. "It is my problem, I am still uncertain of myself. It has nothing to do with you, Jannu. There was never anything wrong with you."
"Oh." she mumbled, startled by his quick confession. "Well... what can you do about that?"
"I... have no idea." he replied, shaking his head in disdain at his own inability to discover the answer.
"Well... I know something I can do." she stated, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. "Long." She used his name to get his attention, and it worked. He looked into her eyes for a moment before she pulled in closer and banished his fears with her tender kiss. I think I love you Long... the more time I spend around you the more sure I am. But I can see... that you are not ready for me to tell you. Her kisses became more insistant as they continued, eventually she used them to pry his mouth open slightly, and then she run her tongue along the edges of his lips.
A deep, but soft groan escaped his chest as he replied, sliding his tognue along her lips until it met with hers. She sighed as their lips re-joined, the tips of their tongues gently caressing each other. She opened her mouth a little wider, taking his with it, and reached her tongue a little farther into his mouth, deepening the kiss. Oh Jannu, he thought. If only I could lose myself in your kiss... Or if I could find myself... it would be so perfect. He continued his exploration of her mouth with his tongue a few minutes more before concluding, But, that's not going to happen.
"Jannu..." he broke off the kiss and moved back just far enough to look into her eyes. "Do you know that we haven't even really know each other for a whole week?"
"Long..."
"I'm not trying to complain again." he explained, shaking his head. "But I don't understand... How could this happen so quickly? I have never had a feeling like this before in my life, and all of a sudden..."
"That's just the way it happens Long." she answered, moving one hand up to stroke the side of his cheek. "Does that bother you?"
"I guess..." he admitted, searching for the words to further explain himself. "Because I don't understand it... I am afraid that I will end up doing something I regret."
"Don't be afraid." she said, giving him a swift hug "I guess... I know I should back off. I mean, I know that we hardly even know each other. But I guess, something inside me just wants to keep going, you know?" She stepped back and looked into his eyes for the answer.
"I do know what you mean." he confessed, raising one hand to brush through his bangs.
"I guess you've just go a lot more self restraint than I do." she added.
"That seems to be my problem doesn't it?" he asked, thinking it over. "Ever since the day I left Tylon I have been... uncertain of myself. So instead of taking the risk that I might do anything terrible again, sometimes... I do nothing."
"I could hardly blame you for that." she told him, dragging her hand down his cheek and neck before stopping at his shoulder and massaging it firmly. "Long, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, I'm sure the memory is painful for you. Still I can't help but wonder... Why did you ever work for Tylon?"
"If you don't mind, could I answer that tomorrow?" Long requested, sliding his fingers under his glasses and rubbing his eyes. "I am really getting tired."
"Of course." she aquiesced. "I don't know If I'm awake much either... maybe not even enough to drive. I'm sure Dad wouldn't mind you spending the night again..."
"Next time I come to visit you here I'm going to bring a suitcase." Long moaned. "I really don't mind the baggy shirts and pants, but wearing your father's boxers is beginning to disturb me."
"I knew you'd see it my way." she replied, play-punching at his arm while allowing a loud yawn to escape her mouth.
"I'm serious Jannu." he added. "I know that they're clean, but if I stop to think for even a second about who else may have been touching them the last time he was wearing them..." They both laughed for a few minutes.
"Well, I'm going to bed." Shina announced, walking towards the stairs.
"Me too." Long concurred, following after her. "I mean... to the guest room bed anyways..."
"Knock it off!" she reached one hand back to smack the side of his arm. "I know what you meant."
Shina got up in the middle of the morning to the golden rays of the sun shining through the thin curtains covering her window. She climbed carefully out of bed and stretched her arms to the sky, also stretching her back, and then her legs. Then she took off her pajamas and threw them in the nearby hamper before going into the shower and washing the night's sweat from her body. She dressed herself in a black sleeveless shirt and some jeans before walking down the stairs and into the main room, expecting to see Long sitting on the couch and staring at the fireplace, but he wasn't there. She looked into the front room, but he wasn't there either.
"That's strange." she mumbled to herself. Obviously my father and Jenny are gone already, they would have left pretty early, but I don't understand why Long wouldn't be up. Maybe he is reading one of my father's books in the study? It sounded like something he would do, but when she peeked into the study he wasn't there. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't find him in the training room, she thought. She decided to check anyways, only to find that he wasn't there either.
"Could he really still be asleep?" she wondered, walking back up the stairs. She paused before the door to the guest room and gave it two swift knocks. "Long?" And she heard nothing, so she tried again. "Long? You in there?" If he was alseep wouldn't all this knocking wake him up? I hope he didn't go anywhere... She yanked open the door to find him sitting crosslegged on top of the bed. Her father's pants sagged over his legs, his bare feet sticking out from under his knees. He clasped his hands in front of his naked chest and his moist hair fell down over his shoulders. His eyes were closed, deep in concentration.
She walked over to him and poked him in the leg. "Long? What are you doing?" He didn't respond, and she noticed that he wasn't wearing his glasses, they were sitting on a night stand at the side of the bed. Is he... meditating? After taking another glance over him she decided that she must be right. How strange, I've never seen anyone meditate before. I guess I should probably leave him alone for awhile. She backed towards the door, still looking at him and wondering why he hadn't responded to her touch. And then she turned and left the room, going back downstairs to get some breakfast.
Long took in a slow, deep breath, willing his tensed muscles to relax, and feeling his body respond as the air entered into the depths of his lungs. His exhaled slowly, allowing his body to relax even further untill all the tension was finally driven from it. He concentrated on his breathing, putting all his effort into regulating his slow steady breaths while driving all conscious thoughts from his mind. For a moment he put all his doubts behind him, his uneasiness about his feelings for Shina, his fear of using his ability to fight, and even his continued guilt about his own past, were temporarilly forgotten.
He continued this concentration until he was finally at peace, and he used the rare moment, free of all his fears and doubts to ask himself one question: How may I accomplish what I have set out to do? Instantly his doubts and fears crowed into his mind, but he pushed them back, his body tensing at the effort. He focused on his breathing, forcing his tense muscles to relax again. Mind... body... and heart... he thought, all are linked together as one. It was the main princple of any Martial Art, and the only way to find sucess and inner peace. If one should fall out of harmony with the others, then all will fail.
He broke his concentration, his hands separating and falling down to steady themselves on his knees as his eyes popped open. He was unable to calm his thoughts and drive his doubts from his mind again. What a failure I am, he thought. My father would be so dissapointed... Not that it matters. Why can't I do this? Why was it that he couldn't bring himself to drive his thoughts from his mind again, were they really so insistant that he had no control over them? Failure, failure! the words buzzed in his head.
"No." he stated firmly, rising from the bed. "I will not be a failure. I will attempt this again... later." He sighed before picking his glasses up off the table, putting them on, and walking over to the dresser. One of Alan's shirts that Shina had taken for him last night sat on top of it and he put it on. He walked into the bathroom and glanced at himself in the mirror. "You really are a failure you know?" he told himself. "At least, for the moment anyway." He could not bare to look into his own eyes, so took a brush out of a drawer and brushed his hair into a ponytail at the back of his neck and slid his hair bands over it. But I will not continue to be a failure...
After finishing with his hair he adjusted his glasses and gave his image in the mirror a final glance before leaving the room and walking down the stairs. After he got to the bottom he found Shina sitting at the bar, munching hungrilly at the last piece of sausage that had obviously been part of a large meal. He walked up to her and bowed graciously.
"Made you some eggs." she said, pointing into the kitchen. He looked over at one counter to find a plate set with what looked to be two scrambled eggs and two pancakes. "I also made some beacon and sausage, but I figured you didn't want any." He nodded his agreement before walking into the kitcken and getting himself a glass of milk before picking up the plate and utensils by it's side. Suddenly it occured to him that she had anticipated his need for breakfast... and that he had felt a small disturbance during his meditation.
"Jannu... if you would, excuse my behaviour this morning." he apologized. "While in meditation one is not alowed to become distracted by..."
"Aw, it's okay." she interrupted, popping the last little bit of sausage into her mouth. "I was just confused, I had looked all over the house for you. I was starting to get worried that you'd left or something... Anyway I hope I didn't distract you. I was just curious, never saw anyone meditate before." Long nodded, showing that he had paid attention to her words, and then sat down next to her and started eating. "So... what were you meditating for?"
"Several reasons." he replied. "It was somethig I felt I had to do. After finishing my shower this morning I decided that I might as well try..." even though I ended up failing... but there will be another time, and one day I will suceed.
"Try and what?" Shina asked. "What do you really do while meditating anyway? Don't you ever fall asleep?" Long chuckled at the remark.
"I have a few times in the past," he admitted. "when I was younger. It is a terrible thing to do really, but even Tamo... do you know who he is? He is the Buddhist priest responsible for developing Shaolin's Martial Arts, and also known for his meditation. Anyway, he fell asleep once while meditating, and then became so angry with himself that he cut off his eyelids."
"Ew, that's crazy!" Shina protested. "You wouldn't ever do that would you?"
"I don't believe I would ever resort to something like that." he answered, laughing at the possibility. "Anyway, he traveled to the Shaolin temple, but they wouldn't let him in. He spent years meditating in a nearby cave until they did. It is said that his constant gaze bored a hole through one side of the cave."
"That's impossible." Shina complained. "You Chinese people sure are weird." Long laughed at the strange look on her face. "And what did you do while you were a hermit out in your cave? Did you meditate too?"
"No, actually." he replied. "Although I probably should have. I might have been able to get over my past... but no, the three years were wasted."
"Oh, sorry I mentioned it." she offered. "I was just curious about what it is, what do you really do when you're meditating? Do you think about something?"
"Actually, the point of meditation is to clear your mind of all thought." Long explained.
"Really?" she wondered. "I can't imagine you doing that."
"I am having some difficulty with it." he solemnly admitted, returning to his breakfast.
"Why do you try to do it then?" she asked.
"It is relaxing." he answered. "And clearing you mind of it's thoughts, if you can manage to do so, can help you discover what steps you need to take to improve your life."
"Hm... I guess I could see why you would want to do that." she agreed. "Just don't ever ask me to meditate, I would definately fall asleep."
"Wouldn't dream of it." Long replied. And then they both laughed at the remark for awhile. Eventually they calmed down and Long resumed consuming his breakfast.
"So Long... you were going to tell me about something this morning." she reminded.
"I remember." he informed her. "I would like to finish my breakfast first if you don't mind, and then go sit on the couch."
"Of course." she nodded her agreement. "Go ahead and eat, I know it can't be an easy thing to talk about. You don't mind telling me, do you?"
"If you don't mind listening." he replied, taking a bite of his eggs. She waited patiently by his side untill he finished the meal, which didn't take very long because he actually seemed to be hungry. When he was done he took his plate, flatware, and cup to the sink and rinsed them out before they both went to sit down on the couch. A fire had not been lit in the hearth yet that day, and since it wasn't very cold neither of them bothered to do so. Long shifted around in his seat a little bit before letting out a sigh and beginning his explanation.
"I'm going to start with my training in the Art of Kenpo." he announced. "Some of it pertains to my reason for... working for Tylon." Shina nodded her head, but didn't say anything, allowing him to gather his thoughts. "My father trained me," he admitted. "and taught me all that I know. It started when I was five. I never really wondered why he was training me to fight, I accepted it because it had been passed down to him from my grandfather, sort of a family tradition you could say." He seemed to stare off into the distance for a moment, memories of his past flooding back into his mind.
"I progressed quite rapidly." he added. "By the time I was ten I had mastered the art, and at the age of twelve I began to become even stronger then he was."
"You were pretty young." Shina commented. "I guess I started training pretty young too, ever since my father found me, although I don't think I've surpassed him yet."
"My father was not as strong as yours." Long added. "Anyway, all the time I was growing up, my training was the only time I spent with him. He was a very strict teacher, and the rest of the time he was gone. I would ask my mother where he went, but she would only tell me that he was at work. Once or twice I actually got up the courage to ask him what his work was... only to be punished and told to stay out of his business. My sister didn't like it either... well, she is another story." Shina wanted to ask how they had all died, afterall he had said that for all he knew all his family members were gone... or were they all lost somewhere?
"One day, not long after I turned 13... er... maybe I should rephrase that." Shina laughed at the comment and Long continued. "I decided to follow him, to see where he was going. I followed him right up to the place, but couldn't get in without someone seeing me. What I didn't know was that someone already had seen me, and that the place my father worked at... was Tylon."
"Your father worked for those creeps too?" Shina asked, not really surprised when she thought about it. "Was he also an assassin?"
"No, he wasn't an assassin. He was not strong enough for that." Long answered. "I managed to get away that day, but when my father came home that night he was unusually angry. He insisted on staying up to train with me late into the night, and in the morning, he took me with him."
"Your father took you into that place?"
"I was confused too." he admited. "To this day I don't know why he did. He spent so many hours training me in Martial Arts, and then just handed me over to them." A sad look crept over his face as he went on. "I wondered if he knew it would happen, if he had been preparing me to become as assassin all my life. I suppose... I had always hoped that underneath it all, he truly loved me... but... I was proven wrong that day." His eyes began to water as the thought of that day and how coldly his father had presented him to them. Shina caught the look and used one hand to massage his chest, moving closer to give him a soft kiss to the cheek.
"They took me into an examination room and tried to strap me to a table, but I fought back." Long resumed. "There were three of them, I knocked one out, and almost killed another in my rage, but one got away. Once they discovered my skill it was decided that I would make a better assassin than a test subject."
"Oh, Long..."
"They threatened to kill my family if I did not serve them, of course. At the time, I didn't know..." he left the sentence unfinished, absorbed in his memories of the past.
"Didn't know what?" Shina asked.
"About zoanthropes." he replied. "No one had ever told me how they came to be... I guess I just assumed that it was natural, some strange gene or another. I didn't know that they had all been created by scientists at Tylon, to use as weapons. But what I also didn't know until that day, was that I was already a zoanthrope myself."
"How could that happen?" Shina wondered.
"I assume that my father had been one of their first experiments." Long replied. "I don't know about my mother or my sister, but I think that maybe they were also zoanthropes before they died, although I have no way of knowing now." he sighed, thinking of his memories of his sister, and then continued. "They were considering turning me into a zoanthrope when they first caught me. They strapped me to a table, all ready to go, but my father must have told them before they could... do whatever it is they do.
"They seemed surprised. I guess they hadn't known that zoanthrope traits could be inherited through birth, I really don't even know how my father knew... Except that, since he was a zoanthrope he had the zoanthrope sense... Anyway, I was sure I had never transformed before. They felt that they had to test me of course, so they put me into an arena with an assassin who beat me until I transformed. I guess they were pleased with me, because they sent me back home with my father that day."
"You must have hated him."
"Sometimes I still do... I thought about killing him that night... or maybe at least hurting him very badly for what he had done. But my mother and sister still needed him, they depended on his income to survive."
"What happened after that?" Shina wondered. "Why would they let you go home in the first place?"
"I guess they figured that I wouldn't risk the lives of my mother and sister by running off." he replied. "Eventually they introduced me to the other assassins, occasionally I would go out on assignment with them, as part of my training. They would tell me how to use the information that Tylon sent them on their targets, and sometimes I would watch them work."
"How horrible."
"After awhile I was ready... or so they said. I can still remember my first assignment..." The memory flew into his mind, cutting off his words. It was of another young man, only a year older than he had been at the time. The dark shadow of an assassin watching from behind, hissing in his ear, 'If you don't kill him, then we'll kill your family boy. Every single one of them: slow, painful deaths. First we'll take your mother and rip her clothes off, and then...'
"I guess it would be hard to forget." she agreed, interrupting his thoughts and taking his hand in hers and squeezing it gently. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the memory, thankful that Shina had stopped it.
"I... was... treated like any other assassin after that." he continued. "They paid me well..." He could not keep the memory from continuing in his mind... a short fight followed the assassin's threats. He broke a few ribs, and the other coughed up blood. He obviously had no training at all in hand-to-hand combat, and it had been all too easy to crack the boy's head open, making his fist kill. In his mind he could still see the bloody body lying on the floor... and then the same blood on his own hands. 'Not bad.' the other assassin complimented him.
"Long?"
"I-I'm sorry." he replied, "I... Where was I?"
"You said they paid you well?"
"They did that for most of their assassins," he added, "so that they didn't need any other jobs and were always available for work. I lived at home with my family, although, after that day... both my mother and sister knew that something about me was different... They could see my anger towards my father, but they didn't ask about it. They already knew what my father would do if anyone asked." Then one day, I tried to kill him...
"What an @$$ hole." Shina grumbled.
Yes he was. Long agreed in his mind. This was all his fault! "I had a lot of work from then on." Long told her. "They told me that if I ever failed to kill my targets, they would kill my family. Even if it was an accident I could not fail, or else... so... I became absorbed in my work. So much that, after awhile, I killed without even realizing it, without even thinking about it... I really don't know what happened to me." He paused there for a moment remembering the cold detatchment he had felt while killing.
"I would focus on my movements, and study the other person, predicting what they would do so I could counter or block them, or even turn their attacks against themselves. I had to be the best at what I did, I had no choice!" But the monster I turned into was incapable of showing compassion to anyone... "Many times I became so focused that I forgot who I was fighting, sometimes I was so focused on attacking that I would keep going even after the vitcim was already dead." That was my way of protecting myself from the pain... the only way I could ignore what I was doing. The only way I could keep doing it without going insane. But I was so wrong... "Eventually my mother and sister died."
"What? How did they die?"
I can't tell you. Long thought, in anguish over his memories. I cannot face this now! "It seems they had some kind of illness." he lied. "It was very deadly, and it worked fast. All I can remember is that one day they were confined to their beds and then all of a sudden they were gone."
"You have no idea at all what killed them?"
"I don't know," he lied again. I hate to lie to you Jannu, but I cannot face the truth! "maybe my father did, he spent more time at home with them then I. But I never talked to him. That's all I can tell you."
"And..." Shina began, carefully what words she chose. "once they were gone... you continued to work after that?"
"I... didn't have much of a choice." he replied. Yes I did, he thought. I could have left, even if I couldn't kill my father... "At first with my sister and mother gone I didn't think about it..." What a lie! Leaving was all I could think about! "I had grow so used to my work." So used to it that I didn't know how to stop. "I moved out of home once they were gone, leaving my father there. I didn't want to be around him, I wanted to quit, but..." I couldn't do it. Why couldn't I kill him? I killed everyone esle, damn it! "Still, they would kill my father if I didn't keep killing."
"Didn't you... almost want him dead?" Shina wondered.
"Yes! I hated him." Long confessed. "I thought about leaving just for that purpose, not really even caring if I myself died in the process, but... When it came down to leaving, I couldn't do it. Even if I could somehow escape and gain my own freedom, it would have been his doom. I couldn't bring myself to do something that I knew would get him killed."
"But... he..." hurt you so much.
"I know."
"Why?" Shina wonderd. "How could you..." save the life of a man who betrayed you in such a way? It was his fault that he taught you how to kill, and then turned you over to Tylon so you could kill so many others. And you still couldn't bare to...?
"I just coudn't do it." Long answered. My mother and sister, they loved him so much... To them he was worth dying for. "I tried to, but I couldn't leave. Not until... I met your father."
"So, what happened to your father after that? He was still alive when they sent you after my father?"
"He was." Long admitted. "It's funny... once, soon after my mother and sister were gone, he actually tried to thank me for staying. He knew it would have meant the end of his life if I left... But I ignored him. I walked away. I couldn't bare to hear him speak... Do you know what your father made me realize?"
"What?" she responded.
"I had killed so many people... just to save his life. Your father made me realize that no matter how much I thought I loved him, or the rest of my family, their lives were not worth so many others. So in the end I had to leave. I'm not even sure if they killed him really, last I heard he was helping with some valuable work... but they might have done it after losing my trail. If they did, it would have been a long and gruesome death."
"Long..." she cried, a tear forming at the edge of one eye. "I'm so sorry..."
"It wasn't you fault." he interrupted. She tuned towards him and wrapped her arms around his chest, hugging him close. "Besides, I am not sorry. It was a fate he should have expected long ago..." He put one arm over her sholder and looked into her eyes, using his free hand to brush her bangs out of her face. "It's alright Jannu... I'll be alright." He leaned into her face and gently kissed her cheek before moving to her mouth. Jannu... you are the first person who has ever cared enough to hear my story.