While the boring documentary was putting people to sleep all over the world, the mermaids began to smuggle the Mystic Tea. They hid the Mystic Tea in the tallest tower of the Upside-Down Castle at the bottom of the ocean.
This castle was actually a clever network of caves carved to resemble a Victorian castle. But the caves could be seen only by those who could hold their breath long enough to :
a) get to the bottom of the ocean, and
b) explore the huge complex
They also had to memorize every detail of the castle so they could create a mental image of it turned inside-out. This was essential because there were no windows in the castle.
But so what? So the upside down castle at the bottom of the oceaan didn't have windows. Big deal! Screw the windows, because what the Upside-Down Castle at the bottom of the ocean did have was Government Cheese!
Yes, lots and Lots of Government Cheese had been hidden on the bottom of the ocean! (no oceans in Siberia, let me tell you.) Anyway, Lots of Government Cheese had been growing in the octopus' garden. In this garden was found a knitted corn toboggan that the octopus enjoyed wearing whenever it harvested the Government Cheese. Sometimes you could find it relaxing and sucking down a six-pack of Peach Faygo.
One day it was doing just that when suddenly the Government Cheese came alive. It walked right up to the octopus and said, "Pardon me, but I seem to have completely run out of toilet paper. Please do not be afraid. I will not harm you. I am the Messiah. You may call me Cheesus."
The stunned octopus replied, "I don't care if you're Queen Victoria. I don't have a square to spare!" So the enraged Cheesus flung himself at the hapless octopus. The octopus was shocked that the Messiah of Cheeseyism would choose an octopus to give its first violent sermon to!
However, this was no ordinary octopus. This one was a Master of Tentacle-Chi-Muyo. So with cartoon like speed and absurdity, the octopus grabbed Cheesus and started to bend and twist the Sacred Cheese until finally Cheesus had become cottage cheese!
Yes, cottage cheese! But each one of those little curds of Cheesus were just as violent as the original! Yelling vindictive comments, the little white globules of partially curdled milk began to sing!
What these pieces of curdled milk began to sing was the most horrid song ever devised by those evil bastards down in Florida. They had written it in order to get their message across loud and clear. These pieces of Cheesus began to sing:
"It's a small world after all, It's a small world a-after all." and they sang it over and over again.
The octopus fought on valiantly but this insidious song was quickly sapping its strength and mental resolve. "Damn that Disney!" It thought, "I must DO something." But what could it do except counter this Disney song by playing an Ace Of Base tune from its portable boombox. And when it did so, of course, the cottage-cheese quickly turned into curds and whey.
But the octopus had not counted on the music attracting the #1 Ace Of Base fan. She was Malaria Chickenscratch, a 73-year-old piano-mover and part time mother of two.
Malaria, Malaria, quite contraria,
How does you garden grow?
With government Cheese and Octopussies.
Now hand me that piano so I can get to work.
Yes, it was Midnight Malaria, the chain-smoking bitch who had come out of the chrysalis. With her trusty +5 Steinway, she began to mercilessly flatten the poor cephalopod.
The noise of this underwater assault and battery reached the ears of corn growing in a peaceful Indiana field. Also in the same field was Felix Finkleheimer, a career farmer and lady's man extraordinaire. He had just turned his tractor around and he then screamed out in terror!
That low thumping bass meant only one thing to him: The aliens were coming back! And this time they had brought their tongues! If the world was to be kept safe for Cheesyism, there was only one thing he could do, and that was to give the aliens Chia Pets.
He hoped this brave and risky action would distract the aliens long enough for him to figure out what they had done with Elvis.
Tarkg of the SaucerPeople carried his Chia Pet gift from Earth very reverently into his personal spiritual development chamber onboard the spacecraft. Being completely deaf, he never heard the ticking of the Atomic Mutant Chia Pet.
Upon completing his prayers and examination of this Earth gift, he neatly wiped his ass with it and flushed it down the interstellar hopper. This of course meant that the Chia Pet exploded harmlessly in space.
Thousands of years later, the shock waves from this exploding Chia Pet reached the future! Or at least the future that is important to this story, which I suppose is now, the present. Or is it?
Damn, it's hard to concentrate when you've been exiled to a prison in Siberia. And there is no toilet paper to be found here. I have been forced to use Chia Pets and boy do they chafe. And another thing: They... Oh no! HELP!
To whom it may concern: This patient has been locked in a small wooden box and will not be allowed to write again until he promises to be good. Have a nice day. Department for the Control of Weirdness.