Sister Mary Discipline paced in front of a small wooden box. Her loud footsteps were accompanied only by the repeated SLAP of a large steel ruler. She heard the prisoner scratching at the box. She assumed that he was trying to find a way out.
She heard him saying, "Um... I'm not even Catholic.... Can I get out of the box now? I really need to use the bathroom... and I'm all out of Chia Pets.... Damn... that's gonna leave a stain."
Sister Mary Discipline stood up from the peep hole in the box, arching her back to get the cricks and kinks out. She tiptoed over to the tape recorder playing the sounds of pacing footsteps and whacking rulers.
Speaking of whacking, she picked up her trademarked steel ruler and whacked the messenger boy who had just delivered her a french-fried cheese-stick. He ran off without waiting for a tip. She then sank her teeth into the fat-laden snack.
The cheese stick then grew to the size of a jumbo-jet and ate her. It then released the author that was in the box. After doing this heroic deed it flew off to save the universe from the evil forces of Cheesyism.
Yes, that old cult was up to their old tricks once more! Only now they were dressed up like video game characters in an attempt to corrupt the youth of the universe.
But before the cult could get started, a fat kid dressed up as Pac-Man pointed up to the sky and yelled, "Look! Up in the sky! It's a bread-stick... No! It's a cheese-stick... It's... my long-lost father?"
As the cheese-stick and his pudgy son embraced, an extremely hairy woman ran across the room and tripped over an electrical cord, pulling the plug from its socket.
That power cord was the power supply to the universe. Now that the Universe was unplugged, all the stars stopped shining, cutting short the careers of all astronomers.
Not to fear, a new beginning came. The Second Universe dawned with magnificent breathtaking music. This music was Vanilla Ice singing his trademark hit, "Ice Ice Baby." A seal frolicking on a pristine new beach stopped to listen and collaborate.
But unfortunately for us, just then the nine year old future Darth Vader happened upon the scene. Very irritated he blurted out, "Friggin' Yoda! I'll fix his little green wagon!"
But before he could do a thing, Buffy the Vampire Slayer appeared pointing a stake at Darth Vader's heart. She looked more than a little confused and said, "Ah, but what if I DO guess your name right, Rumplestiltskin?"
"Drat and blast!" said the young Darth Vader. This was really an odd thing for a nine-year-old to say. Then he said, "Okay, since you guessed my real name you get one wish. Make it a good one."
So Buffy wished for all the grubworms money couldn't buy. Everyone knows that Buffy's true love is fishing and that she hates trying to collect all that bait. And so, with her army of grubworms in tow, she tossed her stake aside.
The stake poked out the giant cheese stick's eye. It began to cry and blubber like a big cheesy baby. Buffy's mother came from out of nowhere and began hollering, "I told you you would poke an eye out with that thing!"
Buffy looked at her worms and said, "Take care of her, would you boys? I know you're only all the grubworms money COULDN'T buy, but hell, eat her anyways." The grubs seemed a bit confused but started over toward Buffy's mom anyway.
Before they could take even a single bite, Burt Reynolds appeared and tossed his toupee on top of the grubworms. They quickly suffocated under the artificial hair. Buffy's mom turned to Burt and said, "Thank you so much Bert! But don't expect any sex, because my Rubik's Cube needs spring cleaning and it exists in every dimension simultaneously. So I MUST fly."
She then boarded a broom created by the famous broom-maker Gustav Finkleheimer. It was a cunning device and well made. This broom had many special features such as cruise control, dual airbags, a CD player with surround sound, and a whipped-cream cannon!
This broom had everything! It even had a cherry stick-shift and a whole lot of things only a true gear-head could appreciate. Unfortunately, it also had a defect. Every time someone got on the broom, it screamed and changed into a very angry two-toed sloth named Terry.
It was very difficult for Terry the Two-Toed Sloth to catch anyone to vent his anger on. But one day he did catch up with President Clinton. He was able to vent his anger by chopping off the President's tie tack. This was really a shame because it was such a nice tie-tack. This tie tack even had its own strawberries and cream dispenser.
One day, the dispenser began malfunctioning. Instead of dispensing strawberries and cream, it started making the most beautiful ice sculptures humanity has ever seen. One in particular, entitled "Frolicking Frogs Frantically Fibbing," was entered into the Reykjavik Annual Ice Sculpture Competition. It won first prize.
However, one man known only as Skaj became enraged because this sculpture had been created by a tie tack. So he grabbed a nearby flamethrower and melted both the ice sculpture and the tie tack into unrecognizable puddles of water and molten metal respectively.
Skaj was so amused by his act of violence that he failed to notice he was standing the magically shrunken Spice Girls. They then proceeded to karate chop him until he was turned into a thick paste-like substance.
Marlon Brando, who happened to be walking by, mistook the paste for a cheese spread. So he put it on some crackers and ate it. This paste had the strange effect of making him turn into a Spice Girl. This would not do, he/she said to him/herself. So he/she decided to stop being a Spice Girl. The Spice Girl turned him/herself instead into Raffi. Unfortunately, the legs and breasts of the Spice Girl remained. This is at least better than the legs and breasts of a fried chicken. So Raffi grabbed his banjo and bought a one-way ticket to the Mos Eisley Cantina.
Upon arriving, Raffi had the terrible misfortune of running into Elvis Presley. Elvis had heard that there was a ship around which made the Kestle run in less than twelve Parsecs. (Or something like that. E.P. ain't too good with fine details and numbers.) Good fortune was on Elvis's side because he had just been wondering where he could find some fried chicken fast.
But when he saw Raffi, he quite literally burst a gut laughing! But that was okay because Elvis had spare guts to spare. However, Raffi didn't like having guts all over himself. So he decided to do something about it. Something like punching Elvis right in the nose.
This caused quite a stir in the cantina. It instigated a full fledged knock-down drag-out riot. When the dust finally settled, there stood Mickey Mouse in the middle of an empty floor.
And what a floor it was! It had been nailed together using nails from the very FIRST season of Happy Days! And these were no ordinary nails because they were made of a special "Ayyy" alloy, coated in real black leather jackets and hardened with epoxy resin. And the head of each nail really stood out because it was covered with bright red hair. Finally, on the side of each nail were written the words "Eat at Arnold's!"
All of which doesn't mean diddley-squat to anyone following this story, except the Snarfblats of Babadoo Five. They are the real force behind this website and they plan to use the information in this story to send email to everyone on Yahoo! Unfortunately for the Snarfblats, everyone knows to automatically delete email from Babadoo Five.