Until we were so rudely interrupted, we were talking about nails. The nails had been purchased at a rather unusual hardware store called "Cheese." The backroom of this store was the place from which the entire Cheesyism movement had begun!
In that backroom, Brother Canember was writing the best sermon ever devised for a new and kinda funky religion. Suddenly, a strange noise interrupted the musings and powerful writings of this Most High Reverend. He went outside to investigate, only to find a book of matches on the ground. He picked it up and read what was written on the inside cover.
He counted the spilled matches that had fallen on the floor. Then he looked back to the writing. Then back to the number of matches on the floor. "Definitely 200 matches. Definitely 200." he mumbled.
"Cut!" Yelled the director to Dustin Hoffman, who was playing the Reverend in Rainman II: Reverendman. Hoffman gave him a dirty look and said, "What in the nine worlds of liquid staples kind of matches are these that they should just fall out of the book like so many pepperonis on a pizza?"
He threw down his riding crop in disgust and headed for the bathroom. He really had to go. But after that, he felt better so he ran to the Krusty Korner store to pick up a pack of Marlboro lights. When he opened the pack, a genie made of cigarette smoke drifted out.
"Greetings, smoker!" coughed the Nicotine Genie. "I will grant you one wish, but choose carefully or you will be sorry."
Dustin lit a cigarette and thought hard and long. Since he was a multimillionaire, there wasn't much he did not have. While he was pondering the question, he suddenly had a coughing fit.
"COUGH! COUGH! ARGH! HACK! COUGH! HACK! JESUS! ARGH!"
This normally would not have been a problem, but this particular genie happened to be fluent in whatever friggin' language it was that Dustin had just spoken in. Unfortunately for this Most High Reverend, what he thought was merely a coughing fit was, in fact, the most amazing and unprecedented of wishes ever made! And it had been spoken in the Nicotine Genie's own language! The genie had never heard such a request before. This man standing before him had just wished for a coffee-drinking hack-writer named Jesus.
Dustin was amazed when Jesus walked on the surface of a swimming-pool without falling in!
Jesus then pulled Dustin up to the top of Mount Sinai, where together they yodeled at the top of their lungs, "Yodeleheehooooooooooo!"
This went on for some time, until suddenly, as if from nowhere, came a burning George W. Bush. And a voice came from out of him which said, "I'M ON FIRE! I'M ON FIRE!" Luckily for him it was all just an election stunt and he had actually been singing the song, "C'mon Littlebaby Ishegood Toyou Didhego Andleaveyou Allalone Ohohoh I'monfire."
A troupe of itinerant volunteer firemen just happened to be in the vicinity and heard the cry of fire. They responded by stomping on George's head with golf-cleated footsies. Where these woebegone firefighters had picked up these awful shoes was a mystery.
A Mystery that was about to be solved by Inspector Clouseau, who stroked his mustache and said in a very serious voice, "Oomph! Ow! Sheet!" as he stumbled over a clue.
"Jinkies," said Velma.
Clouseau looked over at the orange turtlenecked teenager and said, "Why don't you go find a grown man in a funny costume and leave the real mysteries to the professionals, little girl?"
Velma replied, "Scooby! Kill!"
But Clouseau had a trick of his own. "Cujo! Protect me!" he shouted. But due to his thick accent it sounded like, "Cujo! ***Microsoft Censor 4.0*** (expletive deleted) me!"
Just then, Velma realized that no matter where she went it was always night and foggy. She then realized that this was just like the movie "Dark City," which revealed that Hanna and Barbara were in fact psychic plagerists.
With this information, Velma went off to commit ritual suicide. In grand Hanna-Barbara style, she removed from her purse a large pair of sunglasses that had a nose and mustache on them. She then turned around three times, clicked her heels together, touched her toes and melodramatically announced, "Shaggy! Before I die, I want to find out where you got that name." Then with a bizarre English accent, she added, "Shaggy, baby, yeah!"
This completed the spell of "Summoning Horrible English Actors," one of which promptly appeared behind her and it began to assault her before she could even let go of her toes.
The last thing Velma heard as she died at the hands of this villain was the latest Backstreet Boys hit. Their boy-band goodness so upset her attacker that he reached behind a slender cartoon tree and pulled out a large drunken cow named Bessy.
Surprisingly, the cow said, "The... violation of the quantum-mechanical *burp!* 'scuse me! ... reticulum is best evidenced by the inevitable coagulation of all matter into one sticky mass known as Hairballus Giganticus ."
The class clown at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "Did she say 'Rectum'?"
"Yes, I'm afraid she did." replied the Man from Uncle Ben's, "And because you heard it, you and the cow are going to have to dance the Lambada, the forbidden dance of love!"
And so the two began to dance. Over the din of the cow's hooves clicking on the floor came the distinct sound of the incredible yet quite unwarmable music of Ice Cube, Ice T, and Vanilla Ice! (Okay, so they're NOT so incredible.)
But that was okay because outside in the dark waited the Blair Witch. Grabbing the trio of rappers by their earlobes, she intoned, "We're going to Disneyworld!" This did not thrill the two real gangstas, and Vanilla Ice was crying like a 2-year-old.
"You petulant little wretch!", hollered the witch. Then she drew forth a switch so she could beat the dickens out of the little twerp. This was of course a witch switch. So this made the Blair Witch a switch witch bitch with an itch in her niche!
Everyone who had survived up to his point grabbed their heads and screamed at the Dr. Suess-esqe witch.