Before our readers were dragged away from their computers, they were allowed to generously donate them to the northeast wing of a mental hospital located near Quotation Mark, Pennsylvania.
That mental hospital was the temporary home of noted celebrity spokesperson, Elle McPhereson. She was staying there because her heart had been broken by Hippity Dippity. This hot new gangsta rapper left her for a jumbo jet named Desire. Later it was learned that Desire was not a jumbo jet at all. It was, in fact, a streetcar that had a messianic complex. Desire also had a strange knack for building miniature banjos.
These banjos had become almost sacred to the forgotten cult of the God of Government Cheese. The Great Cheese Wheel soon grew jealous and said, "Thou must bring me the earwax sepulchre of Snalvin the Flatulent, so that I may partake of it. I must get revenge on everyone who laughed at my pathetically small nose."
Now, high on the hill of Gas-x, Snalvin the Flatulent sat high upon his throne. He was aware of the Great Cheese Wheel's plotting against him. So he summoned his most trusted servant, a light and airy fellow named Nimrod the Robust. Snalvin told him to "Go forth, and see that all frogs are shaven. I want to use the hair thereof to weave myself the finest nose-warmer."
With that, the young man was off and running. He had just begun on this endeavor when he was stopped by a gang of hoodlum glue-makers. They promptly held him down, clipped his toenails and then forced him to buy back his own toenails. They cost him the outrageous sum of five oxen and a squishy pile of giraffe snot.
Obviously, the glue makers were up to no good. Just then, Epoxy, the sacred Lord of the glue makers, returned from exile. It had been imposed upon him by his arch-rival, Sticky Gum. Epoxy brought with him an incredibly rare and glittery staple-gun. He used a staple from it to clean under his fingernails.
It was about this time that his mother found out what he was planning and spanked his gluey butt off! So Epoxy, the banished Lord of Glue, lost track of the storyline.
The poor confused little storyline didn't know where to turn. It was lost in the wild, wild woods. It had no idea that at this very moment the storyline would be offered a multi-billion dollar movie-contract from Hollywood. This was the place where the worse the storyline and plot is, the more people went to see the movie.
But the poor little storyline was afraid and needed more courage. So it looked up it's old friends, James R. Bean and his buddy Jack Daniels. This pair was famous for inspiring courage where none existed. They were also credited with several of the most spectacular crashes ever recorded on Mars during a sandstorm.
It has been determined that Martian dust is composed mostly of the powder found in Pixie Stix candy. The remainder of Martian dust has been found to be composed of absolutely nothing!
This has caused NASA to launch a multi-trillion dollar series of new exploration vehicles to the Red planet in order to collect this amazingly insignificant nothingness. This came in the wake of NASA being beaten to the punch by the Russians when nothing was discovered on the Moon.
NASA spokeswoman Hilarious Clinton said, "We won't be caught with our pants down again by the Ruskies!" Why they let her be a spokeswoman for NASA is yet to be understood. It is thought that it had something to do with her being very close to Clinton. Now, many think it was due mostly to nothing important. In fact, those in the know suspect that most of American society has been unduly influenced by the amount of nothing infiltrating the minds of its citizenry.
"Return to nothing and that is what you will receive," screamed the priests of Cheesyism, that nearly forgotten religion of the bygone past. But Cheesyism was gaining in popularity once more because of the charismatic leadership of PreBishop Laslo Curd.
These champions of lactic morality were making a popular comeback among the youth of America. The youth had become disillusioned with the faltering morals of modern life. They wanted enlightenment and knowledge of the whey, so they prayed to the God of Cheese for a sign.
At one service, the High Priest of Cheesyism stood up, pointed to the skies, and cried out to all of his devoted followers, "Look! At last! The Cheese God has given us a sign!" All the priests raised their hands to the heavens in thanks and lifted their eyes to the sky.
In wonder they gazed at the flaring Sun and many were blinded by doing so. Amidst the screams of, "Help me! Help me! I'm blind!" the High Priest continued speaking. "This is a sign that Cheese causes blindness. Yes, I understand now!" cried the High Priest, "It is the cheese! It has been contaminated by the anti-cheese God. This is just the Big Cheese Wheel's way of telling us this truth. We must hunt down the anti-cheese God, whose foul name is "Anti-Cheese."
We all need to come up with a mighty plan to overpower the Anti-Cheese. Your very next move should be to visit the Celestial Order of Cheese. There, the High Priest of Cheesyism will anoint you with heaps of soggy bacon bits. This well-known ancient formula is rumored to cure cancer and increase the shelf life of Tostitos. And when combined with chamomile tea and rock salt, this formula has a nasty little effect on teenage boys, causing them to run around in the rain wearing leather Boy-Scout uniforms and singing "Wheel in the Sky."
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Mayonnaise Joe and his sidekick, the Crayola Kid, were getting the horses together to go after the Yankee Candle Gang who had just robbed a bank. The whole bank! Bricks, foundation and all!
It was then that Miss Loulabelle Frankenfurter (don't you hurt her) ran over to Mayonnaise Joe and said, "You're a hotdog!" At this, they all started to do the Time Warp (again and again).