"Giant penguins have attacked New York City. Mayor Guliani ordered a militia of arctic Eskimos from the North Pole to search out and destroy anything minutely resembling a penguin."
"In an unrelated story, hundreds of men in tuxedos at a dinner party were killed by men impersonating Eskimos. The victims apparently were hacked to death with fishing-spears. No news yet as to what that is all about. Now back to you, Bill."
Bill smiled and laughed. "Thank you, Diane, sounds like you've been in the sauce again. Ha ha ha ha ha! On a more serious note, I seem not to be wearing any pants."
"That's ok, Bill, but if I've been on the sauce, then you left your pants at MY house last night. Oops, sorry Mrs. Bill. Now lets take a look at our weather with meteorologist Dr. Neil Frank."
"Well, these green spots on the weather map mean we'll be getting some green clouds. The brown spots are tea-storms and the purple spots are where I spilled my grape drink. There's a 60% chance it will rain cats and dogs, a 40% chance it will rain frogs and hamsters, and a 20% chance it will rain tapioca pudding."
"There's also a 1% chance of the giant Dennis Rodman's extended bladder bursting, producing a deluge of golden showers over most of Southern California. This in turn could cause the entire state to tilt over and slide into the ocean. So be sure to wear your galoshes!"
"We'll be right back after this commercial break."
Fade to black.
Fade in on a gigantically huge bearded man standing around angry.
"Hello, I'm God. You may remember me from some of my books, most notably the Bible, the Qu'ran, and Clog Dancing For Dummies. I've been away for the past few millenia on holiday but now I'm back and I'm pissed off. Look for me on both the Tonight Show AND David Letterman at the same time tonight, which I can do because I'm God and all. I've got a lot to say and if you want to get back in my good graces before then, start by petitioning to get Regis Philbin off of the air. Thank you."
God's Mother walked in then and said, "God, what the HELL are you doing?"
"Sorry Mommy, I was just trying to have a little fun with the World." God began to cry.
"You have gone too far this time. All your pranks HAVE to stop. First Florence Henderson, then Richard Simmons, then Martha Stewart, and now THIS! You can't keep messing with people's TV's!" yelled God's mother.
All of a sudden God's Father, Satan, walked in and said, "What's for dinner?"
"Blood and body of Christ," said God's mother.
At this point, someone changed the channel.
"That was a rerun! I've seen it before!" screamed Mrs. Lardbottom at the top of her lungs.
"It was a commercial! Of course you've seen it before!" screamed Mrs. Bollweevil at the top of her lungs.
The ladies' attention then focused back on the TV screen where their favorite soap opera hunk was undressing before their very eyes. Mrs. Lardbottom was rubbing the belly of a Buddha statue, imagining that Mr. Bulging-Basket would appear in her living room at any second. Mrs. Bollweevil was rubbing two large cotton-balls together imagining that Mr. Bulging-Basket was already in the room with them.
Then Miss Ravenous came into view on the TV screen and burst out of it, sending shards of glass flying everywhere. "Ut! I is Meees Ravenous!" she screamed. She was looking for kittens to eat and her hungry eyes fell upon the family's pet sugar-glider. She had never seen one before but she was quite sure it was edible.
She produced a strange crystal thingy from her pocket that put everyone into a deep trance. She picked up the sugar-glider and was about to eat it whole. But suddenly, a derailed train came right through the wall and killed her.
The headlines read, "WOMAN KILLED TO DEATH IN FATAL ACCIDENT"