A man in Peoria Illinois read the headline and said, "Great Googly Moogly! This can only mean one thing! The only one who can help us now is Big Jim Slade!"
Suddenly an enormous black man wearing a tiny pair of red Speedos burst from the wall like a demented Kool-Aid man! Yes, it was Big Jim Slade, a former NFL fullback with an eye for trouble! Behind him a squad of cheerleaders came through the big Big-Jim-Slade shaped hole he had made in the wall.
Big Jim struck his best pose, and flashbulbs popped. The cheerleaders went wild. Big Jim said in his most heroic voice:"A little rabbit,
a baby bunny rabbit,
hops along the path."
"It's a haiku. I've become a poet. It suits me better, don't you think?" With that he fluttered his eyelashes and skipped away like a little school girl.
The cheerleaders gasped. Their hunky hero had let them down, again. The first time he let them down had been that incident in San Antonio where he had been caught in a hotel room with a transvestite hooker from France. All he had said when they caught him was, "Charlie Sheen made me do it."
The cheerleaders cried so hard that their tears caused the room to flood. Everything started to float including all the little pom-poms.
Suddenly, as if by accident, a train crashed into the house. Fortunately, Big Jim had heard it coming and had skipped out the front door. After barely escaping he said:
"Two trains in two days,
neither train is on a track,
not an accident!"
He grabbed onto the speeding train and climbed up to its roof, where he crawled laboriously from car to car, making his way towards the engine. He then carefully leaned down over the side of the engine and looked into the window.
Big Jim gasped, and suddenly wished he had brought his stuffed bunny along, for in the engineer's seat, slumped over the controls, was a giant blue Smurf with a hat that looked like it had been stolen from one of the Seven Dwarves. Clenched in its hands was a bottle labelled "LEGION."
And the Legions of Hell would issue forth every time the bottle was opened. It was The Ark of the Covenant in glass, the ultimate Pandora's Box of terror in bottle form. And the Smurf had opened it.
All Big Jim could do was remove the bottle from the recumbent Smurf and pray that the Peacekeeper would come along soon to stop the Legions of Hell from eating the passengers.
And who or what exactly is the "Peacekeeper"? Many have asked this question and many have tried to answer it. Some scholars assert that the Peacekeeper is a physical manifestation of the collective memory. Others insist that it is a random fluctuation of the time-space continuum. Pythagoras explained it as the fourth corner of a triangle. Homer described it as "A big furry thing on wheels."
Carvings on a petrified slice of pizza from ancient Mesopotamia have been translated as saying, "Study this document well because within its construction lies the secret as to who the Peacekeeper is within any moment of time."
After 30 years of studying this petrified pizza slice, Professor What Smy Name at the University of Wiseconsciouness has revealed to the entire world how the identity of the Peacekeeper can be known.
According to this Professor, the key to unlocking the meaning of this petrigraph came to him when he answered the following question: "What is the one element of a pizza that holds the whole structure together?" The revelation that came to him was that cheese held the entire pizza together.
So he declared that the Cheeseheads denomination of the Univeral Church founded in Wiseconsciousness was the current home of the Peacekeeper. All members of this denomination wear slices of cheese on top of their heads to show the faith they have in the Peacekeeper.
The Peacekeeper, on the other hand, wears an entire block of cheese on top of his head. This indicates the high office he holds and the power he held in overcoming everything. The most recent reports have revealed the Peacekeeper to be Dudley DoRight.