Mercury did not slow, for he was on a mission from Odin himself. He had to deliver an important message to the other gods. The message was that the gods were at war because Loki had borrowed Odin's Beastie Boys CD and never returned it.
It would not be easy to take back the CD, for Loki had allied himself with Shiva and Set, as well as the Beastie Boys themselves.
All that Loki needed now was a dead rat and a string to swing it with, in order to feed the Beastie Boys from a safe distance, for the Beastie Boys had done way too much headbanging in their lives to be mere mortals any more. When the blood lust came upon them at any given moment, they had to be led to their food and soundly beaten with the Unwarmable Rat Tickling Device.
Unfortunately for Loki, Hugin and Munin had stolen this impossible-to-visualize device and had taken it to Odin. Odin, being blind, was the only diety capable of making the artifact perform its legendary magic power of being able to take the green out of Dennis Rodman's hair.
The next morning, Dennis Rodman looked in the mirror and screamed. Suspecting the Beastie Boys, he sought after them.
When he found them, they were in the middle of playing patty-cake in elbow-length black velvet gloves. "Oh goody! Can I play too?" asked Dennis.
"Not unless you've got some gloves," they replied. Dennis did not have any, so he decided to steal a pair of gloves from the brother of the dead rat.
The dead rat was sick and tired of being swung around. So his brother, who was very much alive, took it upon himself to commit the obligatory, "You da guy dat killed my brudder!" revenge scene.
But before that could happen, wouldn't you know it, Hercules Poirot, the world's second most famous Belgian, stepped into the drawing room. He twirled his moustache and announced, "Non, mon ami. You are quite wrong. I have used my little grey cells and I have deduced that your brother's murderer was actually a small snapping-turtle from Bermuda. Sorry, he got out of his cage again."
Everyone in the room looked at the most famous Belgian detective as green sprouts began to pop out over all of his body. For you see, someone had sent him a Chia Pet for Christmas and he had been too busy to read the instructions. So Inspector Poirot had mistakenly eaten the Chia seeds and they were turning him into a human Chia Pet!
Just as he was beginning to realize what had happened to him, Chia Poirot was eaten by Mr. French, a large (I mean REALLY large) black cat. This black cat lived in the drawing room. And Mr. French knew these were no ordinary Chia seeds. He knew that they were NEW KatNip Chia Seeds put on the market by the WrongCo.
No sooner had Mr. French gobbled down Chia Poirot, than Mr. Mustard came into the room to see what all of the fuss was about. He was carrying a candlestick with him just in case he needed it for protection. He had heard some rumors that his late uncle, Colonel Mustard, had met his end at the end of a candlestick wielded by a pair of one-legged twins working for the King of Bohemia.
In order to prevent Mr Mustard from discovering the truth about the Colonel's death, the King of Bohemia decided to enlist the aid of Mrs Plum, who had just finished eating her last piece of apple pie. She waddled into the room carrying her fork so that she could wave it about and get everyone's attention. She had to get as many facts about what had just happened as possible, so she could determine whether there was any danger of the King's secret being revealed.
As she opened her mouth to say something, in walked the gossipy parrot that was mentioned earlier in this story. The parrot immediately divulged the king's secret. Then it said, in a voice that sounded exactly like Martha Stewart, "The Cult of the Cheesyism shall rise once more because it is a PERFECT religion!"
Everyone went quite pale at this news, because it meant that the Cult of Cheesyism and its great messiah, Cheesus, had found their way back into our world. But who could have released such evil into our world once again? Why, none other than Mr. Wibblepuss.