Midnight Dan didn't have any friends. He was an out-of-work wretch by day. But by night, something miraculous would take place. At exactly midnight every night, Midnight Dan would go into the bathroom and close the door behind him. And at exactly 12:05, the bathroom door would open, and out would walk Midnight Danielle, the most popular girl in town.
Every night, she'd invite the guys over to watch ESPN2. She'd bake hot salsa nachos with Government Cheese and walk back and forth in front of the TV in her shortest skirt. (But she still scratched herself like one of the guys.) But when the football game, NASCAR racing, flyfishing or whatever was over, she'd go back into the bathroom and Midnight Dan would come out.
This all worked fine until one day nobody came out of the bathroom. After waiting for nearly an hour, the guys went into the bathroom to look for Midnight Dan(ielle). S/he wasn't there. Instead they found the Tidy Bowl Man, cruising around and around the bowl in his tiny tugboat. "It's about time you louts came in here!" he yelled up to them. "He... I mean, she... disappeared down the drain." He pointed over the side of his boat at the swirling water.
There, at the very bottom of the porcelain bowl, in the very deepest, darkest depths (well, okay, so it's not that deep) was a glimmering portal to another world! Since they were brave and daring souls, they jumped right into the potty.
After they overcame the initial smell of passion fruit and booze, they were amazed by the new world they found themselves in. Around every corner, daffodils and tira misu played in a valiant effort to get along with the sandwiches of every kind that were being sold in bulk to anyone who wanted one.
But in a flash of pure ecstacy, they soon came across Bert and Ernie, the two flunky street musicians from the failed show "Sesame Street." The pair were buying a bag of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches from a peculiar-looking merchant who was wearing a fur made from a snuffaluffagus.
The merchant also offered for sale some magic beans, which Ernie traded in one of his sandwiches for. When Bert saw what Ernie had done, he performed the ever-painful "Chop off the other guy's hand with a chainsaw and shove the hand down his throat until he chokes to death on it" wrestling maneuver!
This had the curious effect of causing Ernie to drop his beans. When the beans hit the ground, they immediately sprouted into a gigantic green cow. This cow would soon become famous as the first cow to be mistaken for the MOOn, which by then had become known as the Big Green Ball of Cheese.
The Big Green Cow was mistaken for the MOOn by Wolfboy, who had begun to howl mournfully at what he thought was the MOOn. Now a little bit of howling was not enough alone to make the Big Green Cow famous, but this mistake began a complicated series of events that would eventually lead to the cow's fame.It all started because the howl scared Midnight Danielle and this caused her to suddenly revert back to Midnight Dan, still wearing the short skirt and still stuck in the toilet bowl. In fear of soiling his beautiful new miniskirt, he began to tap on the toilet pipes in morse code. He was attempting to tap out "S.O.S." But since he had never learned morse code, he actually tapped out "S.O.L."
Now it just so happened that a guy by the name of Sol was sitting on the toilet at precisely that moment. Needless to say, Sol was scared out of his wits! But before he could pull up his pants and flee from the toilet-demon, the door of the bathroom suddenly exploded off its hinges!
And who should step into the room? Why, none other than (take a deep breath) the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir! They walked right past Sol and straight into the shower. Once they had all squeezed into the shower, they began singing the Halleluia Chorus. Within the grand acoustics of the shower, their mighty reverberating voices became such an awe-inspiring sound that Sol immediately became a Christian and was baptised with toilet-water, for he had fallen in.
After the rehearsal, Sol donned some new white robes he had borrowed from one of the chorus members, for he wanted to become an acolyte. He spoke with the entire chorus and they agreed to take him back with them to the main church. As he neared their car, though, he realized that it was actually the Oscar-Myer-Weiner-Mobile and this entire sequence of events was all a diabolical plot to force someone to...
"HOWLL!!" Suddenly, Wolfboy howls, drowning out the narrator's voice as the narrator admits that some followers of Cheesyism known as the Cheeseheads had purchased the Oscar Myer Corporation. This group wanted stuff the hot dogs with Government Cheese. Having the power to influence the minds and decisions of young people was a very important goal to this group of Cheeseheads.
Is there anyone in this dream that is not out to promote their own beliefs or personal agenda? If there is, would someone please bring this person to our attention, so our dream story can seem more like a real-life dream?
There has been a rumor floating around that on the forgotten world of Bemusia, somewhere in the Sea of Sorrows, on the Isle of Hope, deep within the Disenchanted Forest, on the Mountain of Despair, there lives a withered old creature with no self-interest at all. The next Geraldo Rivera special will be broadcast live from Bemusia as Geraldo attempts to find out if the rumor is true.