Evenings spent with friends always seem over practically before they begin, but work is like eternal damnation. In fact, if you were paid for how long it felt like you were at work you would be a millionaire by now! However, there is a secret way to marry the excitement of times with your friends and the mundaness of work.
Three simple words will forever change your life for both the good and the bad: Secret Office Romance (No big surprise here, seeing as that’s the title of the article). The following will teach you the 10 easy steps of how to start, engage in, and end your very own secret office romance. If you feel ready to take on the awesome responsibility of such a relationship and want to get some nookie in the copy room you may proceed with the first step.
Step 1: Find your mark
The first and most important step to conducting a Secret Office Romance is finding someone to engage in it with. However, if you choose to engage in one by yourself, please don’t write us with tales of how you never have turned yourself down! Many companies are too big to get to know everyone by walking around talking with people in an attempt to shirk your work obligations. There are a few places that all workers do eventually congregate at least a few times a week; many you may never have even met before.
1. The cafeteria
2. The break room (If each floor has a different one, feel free to visit all of them)
3. Vending Machines (Avoid marks with a sweet tooth, they will eventually get fat)
4. The Smoking Area (Just like in high school all the smokers are corralled into one small area to share their addiction to nicotine. Many attractive people smoke in order to keep their weight down, these people are known as keepers.)
5. Bathrooms (Each floor has a few and Mother Nature eventually calls each of us. If you frequent different bathrooms you may see people coming out of the opposite sex bathroom you never met before. Just don’t shake their hand.)
The most important thing to remember is not to be creepy. Avoid skulking about these areas and staring at people you do not know. This will prevent you from engaging in a secret office romance and may get you slapped with a sexual harassment suit. Always look relaxed as if you fit in, like Michael Jackson in an elementary school. Now that you know how to find your mark you may move on to step 2.
Step 2: Learning about your Mark
After a few days of searching the office you have finally found someone you feel may be a suitable partner for a secret office romance. While you may feel the need to immediately begin talking to or hitting on them, there are 3 necessary questions you must address. Failure to engage in the necessary grunt work will relieve me of any responsibility for the negative repercussions that may occur.
The three factors you must consider are:
1. Are they single?
2. Are they crazy? (If you break up will they make like John Cusak and bring a radio to work playing songs to win you back? Believe it or not, management frowns when things like this take place.)
3. Are they interested in you?
If the answers to these questions are: Yes, No, and Yes respectively, then you are starting off on the right foot! Now some of you out there may be wondering what if I don’t know that much about them, should I fly blind and make a move regardless? The simple answer to that question is a resounding NO!
The benefit of having many co-workers (in addition to being able to shuffle off work onto other people) is that each one knows a little bit about everything. Now it’s your turn to act like one of those scientists on CSI and put the pieces of information together. Upon discovering the answers to all your questions, you should evaluate the situation.
A crazy person can make work worse then your last company meeting, if that’s possible. If by chance you do err, at least ensure the mark is attractive enough to garner respect from your co-workers by having a stunning stalker (Most people are in awe of ordinary people with beautiful stalkers, I know it sounds strange but you can’t argue with science). Now that you have fully evaluated the situation, you are ready to move on to step 3, coming soon!