While humans serve such a great purpose in life, upon passing away the human body seems to become more of a burden than a blessing. What percentage of usable land is being wasted as graveyards? There are many people who are now unfairly forced to wait until mid-afternoon for their tee times because of all that locked up, potentially usable space! Well, you must be thinking there is always cremation, right? While this is another viable choice for our corporeal remains, how often do relatives simply dispose of the ashes? It is more likely that your final resting place will be some lilac covered urn on the fireplace. What a terrible burden on a family. How long can one keep a lilac urn before it goes out of style? Be assured it would be the first thing to go if Trading Spaces ever invaded your living room. Of course, you could always choose to be cryogenically frozen as a third option. This allows you the opportunity to one day be revived from your slumber to awake to a planet of apes, where you can be the first human to utter such memorable catchphrases as “you damned dirty apes” ala Charlton Heston. That sounds appealing, doesn’t it? I even have heard Calvin Klein will be featuring loincloth in his new spring line, so you may want to stock up now. In reality, it seems there are no options available that would allow human remains to serve a meaningful purpose.
You can wipe the sweat from your brow. The worrying can finally abate. After exhaustive research I have found a way not only to serve a purpose in the afterlife, but also to be served on in the afterlife. The mist of confusion can now be lifted as I reveal the method I have found: turning human ashes into pottery. I’m not referring to simple pottery either, you can choose from plates, vases, pitchers, etc. It is truly a cornucopia of choices of how to spend the rest of eternity. Christmas dinners will never be the same as little Billy asks mom to pass the mashed potatoes on Uncle Frank or the ham on Aunt Betty. No table would ever be complete without a lovely floral arrangement contained nicely within the vase made with the remains of Grandpa. The whole family can finally fit at one table after all these years!
Just delving into the realm of seriousness for a minute, I wonder how this idea came about. I do know sand is used to make glass but using ashes for dishes seems a bit out of whack. I remember when a Blockbuster Video opened on the site of a former funeral home. It took me five years before I was willing to enter the store. I could never imagine eating off the remains of a relative. My sister does not allow my nephews to eat anything off the floor (including the five second rule); how could she ever justify eating off a former living creature? People do shower a lot, but humans are not clean enough to eat off, unless you are doing Tequila Shots and need some salt!
While the idea seems disturbing, is it any worse than freezing a body like a giant TV dinner to defrost in the future? Ignoring the spiritual ramifications of this new method, think of the wonderful marketing campaigns that will be reaching you very soon. One strategy can be to target those who do not have an inheritance to leave their children. We can convince these individuals that aside from money, nothing is better than fine china (and no, you do not have to be Chinese to be turned into fine china). When you have guests over, now you will have enough place settings for the entire neighborhood. Thanks, Mom and Dad! How about those larger individuals who would otherwise need a wider than normal casket? They may be able to provide you with up to six full settings, saucers and coffee cups included! What better feeling than reading your parents will and discovering you can throw away all those old chipped plates? This gives a whole new meaning to having your parents move in with you, doesn’t it? So Grandma and Grandpa choose your patterns now because for the next twenty years dinner is on you!