death
whatever
A writer wanted to write a tale.
But the writer had to live that tale first
before any writing could be done.
The tale consisted of a path.
The path consisted of a variety of
grounds and conditions, and an unknown
number of obstacles, in a series with no
particular logic. At the end of the path,
the writer knew, there would be a garden.
Where fruit trees bore offerings to creation.
Where clear water flowed over rocks
unmoved in centuries.
Where giant ancient trees housed noble spirits.
Where, perhaps, happiness could be found
each day, and labour was generously rewarded.
To get to this place, the writer must first guide
the protagonist of the tale through
struggles, gambles, defeats, victories,
the range of emotions and all necessary
preparations for what is to come.
But WHAT is that?
The writer thought that the tests
and exercises were meant to take the protagonist
to the place where the lessons learnt
would then be applied, for the good of all.
Was it not that type of journey, perhaps?
Perhaps the journey had no end.
Perhaps the garden only opened up to a new path.
Unlike but alike the previous one.
What then? Can there be any resolution?
Can there be any point to a build-up
and a climax? When all that awaits
the protagonist is more struggle.
More defeats and victories.
More uncertainty.
What sense is there to the search
for happiness? When happiness is
but another gate unto another path.
Another series of obstacles.
Another game where one could come out
winner or loser.
Why?
The writer guessed that these questions were only
relevant in that they were the first stages
of the journey. The stage that comes
before decision. And the stages that come after doubt.
That writer thought that there was a choice
that had to be made. To either live the tale
or create it in some other form so that
it could be told, shared in that way.
The writer wanted to do both.
A supreme court ruling
gave us a clue
that all was not well.
So we ran.
So we held unto
the torch
that burns through many.
And we fired unto the promised land.
Freehold land.
Crown land.
Our land.
What is the difference?
A legal title
on my soul.
A room, bare except for a table, a small fridge and a video camera set up ready to record. A man enters wiping his face and hands with a towel, bracing himself. He removes a handgun from a hidden holster in his lower back and places it on the table. He removes a small plastic bag from his pocket, a credit card and a cash note from another pocket. He takes out some white powder from the bag, spills it on the surface of the table and forms it into a line with the credit card. He rolls the note tight, puts it in one nostril and leans down to take a clean, swift snort. For a moment he is still, then he gets up from the table, looks into the eyepiece of the camera, adjusts the zoom a fraction, then walks over to the fridge to take out a bottle of vodka from the freezer and a glass from the top of the fridge. He goes back to the table, on the way he switches the video camera on record, its red light comes on to confirm its business. He sits back in his chair, pours a drink and snaps it down clean and neat. He stares into the camera.
Or at least I have been.
To divide, To destroy from within. To bore my way in. To put myself in positions of influence and confidence. And then play the game according to our rules.
We're the good guys, you see. And they are scum.
Fuckin' animals.
Destroy from within.
You know how sometimes you make out to do something and then you realize you're being done.
It's like when you take something on, mission, priesthood or career or shit like that, you notice that what you've taken on... is taking you on. What you were working with is actually working with...
You set out to destroy something and then one day you realize it's destroying you.
From within. Destroy from within.
Hey. I'm out. No more. Sick of this shit.
You know how you get yourself to believe... that today is actually tomorrow. Today is shit, pure fuckin' shit. So it's tomorrow. It's not today at all. It's tomorrow.
Just tricks. Tricks of the mind.
Inside. Outside. It happens. Shit happens.
Like cat and dog. Animal eats prey. Gets. Eaten. By predator. It's the same fuckin' thing.
Times when... there was a time when... ideals... IDEALS! Shit. Guide... like guide dogs, eat dog.
First time... like the first time it happens, someone dies in front of you, like it doesn't matter if it was you that whacked them or what... it doesn't matter. You see... a human body.
First time is like you're on a plane and you're looking down on this city, the lights, the cars, the roads, the buildings. And then it clicks, like you've gotta live in this city for a really long time, maybe the rest of your life. In this fuckin' mess of... shit.
And then you land and that's it. All you got is the memory. Of what it was like to look down.
Then there's no escape.
Hey you gotta realize... you gotta realize this is more than a job. This is a curse. Some fuckin' curse that some fuckin' indian laid on my great-great-great-grandmother for taking her land or some shit like that. This is fuckin' revenge.
It's more than any fuckin' job I've ever done.
I am a man with a mission.
He coughs and laughs in a deathly fashion.
I studied my targets. Studied my subjects.
I sit the exam. I pass, no problem. Pass... into... there's no light in that tunnel, man, that's a lie, that light only shines... for those who can afford to pay.
There's nothing cheaper than life.
You watch the commodities on the stock market, up and down, up and down.
The more kills the better. Dirt cheap.
I used to read the papers, you know, after some gig, they'd have pictures, front page...
I love the pictures. Love 'em. One less bad guy. One step closer to the end of the gig.
Why do it? For the money of course... stupid fuckin' question.
The good guys always win.
Sometimes I feel like a... frontier guard. Watching. Guarding over the edges... the edge of civilization. Outside these walls, only animals roam. It's live or die. The strong and the weak.
Example. One example. These dealers, kids, small time, kids, dealers, kids. The bad guys. They're the first to go. When you got too many... too many shareholders in the company, too many little fingers in the pie. BOOF. No lay offs. Just POW! Bye bye birdie. Jungle. Tarzan. Looking after you.
I'm gonna look after me from here on. Me and me only. Sick of it. The wall. The game. Sick. Too much.
Live or die. I wanna live. If not I wanna die.
No more halfway house. In or OUT.
You know how the plane just glides, the buildings and the streets below...
The man has finished talking. Eventually the tape finishes. The camera switches itself off.
There is a pounding at the door. One, two, three, then four. The door bursts open. Four armed men storm in, striking a pose and ready to fire. The man smiles, and puts his hand to his gun to pick it up.
In another apartment, in another building, in another street, a couple sleep. The sound of gunfire, many shots, far away, then silence. The man has woken up, the women is just beginning to wake.
Hmmm.
Just a dream.
Ssssh. Sssssshh. Sssshh. Sssshh. It's OK honey, it's OK. Only a dream.
The woman sleeps. The man's eyes are open, listening, waiting. They close. He sleeps.
.
...
.....
Memory runs away
The candle burns
Grandmother sits by my side
Centre for Policy
Research into war
Recent controversies
.....
...
.
I BELIEVE
I AM A
NEO-HUMANIST
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doing her stuff
and I thought
how could I get you to do that
and then I realized it was you
it was you all along
proud and strong and full of compassion
and passion
I do not know how much more of this I can take
every day every night every day every night every
time like the last time
was the first time
Where do you go?
When the sun goes down?
leave me as if nothing mattered
because I would do the same for you
cry me tears you cry we
coulda been the hottest thing
since supernova
and the big bang theory
you and me
go naked
anytime
in any genre.
I want you
but I cannot have you
I need you
like I need oxygen
I want you
badly
I want you
I like you
let's play
hide and seek
touch the sky
chess or chequers
hop skip and jump
I trust you
a lot
catch me
I am near you
all day long
I am near you
© RJMorelos 1992
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