Demon Region

Home Showtime Slayer Wiccan Vampire Sweet 16 Rules & Stuff

Results:

Round 2

Anya 33, Lorne 27

Evil girl survives to remain in the mix despite a strong challenge from the disciple of the perpetual Seabreeze. Anya is set to meet a certain carpenter in the Demon Region Semi-finals. But Lorne, damn he had it tied up until a few of those phantom, non-comment, late votes came in almost all on the side of his opponent. If I was a paranoid sort... It seems this matchup brought out some strong comments. Continue at your own risk. Okay, maybe they're not that strong; sorry if I scared you.

Anyanka vs. Krevlorneswath of the Deathwok clan. Even in her human state, Anya would beat Lorne. Lorne baby is a lover, not a fighter. Even if he has pipes that can hit notes that can make your ears bleed, Anya has the stones to beat him down. But let's say that this wouldn't be physical fight, even then, Anya would best Lorne. The girl knows her way around words, scathing and blunt in the way only she can be. - deeva

Lorne is getting pumelled, a sole voice from the crowd shouts 'Sing Bright Eyes Lorne, Bright Eyes'. Trouble is if anybody has their mouth open there's a substantial chance that Anya is going to put her foot in it. I can live with that but I did want to see another No. 6 seed make it through, tough break man. - Celebaelin

JBone, you're a sadist. This one is close to impossible. How the hell do I choose? (Oh, all right.) AU scenario: Anya leaves Sunnydale after "Selfless," and winds up behind the mike at Caritas. Lorne hears one chorus of "Bunnies," and is instantly entranced by Anya's 1100-year old bundle of contradictions. ("Only aura I've ever read that had footnotes.") Lorne hires himself as Anya's manager, then her singing partner, and they tour the C&W bars of the netherworld as the demonic George Jones and Tammy Wynette. After breaking box office records in 159 different dimensions, Anya finally grows impatient and asks Lorne if there's anything he'd like to tell her--like his sexual orientaiton. Or his gender. Lorne demurs. "Sorry, lambie pie--gotta keep the mystery." Anya breaks Lorne's butt (that's where his heart is, you know), goes solo and signs to Ani DiFranco's Righteous Babe label. Vengeance is sweet, and the groupies are sweeter. Little Aud, happy at last. (Next: Xander vs. Anya. JBone, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!) - cjl

sorry...im crazy in love with anya...and not a big lorne fan...no contest! - Nino

Hard call, but--I've gotta go with the one who can be meaner, and that's Anya, no contest. Whatever guise she's in, she's just more ruthless than "Give 'em all some love!" of the Deathwok clan. Therefore, Anya wins my vote. - HonorH

Anya wins easy. One look into her soul would leave Lorne FUBAR for the rest of his life. There's only so much a seabreeze can fix, afterall. - Apophis

I believe OMWF revealed where Anya's dream lies--she'll do anything for a chance at the bigtime, and now that Lorne has the star resources of W&H at his green fingertips, he's the demon to give her what she wants. She sings her heart out for him, and once he knows all her secrets, past and future, it's all over. She signs on the dotted line and heads for a six-week gig in Las Vegas. Oops--she forgot to read the teensy-weensy print in the contract that says at the end of her fabulously successful appearance singing those "breakaway pop hits," she goes back to the Nether Realms. Lorne wins. - MaeveRigan

Agree with cjl or at least with his title as I haven't read the actual post. These are two of my favourite characters. And both ones that have been given short shrift recently. I'm voting for Lorne because a) he is still alive and b) he's hasn't had as much good material to work with over the years (and yet he's still alvie). Anya just has to hum a little tune and Lorne will be there with a suitcase full of lagomorphs and it will be all over. - matching mole

No question, Lorne. Anya was amusing for about five minutes at the end of Season 3. Then she got tedious. Get a new schtick, girl. Lorne, on the other hand, I don't know if I like him better when he's calling Angel pastries, singing a cooing Connor to sleep, or trying to throttle an annoying Connor over the head. Go Lorne! - Masq

You see when a big cloud meets a little cloud... Scene – A spotlit white gazebo.
Lorne saunters on scene wearing an amazing lemon colored suit, salmon shirt and matching tie as belt. His lemon fedora is tilted at a jaunty angle. He’s humming “I lost my hat in Haiti.” As he begins to sing, a monkey leaps onto his shoulder, grabs his hat and runs across stage and into the darkness.
A backlit woman in a forties circle skirt and halter top appears. (So, it’s a really good backlight). She steps into the light and surprise, it’s Anya. (How amazing, you didn’t see that one coming did you.” And she’s wearing the fedora at an equally jaunty and rakish angle. “Isn’t it a Lovely Day” begins to play, while a rain stage effect begins to spatter fall almost in the light.
Lorne sings, “The weather is frightening, The thunder and lightning, Seem to be having their way, But as far as I'm concerned, It's a lovely day"
Anya shrugs, “I’m not interested in book songs.” and starts to walk across stage.
Lorne twirls, strolls around the gazebo and whistles.
Not to be beat, Anya whistles too. They stroll the gazebo, hands in pockets, almost, but not dancing.
As the music breaks, Lorne spins toward us and gives (well, not Fosse hands) a hand wave. Then he folds his arms and smirks.
Anya whatever shrugs back. Anya does the same step and ends with a dismissive stamp of her right foot.“I’m dancing crazy.” and then throws in a step that the music doesn't allow him to duplicate.
He rolls his eyes and they face each other, ballroom close, arms folded. They spin, stop, twirl, clap hands simultaneously and (on "Oh what a break") tap strut to the front of the gazebo, landing in synch on the right foot.
Lorne and Anya are smiling now and for the first time they touch, though only to push the other off into a set of twinning spins.
It's time for the final chorus. They slide-taps face each other. Something’s gotta give. (Wait that’s a different number, oh whatever.)
Lorne takes Anya in his arms and leads her in a set abandoned spins. Whee! Backing off, they face each other, tap again, do a quick Lindy, arms airplane wings. He lifts her into a ballroom spin. Then, she lifts him into one! In open ballroom position, they do an outrageously high dip, and leap off the stage as Lorne’s hat falls off Anya’s head. The monkey puts it on and then moving the secret zipper reveals that the monkey is in fact Irving Berlin, who has won this round.
But wait, Berlin is actually Cole Porter. Wait Cole Porter is actually Numfar, who does the dance of joy and the lights go out.
Wait, I was supposed to choose wasn’t I. Umm…does a little tap shuffle number and slouches off stage. - fresne

long live anya! viva la anya! anya rocks. lorne is cool, but anya is still better. :) anya and lorne rock. :) - someone

Xander 22, Kate 12

The one-eyed king of hearts takes this hand from the queen of clubs (or billy club). Hammy, yeah I know. Anyway, everyone's favorite butt-monkey wins his way into the Sweet 16. Detective Kate gets her ass fired out of the tournament. I wonder what she'll do next? Xander is thrilled that he's made it this far, since he really thought his number was up with this one. Up next, comments!

At 2 votes to nothing, Xander's currently running away with this one. But here's why I think he really should win: it's not about violence, which as we all know has never been Xander's strong suit. Kate's been waiting for a guy like Xander all her life. You know I'm right. I say the venue for this match is a bar in LA; Xander gives Kate his "fish" spiel over a hot cocoa (the cocoa-factor simply can't be over-emphasized), gazing at her with his sad, puppy-dog eyes. Kate melts, it's all over but the part where she moves in with him and they live happily ever after (until the next apocalypse). It was sad about Anya, wasn't it? I really miss her. But Xander deserves someone, finally, who is emphatically not a demon. The Zeppo is a lover, not a fighter. I'm just saying. - MaeveRigan

You can't win Darth. It's the eye - in his ill considered attempt to harm the Xand-man physically Caleb has inadvertantly made Xander the avatar of at least three major deities to my certain knowledge. Under the protection of Odin, Horus and Balor Xander's power flourishes in the areas of wisdom, justice and retribution. He also discovers a deep psychological need to start keeping snakes, and I don't mean the one-eyed trouser variety, OK that was way too loud wasn't it? Anyway, Kate's awed by Xander's new incarnation as a one-man judicial system and seeks a position under him. After a moments hesitation caused by the non-demonyness of it all the Xand-man accepts and starts his new career as the elusive and charismatic head of Harris Associates ('Wierdness squished fast' [daylight hours only]). - Celebaelin

Xander Xander Xander! He's our man! If he can't do it, well - that's not too terribly surprising, but I love him to bits anyway. Xander victorious, because he'd happily be trounced by her, after which she'd lose her heart to his sparkling personality and he'd come out the winner in many, many ways. - Anneth

Xander and Kate take the contest to a local bar, where they start off the competition (loser pays the bar tab) with their second-favorite activity--complaining about Angel. How "he's probably a decent guy, and he's heroic and all, but I hate him anyway." Kate tries to impress upon Xander the dangers of vigilante justice and how Angel represents a threat to the system; Xander tells Kate the story of Buffy Season 2 and ends the preliminaries right there. They proceed to the main event--How My Dad Screwed Up My Life. The battle is fast, furious and depressing. Christmas at the Harris home. Beating up her first boyfriend. Drinking binges. Dead Mom and emotional distance. Kate knows she's got the winner, though: Trevor's sad, post-retirement downhill slide from proud cop to flunky for demonic overlords, and his painful, vampiric death (while Angel watched, yet!). Xander is more than ready to concede and reaches out for the bar tab when Kate asks him--just for kicks--about the worst thing his father ever did. Xander is barely two-thirds through describing the wedding when Kate slides the bar tab over to her side of the table and calls for the waiter. - cjl

I'd really like to write something long and witty and enlightening, but I'm tired and I still have 2 papers to write. Let's just say Xander blinds Kate with his Babylon 5 collector's plates and pushes her down a flight of stairs. Or they get to talking, Kate falls asleep on Xander's couch, and Xander's the only one who remembers they were supposed to fight and wins by countout. Or whatever. Why do I have to think of things for you, JBone? Why don't you ever cut me some frigging slack, you slavedriving monster?!?! Why won't you let me die? - Apophis

One thing I don't get is why whenever one of these contests is identified as making a better 'ship (or one-night-stand, at any rate) than a fight, it's taken to be a victory for the male involved (unless it's Oz)? Call me naďve, but wouldn't that make it a tie, for all the obvious diabetes-inducing reasons? On that note, put me down for romance, sweet romance, or whatever Xander and Kate come up with together, and therefore a vote to Kate to narrow the margin... and someone bring in the fic writers. - Caira

Cordelia 32, Glory 11

She who has no tact beats the hell out of she who has as little tact as the previous she has? Uh, Cordy beats Glory. This gets Cordy to the Sweet 16 where she will meet the omnipresent Fred. Glory had her moments, but for the life of me the only one I can think of was in the tub. And since Cordy had her 10 times that, I'm more than happy to proclaim Glory a loser. The bad news is that I don't get to kill Ben. The Queen Bitch of Sunnydale doesn't have the crown yet, but I have comments now!

Fashion-related insults abound in this war of wits. Even though Glory could snap Cordelia like balsa wood, she'd have to penetrate a solid wall of biting sarcasm and verbal abuse. Before she got the chance to eat Cordy's brain, Glory would be so humiliated by the onslaught that she'd throw herself into the heart of a star... or something. Besides, Cordy deserves to kill a god or two as payback for how she's been treated by the Powers That Be (and not the ones that sent her visions). - Apophis

*Sigh* Which Cordy? Fashion queen Cordelia from BtVS? Vision girl of AtS seasons 1-2? Pod-delia of S3? Cordevilia of S4? Too many choices. Thus, I'm voting for Glory. - HonorH

Okay, we've got to set up some rules for this particular face-off. In order to ensure fairness, Glory either has to (a) face off against Higher Being Cordelia, or (b) engage Cordy in a non-powered snark-off. If it's (a), power levels are equal, and Cordy's frustration over not being able to shop on our plane of existence beats out Glory's "I could crap a better world than this" angst. If it's (b), Queen C would level a character whose personality is a cheap imitation of Cordy's in the first place. Either way, Cordy wins. Big. - cjl

Catfight, tending towards the verbal and largely using haute couture for ammunition. Cordy's visions give her the edge and her final devastating 'Milan, please, that is so next season' leaves Glory utterly stumped, wondering how formality became hijacked to such an extent that a human with an apartment like this could know about it in advance. Cordy sighs, looks at herself between profile and three-quarter in the mirror, quietly whispers 'probably' to herself, and then pushes Glory out of the door before investigating the victory salami. - Celebaelin

Gloriosky! I'm going with Season 5 Cordelia, i.e., A2 Cordy, before the whole "higher being," almost-a-demon thing. And in that contest, Glory is not only more petulant than merely-human Cordelia, she physically crushes her like a bug. Oh no - there go Angel seasons 3 and 4! And in some ways, mightn't we all be the better for it? At least we'd never have the awful vision of Cordelia/Connor in our minds. Well, a girl can dream ;-) Apologies to Cordelia fans everywhere! - MaeveRigan

Which Cordy, indeed. I think it's best to just go with the last incarnation of the character that we've all seen. Cause if we had all of the different personas of each character facing off against others, this contest would drag on forever. So anyway, despite Glory's godly strength, she's got those wicked migraines to deal with. Cordy on the other hand, pre-coma, pre-baby, post-higher being would eventually smack down the god of bad home perms and lopsided arses. But Cordy would certainly stop to swap notes on clothes and shoes. - deeva

Again, much consideration took place before I voted. Finally, I realized that nobody could cut another down to size like Queen C. Glory mostly lounged around and whined; essentially the worst she could do to Spike was tenderize him a little and stick a finger into his chest. Cordelia, on the other hand, made the wish that arguably spawned Vamp Willow. And she wasn't even trying to wreak havoc. Cordy victorious. - Anneth

Fred 25, Oz 22

So little miss ‘gosh ya'll' fixed mister ‘bury it in the backyard' but good. These things were a lot easier to write when you could find Psyche's transcripts. Anyway, the cute little Texas gal is the first exclusively AtS character to win her way into the Sweet 16. Oz put up a good showing, as lead guitarists are wont to do, but despite his high test scores, he couldn't keep pace with the physicist. Comments are reflective of the voting, pretty well split, with what looks like a non-vote comment. It's not a first for my little bloodbath, but it's definitely not in the spirit.

Ooh, tough one! On one hand, Oz is a werewolf. On the other hand, Fred survived five years in Pylea with even meaner creatures. Plus, Oz does have this weakness for smart, sweet, babble-icious girls. So I'm going to throw my vote to the physicist. - HonorH

I think this is gonna be a tight race! I love Fred. She's just as cute as a bug in a rug. Can't wait to see her in October. But Oz, man, he's OZ! He roolz!! There will never be another like him. I gotta go with the Wolfman. - dub

The more I think about this the more I can only see it as a misunderstanding. Initially Oz is symathetic with, and vaguely interested in, Fred's intellect. Fred has talked to Willow and somehow the terms 'osier' and 'lycanthropy' seem appropriate. Unfortunately this is too much resonance for Oz and the 'I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright nowwwwwww' factor comes into play. Fred makes herself scarce and Oz progresses by default. - Celebaelin

Fred is absolutely delighted to meet Oz, and she babbles away telling him so, discussing his world travels, his friendships with the Scooby Gang, and the unique particulars of his malady. She's rounding off a five-minute dissertation on the possible affects of the full moon on the adrenal system when Oz is overwhelmed by the sheer Willow-ness of the whole thing, and starts to change. Oz strongly urges Fred to leave, and--as Celebaelin said--Fred is smart enough to listen. Oz wins the round, but both Oz and Fred are better for the encounter. (W&H patents the cure for lyncanthropy?) - cjl

Hmmm... Okay, Oz is a werewolf. Oz's lychanthropy is triggered by negative emotional stimuli, like, for example, being forced into a fight for whatever reason (since I can't think of a logical reason for Oz and Fred to fight). Werewolves are dangerous, rampaging beats. They aren't terribly clever, though. Fred, on the otherhand, has proven time and again her ability to improvise under duress. When confronted with the Ozwolf, she'd run, of course, but would eventually jury-rig some sort of weapon to, if not outright kill Oz, than at least incapacitate him until he became managable. As much as I like Oz, I have to give this to Fred. Afterwords, they can split a J (oh, come on, like Oz never got high). - Apophis

Oz wolfs out, and Fred certainly seems to be on the ropes, until she Macgyver's the wolf man into next week. Fred and her resourcefulness for the win. - Rook

For the first time, two characters who I can't decide between on emotional grounds. So I'll have to go by what would happen. OK, Oz has the lycanthropy thing going. But we all know that when she's genuinely threatened Fred will hide, plot, and then strike back with utter ruthlessness and lethality. Wolf-boy won't know what hit him. Probably literally. - KdS

We have the technology. Fred, by a nose. She's smart enough to check the lunar cycle before engaging in combat, and ususally has a trick or two up her sleeve. - Arethusa

Agreeing with KdS and ZachsMind. There's no contest when Oz and Fred meet, just a meeting of minds. In fact, it's very hard for me to decide which mind would win, if forced into mental competition, because they're obviously both brilliant. Ultimately, as others have suggested, I believe Fred is more devious, and therefore I give her the edge. But neither of them really care about this smackdown thing. After this round, they're going off to discuss quantum physics, alternate dimensions, and meditation techniques over coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. - MaeveRigan

There's no contest here. Ooh! Now here's a 'ship I could almost grok. Oz is very soft spoken and spiritual and has an almost chivalrous code of ethics, plus he's in a band which is always a plus. Fred has many qualities similar to Willow, but also has more of a tomboyishness about her, hanging with the guys as much as she does. Early Willow was quite skittish and mousy, which Fred's been on occasion too. Willow's presence is what interested him. Not just her physicality but how she carried herself and the aura about her. I think Fred's kinda like that too. She is pretty physically, but inside her shines something even more beautiful that only someone as astute and observant as Oz could understand, or perhaps deserve.

Fred does get obsessive and eccentric, but it's endearing. I think they'd hit it off well. They're both intelligent, mature people who think about big stuff. Oz is much into just hanging out and drinking in a place and the people in it. Fred enjoys her work but is in desperate need of getting out more. Fred needs someone to remind her to eat and sleep and ..well she needs an anchor, frankly. And Fred could help Oz on both the physics and metaphysics of lycanthropy, taking him perhaps even further than his travels for a cure have taken him. I dunno. I don't buy the idea of these two fighting. In fact I think they'd hit it off and just have occasional spats and quarrels. Then a few years later, Willow could be BOTH the best man and maid of honor...

What I mean to say is there's no victor here. Or rather they'd both be victors. Even if the 'ship didn't work out they'd make very good friends. I see absolutely no potential for friction here, of the adverse kind anyway. Plenty of potential for the fun kinda friction.

Sorry to burst everyone's bubble. There's no contest. - ZachsMind

Round 1

Detective Kate 24, Adam 14

In my mind, this is a legitimate upset. Oh, I figured it might be close, and Kate had a decent chance of winning, but I never suspected her collaring Adam by ten votes! So Kate closes out the Demon Region first round by making a second round date with Xander. Interesting. Adam was certainly disappointing. But I guess the voters made that clear. All comments are in, proceed in an orderly fashion. There's plenty to see here.

The tale of the misunderstood Kate. It ain't easy being blue: the symbolic importance of Kate Lockley in the Angelverse Go Kate! - Masq

I always liked Kate, but, No way could she stand up to Adam when even Buffy had to do the combo-Buffy thing to take him on. Adam gets my vote. - HonorH

I really liked Kate Lockley and I wish she'd stuck around longer. That said, Adam's character had a lot of unexplored potential to go along with his sheer firepower. Ergo, he beats Kate in my only 2 criteria: 1) interesting character and 2) powerful (okay, 3 criteria: 3) not Spike, but that doesn't really apply here). I mean, come on; he's virtually indestructible and can shoot missiles. Kate got lucky with a vampire or two. No contest. - ApOpHiS

Kate's a tough cookie (fully baked), and she's not intimidated by Jossverse weirdness. Preparation is the key, and as a former LAPD detective, Kate is always prepared. Adam enters the battlefield, but Kate is nowhere in sight. He scans the area with infra-red vision, but finds all of Kate's possible hiding places lead-lined and impenetrable. So he starts blowing them all up. "This is futile, Detective Lockley," he shouts to nowhere in particular. "I am a kinematically redundant biomechanical demonoid. I have ten times your physical strength, thirty times your data capacity, and enough built-in weaponry to take out an army division. You have no chance." He's so busy bragging that he barely hears the high-pitched whine from above. By the time he looks up at the parapet, Kate's laser cannon blows a mammoth hole through his chest, taking his power core with it. (Coda: as the Army biohazard boys cart off Adam's body and pick up stray chunks of uranium, Riley and Sam offer Kate a new career as a demon hunter. She bitches a little about the hours and the benefits package--but she takes it.) - cjl

She got my vote. And I have a feeling she used the sensitivity stick against him, somehow. Handling it with oven mitts, of course. And lubricant. - Dead Soul

Wow, tricky one. Having spent so long watching Buffy and thinking 'Where the hell are the cops' I was thoroughly delighted to see Kate appear on Angel. I rubbed my hands with glee at the prospect of all those juicy moral (or at least legal) dilemmas and problems. The Private Dick-Cop relationship seemed to be about to come in for the ME treatment and the DM in me saw much potential for character growth and development in the face of adversity on both sides (AI and the competant cop with a bee in her bonnet about some sleezebag PI). As things stand I find that I still having to suspend disbelief that the authorities leave the demon-hunting and supernatural stuff so well alone, in my imagination Kate goes on to have a career as Fox Mulder in drag. Adam did not have so much potential for growth, largely as a result of his 'design flaw' I think. The synergistic sum of the scoobies feelings experiences defeated the synergistic sum of his various body parts and there's an end to it, his supra-genius evil mastermind days were over. Even the British Army WWII standard of 'Gone, and never called me mother' cannot be applied. Adam was already all he could be, that's why he wanted to separate Buffy from her friends. I'm gonna go with Kate, she substitutes Boron control rods for plastic bullets in a riot gun and takes out Adam's power source in a sneak attack from a safe distace. Kevlar and hard cover suffice for the brief firefight and she walks away largely unscathed. - Celebaelin

This match-up is crucially important. Kate must win. This is a good test of the pH of the board. Adam is a charming cameo character, a less stellar evil, and a truly mediocre Big Bad compared to the previous Mayor and Angelus. Kate is a wonderful character, the lady who was never quite Angel's Riley. And the reason why she wasn't is because she was complex. Kate enlivens some of Season One's best episodes: 'Sense and Sensitivity', 'The Prodigal', 'Somnambulist', where it was struggling in many other episodes. Kate had her instinctual father-orientated disgust consolidated by Angel's vampiric nature, thereby becoming symbolic both of the Los Angeles into which Angel failed to integrate, and later of Angel's struggle itself, particularly in the glorious, painful scene where she is dismissed in 'Reprise'. Her duet with Angel in 'Epiphany' remains the series' best scene. And yet, for people who can't quite trust Angel, she remains more shadowy, less valid than Adam. And that's sad. Show you're open minded and that you care, I urge you. Vote Kate. - TCH [Voting Kate]

What TCH said. I was shocked, yes shocked I tell you!, to discover that there were fans out there who didn't find Kate interesting. What a great character for the broody one to play off of. Adam doesn't stand a chance - he going home with that same confused look one his face that he had when the missile turned into doves. - matching mole

Looks like I may have missed my chance on this one (due to local internet outage), but as much as I would have liked to vote for Kate, honesty makes me say that Adam would almost certainly take this round, unless UberSlayer-Buffy turned up unexpectedly to help Kate out. No? Then Adam wins this one. - MaeveRigan

Freeze, dirtbag! [SCENE: A dark alleyway. Searching for the perpetrator of a stabbing, KATE LOCKLEY inches down the alley with a gun in one hand and a flashlight in the other. Suddenly, ADAM steps into the flashlight's beam.]

KATE: (pointing gun) Police! Don't move! (Then, noticing that the figure in the light is not human, she smiles grimly.) On second thought, go ahead and move. I don't really care.

[KATE fires three shots into ADAM's chest. Each impact knocks ADAM back an inch or two, but that's all.]

ADAM: (looking down at the three bullet wounds) Fascinating. And uncomfortable.

[ADAM leaps forward and skewers KATE through the chest, Kevlar vest and all. She slides off the skewer and falls to the ground, eyes open but unseeing. ADAM retracts his skewer, then picks up KATE's gun in his left hand and inspects it.]

ADAM: A firearm. Very interesting. (He looks at his right arm and smiles.) And it gives me an idea.

[Fade to black.] - Gyrus

Lorne 39, Maggie Walsh 8

Lorne conducts a very nice win over the overmatched Professor. Maggie's experimental tactics fell far too short. Lorne moves into a matchup with Anya in the second round. I wonder what that will sound like. Anyway, it was a bit of a yawner, but the comments weren't. Read on.

Evil Bitch Monster of Death No Longer. Relocating to L.A., Maggie captures Lorne, hoping to incorporate his empathic ability into a new cyberdemonoid. "Gee, Mags," says Lorne, strapped to one of her lab tables, "you seem a little tense. Wanna talk about it, sweetie?" Since nobody can resist the twinkle in Lorne's eye for long, talk about it she does. The two of them wind up in a local karaoke bar, where Maggie slams back tequila shots in between childhood reveries, and she sings an off-key but passionate rendition of Heart's "Magic Man" that tells Lorne more than he wanted to know. Eventually, Maggie passes out on the table, sleeping peacefully for the first time in twenty years. "Aww," says Lorne, celebrating his victory with a seabreeze, "she looks so cute." - cjl

No contest. The future governor of California hits Prof. Walsh up for a signature supporting his candidacy in return for state sponsorship of her human/demon chimaerization research. Lulled into a complacency by Lorne's promise to waive all animal care paperwork the good professor eventually comes to her senses tied to a telephone and soliciting campaign donations from San Bernadino mucous demons. But by then it's much too late as Lorne is already on his third encore. - matching mole

I know, I know, Lorne ought to win, but Maggie made such a cool, icky zombie! I have to vote for cool, icky zombies. I just gotta! - Anneth

Lorne simply has too vast an arsenal to go down to a Psych professor. Even discounting the empathic abilities (and it's a gamble to assume Maggie had any emotions), Lorne still has several abilities to fall back on. He's got the sonic scream working for him; if Banshee can take out an entire wall of Phalanx with it, Lorne can take Maggie. There's his lack of intoxication-getting (I didn't sleep much today); he could challenge her to a drinking contest and clean house. There's always his decapitation trick; if it comes down to hand-to-hand, Lorne could engineer things to lead to his decapitation. Maggie would think he was dead and take him to her lab for study. When his head starts talking to her, she dies of a heart attack. Lorne is one well-rounded demon. - ApOpHiS

All you need is love. Lorne all the way, baby! Yeah, yeah, mad scientist, Evil Bitch Monster of Death, Initiative dominatrix, whatever. Lorne took his dream of singing out of Pylea and to L.A., ran a demon karaoke bar that got wrecked repeatedly thanks to Angel and his crew, even braved Beige!Angel and got one fine rant out of him--that, my friends, takes moxie. So I think that Lorne would take one look at Maggie, soothe her savage breast with his songs, then hit his Patented High Note to distract the commandos and hightail it out of there (after checking out said commandos 'cause, hey, hotties). - HonorH

One chorus of Lorne's crooning breaks down all Maggie's emotional barriers and reduces her to a sobbing wreck. No problem for the green guy. - KdS

Lorne in a song. - Caira

Not that this one will be remotely close, but here is my vote any way: LORNE LORNE LORNE!!!! First, have we ever actually seen Maggie handle a weapon of any sort? She is the woman behind the scenes. She sends OTHERS to their death. The one time she actually faced danger, with VerucaWolf and OzWolf, she took off like a little girl and probably wet herself. Lorne is getting beyond his coward status and actually fought The Beast. I am sure for this match, Wesley will trick him out in the latest cool weaponry and Lorne will pull an Adam on her and run something through that space where her heart is SUPPOSED to be. When the bitch shows up carrying some government weapon that she has no clue how to handle, Lorne's voice will just scramble the circuitry and render it useless. - Diana

Maggie Walsh. MAGG13 IS l33t!! SHE HAS MAD SK1LZZ!! U R DUM F U VOTE 4 LORN3!! Oh great, now Jay's going to delete me. And after all the careful reasoning and convincing argumentation I've put into this post. - d'Herblay

Anya 38, Merle 2

Anya does what a top seed is suppose to do, win early and big. No, there wasn't much suspense as our favorite tongueless demon got his green hide handed to him. Ah, the classic snitch. He's a perfect example of the recurring characters on AtS. But this is Anya's day, and she just wanted to get the first round behind her. Metaphorically. It was face to face for the event itself. COMMENTS!

Merle had a voice like a hinge that needed oiling. It made my head ache. Anya's voice was beautiful and melodic. It was only the things she said that made my head ache. I vote Anya. ;o) - dub ;o)

Anya, baby! Merle couldn't stand up to her any more than Andrew did. It would be a sad, sad thing to watch. - HonorH

Whether this is a physical or verbal confrontation, the outcome is the same: Merle doesn't stand a chance. Anya would loquaciously lacerate the spineless green bugger before he even knew he was in a contest. In 5 minutes, Anya would have him mowing her lawn, washing her car, and cringing from the merest mention of her name for the rest of his life. - ApOpHiS

One might say that both of them spent the last seasons of their life as comic turns until a meaningful death. Anya, however, had had some depth in the past until ME bogged her, so I'll have to vote for her. - KdS

Anya would win in the monster sarcasm rally, Anyanka would simply fry Merle (who undoubtedly has earned a vengeance spell or two in his weaselly lifetime). Goodbye, Merle. - MaeveRigan

Aud. Anyanka. Anya. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Poor Merle, sniveling but (generally) honorable bargain basement demonic stoolie that he is, has no chance against the razor-tongued wonderment that is Anya. - cjl

I don't know much about Merle other than he had a knack for knowing the things that Angel wanted to hear about. But it appears to me that our 4th of July baby has cajones that Merle will never have. But then I know nothing of Merle's physiology. He just seems like he would wet his pants in the face of danger. Does he even wear pants? *sniff* unlike li'l Anya Emanuelle who went down fighting. - deeva

Xander 27, Gwen 14

NightHawk pulls out his first, first round win. Gwen, as usual, set off a lot of fireworks, but three appearances apparently doesn't overcome seven years. I wasn't sure if Xander would actually be able to win this one. I figured the fans who like him most would be at least partially split over the smokin hot Gwen. And a girl that looks like that... well, she ain't gonna be alone long. Some great comments, or let lightning strike me...

'cmon...Gwen needs some love. A few minutes with the heart of the Scoobs and it'll be all bear hugs and window fixing. Xander comes out of this round unscathed. - Alison

ElectroGwen vs. the One-Eyed Zeppo. Now, tradition dictates that I vote for Gwen, as I'm shallow and easily swayed by a pretty face and tight leather. However, my (purely platonic) love for Xander supercedes my base nature. I figure that Xander's read enough comics to know how to handle someone with electro-powers. From Spider-Man alone he'll have learned to overload her with powerlines, pitch her into water, or to simply wear a rubber suit. Of course, he'll have to pick his jaw up off the ground first, but after his experience with the Ashanti demon, he may be less willing to trust a pretty face than I am. - ApOpHiS

Try as I might, I can. not. vote. for Gwen. I mean, under any reasonable circumstances, she'd eviscerate him. But, happily for Xander, circumstances are rarely reasonable in the Buffyverse, or elsewhere. Xander, who has the moral victory by virtue of being one of the Scoobies, and thus sacrosanct, also somehow stumbles upon the physical victory. Maybe he runs her over with his ice cream truck? No matter; Xander wins by a mile. - Anneth

So very... visual. Xander Harris: if I could be someone else I'd think a lot about being Mssr. Whedon's alter ego, especially in the tres skinny phase. WHile I'm wishing, I mean. But for just as long as I spent looking at the pix of Gwen, she won. Game set match. Woman: whoa, man, woe man! Then I voted the XandMan. - pr10n

I usually vote for the "Angel" characters but... Xander has been there from the very beginning. He's the one who breathed life back into Buffy in "Prophecy Girl". He's the one who always jumped into the fray despite his lack of super-powers. He's been the heart of the Scooby Gang for seven long years, and I adore him for all his quiet contribution. And besides, Snoopy Dance! I do love Gwen, with all her sleek style and grace and cool mutant powers. Plus, she got to snog Gunn, which is just beautiful :) But Xander is still my man, and in the end, I just had to vote for him. - Scroll

Oh, to heck with the contest... Just as Gwen and Xander are about to face off in mortal combat, she hears that Lara Croft is going after Pandora's Box in the Tomb Raider sequel. "They gave that boring, stuck-up, plasticine bitch a SEQUEL?!" Gwen yells. She grabs Xander (who doesn't complain), and the two of them have a whirlwind adventure that has audiences laughing and cheering, earns $200 million at the box office, and permanently blows Angelina Jolie and her two silicon friends out of the water. When it's done, Gwen gives Xander a little LISA-enhanced action, grabs the Box and takes off for parts unknown. Xander, still a little dazed, summarizes the situation with one of his patented wisecracks, and heads back to Cleveland. We'll follow him anywhere--and if there's any justice, Joss will invite Nic Brendon back to do something. Anything. (I'm voting for Xander, of course.) - cjl

Comfortador or conquistador? The outcome of this contest depends on whether Gwen faces Xander the conquistador, or Xander the comfortador. Face it--in a match against Xander the conquistador, ElectroGwen would win in a few seconds and the Zeppo would be (literally) toast. However, we know what Gwen really wants is a loving touch, and in the arms of Xander the comfortador, the man who was able to win the heart of an ex-vengeance demon twice--and always assuming Gwen is tricked out in that nifty circuit-control device--she'd melt in a minute. - MaeveRigan

Cordy 27, Phantom Dennis 9

If I had a soul, I might feel guilty about Cordy and Phantom Dennis matching up in the first round. But I don't, and Cordy wins her way to a second round matchup with Glory. And Cordy's former roommate is left behind, again. I had my doubts how well Cordy would perform after such a bizarre year, but she gets a good first round win in. I opened up my Sunnydale class of 99 annual, and guess what I found. No, it's better than "have a kickass summer", it's comments!

Oh please. Cordy kicked Mama Dennis' butt, do you really think she'll have any trouble with the son? - LadyStarlight

Cordy doesn't even have to kick dennis's butt. Phantom Dennis remembers what Cordy did for him and has no interest in messing with his roommate. In fact, I feel pretty bad for anybody that goes up against Cordy in this particular venue, cuz Phantom Dennis will take care of 'em. - manwitch

Didn't she have him totally whipped in, like, one episode? And he liked it that way. Thus, I'm going for Queen C, through to the next round! - HonorH

Cordy. Watch for her to hook up with Spike after she returns to the show and they get rid of Boreanaz. Won't that be cute? - Rochefort

I vote for Cordy, not just for her ill-explained demon powers or because of our brief but torrid affair, but because, even without all of that, she could easily browbeat and shame Dennis into slinking off into the white light he's been ignoring for the last 50 years. Just because he's intangible doesn't mean he can't feel. - ApOpHiS

A tragic first round match up. This contest cannot and should not happen. manwitch is right--Dennis is completely devoted to Cordy, and to pit the two against each other in combat destroys one of the great platonic love stories of the Whedonverse. Of course, if there has to be a battle to the death, Cordy could obliterate Dennis with eight simple-but-devastating words: "I never loved you and I never will." - cjl

I suspect that Phantom Dennis will have to rely on a lot of phantom voters. So far, his support seems as insubstantial as he is. - d'Herblay

Isn't Phantom Dennis already Cordywhipped?????? Of course I didn't see Dennis pack up his unmentionables and haunt someplace else. - Rufus

Mine is the lonely (for now) vote for Phantom Dennis. Let's see where we are: Cordy - suffering possible permanent vegitude after two seasons of hairdo humiliation Phantom Dennis - scrubbing the back of the next young starlet who lucked into that gorgeous rent-controlled apartment. He had the brains to steer clear of the turgid supernatural soap opera and just watch it from the periphery. Much more entertaining that way. - Dead (but with a well-scrubbed back) Soul

Sorry, Dennis, but we went over this... Cordy is the biggest bitch in Sunnydale. She ain't afraid of no ghosts. Before you'd be able to get in one blow, Cordy will have you sobbing and shaking in the corner as she plays the Evita soundtrack at top volume. - Rob

Poor Dennis. Dennis just walks away, unable to do anything to upset his eternal love object. Isn't anyone else sorry for him after S4? Even Connor gets a new family, poor Dennis is just left in that flat, forgotten and alone. Sniff. - KdS

There's no contest here. Phantom Dennis concedes, he bows out, he yields the field. Cordelia is his queen--he adores her. No way he's going to fight her. Queen C graciously accepts his homage and takes this round without ever having to strike a blow at Dennis's incorporeal being. - MaeveRigan

No contest. (literally!) One whithering look from Queen C'll send this poltergeist screaming for the pearly gates, or wherever is furthest away from her. Of course, Cordy knows that she captures more arrested adolescents with honey than vinegar, so all she has to do is smile gently and bat her eyelashes in his general direction. Or possibly glow a little. Dennis will succumb to her charms and bow out gracefully, leaving Cordelia the winner by gentle, loving default. - Anneth

And now...a real fight! After much in the way of long hard thought -- way too much, considering that I no longer have many warm yummy feelings for either of these two -- I hav decided to be bold, be trendily untrendy, and cast a vote for the Phantom. The purple spandex may not be an aesthetic wonder, but the imperialism hidden under a thin coat of modern colonial sensitivity means he is backed by powerful forces of evil. His condescension toward the indigenous people is made evident in his "let me save you" heroic persona, and I feel that...huh? What do you mean, it's a different Phantom? Which one are you talki....oh, him! Heh, Cordy would kick his insubstantial ass. Unfortunately, I already voted for the Phantom. Oh well, my vote's not gonna count for much in this contest. - Random

Fred 32, Skip 5

Fred hands a butt whipping of the most embarrassing order to the scab Skip. Thus, setting up a second round matchup with the taciturn Oz. Sounds more like a date than a fight. Anyway, Skip probably ruined whatever small chance he had when he was found out for his mercenary demon ways. And Fred, well, she's so cute. Who wants a doobie? [holding breath] Comments. [motioning] Knock yourself out.

While his exoskeleton and demonic strength are formidable, Skip's powers actually render him vulnerable in certain situations (such as this one). Skip, being the badass mercenary demon that he is, tends to underestimate soft, squishy humans. This led to his downfall when he turned his back on the supremely resourceful Wesley. I believe this fight will end the same way. If anything, Fred is more resourceful than Wesley (she has beaten him in a battle of wits at least twice). I say Skip gets cocky, Fred wastes him MacGuyver-style and looks cute doing it. - ApOpHiS

Ah, Skip. Good old blue collar, commuter demon Skip. Sell-out. Inside Out ruined the character for me. Skip laughs himself silly looking at Fred, until she creates a deadly weapon out of paper clips, a nearby bougainvillea plant and a handy phone book. Ou [shitty yahoo guestbook craps out here, so I (JBone), insert my best guess] Out, damn Skip! Out! - cjl

Hmm, have to keep this brief. In summary, Skip, you dont f__k with the physicists. Youll wake up with a singularity next to you in your bed. - Caira

Oz 24, Groo 2

Was there a contest? When Oz is on, everything seems so easy about him. If I didn't know better, and I think I do, he makes it look like he isn't putting out any effort at all. Groo, poor, poor Groo, no matter what he does, he can't get anyone's attention. There will be no Com-shuking for the blue eyed mixed cow. The Dingo moves onto the second round. We got some comments, dog...

In honor of of Oz, my comment is brief. If Oz were an animal cracker, he would have pants. - Rochefort

Now, most people would go by sheer warrior prowess. In that case, Groo would win hands down. Grew up in a demon dimension, preternaturally strong with fast healing, warrior from his youth, got deflowered by Cordy, et cetera ad infinitum. He's da man. But Oz is just *cool*! - HonorH

I voted for Oz in this round. While Groo is cool and all, Oz is pretty tough when he's a wolf, and when he's not a wolf, the dude knows how to keep an even keel. I woulda thought he'd be more into the lesbian thing then he turned out to be, but that's not gonna make me vote against him. - manbitch

Glory 30, Principal Snyder 21

Glory wins a decently competitive match with the incredible, edible Principal. But not close enough for my power hungry team of tiebreakers. Snyder (just a last name, like... Barbarino), just didn't measure up to the hellgod with a bad perm. I'll leave the better line to someone else in the next round. Comments. I just love comments...

I'm convinced Snyder is some kind of Demonic half-breed, related to Glory's minions. Same stature. Same bone structure. And did you see Snyder toady to the Mayor? The man's a born minion. This one's over before it begins, as Snyder falls in line and is happily reunited with his long lost family. - Rook

Armin Shimmerman is a joy to watch; he's one of those character actors who'll be working well into the second half of the 21st century, when his prettier co-stars have all been shuttled into The Old Actors' Home. As for Glory, I find that I liked the IDEA of Glory more than the actual hellgod herself. Interpret this as a comment on Clare Kramer's acting talents whichever way you want. - cjl

Hm, who should rub my bumpy noggin? Where'd I put that Ouija Board? Or the crow entrails saved for a real puzzler. GLORY, Glory, lickable Glory - hit me with a ruler, Glory... I'll stop. - pr10n

I think a fight between Snyder and Glory would be suprisly short. Glory would try to suck out Snyder's sanity and find that he didn't have any to begin with, at which point Snyder would then give Glory a month's worth of detention cleaning the toilets. Winner: Snyder! - Wolfhowl3

Sorry, but as much as I wanted to keep my votes limited to physical battles, I just have to put Snyder on top here. He was never a Big Bad, but he will always be the best villain. Just imagine that Glory spent two seconds in the ring with him and wisely fled from his wickedness. - Valheru

Poor Snyder - anyone who doesn't work out what an Evil Overload means when he promises that you'll get all you deserves is doomed. Glory'll be complaining about getting creamed Principal on her very expensive shoes. - KdS

Did Snyder ever take a bath on national television? No. Maybe if he had, I would've sided with him... then again, maybe not. - Apophis

I'm afraid Glory would dispatch that little troll as easily as the Mayor eventually did. OTOH, if he played his cards right, he could certainly gain employment as one of her minions. Smarter than Jinx, cuter than Dreg . . . - HonorH

The acting catagory is such a landslide here almost nothing else matters. Snyder. - Rochefort