| I suppose it all began in June of 2002. At the time I had no idea what was wrong with me. Everything happened so fast. One day I was happy and my life was fine and the next everything was horrible. I didn't know why or what was so horrible, but everything was just wrong. I wasn't even sure if what I'd believed about God for so many years was true. What I remember the most is that I couldn't smile. Before I always had a smile for anyone even though I was shy, but now I couldn't smile even for those I most wanted to. Things progressed and my life became steadily worse. I told a friend in late July that something was wrong with me and I wasn't sure about God anymore. He allowed me to email him and I did.I hoped that by having someone to talk to I would be able to straighten everything out. Still, I didn't improve. Then, I think it was in October, my best friend told me that she cut herself. Honestly, I was shocked. I'd heard of SI before from my youth pastor, but I had no idea someone I loved did it. I sank even deeper into depression and I started considering cutting. All through the fall and winter I was tempted to. The temptation literally tortured me until it felt I couldn't stand living without hurting myself. Finally, in April of 2003 I cut. Only a scratch at first, but that's when it began. I told very few people. Those I told tried to help me in what ways they could, but I was pretty far gone by then. This began the worst time in my life so far. I cried all the time. Cutting myself quickly became an every day ritual. I couldn't get through a day without cutting myself sometimes up to four or five times. If I didn't have a blade near me I would hit my arms till I couldn't lift them because of the pain. I was grasping at straws and trying to climb out of the dark hole I was in. I was talking to another friend of mine all the time and I still wonder if he hated me for it. No one could help me and it felt like I was drowning in blackness. I told my youth pastor and that may have been the biggest mistake I ever made. One Sunday I told him it was getting out of control. He talked to me after the service and said that he had an obligation as a pastor to tell my parents what was going on. He was concerned that they might sue him if something more serious happened to me. He was also afraid (as was I) that they would pull me from the youth group. Their relationship was tense anyway and the disliked each other for many reasons. Anyway, he said he'd give it a week for us to think things over, but that he wold have to tell them. Well, he never had to. A family friend found out and even though she said she'd talk to my parents with me she told the without my knowledge. The next week my dad found some sites I'd been looking up on SI (we were sharing a computer at the time since mine was broken) and confronted me. I told him (unwillingly) what was going on. He was very angry that my YP had not told him sooner. They talked and my YP told my dad that he though I was just seeking attention and since he hadn't seen any marks on me he didn't think it was as serious as I said it was. Talk about being hurt. I felt like he'd plunged a knife in me and was twisting it as he pulled it out. I was immediately pulled from the youth group and nearly lost all contact with friends. I had thought of suicide before and now I was seriously contemplating it. My parents put me into counseling and I hated every second of it. During this time I became very rebellious. I did things I'd never dared to before or since. Finally, we switched counselors. This guy wasn't as bad, but I still didn't like it. They prescribed me Paxil. I hated the very idea of taking medication for a "chemical imbalance" in my brain. Depression results from different things, but I honestly believe my wasn't what they diagnosed it as. I took the medication for about a week and then quit. I haven't taken it since and my dad didn't find out till last March that I wasn't. October of 2003 was the last time I cut, but I still felt in bondage to it even up to this last April. I'm still tempted now sometimes, but I know I don't want to go through this again. Now I'm trying to focus on forgiving my pastor. I still wonder if he was lying to me and told my dad the truth or if he was just trying to cover his a$$ by lying to my dad. Either way he lied about many things. Honestly, I don't know how I stopped hurting myself. It just sorta happened. I do believe it was partially a choice on my part. I had to finally decide to stop and be happy. It was difficult, but I'm just glad I'm on the other side. My life is so different now. I equate it with after a storm as cleared away and everything is beautiful. My spiritual life is healing as well. I want to help others now. I can't stand seeing others go through the same pain I did. If you're thinking about SI, don't do it. You'll regret it all your life. Get help before you're in too deep. If you're in deep now, get help. You're not alone, there is hope, and you can get out. If I can I know anyone can. It's worth it. |
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