The Website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Japanese Haiku Messages:
for your computer :)
The Art of Pursuit:
(psycho boyz)
Being Ogled and Approached at Islamic Cons:
A sisters response to
"The Art of Pursuit"
that should be put up????
email it to me! :)
a brother's perspective
Approaching Sisters at Islamic Conventions
by Mufti Maybe
www.notafatwa.tk
Alright, let me preface this article by
saying that I am in no way trying to delegitimize the
religious nature of these Islamic conventions (such as
ISNA) and cultural conventions (such as various
South-Asian and Arab cultural conferences) that we
attend. ISNA, first and foremostly, is a place to go
ongregate with Muslims, to enhance your faith by
listening to uplifting and informative lectures. But
let's face it, most of us Muslims are Muslim-deprived
most of the year. That is to say, we don't see many
others of our faith except the boring regulars. For
the youth, a place like ISNA is not only a place to
rejuvenate our dogmatic beliefs but also to fill the
barrel of belief. Oh, but don't forget! Marriage is
half our faith! Many of the youth spend about half
their time in this pursuit. Let's face it. It happens.
Let's not fool ourselves. Such being the case, and
only because this is the case, have I felt the need to
write this essay.
Lord Byron said that hope is a scarlet cheeked harlot.
It's cheap and difficult to keep. Such an outlook, I
think, comes from never having succeeded at something.
It's borne out of extreme pessimism. The loss of hope
is a condition I have seen in many brothers who, after
having frequented countless Islamic conventions, are
now old and wifeless. Another ISNA will arrive next
year and even though the brother will spend most of
his time in the hotel lobby he will never come to get
the email address of the woman of his dreams. He will
lose hope. He will return to the minimally attended
lectures going on and sit by himself, hoping to run
into a few friendly faces, with whom to wallow in that
thing called male-bonding. Let's face it, male-bonding
occurs because there is no fiancé to bond with. Not
having a fiancé is a consequence of not having what I
call an "Islamic Game." Well, here we have it. The
money article. How to approach successfully.
Do not let the title of this article fool
you. I am not out here suggesting that all of you men
become stalkers and pursuit-junkies. Remember, the
first rule is that pursuit signifies a lack of
control. Quit fooling yourself into thinking that a
woman is a prey and you are the predator. Those that
live life like this, instead of feeling content upon
finding a wife, lose interest because the hunt is
over. My predator brothers are not someone I would
like to associate with, much less a dignified Muslim
sister.
So, before I take the time out to suggest my
method for approaching sisters, let me first take a
moment to find out what are some present error prone
methods.
1) The Lone Sufi: The lone Sufi is the guy who
keeps his head down most of the time, muttering
comments to himself. He is smitten by one particular
girl (either that, or he has so little idea who he is
in love with that he has to close his eyes to think
about her). If his friends talk to him he may respond.
therwise he is more than satisfied sitting there in a
strange soliloquy of anthropomorphist zikr. The
rememberance of the beloved. Oh, and when the three
days are over, he will quietly exit stage left and
that will be the end of the convention and his
infatuation. He will depart without any leads. His
existence seems romantic in a tragic way. It would be,
I imagine, except this particular lone Sufi is now 29
year old and has been alone just way too long.
2) The Mad Maulana: This guy has a fatwa on every
girl. That hijab is too loose. Those jeans are too
tight. Where is the jilbab? She is not innocent enough
(and we know what that means). Basically this guy
hides his insecurity and his pickiness between his
theological commentary. If he is so religious, what is
he doing in the lobby with the rest of us? Exactly!
3) Religious Police: Like an Uruc-hai to a orc,
this is a stronger version of the Mad Maulana. At
least the maulana acknowledges the existence of
females (and seems willing to participate in some sort
of discussion). Religious Police does not face the
lobby. He turns his back away. He is concerned with
the salvation of his brother. Their salvation is his
wife. His commentary has only one theme: "Lower your
gaze brother!" - "Hell is hotter brother!" -
"Astaghfirullah, akh, that's someone's sister!"
4) The Guy Going to Med-School: Now this one has
something to offer. If he knew how to talk, he could
actually come out successfully from the convention. He
stakes out on his own, interjects himself into a
conversation with a girl he likes, and because he has
already gotten into med-school, has a lot to say. The
girls listen to him with wide open eyes. But, between
all the suggestive MCAT scores, the grades one needs,
and the best interviewing strategy, he has nothing
else to say. When the lecture is over, the girls walk
away. He is a failure. He would not even have a shot
with a cadaver.
5) The Dialectitian: Dialectic is a concept of
presenting information in which one touches on all
possible angles on a particular topic. A brother
practicing dialectic betrays uncertainty and
ambiguity. He struggles with sisters at ISNA because
he is unsure how much of his partying past he needs to
hide with this muhajibba sister. But when he meets a
more "liberal" girl, at say, APPNA, he is not sure how
much of his religiosity he needs to display. Thus, he
ends up presenting himself improperly. All of this is
a consequence of him not knowing what he himself
wants. This guy is a loser. He has no game because he
doesn't know who he is.
6) The omnipresent: Let me first say, the "o" is
not capitalized. Anyway, this guy knows the right
things to say, is truthful and appears to be a nice
guy. He can operate safely and successfully by himself
amidst the throng. He becomes the mack of ISNA. He
might even be a dork in his real life. But at ISNA he
is the top dawg. He could easily come out of the
convention and be content with that one particular
girl that any Muslim guy should die for. But since he
is a dork he gets too excited by his success. He tries
to make up at ISNA all the lost years of failed
approaches. He becomes restless. He is a malcontent.
He is not satisfied. He will go from one circle of
girls to another, spitting conversation, discussing
life, making "contacts" (if you know what I mean). He
does not know when to stop so he ends up with nothing.
So many times I have seen a brother reduced
to meaningless chatter because his initial advance was
rebuffed by a comment from a girl, such as "wow,
you're pretty weird," or, "yeah, no, we aren't going
anywhere later?" The six aforementioned
characteristics prevalent in my species are a
consequence of this. In my mind they are forgivable
offenses caused by that one particular force which men
just don't know how to deal with: the intimidation
induced by women. Yes, the lone Sufi, the omnipresent
player, the maulana and all the others are the way
they are in because of this. Women, and what fear they
induce in us, is what all this is about. It comes down
to the essential differences between how men court and
how women are courted. Basically, we guys develop all
our "methods" because we are chicken, don't know what
we are doing, or because we are plain confused on what
to do.
What Works? - The Battle Formation
So, brothaz, here is the plan. Approach the
potential woman of your dreams with a plan - like the
plan that the Sahaba used to have before battle. Use
my successfully implemented Battle-Formation Plan and
onto success you shall be.
First step, find the target. Amongst any one
target circle there is usually only one "prime
objective." Any one group of brothers must first
decide who this prime objective is. Whichever brother
is most interested (or has evidence to show that he is
more likely to succeed in conversation with the
prime-objective) becomes the Point Man in the cavalry.
First, he must send out the Scout. The Scout is a
sniper. His job is to zero in on the Prime Objective
and make certain that 1) there is no engagement ring
on her finger 2) that she does not have jack-rabbit
teeth or a hyena laugh 3) that she is free from some
severe deformity and 4) that she is not someone's
sister. The Scout, therefore, must be the most
knowledgeable and well travelled of the battle group.
He must also be reliable, and definitely have an
agreeable face. Scary Scouts just intimidate the
sisters.
Once the Scout has given approval, the march begins
with the Point Man leading his Wing Men. Then, here is
the critical moment - the Point Man must never become
abandoned by his Wing-Men. The supporting cast is as
important as the Point Man. If the Point Man is
abandoned due to the laziness or the ineptitude of his
Wing Men the point Men will be surrounded by a bunch
of sisters and will either be severely embarrassed or
resort to one of the aforementioned defensive
mechanisms - which always lead to failure.
It is the job of the Point Man to directly
make his way to the Prime Objective. The Wing Men
must, I repeat must, entangle themselves in
conversation with the Prime Objective's primary and
secondary defenses (usually cousins or friends). This
conversation can be lame, sorry, boring or any of the
above. But remember, a Point Man's friends are
supposed to a reflection of his personality so I don't
suggest such boring conversation. The best Wing Men
are guys that already have girls. Hitched wing-men are
able to have something besides you to talk about and
can lower the defensives very swiftly. Anyhow, this
should be enough time for the Point Man to establish
contact (uh, verbally, of course) with the Prime
Objective. I can't tell you how things work from
there. Sheesh, am I supposed to tell you what to say
now?
Anyhow, there are some additional tactics
which are not available to some brothers: Espionage.
Find a brother with a fiance or a wife, get his
approval, and ask her to enter "that circle of
sisters" and dig up all the information out of the
Primary Objective. In so doing you will be able to say
all the right things when, and if, you manage to
approach her. If you are privy to some secret
information about the Prime Objective you can totally
forego the support of your Wing-men and stake out on
your own. But Mr. Bond, just remember, when you get
shot down, you're on your own. Oh, and if you succeed,
just be sure not to get caught with your spy later on.
Well, there you are brothers. Follow the
battle formation and find your soulmate. No one said
that it would be easy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A talented sista' responded in with this-
brothas get with it! ;)
The Art of Being Pursued
Being Ogled and Approached at Islamic Conventions
by Another Random Desi Chick
www.notafatwa.tk
Alright, let me preface this article by saying that I no way
advocate what is posted on this site. This is merely a response
to 'Approaching Sisters at an Islamic Convention.'
Let me begin by stating this of course does not apply to all or even
a majority of the girls that attend these events. It is simply MY
observation. My first step will be to describe in as much detail as
possible on 9:30 Tuesday morning at my desk while eating my
breakfast:
1) the Hijabi-no-doubt-about-it-Pact---these girls include those no-
nonsense girls that are at the conference to LEARN, that's right,
people do actually come to these events for reasons other then
hooking up. These girls do not tolerate any form of socializing and
consider it in bad taste to even consider matrimonial prospects at
such a gathering. Avoid them. If one of them really catches your eye
and strikes you as the kind of girl you want to be with, find out
who her parents are, and have your folks approach them.
2) The Hardly Hijabis-these are the girls that cover their heads
with scarves but continue to wear those tight pants, short sleeves
or skirts that end more then a respectable distance between ankle
and leg. These girls vary, they can be those who are covering for
their parents sake, who handed them a scarf and stood menacingly
over them until they tied it around their head, or they may be those
lot that are doing it because all of their friends are. Either way,
these girls are neither here nor there. I don't say avoid them until
they figure it out. Chances are they are going to stay this way
until some guy or other influence comes along and offers them some
direction. If you see one you like with potential, go for it.
Perhaps you'll be the one to inspire her, for good or bad now,
that's a whole other story. Keep in mind, however, these girls do
tend to be flaky, but that comes with the territory.
3) The hot-hijabis-this is that group of girls you look at, don't
deny it, we know you're looking and are like, "holy cow, I didn't
know a hijabi could look so damn good." Brother man, believe it,
cause they can and they do! These are the hijabis for the religious
boys who want a respectful, religious girl who isn't a fundamental
(see super-religious hijabi pact above). These girls know how to
cover properly and in style. They are the ones inventing all those
new fashions with pinning the hijab on top of the head instead of
the usual under the chin or in the back bit. In addition to the
style element, these girls tend to be educated, and as normal as
hijabis get. They hang out, have fun, joke around, and oh my even
talk to boys. They do everything in a respectful manner and are very
careful to maintain it. When approaching these girls, be honest and
sincere. They can see through fake mullas in a second. These are the
girls non-hijabis don't mind being friends with because they aren't
judgmental or imposing their own religiousness upon them.
4) Homey-G Hijabis-We all know these girls. They are our thug
brother version in female form. They rock the Tims, the big baggy
clothing, all that FUBU gear and even though they may be from
eastern Pennsylvania, they will speak like they just got off the 6
train in the boogey down Bronx. These girls are ideal for their
counterparts, the thugged out brothas. These girls usually wear
hijabs, and sometimes they let their ears poke out so that they can
wear giant hoop earrings. I think my favorite homey g sista that I
encountered at ISNA was wearing one of those, "Its all good under
the hood," tshirts. Often these girls are intimidating, so I cant
say I've gotten to know many, or any of them well to comment
further.
5) Maulana Hoochie Mama-These girls have no shame, they wear what
they want, and act how they want. They are, to put it no other way,
disgusting. I am not commenting on their actions, as that's their
choice. But they often show up at a conference in clothes they'd
wear out clubbing. These girls are the ones that wear stiletto heel
open toed shoes even if there is snow on the ground outside. These
girls are often found congregating outside the hotel doors smoking
to look cool strategically positioned near a group of young guys who
may or may not be looking. These girls are trouble. They are good
for the guy who is looking to get some action, as NOT ALL, but many
will be happy to provide it. Don't worry, it isn't just the guys
looking to get some, these girls are probably scouting for a fine
young ISNA participants to join them later in Room 3412.
6) The Society Girls- And then we have the group of girls who don't
fall into any of the above categories. These girls are usually
trendy without being tasteless and dress for the occasion. They
don't always don a scarf on their head, but its handy for the azaan
and what not. These girls are also pretty genuine. They don't care
that they aren't as religious as those around them. They aren't
seeking the mullah man. These girls are often the types that book a
room at the Isna convention, but conveniently forget to register for
the conference itself. These girls are sly and can cast impressions
of all kinds. They range from the super conservative non religious
type, to the wild and crazy completely unaware of religion girl. On
both extremes, they are usually educated and aware of their
decisions. They are seeking counterparts at a conference such as
this because, well, lets face it, it increases their chances
exponentially because of volume. These girls meet their men at the
Isna after party at whatever the cool local joint may be. These
girls are often opinionated and not afraid to speak out. They seek
corporate types, mds to be, older sophisticated men. They know what
they are after and once they've filtered the potentials and deem
them unworthy focus on having fun.
So I didn't actually address the title of my essay. But its after
lunchtime now, and I have to do what it is that I get paid the big
bucks for. So, hold tight. I'll complete this after busy season or
at some other point.
Also, girls, and I know girls are like this, relAXXXXXXXXXXXX, I'm
just generalizing, no need to get all worked up...this isn't about
YOU. Its merely a comedic piece on the women of ISNA. If you can sum
it up better, go for it, just don't forget to forward me a copy.
Ok so on to our game plan. Girls are much more simple then guys. We
walk around and wait for a guy to come and talk to us. None of this
what should I say, should I get my friend to go up to her, how
should we do it nonsense. We see someone we like and if he happens
to be looking our way also and our eyes lock for an instant longer
then they should we've done our job. Now he has to come and talk to
us. Then we can keep walking around in circles at the booths waiting
and hoping that he's following us and just trying to get the balls
to come up to us. My other favorite girl thing to do is stand near
him and his boys. We decide we'll just hang out near him until he's
as convinced as one can be without us holding a sign up that we want
him to come talk to us. Some boys are slick enough to pick this up,
but the majority of them are still either too damn shy or just not
interested. The ones that aren't interested are smart enough to not
look at us again or just walk away. We get the hint. Those of us
that keep stalking you, I apologize on their behalf. Girls if you're
reading this, stop acting pathetic. If they don't want to talk to
you, they're idiots, MOVE ON. The bold girl sometimes asks her guy
friends, class fellows, whatever it is you want to call those guys
you know and talk to, if they know of the guys in the group and then
the necessary introductions are made. I have to admit, its a lot
simpler on our ends when it comes to the actual interactions. Guys
at some level expect us not to like them, so even getting out of the
situation is easy. We signal to our girlfriends, they take the hint
and get rid of the undesired object.
Last but not least, I mention my favorite part of these conventions.
It has to be all the girls and guys that meet online a couple of
months before the conference and begin asking, "Will you be at isna
this year?" The planning begins the conference serves as meeting
ground for the online lovers. Some are fortunate, others.....well,
he wasn't kidding when he said he was 5'2, almost 100 pounds with
glasses braces buck teeth and pimples. For anyone out there to fits
this description, don't take it personally you're still loveable,
but for the same reason I'm not Halle Berry, you're no Pierce
Brosnan. And that boys and girls is all I can offer on this subject.
Please forgive the quality of this writing. But you have to admit
its not bad downtime at work. Besides, how do I explain 'Maulana
Hoochie Mama' to my manager who came over and looked at my
screen?!?!!? There's a reason why we don't use our real names on
these things!
Entertainment | Announcements | Misc | Poetry | InLovingMemory
Quotes | Contact Info | Links
