From Toshiya With Love

by Arashi

Part 2

*Dear XX. The show has started out slow. It usually happens that way
at the beginning of a tour. People have no idea what they're in for,
so they keep their guards high and it will take longer for them to
start to relax and have a good time. Well, we were having a good
time, so it finally won them over. I forgot everything that was
happening, all of my worries fading as I stepped on the stage and
nothing existed in my mind else than music.

It seemed that everyone was in that mood because we were having a
blast. I hadn't felt so relaxed since a long while. The stress of the
upcoming tour added the 'problems' with Kaoru had gotten to me. As we
played I realized how much of a wreck I'd been lately. Now,
everything just felt…good…The sound of our music blasting deafeningly
in the atmosphere, the lightings moving and changing, everything was
so intense…And then…*

***

Toshiya wasn't aware how beautiful he looked while he played. His
eagerness reflected softly on his features as he pinched the cords of
his bass energetically, moving along the beat of Shinya's drums, and
even during the harder songs he emitted some sort of serenity. One of
the guitarists did notice the way Toshiya glowed and he'd steal
secret glances at him once in a while, a mysterious smile on his lips.

Shinya was putting all of his energy on his drums, his sharp ear
listening to the pace of everyone's music, making sure they all
followed each other. The music was solid tonight; they all fitted
each other perfectly. The show was going well and it progressed too
fast, they were already leaving for the last encore. They all ran
backstage, the sound of the fans ringing in their ears. Toshiya was
smiling, everything was going great, and this probably was one of
their best performances ever. He was waiting in the dark, huddled
with the others, waiting until the fans' screams were loud enough for
them to play their finale. He sighed happily. This was what life was
all about. He realized he was leaning on someone and stepped aside,
turning around with an apologetic smile. Kaoru grinned back at him.

Toshiya felt his heart becoming light like a feather, fluttering in
his chest as Kaoru got closer to him… "Shall we get back?" Kaoru
asked, well, screamed in his ear.

Toshiya nodded obediently, a numb happiness having taken place within
his soul. So close to him… he wanted to stay that way longer, but
they had to get back to the stage!!

The screams' intensity was taken to a whole new level as the members
of Dir en Grey ran back onstage to put the finishing touch on
tonight's performance. Last song was played energetically, and then
they all went in front to bow… Toshiya felt two arms suddenly
wrapping his waist, and he felt a flicker of hope. *Kaoru.* But the
arms were thinner. Shinya, of course it was Shinya. It was what
they'd both willingly decided, to act over friendly to have a
little revenge over Die and Kaoru, and see if they cared at all.
*Well, let's stick to the plan,* Toshiya thought.

Shinya took place beside Toshiya, an arm still casually placed around
his waist, and Toshiya imitated him, pulling Shinya a little closer,
and they bowed like that, giggling a little, exchanging a knowing
look. Toshiya glanced to his right, were the others were hanging out.
No physical contact between anyone else…and Kaoru was looking at him
and Shinya. It was now or never. Toshiya smiled, blew a kiss to the
crowd then pretended to lose his balance and landed a kiss on
Shinya's cheek. Shinya turned around, keeping the contact of
Toshiya's lips until both of their mouths touched quickly, then
Shinya turned around shyly. He bowed again and disappeared backstage.
Toshiya felt awkward, Kyo now on his side, giving him a shove to urge
him out. Toshiya took the hint and ran out. Kaoru had seen him; he
couldn't not have seen him. But Kaoru looked as calm as ever as he
appeared backstage.

*Of course he wouldn't care, he's with Die. Why do I always have such
stupid ideas? And what is that weird way Shinya has of looking at me
just now?*

Toshiya tried to catch his eye but Shinya turned away quickly. A wave
of depression started dragging Toshiya down with it once again. The
show was over. And all Toshiya had waiting for him was that cold
hotel room, that cold bed, these cold sheets…and the only thing he
needed to warm it up was Kaoru's presence… But he wasn't good enough
for Kaoru…* Kaoru…why is he so perfect? Why is his smile so
beautiful? Why is it not aimed at me?*

****

"Calm down, please calm down will you?"

Kaoru tried to relax as Die's skillful hands kneaded his shoulders,
trying to massage the tension away. But…he couldn't just calm down.
They were both sitting on Kaoru's bed; it was getting late but Kaoru
would never find sleep if he remained in that state…

"I just…can't accept it… I thought there was a chance…despite what he
saw the other day…but now…"

Kaoru sighed. Die's hands left his shoulders and his long arms
embraced Kaoru, pulling him into his lap.

"Thanks," Kaoru said, leaning into the guitarist's arms. It wasn't
right to keep running into Die's arms; even more so since he was
Toshiya's best friend, but…

"It was just a kiss, you know," Die pointed out nonchalantly. "A
pretty innocent one at that. Not like what we had…"

"Yeah well, love stories tend to begin with a kiss," Kaoru said
wearily. "I can't accept it…"

For such a long time his heart had beaten only for Toshiya… but what
he'd just witnessed…that kiss with Shinya…it had been so sweet…it had
looked so meaningful… But it was only fair, really. Toshiya had seen
him with Die… at a moment when they had both lost control… He'd seen
them kiss hungrily like animals…

Kaoru had gotten much closer to Die since he'd confessed his feelings
for Toshiya… Kaoru had had to tell someone or he'd have gone crazy…
choosing Toshiya's best friend to ease his mind hadn't been the best
idea, but it had just popped out of his mouth and he couldn't take
the words back now…

"Do you love someone?" Kaoru asked Die suddenly.

"Who, me? Love someone?" Die smirked. "Not when I see what it does to
people…"

"Really…" Kaoru said, smirking back. "But your life must feel empty
then, cause you've taken the habit of jumping on innocent people
kissing them at the wrong moment…"

"Hey!" Die exclaimed, a betrayed expression on his face. "You kissed
back! You did more than that actually so don't go throwing
accusations at me!"

"Well, you are a good kisser," Kaoru said, his voice trailing. "How
could I resist?" he asked, still not moving from Die's embrace.

"You should learn to," Die said slowly, his lips then descending
swiftly upon Kaoru's, pulling him into a very passionate and intimate
kiss. Kaoru moved against him, his eyes closed in bliss as Die's
tongue explored his mouth roughly… Die opened his eyes, observing
Kaoru for a while…he seemed so dreamy… Die shut his eyes once more,
enjoying the meaningless but still highly satisfying kiss…

"You think that Toshiya would like to find out that you think about
him when you're kissing me?" Die asked when he broke off the kiss,
panting.

"You're starting to know me too much," Kaoru grumbled. "How did you
know that?"

Die shrugged. "You looked too happy."

"You don't sound like it bothers you," Kaoru observed.

"It doesn't."

And it was true. Die loved Kaoru like a brother. Their kisses were
pleasant, but Die didn't really feel anything more than that. Maybe
it did bruise his ego a little to have Kaoru think about Toshiya when
they were together, but then it would have been abnormal if he didn't.

"You think he's with Shinya?" Kaoru asked.

Die shrugged. "Well you're with me, so…who can tell?…"

Kaoru looked down weakly. "It's true I shouldn't ask too much from
him… I am in his best friend's arms, for God's sake…" He started
looking even more depressed.

"Kaoru," Die said slowly, grabbing Kaoru so that they now faced each
other. "With all the respect I have for you, GET A GRIP! End this! Go
see Toshiya, be honest with him! For all we know he must be convinced
we are together!"

Kaoru nodded. "I am being a wimp." He started getting up. "I'll go
see him then… Do you have the slightest idea how nervous I am about
doing this?" he asked.

Die smiled and got up, hugging him. "You can do it. I want to have
you two together…"

"Thanks… Die, listen."

Die looked up curiously.

"Whatever we have together, let's end it now, okay? Whatever happens -
or doesn't happen with Toshiya, I still think you and I have gotten
too close and stepped over the borders of friendship… So…let's not
kiss again…" Kaoru shrugged, looking uncomfortable.

"That's okay, I understand," Die said with a smile. "Good luck."

Kaoru thanked him again, and they both left the room, Die going to
his own and Kaoru heading for Toshiya's, his heart racing nervously
and his palms moist…

****

Toshiya had his arms crossed, staring at Shinya who stood at the
other side of the room.

"What about stopping all of this right now?" he suggested. "They're
together, we can't do a thing about it and they really wouldn't give
a shit even if we got undressed in front of them."

Shinya frowned and crossed the room. "Who said they're together."

"Oops," Toshiya uttered in a low voice.

"What!?" Shinya said impatiently, his voice a tad pissed off.

Toshiya put an arm on Shinya's shoulder. The drummer winced but
didn't move away. "I saw them kissing. In the early stages of
undressing actually…"

Shinya looked taken aback, but then he stared at Toshiya
accusingly. "And you didn't even tell me, you idiot! If I had known
it was such a lost cause…"

Toshiya pouted guiltily. "Sorry… I didn't want to hurt you when I
believe that there still might be hope…but they didn't even look at
us twice tonight. Kaoru doesn't care. Die doesn't care…"

At these words Shinya's face darkened and his heart squeezed. "I
can't believe it," he said in a dismal tone of voice. He hugged
himself, looking lost. "I thought maybe Die would realize he
cared about me if he saw us together… I was wrong…"

A knock suddenly sounded at the door, and both men jumped, looking in
that direction. Toshiya ran to the door on tiptoe, peering through
the hole. He excitedly motioned Shinya to come close. Shinya lift his
eyebrows and looked too. Kaoru… He glanced questioningly in Toshiya's
eyes, wondering what he was planning to do… but Toshiya looked like
he was panicking.

"What do we do?" he whispered desperately.

Shinya shrugged and put his hand on the knob, turning it with a look
at Toshiya's alarmed face. What the hell, Toshiya had to get a grip.
Shinya opened the door wide and smiled at Kaoru.

"Hey, what's up?" he asked simply, taking in Kaoru's surprised, and
somewhat dismayed expression. Then Shinya felt Toshiya's arms snaking
around his waist, and the blue head rested itself on Shinya's
shoulder.

"I supposed you came to see me?" Toshiya said, smiling sweetly, ever
so innocently, his arms pulling Shinya's body close.

Shinya kept his mouth from gaping open, while Kaoru got a hang of
himself and gave a friendly smile, even if his heart was sinking
lower and lower…

"Yeah, of course I did. But I must be disturbing you… Are you guys
together? If I may ask…"

Shinya decided to play Toshiya's game, as Kaoru seemed to be affected
by their little so-called relationship…

"Are we together, Toshiya?" he asked coyly.

"You know, Kaoru, there are some things in life which shall remain
unanswered," Toshiya said with a quick glance into Kaoru's betrayed
eyes, putting a short kiss on Shinya's cheek, holding him tighter.
Shinya almost purred, stretching his neck so that he revealed his
soft, irresistible throat. Toshiya smiled and smothered it with
little kisses, setting his eyes on Kaoru, who looked definitely
disgusted.

"Oh, sorry," Toshiya said with an apologetic smile. "We're just
feeling a little too loving tonight."

"Wanna join us?" Shinya asked with a flirtatious smile.

"On what drugs are you two on," Kaoru groaned, feeling like he was
about to throw up. "I'm leaving."

"Wait," Shinya said, "you sure you don't want to see Toshiya's naked
little butt?"

"Shinya!!!" Toshiya exclaimed, blushing, meeting Kaoru's eyes then
looking away in embarrassment. Was he imagining things, or had Kaoru
really turned red? He couldn't check now; Kaoru had turned around
with a half-hearted goodnight, and was leaving, his pace heavy.

"But Kaoru, his butt really is cute!" Shinya said loudly, "You're
missing something!"

Toshiya threw him a murderous look and pushed him away.

"Sorry," Shinya whispered sheepishly, his eyes downcast. "That really
was too much…"

"And out of character if I may say so… now he'll just think we're two
bitches in heat…"

"Well, he did look jealous," Shinya pointed out. "Shall we keep this
charade up a little while longer?" he asked.

Toshiya shrugged. "I don't know… At least Kaoru showed some reaction…
But I'd like to know why… He's with Die after all."

"That's your theory," Shinya objected. "Do we have proofs?"

"You don't believe what I saw?" Toshiya asked with a little challenge
in his voice.

"I think we better ask before jumping to conclusions…"

"I guess…"

"Oh well," Shinya said, turning to leave with a shrug, "that was fun.
Goodnight, darling," he said, the last word sarcastic.

"Yeah. Goodnight my love," Toshiya said half-heartedly. Were they
doing the right thing? Shouldn't they just be honest?

*Kaoru, I love you… I want you to care. I know that if you feel
anything for me, then what you just saw must have been painful. But…
I'm dreaming here. There's no way you could love me, so there's no
way I could hurt you. I guess I can smile about that at least…

Toshiya
Kaoru's Toshiya. Forever. *



~to be continued~

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