From Toshiya With Love

by Arashi

Part 4

Kaoru was up early that morning. His dreams had been haunted by the
unceasing image of Toshiya sneaking behind Shinya, bringing him in
his arms, and kissing him, so sensuously yet in such a carefree way,
right in front of Kaoru's disbelieving eyes…

What they did within their bedroom walls wasn't any of Kaoru's
business. Why had he had to witness such a thing, at such a moment?
Right when he'd been about to confess! Since when were these two
together anyway? And why had Kaoru taken for granted that Toshiya
would stay single? Toshiya was beautiful, friendly, and so much
smarter than people often gave him credit for! It was obvious he
wouldn't stay alone; in fact, it was surprising he hadn't started
dating a band member long before.

Kaoru spent most of the day in his room, moping on the wrinkled
sheets, only moving to let the maid do her job… He stayed inert,
listening to music and thinking, getting depressed. He felt like he
was losing something…something too important for words. He was
getting old…maybe not that hold, but he wanted to find love soon…true
love…he wanted to find love with Toshiya, God knew how much he loved
him already… but Kaoru hadn't been able to go toward him. He'd kept
waiting, wanting to see if Toshiya felt something for him first, but…
the way Toshiya acted with him was the same way he acted with his
other band mates. Still, Kaoru had kept waiting, patiently hoping…
and now he'd waited too long.

When he got out of his room it was almost time to hop into the bus
and get to the place where they would performing tonight. He went
down to the lobby, where Kyo was already hanging out, wearing
sunglasses. Kaoru smiled, he hadn't done anything to hide his
identity, but a least the hotel was a quiet one…

"Hey Kyo!" he greeted. "What's up?"

Kyo shrugged. "Nothing much to do here, I walked through the
neighborhood and it wasn't very, uh, stimulating. What about you? You
look tired."

Kyo paused before replying, surprised. Kyo wasn't usually that
observant. "Do I look that terrible?" he asked. "I had a hard time
sleeping, the tour is making me nervous," he lied.

Kyo lifted his eyebrow under his dark lenses. Since when was their
mighty leader so unsure of himself?

"Don't lose sleep over it, you know we did great yesterday."

Kaoru agreed, but still…

He was interrupted by Toshiya's entrance. With Shinya by his side. Of
course, they were together, they'd probably spent the night in each
other's company. They'd made it quite clear yesterday… Kaoru greeted
them, keeping his face expressionless save for that trademark pout of
his. He couldn't know, of course, that Shinya had stopped by
Toshiya's room only five minutes ago so that they could carry their
luggage down together…

Toshiya's heart squeezed as he entered the lobby, seeing Kaoru
looking so drained, so worn out, even if he was trying to seem
indifferent. Before he knew what he was doing, some sudden impulse
pushed Toshiya toward Kaoru, until he was standing right in front of
him. Kaoru smiled politely, almost coldly. His stare made Toshiya's
throat feel dry suddenly, and he didn't trust himself to speak. He
cleared his throat.

"Ready for tonight?" he asked innocently, feeling somewhat foolish
with the meaningless question, but thankful he was able to keep his
voice steady.

"As always," Kaoru shrugged, not meeting his eyes, his sight hovering
somewhere on the top of Toshiya's forehead.

"Kaoru," Toshiya started nervously, trying unsuccessfully to meet his
eyes. He studied the ground, a mosaique of pastel colored tiles, and
spoke up. "I'm really sorry about yesterday. The way I acted…and the
way Shinya acted…was really rude. I wanted to apologize."

"That's okay. It's my fault for disturbing you so late," Kaoru
alleged with a short, humorless laugh.

"Well…what did you want anyway?" Toshiya wanted to know, lifting his
eyes so that they locked with Kaoru's, engaging in a short but
intense stare. Kaoru wanted to lie, but Toshiya's gaze was too
scrutinizing, and he couldn't offer anything but the truth to these
dark eyes… But he couldn't say anything of the likes either, so he
answered evasively, looking away, saying that it was not really
important. Still Toshiya's eyes were on him, trying to catch his own,
but Kaoru carefully avoided them.

"You look tired," Toshiya commented. "Are you okay?"

Such concern in these few words! Suddenly, Kaoru wanted to spill the
whole truth, but it would be to no avail; Toshiya was with Shinya,
and all he'd achieve by declaring his love would be to merely make
Toshiya feel bad for him. So Kaoru kept quiet and nodded, trying to
discourage Toshiya from any further conversation.

But Toshiya wouldn't comply; he couldn't simply stand there in front
of a beat up Kaoru without trying to make him feel better. A hug,
maybe a simple hug would do the trick. Okay, so it would definitely
make Toshiya feel better, but still…

Toshiya braced himself and took one step closer, and another, until
he found himself inches from leaning on Kaoru's whole frame, and then
he slowly brought his arms around Kaoru, one above his shoulders and
one under them, without daring to as much as glance at his face in
fear of finding a sign of hesitation or rejection. But, wait, Kaoru's
arms were surrounding him slowly, yes, they were touching his back,
and suddenly, a gust of affection made Toshiya's arms close tightly
in a strong embrace. His nose was in Kaoru's hair; its simple, manly
fragrance enfolded Toshiya, an, added to Kaoru's tight if unmoving
hold, it was enough to send the blue head in a state of ecstasy.

"Please take care of yourself," Toshiya said in his ear, speaking
softly, patting his back awkwardly.

He felt Kaoru squeeze a little tighter then let go, looking up at
Toshiya with a little smile and a nod. "Thanks," he said simply.

Toshiya smiled and turned around, stepping back to Shinya's side, his
heart dancing. His whole being felt suddenly so light, as if the
softest blow of wind would send him flying in the endless sky… But
Shinya was his complete opposite, a dark brooding figure standing
like a statue beside the small fountain which occupied the center of
the lobby. Toshiya noticed that Die had come in and was keeping
quieter than usual as well…

"You really should apologize to Die," Toshiya advised the drummer in
a low whisper. "I just did, to Kaoru, kind of… It really made me feel
better."

Shinya shook his head. "I don't need too. What happened this morning
is Die's own fault! I'm not gonna start apologizing when he's
responsible to!"

"You're too stubborn, Shinya," Toshiya said.

Shinny shrugged. "So is he, in his own way. And frankly, I'm starting
to think it's too much work to continue liking him… Maybe I should
stop trying altogether."

"Shinya," Toshiya said dryly, "what kind of an attitude is that? That
slap must have hurt his feeling, and now you're thinking of just
stopping to talk to him? Do you think that's a good idea?"

"Well.. it's not like I'll stop talking to him completely, but… I
don't know…I…" Shinya felt too discouraged to even end his sentence.

"Come on, smile!" Toshiya said encouragingly, opting for a friendlier
approach, taking Shinya's face between his two hands and prompting a
smile by softly pushing his cheeks up with his thumbs. Shinya looked
down shyly, Toshiya's fingers leaving a slight blush on his cheeks.

"O..kay," Shinya said slowly, obeying with a half smile. Toshiya
grinned at him, and Shinya's smile spread wider.

"That's the spirit!" Toshiya glanced quickly at a clock on the
wall. "Oops, I think we better get going!"

The subject of Die was dropped altogether as they got prepared for
the next performance, and Shinya was careful not to put himself in
any situation where he'd have to talk to Die. Instead, he spent his
time with Toshiya, his mood lifting slowly as they kidded around… And
as he watched the bassist he started to think that maybe he was the
kind of person he needed… Nice, friendly, understanding without being
afraid of giving a good kick in the butt when necessary… He'd never
make Shinya cry… and Shinya wouldn't make him cry either… Toshiya…

***

"You're kidding. Shinya and Toshiya together!"

Die was gaping at Kaoru, thinking he had heard wrong. They were done
with the sound tests and had some time left to hang out before the
beginning of the show, so Kaoru had come up to him, shooting him the
news.

"This is no joke," Kaoru groaned. "It's obvious they are!"

"Wait. Don't you know for sure?" Die asked. It really didn't make
sense in his head. Why would Shinya have gone crazy being teased
about Kaoru if he was with Toshiya already?

Anyways, no wonder Kaoru had looked down today. Maybe not depressed,
but down.

"I saw them together last night, when I was going to, you know,
confess to Toshiya. They put on a very, uh, interesting show, hinting
at the wild night they were about to have together, you see? Toshiya
apologized today," Kaoru added with a little smile, " but the way he
talked leaves no doubt in my mind that they're together. And it's
driving me crazy," he admitted.

Die still looked somewhat bemused. "It doesn't make sense. Why would
they go out together so suddenly, out of the blue? Neither of us saw
it coming…"

He lit up a cigarette, needing to keep himself busy, and went on. "I
just don't get it…"

For a moment he mused over everything that had occurred recently.
Shinya saying there was someone in love with Kaoru, then going crazy
when Die teased him about liking him… that had made Die believe
Shinya liked Kaoru. But if he was with Toshiya, then why this
reaction? Ah, and fuck it. What good was there in trying to analyze
Shinya anyway? That guy kept more secrets than any old crypt or
pyramid ever could hold… with the shortest temper Die had ever seen
added to that. Shinya was a freak…and Die couldn't stop thinking
about him even if he was supposed to be pondering on Kaoru and
Toshiya right now.

"Figure something out?" Kaoru asked after awhile of taking long drags
of his own cigarette.

Die shook his head. "I guess I can always ask Toshiya about their
relationship to make sure, but you make it sound pretty obvious.
Unless it was just a one night stand…"

"Yeah. Maybe it was only that," Kaoru supposed, still looking glum.
He didn't want to picture Toshiya in bed with Shinya, but his morbid
imagination had already created the image. "Damn, I hate that…"

***

Dies' eyes often travelled to the imposing drum set hiding Shinya's
slim figure during that night's performance, more often so than
usual. Shinya kept staring straight ahead, doing his job and nothing
more, hiding behind his bangs. He had the feeling Shinya had been
avoiding him today, probably because of that slap he'd given him this
morning. That was much like the Shinya he knew, trying to escape from
eventual apologies by keeping to himself instead. However, Shinya's
sudden relationship with Toshiya… no it didn't make sense at all, he
couldn't understand it. There was something wrong with everything
that was happening, and he couldn't put his finger on it.

Well, fortunately there wasn't anymore kissy-kissy surprise between
Shinya and Toshiya on the stage that night. That probably was a small
victory for Kaoru.

When the show was over they escaped in the tour bus, having to ride
it all night and a good part of the day after. That meant all of them
having to sleep in a confined area…together.

Toshiya was about to follow Die so he'd sit by his side and maybe
have a private talk with him when everyone was asleep—-he was still
convinced that Die was going out with Kaoru and he wanted to put
light on that point-—but Shinya took his arm and pulled him to the
other side of the bus. It was a small space, basically furnished with
long seat that could be used as a bed, so they weren't that far from
the others…but Toshiya couldn't have his talk with Die that way
either…

"Shinya, I really need to talk to Die," he hissed.

"No…don't leave me alone," Shinya pleaded.

Toshiya lifted his eyebrow; since when was Shinya so clingy? He must
still be upset over Die.. Toshiya sighed in submission. Then Shinya
got something out of his bag.

"Look what I brought with me," he said shyly, holding up the little
panda Toshiya had given him earlier. At which's sight Kyo, who had
been starting to get sleepy, opened his eyes wide and leaned forward
in surprise.

"Totchi, you gave him Dada-chan? I thought you'd never part with
him!" he exclaimed. He'd lived with Toshiya long enough to know that
it was a precious keepsake.

Toshiya shrugged, unaware that Kaoru was all ears. "Sometimes we have
to move on. And, I really wanted to give it to Shinya, I think he
needed something like that."

"I tried to refuse, but…" Shinya shrugged helplessly.

"You'll never cease to surprise me, Totchi," Kyo said, slumping in
his seat and resuming his sleep.

Kaoru was quiet. No matter what anyone said, the proofs of Toshiya
being not single anymore were piling up. Onstage kisses, loving late
night embraces and now, the exchange of a precious memento; it all
was too much to be coincidental. *Toshiya, why didn't I go to you
before it was too late? You can give me all the friendly hugs you
want, but in the end, everything is lost.*

***




*Dear XX
I can't sleep. I feel the wheels of the bus moving against the road,
with the soft, regular rumble of the motor. There's a low lamp
casting an eery glow, barely enabling me to see what I'm writing.
Kaoru seems to be sleeping soundly. I'm peering at him through the
darkness, squinting my eyes so that I can see him, observe him
despite that darkness… I stay like that a long moment, I could spend
the whole night just looking at him sleeping…
He's beautiful.
But wait. He's sleeping alone, he's not with Die! My dear best friend
is sleeping on a completely different bed. I'm grinning now, I can't
stop grinning! They haven't really acted like a couple since the
beginning of the tour, all they've been is a little secretive.
There's hope, there's HOPE! I know I shouldn't let my spirits lift
for no reason, but, other than that…scene I unfortunately witnessed,
it's starting to look like there's nothing between them! I can't
help but feeling relieved… Do you know how terrible it is to think
that the two most important people in your life have turned to each
other, leaving you behind? Do you understand how scared I am that it
will happen? I mean, it would be bad enough to lose Kaoru to someone
else…but losing my best friend to Kaoru? Having no one to turn to? I
don't want to think about it…
…
I reread what I just wrote. Maybe I'm being too optimistic about
Kaoru…but I still think I'll sleep easier tonight... Mou, Kaoru just
moved in his sleep and I can't see is face anymore. I guess I'll just
leave it at that and get some rest..
Toshiya, feeling…how exactly am I feeling?*

***

The sky was everywhere, above him, around him, under his feet, a
purple sky woven with stretching ribbons of white smoke, moving
against a warm, soft breeze that tickled Toshiya's skin when it
brushed it. There were black roses petals everywhere, twirling,
dancing with the smoke, offering an enchanting vision which Toshiya
admired for what seemed like an eternity, his eyes shining in awe. A
brilliant, shimmering light materialized far beyond, reaching Toshiya
through the smoke. Like an insect he was inevitably drawn to it,
walking toward it on the immaterial floor of smoke…
Something stopped him, grasping him from behind, restraining his
movement. Toshiya tried to turn around; the hold was tight and should
have scared him, but he felt strangely confident. A voice in his mind
told him to close his eyes. He complied without the least hesitation,
and suddenly felt a gentle mouth on his, a sweet, familiar scent
washing over him. He didn't have to open his eyes; he already knew
that mysterious person's identity. Without ever opening his eyes he
kissed back, picturing that person he knew so well yet so little,
relishing the first kiss with his true love… Who cared if it was a
dream, it was the most wonderful dream he had ever had, certainly
more fulfilling than reality ever could be. He could feel every
sensation as if they were real…the utter blackness of his closed eyes…
the sound of their lips and tongue meeting…the wonderful smell of his
hair…the sweet taste of his mouth…and the incredible sensation of
love caused by any of their touches…

Toshiya was starting to feel it all too well… the warmth of Kaoru's
mouth, the wetness of his tongue, the softness of his lips…

Suddenly Toshiya's eyes snapped open. The purple landscape had been
replaced by the shadowed tour bus, but the lips hadn't disappeared,
and he realized a thin body was lain over his, graceful fingers
entwined in his hair... Toshiya blinked his sleepy eyes, pushing the
other person away, trying to recognize his identity.

"Shh," came the familiar voice. "It's just me."

A hand had made its way on Toshiya's head once again, stroking it
lovingly.

"Shinya?!" he exclaimed, not understanding. "What are you doing here,
get back to sleep now!" he said in a low, trembling voice.

"Why? You didn't seem to hate it all that much just now," Shinya
stated in a whisper, his hands framing Toshiya's sleepy face. He was
now crouching beside Toshiya who lay unmoving, trying to recover from
his surprise.

"I was sleeping, Shinya." He frowned. "Why are you doing this?"

"It's fun abusing you in your sleep," he replied evasively.

"Shinya," Toshiya warned.

"I was just feeling lonely…I guess," Shinya admitted. He stroked
Toshiya's cheek slowly, his touch seeming a little too…loving…

Toshiya yawned. "You could have done that with Die. I'm sure he
wouldn't have minded."

"No, Toshiya, you don't understand," Shinya countered, sounding
serious. "I'm really thinking of letting it drop with Die… When I
look at you…I understand that there are far better people in this
world…People that were born to be with someone like me, people with
whom I get along naturally. Do you understand?"

Toshiya was afraid he understood too much. He nodded quietly, now
wide awaked, trying to forget the double meaning his word might
imply. Was he really speaking in generalities, or was he saying that
Toshiya was the one for him? Toshiya wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Why did you come to me?" he asked. " Are you using me to get Die out
of your mind?"

"I don't really know what I'm doing," he admitted. "I don't feel
like I'm using you, I just want to be close to you…just for now…" He
laid himself on top of Toshiya, resting his head on his chest. "I
feel like you're my only friend."

"That's not true Shinya, I'm not the only one who cares about you…
every one does, they just have a different way of showing it,"
Toshiya reasoned.

"Well, your the nicest of them all…"

Shinya lifted his head to look into Toshiya's eyes. "Can't I kiss you
again?" he asked, his voice sounding more shy now.

Toshiya frowned. "Why are you doing this?"

"It told you. I'm feeling lonely and you're my only friend," he
repeated patiently. "And I…I think I'm falling for you," he blurted
out, his cheeks crimson in the darkness. "I know you don't feel the
same now," he rushed on, "but maybe…someday…"

Toshiya shook his head. "This is not right, Shinya. You're saying
that now, but once things settle down with Die you'll turn to him
again."

"I told you, it can't work between me and Die! You're the one for me
Toshiya, you and no other!"

"Shh, Shinya, you're going to wake up the others…"

"Don't change the subject. Toshiya, I realized it today. I love you."

Toshiya wanted to argue, but who was he to judge Shinya's feeling?
They must feel true enough if he was willing to say these words to
Toshiya…

"Please…just let me kiss you. I won't ask for anything more." Shinya
was already lowering his face close to Toshiya's, lips half parted in
expectation. "Is that okay?…"

Toshiya agreed silently, orienting his lips up into Shinya's aim. It
was the least he could do for his friend… even if it might not
exactly be the best idea, here in that bus with all of their band
mates around…

They kissed tenderly, and Toshiya was starting to think that maybe
Shinya really just wanted of feel better… There was no blazing
passion in his kiss, only a simple desire for closeness and affection.

"I love you," Shinya whispered a little too loudly, surfacing. "I
can't tell you enough."

"Think what you want," Toshiya replied simply. He was pretty sure
Shinya didn't really love him, but the fact that he seemed to truly
believe so was making things worse. And Shinya's lips were already on
Toshiya's once more, playing with Toshiya's lips with the tip of his
tongue until he engaged a really sweet French kiss, so tender it was
almost innocent… It felt comfortable, being with Shinya in that
position… maybe it didn't rock his world, but Toshiya really liked it
nevertheless. He just hoped Shinya would understand that this wasn't
love at all, it was just…real close friendship, maybe?

Toshiya emerged out of the kiss, a slight, contented smile playing on
his lips. Shinya was beaming, his smile beautiful as he asked for one
last kiss… Toshiya raised his head and placed his hands around
Shinya's neck, pulling him down, starting to get addicted to these
sweet kisses… But, suddenly, some sort of sixth sense made his eyes
open wide and he looked around, beyond Shinya's relaxed face, in
Kaoru's direction. Sure enough, his eyes were opened, and his face
quite visible, illuminated by the nearby lamp. And he looked…
stricken. Toshiya's heart stopped beating, an icy coldness washing
over him. He held Kaoru's gaze, his lips moving against Shinya's
automatically as he felt Kaoru's pained eyes burning into his.
*Kaoru, no, it's not like that!* Toshiya panicked, ending the kiss
swiftly and pulling Shinya's head down on his chest. Kaoru turned
around, his back Toshiya, and didn't move anymore.

"Let's sleep okay?" Toshiya whispered in a broken voice.

Shinya didn't insist. He wondered why Toshiya had finished their kiss
in such a brisk way, but didn't think any further. He was in
Toshiya's arms now, and it felt as good as he would have thought.
That's was all he needed now, the caring embrace of a person who
really understood him…a person so easy to love… but, why was his
chest trembling now? Raising and falling sharply, irregularly?

Shinya lifted his head and saw a tear quietly roll down Toshiya's
perfect cheek. Toshiya was crying? *What have I done?* Shinya
wondered, *Is it because I kissed him?* Shinya called his name softly
but Toshiya kept quiet, shaking with uncontrollable, silent sobs.
Then he opened his eyes.

"Kaoru," Toshiya whispered, his voice barely audible for Shinya,
despite their closeness. "He saw."

No…NO! It wasn't supposed to be that way! Kaoru wasn't supposed to
see that! Shinya had only intented to act discretely, to make these
kisses a secret, a sweet memory he'd cherish… What had he done!?

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Shinya murmured, holding Toshiya tight.
Then he raised to go to his own bed. The last thing Toshiya needed
was for Kaoru to see them in each other's arm when he woke up… But
Toshiya was pulling him back down, close to him.

"I don't want to be alone," he whispered.

Shinya couldn't turn him down. He laid beside Toshiya, embracing him
once more. It took them a long time to fall back to sleep, but when
they did, they were still in each other's arms….

***


And here it ends for now. I'm not really confident with this part
though… O.o;;
I'm wondering if Toshiya's being too nice, and whether Shinya's
little crush on him is too sudden… That last little scene *had* to
happen, but I'm wondering if the way I wrote it is appropriate!
*pulls her hair out crazily*

If anybody wants to send comments they would be really, really
welcomed!!


~to be continued~

email Arashi

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