Die For Me

by Kagaya

Kagaya: This is my first attempt at writing a JRock fic.
I've made references to some texts only there to move the
story forward, so this is a mix of fact and fiction and not
something to make references of, unless you wanna write a
fic associated with it (I wouldn't mind ^^V).  Please don't
take offense of what some of the characters say of men,
women or yaoi fans etc.  Just because I write it doesn't
mean I agree with it; just the characters, and the characters
are just that: fictional.  There will be occational swear
words, italics means inner monologue, and if you have any
C&C they would be VERY MUCH appreciated ^__^

PART 1  

“Ne, Shinyakun...”   Die’s voice drawled lazily from the magazine he was reading, “How come you never discuss anything about love?”

   Shinya chose to ignore the redhead, refused to open his mouth, for fear of what pathetic confession that might just pop out.   He decided to focus on practicing his drums, but Die wasn’t about to let him off.   The guitarist set down the magazine on the couch and stood, walking over to the younger man, a mock serious expression on his face.

   “Your heart was deeply wounded in the past, wasn’t it, Shinchan?”

   “Don’t call me that.”   He cursed himself for looking up, for replying.   Why did they have to be the earliest two to arrive at the studio?   Where the heck were Kaoru and Kyo? No, scratch that; Shinya had a fair idea of what Dir en Grey’s other guitarist and their small, blonde vocalist were up to at this time in the morning.   But that still doesn’t excuse Toshiya’s lack of appearance!

   Die smiled – a malicious, mischievous grin that Shinya had, at first, thought of as pleasant.   How?   Shinya couldn’t answer himself.

   ‘Shows what a brilliant judge of character I am,’ he thought bitterly.

   Die stood straight, flipping his wild, long hair over his shoulders in an attempt at formality.   “Representing all of Shinya fans in the country,” he quoted Toshiya’s words from an old SHOXX interview, “what kind of lover /do/ you go for?”

   Then again, thank Kamisama Toshiya wasn’t here.   If both Toshiya and Die were with him, Shinya knew he’d really loose it.   He shrugged, looking at the door, wishing someone, anyone but just Toshiya, would enter.    Now.

   “Aw, you can tell me, Shinchan~ there’s no one else here!” He glared at the redhead, who smiled back at him in that obnoxious, irresistibly sweet manner of his and something melted inside of Shinya.   He flushed in silence, while Die prodded him for a few more minutes.

   ‘Doesn’t Die have anything better to do?’   Of course, Die was earlier today, so he must have finished setting up his equipment.    So what if his band mates and fans all wanted to know more about his personal life?   They wouldn’t like what they find anyway.   Shinya knew he wasn’t ready to tell it all. He didn’t even think he’d ever /want/ to tell it all!

“Shinchan~ onegai!   Everyone wants to know.   It’s not just me!”

   ‘Exactly,’ Shinya grimaced.   Die wasn’t really interested in Shinya.   Not the way Shinya wanted.   He just wanted to pass the gossip, boast about how much he knew about his ‘little brother’.    The drummer, who had been stewing for some time, suddenly felt his anger boiling over.

*

   / Will you be the one to hurt me whenever you’re around? Must you tease me until we both see red?   I never wanted this sort of life, to be the focus of idol worship and the subject of prejudices.   I chose this lifestyle because I can imagine no other.   I don’t want to look for what isn’t there. /

*

   “I don’t have a love life!”   He shouted, too upset to register the surprise in the other’s eyes.   “I never did!   I never will!” He intended to storm out of the room and hide somewhere – the washroom perhaps – and cry.   No one ever saw him cry.    ‘Over my dead body,’ he decided.   But a strong hand gripped his arm as he went past.   Shinya felt strangely detached from the rest of himself when he pivoted and watched in slow motion as he fell smack into Die’s chest.

   Time resumed its regular pace at the loud thump.   “Itai!” Shinya rubbed his nose with his freehand.   ‘Die’s chest is so hard!’    The guitarist released him when he realised that Shinya wasn’t going anywhere at the moment, his hand moving to Shinya’s face.

   “Did I break something?” He teased.   Shinya shot daggers at him, starting to simmer again.   “Ne, let me have a look.”    The redhead took Shinya’s hands and gentle pulled them away from the brunette’s face.   “There’s nothing missing or broken, as far as I’m concerned.   But,” his smile turned serious.

   “How can you say that you’ll never be with anyone?    Surely, you must have a girlfriend or someone...   You’re so pretty!” Shinya was trying to be angry at Die.   He really was.    Failing.

   “Am not,” he pouted.   His cheeks were heating up.    He tried to turn away.   Instead, he found that he missed the feeling of Die’s hands on him when they lifted.

“Are too,” Die laughed.

   “Am... not...” Half of him was happy with what Die said, but he had to remind himself.   Die wasn’t... like him.   Die doesn’t like men – let alone a childish, cross-dressing, temperamental... well... man.

   He couldn’t bear it, couldn’t stay any longer in the room with Die.    Alone.   He felt so alone.   Just like in the concert lives. Always at the back of the group because he was playing the drums. But then, what else did he expect?   It was his choice to play drums!

   The door opened suddenly and the rest of Dir en Grey came in. Die went over to Toshiya’s side, chiding the three of them for being late with a brood, friendly grin on his face.   Toshiya draped his arms round the redhead’s shoulders and moaned about how bad the traffic was on his side of the town.    Shinya settled back to watching them in silence, taking note of how Toshiya’s blue hair clashed, in his opinion, with Die’s blood red, the extra bounce in Kyo’s steps, and Kaoru’s avoidance of chairs without cushions for the rest of the day.

*

   / I’ll stay in the background, if you don’t mind.    I don’t like being singled out, as long as I’m not ignored. /

*

   Practice was satisfactory, if they don’t count the chords Kaoru lost every so often when Kyo drifted close, or one or two beats that Shinya had missed or added in when one of the 2K duo suggested Toshiya and Die could practice this new ‘act’ they’d thought up.   From where Shinya sat, it looked like pretty boy was giving Die head.   Toshiya caught Shinya glowering – er, looking – and stuck out his tongue, winking at him.   Kaoru caught that, and remarked how it would have such an affect on the fans if Toshiya stuck his tongue out like that at Die at Dir en Grey’s next live.   They took Shinya’s silence as agreement, and continued on with practice.

   “All right, let’s call it a day,” Kaoru finally announced. Shinya packed up as quickly as possible, without, he hoped, appearing to be in too much of a rush to leave.   He opened the door and walked out, coming face to face with, his idol, and their producer.

“Yoshikisan!”

   “Shinyakun,” the handsome blonde smiled pleasantly.    “Just the one I’m looking for.”

The drummer blinked, confused.   “Whatever for?”

   “SHOXX magazine has requested for another interview with you.” Yoshiki looked proudly at him.   “And this time, they want to interview you with Diekun.”

Did his heart just skip a beat?   “Na-naze?”

   His manager laughed and announced to the rest of the band, quite loudly, that he was under the impression that SHOXX were trying to “uncover the secret relationship between Shinya and Die.”

   Die laughed.   Everyone laughed.   Shinya laughed, too - though, secretly, he didn’t see what was so funny.

   The interview lasted too long, from Shinya’s point of view. It memory of it continued to plague him after the actual questions and answers were exchanged.   Leaning over the sink, Shinya had finished removing his makeup and was splashing his face with cold water.   He was still trying to forget everything.

   ‘In our last interview with Dir en Grey, we asked Shinyakun what was his ideal love.   He replied with the answer, “What did Diekun say?”    Now, we, the staff and readers, would like to know, what /did/ Diekun say to Shinyakun?’

‘Maa… Shinya, which bit of what I said were you referring to?’

   Shinya had the distinct feeling he was being cross-examined by both the reporter and Die.   He didn’t like it.   It was annoying question after annoying question, tumbling out and piling up and over each other until Shinya was convinced that he was going to suffocate before their very eyes underneath the weight of them.

   ‘While we are on the subject of love, we were wondering, what type of women do you two like?   Shinyakun?”

   Women who wouldn’t ask too many questions.   Women who would know well enough to leave him alone, like men do.   He was surprised that the reporter was actually male when he first sat down, but then, there must be male yaoi fans as well as female. Wonderful.   Funny how Kyo said, ‘I don’t like men’, on stage. Funny how he’s sleeping with Kaoru.

   ‘Diekun also said, being with Shinyakun “was a bit like having a first date with someone.”   What an interesting way to put it, isn’t it, Shinyakun?’

The young man felt mortified at the memory of it.

   ‘Ne, Shinyakun, I want to know, too.   Why do you act like you don’t belong in the band anyway?’

*

   / You always have to pull me out of the crowd, put me on the hot seat before the reporters with their too-intimate questions and harsh critique. /

*

   Die had looked so sincerely at him in the interview, it made Shinya want to cry.   Of course, he couldn’t cry, not at the interview, or anywhere else.    He didn’t know how anyway.   What would Die think if he suddenly broke down and said that he /didn’t/ feel like a part of the band?    That he always felt like some sort of fifth wheel?   That he wanted so much for Die to understand, yet...

   No, it was best to shut up.   Shut up and they’d leave you alone.   Shut up and they’d lose interest and go away, just like he learned at school.   Ignore it and it won’t hurt you.

   But he didn’t want them to leave him alone!   Most of all, he didn’t want Die to leave him.   Why did Shinya have to make himself so hard to live with?

   His tears washed down the sink before he could recognise them. Before long, Die came and found him.

   “Shinchan, what’s the matter?”   Arms were around him again, tugging him lightly at the waist.   Shinya’s breath caught in his throat.   He gave no reply for a while, let Die hold onto him, trying not to feel guilty for taking advantage of the situation when the redhead didn’t know what he felt.

   He refused to look up into the mirror, didn’t want Die to see him like this.   Why did Die have to come in at this moment? Wouldn’t it look strange if someone came in and saw them standing like this?

   “Diekun...   Let go,” he said unwillingly, turning around to face him.   “Someone might have the wrong idea if they come in and see us.”

   “I thought you said you don’t care what other people think.” Die teased affectionately.   He tensed when he saw the wet trails running down Shinya’s face.   “Why are you crying?”    The concern in his voice was utterly heart-breaking.

   “I... I’m…?”   He hesitantly raised his hands to his face, gasping when he touched the wetness there.

“Don’t you know when you cry?”

   Shinya shook his head, answered something he didn’t remember, but it didn’t matter.   Die pulled out a few pieces of tissue from the dispenser and began to softly pat away the tears on Shinya’s face.

   He didn’t think it was Die standing there.   It must have been someone else.   Yoshiki or someone, being so nice to him.    It couldn’t be Die; Die teases him and makes fun of him, always tries to make his life miserable.   But it was, wasn’t it?

“Diekun?”

“Nani?”

   “Why are you doing this?” His words were spoken so softly, Die had to crane forward to hear them.

   “Why am I doing what?   Shinyakun,” he tilted Shinya’s face so that he could see his eyes when he answered.

   “Why are you suddenly being so nice to me?   You act like you care.”

   For a moment, Shinya knew that he had said the wrong thing. ‘That’s right,’ why should Die care?   He had just reminded Die that he had better things to do and Die was probably going to leave now.

But he didn’t.

   Die stared at him, a bewildered frown in his face.    ‘I’ve disappointed him again,’ the drummer despaired.

   “Of course, I care.”   It came out as a whisper and Shinya almost thought he had misheard.   Die repeated his words, this time, with more assurance in his voice.   “We all care about you.   You just never let us come close enough.”

   Shinya’s eyes slanted at the sound of his words.    It sounded so foreign, it couldn’t have been true.   Die was pitying him. He didn’t want that, didn’t need that from anyone.    Especially not from Die.

   “Thank you.”   He put his arms up, distancing himself further from the guitarist.   “I’m okay, really.    Don’t know what came over me,” he tried to laugh.    “I think it’s because I didn’t have much sleep last night.    I’m just tired, I guess.”   He turned back to the mirror, making a show if ignoring Die as he reapplied a light foundation and some makeup, hoping the older man would take the hint and stop worrying about him.   Shinya knew he was quite childish at times, the official ‘baby’ of the group, according to some of their fans, but he never really enjoyed being mothered by the others.   It was uncomfortable.

   Die sighed, smiling again.   If Shinya didn’t know him better, he wouldn’t have known that the smile was slightly forced.    “Can I take you home then?   Don’t want you to fall asleep it before you make it home.”

   “I’m not like Kyokun, you know,” he replied as he combed his hands through his hair, eyes staring fixedly at his reflection in the mirror.

   The redhead laughed.   “I know.   I know.    I just want to try and find out where you live.   Can’t blame a guy for trying,” he grinned.   “You’re a mystery to all of us.”

   Shinya was being praised, wasn’t he?   He never knew what to make of praises.   What good were they for?   They give people false dreams, hope, and false happiness.   Yet, it was Die who was making him feel wanted, or at least interesting to someone, to some degree.   That scary, warm feeling fluttered in his stomach again.   He felt his heart beating a little harder, but kept his demeanour cool and controlled.   He gazed back expectantly at Die.

   “Shall I wait for you downstairs?”   There was the faintest smile instead of that natural pout upon his painted lips.

*

   / I know I’m difficult.   But I don’t want to change.   I was in a perfect world all by myself until you showed up.    You made me aware of how flawed I am, when I always knew no one can be perfect. You made me see things my eyes refused to see.   I felt things I had always tried to avoid. /

*

   Shinya tied his hair up in a loose ponytail, pulling the ends of it through the back of a baseball cap, then adjusted his sunglasses; part of his disguise as a non-J-Rocker.   He had arrived at the studio in a pair of Levis and an oversized sweater, something he hoped that none of Dir en Grey’s fans would /ever/ recognise him in, then changed into some makeup- required, BDSM, gothic, leather ‘n’ lace evening gown for some celebrity photos for SHOXX with Die.   Kamisama, Die looked so fucking delicious in those fucking short shorts.

   He glanced the image of himself through the glass door.    Now, Shinya looked like a normal, slightly masculine, but otherwise uninspiring, Japanese girl - suited him just fine.

   Die came down in a few minutes wearing black pants and sneakers, wild hair tucked up inside the hood of his grey, zip-up jacket. Nothing spectacular, except that he knew that it was Die.

   Die was smiling.   “Sorry to have kept the lady waiting.” Sometimes, he really wished that he was a lady.   Did Yoshiki ever feel this was for hide, feel that he had to be a member of the opposite sex in order to attract the man he lov-

   ‘Ai?’   Shinya shook his head to clear his thoughts, fought down his blush and walked outside without replying.
“Anou... are you angry at me again?”   Angry?   Shinya looked back, temporarily stunned as Die caught up with him in easy strides. “I didn’t mean to take so long.”   Curiously, it was Die’s turn to turn pink.    He leaned over with an embarrassed smirk and whispered, “My fly became caught.   Hurts like hell.”

   ‘And he could still smile?’   Shinya’s mind blanked out at the mental imagery.   In a second, he jerked away, felt like his ears were burning.   He ogled at Die outright in silence, all the while thinking ‘Is this the sort of thing he should be telling me?!’

   Die burst out laughing, clutching his stomach and Shinya paled. Was this some sort of a joke again?   Why did Die always... always... At a lose of words, Shinya turned around a hundred eighty degrees and marched stiffly away from the cackling monster.

   “Ah?   Wait, Shin~chan~!”   He heard those heavy footfalls, then felt a pair of hands clutch his shoulders down with sudden weight. He lurched forward and nearly fell, but Die – it had to be – caught and held him against his body until Shinya was steady again. “Gotcha!”

   “Die~!”   He tried to keep his voice low.    “You want the fans to recognise us?”

   “Maa... calm down.   You’re being such a baby.    It’s too late for our fans to be out!”   Shinya stiffened and wrestled away from the guitarist, which was easy because, as a drummer, he was slightly stronger.   So what if he was being childish?   It didn’t matter that every one else said so, but from Die!

   He wasn’t about to let himself cry again.   Not again.   Boys don’t cry!   Boys... he... A little voice in the head asked him, ‘Boy?   What boy?   You wanted to be a girl, didn’t you?’

   “So what if I do?”   He answered to both Die and himself. “Everyone thinks I’m just a child.   Why shouldn’t I act like one?”

   “But, Shin-“ For once, Die refrained from using the ‘chan’ diminutive on him.   “Ah... you’re not a child.    You’re in your twenties now.   I... I don’t mean to make you feel like one, but the way you act sometimes...”   He seemed to realise the futility of that vicious, little cycle he was referring to and stopped. “Gomen... I... I didn’t mean...”

   “It’s not you,” Shinya cut him off.    ‘Everyone does that.   I make people think that I’m a child, don’t I?’   All he could say though, was, “It’s not you.”

   They fell silent for a moment and Shinya found himself staring at the space on the ground in front of Die’s shoes.

   “It seems,” Die began, almost hesitantly, “that even when I haven’t begun to try making you mad, I already do...”

   “I’m sorry,” Shinya said quietly.   ‘It’s not like that,’ his thoughts screamed.   “I think we should both go home now.”

"...Aah.”

*

   / Do you know what you do to me when you so much as brush past me, so much as speak?   I adore you, the sound of your voice, your eyes as the look at me, everything.   But you probably know that already.   Everything you say effects me!   I don’t want to show it!   I don’t want to risk hurting myself and your taunting remarks hurt me enough without your knowing. /

Kagaya: zzZzzz...

to be continued...

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