Die For Me

by Kagaya

Kagaya: My Shinya is very dear to me.  I'm not talking
about the one you all know, but there is someone I know, who
for some reason says and does the same thing that Shinya
says and does.  I'm amazed.  I'm not trying to butcher these
characters in any way.  I'm trying to... write an honest
account of something dear to me, while hiding it under the
guise of a fic. *L @ self* And my power to relate people
is strong so just watch me blabber and get sentimental, ne?
 Genre: Shounen Ai, Mild angst
 Rating: PG-13 (smoking and drinking is like... i dunno -_-;)
 Pairing: Die x Shinya (side: Kyo x Kaoru, Toshiya x Die)

PART 2

   Shinya came to the studio late the next morning.  No one
seemed to notice that he was more downcast then usual – he
usually was.  Yoshiki came in to ask how the interview had
gone.

   “Did you two slip out your secrets?”

   They all laughed and joked about it until practice began,
but Die kept his distance from Shinya throughout the whole
time.  Shinya rubbed his eyes, idly wondering how no one
mentioned anything about his puffy eyes.  He knew he hadn’t
done a good job of hiding it, but he was also thankful that
no one decided to ask him.  ‘If they even noticed at all...’

   At lunch, Toshiya casually sat down next to Die, brushing
against the redhead’s arm as he whispered something that
made Die flush uncomfortably.  Die glanced at Shinya and
quickly away when he saw Shinya staring straight at him.  He
shuffled in his chair, turning towards Toshiya and the two
of them chattered about something quietly between themselves.
Shinya decided to do what Kyo did.  He tried to fall asleep.

   But unlike Kyo, he didn’t have that natural talent of
falling asleep wherever and whenever.  It took a while –
Shinya was a very light sleeper – and just as he was about
to drift off, someone tapped him on the shoulder.

   “Wake up, sleeping beauty.”  Sparkling blue-contact eyes
greeted him.  Toshiya.

   Out of the corner of his eyes, Shinya saw Kaoru trying
his best to coax Kyo awake.  Die was standing to the side,
partly adjusting the straps of his electric guitar, partly
pretending that he was not looking in Shinya and Toshiya’s
direction.

   Toshiya was speaking to him, “You look so much better now
than this morning,” he grinned.  “Beauty sleep does wonders,
ne?”

   “What’s wrong with what I looked like this morning?”
Shinya wasn’t really aware of how guarded his voice sounded.

   Toshiya was slightly taken back.  “You looked like you
didn’t have a wink of sleep last night.  Die said you had
been crying.”  Shinya shot an accusing glare at the redhead,
but Toshiya saw it.  “Ah, don’t blame him.  He only said so
because he was worried.”

   “...Is it really that obvious?” Shinya said after a
while, ‘or was it because Die told...’

   Toshiya laughed, nodding.  He smirked in Die’s direction,
then bent closer to Shinya.  “Die says he’s sorry for making
you upset.”

   ‘Is there nothing Die wouldn’t share with Toshiya,’
Shinya wondered.  “Did he tell you everything?”

   Toshiya looked contemplative for a moment, then replied,
“He told me half the story.  Only you can tell me the other
half – if you want to.”

   Shinya couldn’t believe how Toshiya could act so friendly
towards him all of a sudden.  It’s not to say that Toshiya
was a bitch most of the time, though he certainly dressed
like one, but... Toshiya was acting like a... a friend.

   Kaoru came around then and dragged the bassist away from
the drummer, lecturing him about the difference between
waking someone and chatting them up.  Toshiya laughed.

   “But he’s pretty!”  Toshiya gave Shinya a knowing look.

   “And /your/ beautiful face isn’t enough for you, is it?”
Kaoru retorted.  Die laughed and Kyo fell straight back onto
the couch.

*

   / Stop looking at me.  Stop laughing about my cute, too-
pretty face.  I never wanted to look like that.  I don’t
want that kind of attention. /

*

   “Well, I can’t look at the mirror all the time,” Toshiya
grinned sarcastically.  “But speaking of sleeping
beauties... Kaorukun, look behind you.”

   “KYO!”  Kaoru scowled at the oblivious vocalist and
proceeded to pull him up again.

   Shinya sulked behind his drums, absently tapping out a
foreign beat when a long shadow fell over him and stayed
there.  He looked up.

   “Yo.”

   “Diekun,” he acknowledged.  After a while, he added, “I’m
not angry at you.”

   It was relief that first flashed across his face, then a
smile broke out all over again.  “I’m glad,” Die began.
“Ah... The four of us were planning to go to the karaoke
after work; it’s Friday after all.  Do you want to come with
us?  Make it an all Dir en Grey karaoke?”

   “...I’d like that,” Shinya smiled slowly.  “Sure.”

   “Minna, did you hear that?  Shinyakun’s coming with us!”
Toshiya slung his arms around Die’s shoulders.  “Told you
he’d say yes if you asked!”

   “Nani?” Shinya asked.

   “Toshi~” Die whined.  “Stop that.”

   Toshiya grinned and shrugged.  Nothing important, in
other words.  But it /was/!  Kyo was awake though at last,
so they started recording.  Shinya tried to focus on the
music and pushed the lingering questions to the back of his
mind.  Later, he decided.  He’d look into it later.

   Of course, things put off in the beginning seldom do
follow through.  Shinya had been promising himself for the
entire night that he’d at least... find out more about Die
and Toshiya’s relationship, but he never seemed to be able
to say anything, so the opportunities just seemed to slip
right through his fingers.

   They had practically gone through the band’s entire
history of songs available.  Toshiya and Kaoru already
claimed a corner of the room for themselves and had started
smoking about fifteen minutes ago, while Die and Kyo howled
into their own microphone.  The third one lay ignored on the
table, but Shinya didn’t really want to sing.  The smoke was
starting to wreck havoc on his nerves and he was using every
bit of his willpower not to notice it, which usually had the
opposite effect.

   “Shinyakun,” a microphone was suddenly thrust close to
his face.  “Betcha we can sing Hidesan’s /Misery/ better
then Teru!”  From the corner, Kaoru made a rude noise and
took another drag.  Toshiya snickered when Kyo burst out
laughing, both of them falling against Kaoru as they cracked
up.

   “Diekun,” Kaoru spoke with amusement in his voice.  “Be
nice to other people if you’d like them to be nice to you.”

   “Hai, okasan!”  Kaoru sputtered on his drink and Die’s
eyes twinkled in delight.  He looked back at Shinya with the
same expression on his face.  “Ne?”

   Shinya reached for the microphone, but at the last
moment, they both dropped it.  The microphone slipped
through Shinya’s fingers and fell to the carpet with a soft
thud.

   “Ah!  Gomen!” Die picked it up again, held it up to
Shinya once more, but this time, Shinya politely shook his
head, smiling with reserve.

   “Never mind.  You and Kyokun go on.”

   “Ah, Diekun can sing alone,” Kyo stretched.  “I need a
smoke,” he laid his mike on the glass table and reached over
Kaoru’s for the packet in his bag.

   Seeing that no one was taking up the offer, Toshiya
decided to let Die off stage gracefully.  “I’ll take that if
no one else wants to.”  Die faltered slightly, but smiled
and handed the microphone to Toshiya.  Shinya noted how
their fingers touched in the exchange, how the microphone
didn’t drop to the floor.  But he remained quiet as the
image of Die and Toshiya together pushed him further into
his own misery.

   Kyo laughed and remarked how Die and Toshiya made a good
duet.  Of course, Kaoru agreed.

*

   / I want… I don’t know what I want… I want you to talk to
me, not laugh at me.  I want to be seen as myself, not some
dainty piece of glassware to be admired, not touched.  I
want you to touch me.  You know how strong I can be.  I
won’t break.  I want you to hold me, so that I can rest for
a while and depend on your strength, if just for a while,
and not mine. /

*

   It wasn’t to say that Shinya didn’t at least try to enjoy
himself.  In the end, out of boredom, he punched in a few
songs on the remote control, and had a few drinks to loosen
himself up.  So maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to sing
‘First Love’...

   “Shinchan~” Slightly tipsy, Die reverted to using his pet
name for Shinya without realising.  “Kirei.”  He had to be
referring to the song.  He had to be.

   “Honto?”  The level of alcohol Shinya had consumed – and
he had been careful not to drink too much – could not
account for the sudden flush upon his face.

   “Un.” Die nodded enthusiastically.  “Now I really wanna
know.  What was Shinchan’s first love like?”

   “Maa...” Toshiya poked his head around Die’s and looked.
“You’re making his face redder than your hair!”

   “Impossible...” Kyo muttered, his head resting on Kaoru’s
lap.

   Kaoru chuckled, absently stroking Kyo’s hair.  “Nothing’s
redder than Die’s hair.”

   “Except blood,” the small vocalist grinned sadistically
for a moment before nodding off and Shinya wondered just
what the two of them really did in their spare time – not
that he really wanted to know butt in to other people’s...

   “Ah... we’re going off topic!” Die wouldn’t let Shinya
slip past this time.  “You must have at least fallen in love
once, Shinchan!  Tell us!”

   “I don’t have to.”  Shinya realised that he was stuck in
the corner now and Die was advancing on him like a... er...
drunken... predator.  Eh?

   “You’re always so reserved around us...” Die mulled over
that statement, then grinned adorably.  “Could it be that
you’re secretly in love with one of us?”

   Shinya froze.  ‘How did he... Does Die... When...’ He’s
always thought he’d been so careful up to now...  ‘How?’
“A-anou... Diekun,” he stuttered, “You’re drunk!”

   Die blinked and his grin became feral.  “Not drunk enough
to forget you, Shinchan,” he teased.

   ‘Forget me?  He can’t?’  Hope fluttered in Shinya’s
stomach but he quickly squashed it.  Toshiya leaned his
elbow on Die’s shoulder, the two of them circling him in the
corner.

   Shinya looked pleadingly over at Kaoru, who had taken up
a microphone, singing to the screen with a content, dreamy
smile on his face.  ‘Damn!’

   Toshiya giggled.  He wasn’t as drunk as Die.  “Aah,
you’ve been on Diekun’s mind for some time now.  I’ve had to
listen to him moan about how you always keep everyone in the
dark for weeks – months!”  Shinya felt his whole body
burning from Toshiya’s words.  “If you’re not going to tell
us, I’ll never stop listening to Diekun’s whining!”

   “Oi, I never whine!” Die protested, but Toshiya just
grinned at him.  “Fine...” he looked away, blushing.  It
made Toshiya laugh out loud.  It sounded loud, to Shinya.

   “I... I don’t like anyone.”  Two pairs of eyes blinked at
him.  “No one,” he repeated, shaking his head, refusing to
look at them.  “I can’t love. ”

   Die’s eyes seemed to clear more.  “But you have to love.
If you don’t love, how can you create music?  How can you
play your drums and write your songs?”

   “But they’re not alive.  They’re just things I work
with...  I don’t love.”  He looked into Die’s eyes.
“Diekun, stop it.”

*

   / I know I don’t need you.  You can rely on yourself
alone.  But I need you in a way I don’t want to admit to
myself. /

*

   Toshiya fell silent, eyed Die and gestured for him to go
away, which he did.  As Die left, saying he needed to make a
phone call, the blue haired one slid up to the seat beside
him, wrapping an arm around his back.  “Ne, Shinchan, we
were just joking around.  Don’t take us so seriously.”

   “You think it’s just a joke, don’t you?  Am I a joke to
you?”  Shinya asked quietly.

   Amazed at the sudden anger directed at him, Toshiya
leaned away, staring into his friend’s face in wonder.
“Shinchan... no... of course not!”

   Kyo had woken up then and both he and Kaoru were silently
watching them.  Shinya felt his skin flush in the most
uncomfortable way.  ‘They all just make fun of me, don’t
they?  Just waiting for me to do something stupid.  Well, I
just won’t!’

   He stood up, took out his wallet and set some money on
the table before he walked through the door, which closed
with an unintentional slam.

   Die jumped.  He had been waiting outside for sometime,
though Shinya was sure that it definitely wasn’t because of
him.

   “I thought you were making a phone call,” the young man
said icily.

   “Ah... I was trying to remember Yoshikisan’s phone
number,” Die held up his mobile, smiling weakly.  Shinya
recited the number coolly off the top of his head and waited
for Die to make a move.  Die looked at him, surprised.

   “Wow,” the redhead commented at last.  He punched in the
numbers, saving them to his memory card.  “Thanks.”

   “You usually have a good memory for numbers,” Shinya
stated simply.  Die flushed with embarrassment and laughed
awkwardly, not meeting him in the eye.  “Weren’t you going
to call Yoshikisan?”

   “Uh...” Die struggled with his words.  “I forgot what I
wanted to call him for... heh.”

   Shinya stared at him for some time, unblinking.  Finally,
he turned towards the corridor, walking away from their
room.

   “Where do you think you’re going?”

   Shinya shook Die’s hand off, whirled around and glared at
him.  “Well, it’s obvious that you’re just trying to avoid
me.  Why ask me to come in the first place if all you’re
going to do is make fun of me?”  He felt tears stinging at
the edge of his eyes, but held back.  Like hell he was going
to let Die see him cry again!

   He walked away knowing that Die wasn’t going to chase
after him again.  Die was so considerate, you know.  So
fucking considerate and stupid.  And a horrible liar!

   Shinya’s mobile rang when he was walking to the subway
and he cursed when he couldn’t seem to find it without
rummaging all the way to the bottom of his bag.

   “Moshi moshi,” he growled irritably.

   “Shinyakun?  It’s me,” Toshiya’s voice,  He actually
sounded worried.

   “Yes, Toshiyakun,” he spat out the last syllable
hatefully.

   “What’s wrong?  You seemed just fine when you were
singing...”

   ‘What’s wrong, he had to ask!’  “Nothing,” Shinya
replied, his mind screaming, ‘Everything!’  “I’m just tired.
I didn’t have enough sleep.  I’m fine.”

   Toshiya didn’t say anything for a moment.  “... So you’re
going home now, right?  Do you want Kaoru to take you home
or anything.  You guys live close, ne?”

   “I don’t need anyone to take care of me.  I can take care
of myself!”

   There was a shuffle at the other end, some incoherent
whispers.  “This is Die here.”  A tear slid down Shinya’s
face.  “Look, Shinyakun, I said I’m sorry.  I’m getting
irritated by your behaviour and you’re making Toshiya cry.”

   Funny... Shinya never saw Toshiya cry before, though he
had always heard...

   “So what do you want me to do about it?” He heard himself
reply.  Why did his voice sound so shallow?  “I’ve already
stepped on the train,” he lied, watching as the train left
the platform without him.

   Die was silent at the other end.  “Have it your way
then,” he finally said.  “See you on Monday.”  A sharp beep
told him that the line was dead.

*

   / I’m afraid of the change.  I don’t want to be laughed
at.  I care too much for what people think and say about me,
I know, but can you show me how not to care?  Can you break
me down and show me? /

*

   Is it that the ones who show their tears gain the most
sympathy?  But Shinya didn’t really want people to feel
sorry for him.  He wanted them to feel sorry for what they
do to him.  It wasn’t right.  He wasn’t right.  They weren’t
right to hurt him.

   A voice in his head told him that they weren’t trying to
hurt him.  ‘I’m just being difficult, aren’t I?  A little
kid.’  A pause.  ‘Yes.’  Another silence.  ‘So?’

   He wouldn’t have fallen asleep anyway, even if the phone
hadn’t begun ringing.  It was Die.

   “Toshiya wanted me to check up on you.”

   “...How considerate of him.”  It was always the pretty
ones.

   “Have you calmed down yet?”

   Shinya scoffed.  Was he calm?  He thought he was.  “Why
shouldn’t I be?”

   He heard Die sighing into the phone.  He wished Die was
right beside him, holding him tight and close and safe.

   “Are you sober?” Shinya asked.

   “Aah.  I could have had more to drink, but Toshiya
wouldn’t let me.”

   Toshiya again.  “Oh.”

   “Ah... silences make up the most of men’s conversations,
ne?”  Shinya had to admire his attempt at a joke.

   “I’m not much of a man, am I,” Shinya said quietly.

   “Sure you are...” but Die didn’t seem to have much proof.

   He laughed.  “I don’t even have a girlfriend.”

   “Sou...”

   “Nn?”  Did Die really understand what he was trying to
say?

   “Are you lonely, Shinyakun?”  Shinya’s eyes widened just
a little.  He didn’t dare say anything.  Die continued.
“You were afraid that you’re not going to find a girlfriend,
because you don’t look or dress like a man, ne?  No wonder
you’ve been so snappy lately.”

   ‘No.  It’s not like that.’  Shinya closed his eyes and
pressed his face into the pillow.

   “Do you think I’m desirable?”

   “Nani!?”  Die’s suddenly high voice level contrasted
strongly with Shinya’s soft tone.

   “If I were to tell... someone... that I was in love with
them, do you... think they would love me back?”  He licked
his lips and sped up, “I mean, say Toshiyakun told you he
loved you, what would you do?”

   “Ah?!  Toshi and I are just friends!  He doesn’t even
like me that way!”

   “Then Kaorukun, or Kyokun!”

   “Iie!  If either of them said that to me, I wouldn’t just
be called ‘Die’; I’d be 'Dead'!”

   “Then… what if /I/ told you?”  Shinya paused.  He knew he
couldn’t take it back now.  “If I told you that... I loved
you, what would you do?”

   There was a long silence on the other end.  It killed
Shinya ever so slowly.

   “If...” Die began, his voice quieter and more paced, “If
you said that you loved me... I... I think... that I’d love
you, too...”

   Shinya couldn’t believe his ears.

   “...Shinyakun?”

   Why couldn’t he open his mouth and say something?

   “Shinyakun?!”

   “Ah!”  He realised that he had forgotten to breath.  “I’m
still here,” he breathed into the phone.  “Diekun.”  Was
that really Die?  Not some sick joke his mind was playing?

   “Hai.”  Oh, Kamisama... he’s really here... Shinya
couldn’t stand it any longer.

   “Goodnight, Diekun.”

   “Nani?”

   “I said goodnight.”

   “... G-goodnight, Shinyakun.”

   “Aah...”

*

   / I was so afraid of losing you, as my brother... Are you
still my friend?  I don’t know how we could survive together
when we’re constantly at each other’s necks.  Someone has to
tell sometimes and we fall back in silence.  Then you would
smile, act like it doesn’t matter.  Maybe it’s not an act.
Do you know how much I need you? /

Kagaya: Well now, how was that, Minna-san?  Like it?  Hate
it?  Tell me, ne? ^__^

to be continued...

well, email the author~

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