Die For Me

by Kagaya

PART 3

   
   The rest of Dir en Grey had readily accepted and even 
welcomed his relationship with Die.  For that, Shinya was 
glad.  Yet something nagged at him and really stood out when 
he stopped to think about it.  

   Kaoru had congratulated them with a pat on the shoulder 
and Kyo with a slap on the back.  Toshiya had been the last 
one informed.  He had a curious smirk on his face when he 
walked into the studio and saw the two of them sitting 
closely side by side.

   "Did you suddenly find a new boyfriend?" he asked Die.

   Die replied fondly, "Hai, I have."

   The look on the bassist's face was one of plain shock.  
Then, Toshiya wiped the blankness off his face with a broad, 
mechanical smile.  

   "Thought you two would never get together!" he laughed, 
but disappointment was clearly written in his words.  Shinya 
had mixed opinions about what Toshiya meant, but it didn't 
matter, in the beginning.  Soon, it became apparent that 
something was definitely wrong.  Consciously or not, Toshiya 
began avoiding them.  Subtly at first, but not for long.

   Toshiya would pack his bags quickly, throwing some remark 
about a date or a doctor's appointment then disappear out 
the door.  But how many times could someone visit the 
dentist every night for months in a row?  Or he would go out 
of his way not to be found when someone wanted to talk to 
him about the band or anything else.  Once, Kyo had caught 
the bassist smoking in a break on the rooftop alone.  When 
confronted Toshiya just shrugged.  It was as though he 
didn't know that he was doing what he was.

   He was growing thinner day by day.  He seemed more quiet 
and reserved.  Die wasn't the only one who began worrying 
about Toshiya's health, but he was the one who managed to 
talk him out of his depression.  Shinya never found out what 
Toshiya was depressed about.

   Eventually, Toshiya was back to his regular, friendly 
self, joining into group activities once more.  He seemed 
like he was having fun.  His smile grew a little brighter, 
his laugh, a little louder.  He didn't hesitate to let the 
band, or at least Shinya and Die, know that he was developing 
a small crush on their producer.  'Purely physical,' he 
informed them jokingly.  'Everyone else is in pairs.'  But 
when he looked towards the new couple, Shinya saw that the 
sadness never left.

   Toshiya arrived at the studio one morning to find the 
drummer alone waiting for him.

   "Ohayo,"' he flashed Shinya a pleasant smile and sat 
down, opening the casket of his bass guitar.  But Shinya 
wasn't going to be ignored again.  He'd had enough of that 
from Toshiya for the pass month or so.  

   "Toshiyakun," he finally said, carefully keeping his tone 
neutral.  Toshiya's tensed and looked up uncertainly.  "Are 
you in love with someone?"

   A puzzled blink.  "... Oro?"

   "Don't act all innocent with me.  I have eyes and ears."

   Toshiya kept up the act for a while, until he saw the 
futility of it.  "Hai," he sighed, "I've been that obvious, 
ne?"

   "Aah."

   Toshiya smiled weakly, looking away.  It reminded Shinya 
of Die's actions when he had been confronted with about his 
nonexistent 'phone call' to Yoshiki and other times when 
Shinya had to chide him about his smoking problem.  'It was 
for his own good,' Shinya lamented.  Then Die stopped seeing 
him for a few days.  On those nights, neither Die nor 
Toshiya could easily be found.  

   'At least Toshiya looks guilty,' but remorse wasn't 
enough.  Shinya crossed his arms over his chest to stop his 
trembling.  'How dare he?'  'Toshiya knows Die's mine, yet 
Die...'

*

   / I love you too much to let you go, though I don't know 
love myself.  I'm selfish when it comes to you, I know.  
Won't let anyone come between the two of us.  Even if you 
let Toshiya fall on his knees before you, it's all just a 
stage-act for the fans.  It can't be more. /

*

   "You can't have him, Toshiyakun."

   The looked that crossed Toshiya's face said that he 
didn't know what the heck Shinya was talking about.  Under-
standing slowly crept in, and suddenly, Toshiya looked down 
and broke into giggles.  His hair covered eyes.  

   Shinya glared at him in disbelief.  'Toshiya better has 
an explanation for himself!'  

   Just then, Yoshiki opened the door.  The rest were behind 
him, but they all stopped at the entrance when they heard 
Toshiya's now-hysterical laughter.  Looking from Toshiya to 
Shinya, Die was the first to speak.

   "Shinchan... why is Toshiyakun crying?"

   '... Crying?'  And then he saw those wet patches on the 
floor beneath the bassist's head.  Toshiya cast Die a 
sidelong glance and coughed as he tried to speak.

   "Shi-Shinyakun..." but he started laughing again. 

   Shinya was quickly growing annoyed.  Toshiya sniffed back 
his tears and dried his eyes with the fabric of his sleeve.  
When he looked up, he had a strange, serene smile upon his 
face.  He stood, walking away from Shinya, towards Die.

   "Shinyakun thinks... I love you."  He slipped past them 
into the corridor, his words hanging like dead weights 
around them.  Not once did he look towards Yoshiki, nor 
anyone else.  Die looked at Shinya, his lips pressed into a 
thin line like there was something he wanted to say, but 
couldn't bring himself to say it.  Die turned and was about 
to go after Toshiya, when someone placed a hand on his 
shoulder.  

   "Go ahead and prepare yourselves," the producer ordered.  
"And don't forget your photo session this afternoon."

   Die finally opened his mouth, but Kyo pushed him inside 
while Kaoru exchanged further words with Yoshiki.  The older 
man nodded, smiling briefly at the rest of them.  His 
parting words were, "I'll bring him back."

   When Toshiya returned, he apologised to Shinya.  "I 
wasn't really laughing at you.  It's just... the /idea/ of 
me and Diekun!"  He grinned.  "How could I, Shinchan?"  
Hugging Shinya tightly, he added playfully, "Ai shiteru 
yo~!"

   Die wrapped his arms possessively around Shinya's 
shoulders, pulling him back.  "Mine," he stated, sticking 
his tongue out at his 'rival'.  

   "Don't stick your tongue at me unless you want me to use 
it."  Toshiya winked, let go and turned around.  "Gomen, 
minna.  I've been wasting so much band time..."

   "Iie," Kaoru replied dryly.  "You've just given Kyokun 
more time to sleep."

   Shinya silently wondered if Toshiya had really meant to 
take Die on that unintentional offer, but quickly dismissed 
the idea.  Even Die had said.  Toshiya didn't love Die.  
But... the way Toshiya acted...  Then, of course, there was 
that 'crush' Toshiya said he had for Yoshiki.  Unless 
Toshiya was a brilliant liar, which he... 

   To tell the truth, Shinya wasn't really sure.  He never 
really paid much attention to Toshiya - except when Die was 
around.  And when Die was around, everyone else seemed to 
fade into the background.  Shinya sighed.  At least it was 
pretty easy to tell when Toshiya's joking or not, if that 
was anything to go by.

   The next live was quickly approaching.  Under Yoshiki's 
directions, Kaoru began drilling them harsher and harder 
with each passing day.  Shinya tried to ignore that little 
stab of pain every time that 'act' popped up, which soon 
became everyday.  He ended up solely concentrating on 
beating his drums whenever Toshiya dropped down in front of 
Die.  They practiced the 'tongue thing' with such good 
timing, it was hard not to suspect that they might have been 
taking extra rehearsals outside of their working schedule. 

   Die continued going out with Shinya on weekends.  They 
had started French kissing.

*

   / Do you know how much it hurts?  I'm pounding too hard 
on these drums, trying to drown out my thoughts on you.  And 
him.  Does he do to you the things you do to me?  Where do 
we all stand at this stage?  I only wish I knew. /

*

   On Monday, Die arrived late with Toshiya.  Again.  They 
didn't always go to the studio together, but it was becoming 
a frequent practice.  Toshiya was dressed in glitter-sewn 
jeans that flared out softly over his high-heel boots, 
accentuating his naturally long, slim legs.  He wore a shiny 
white silk dress-shirt that was only buttoned in the middle, 
leaving flashes of his neck and abdomen accessible to open 
eyes.  A sapphire scarf was knotted around his neck, 
bringing out the colour of his eyes, drawing attention from 
his hair.  Toshiya had a thing for accessories.  'He likes 
showing off, doesn't he?'

   The redhead contrasted strongly with Toshiya - to the 
point where they seemed to match in spite of their 
differences.  Swathed in red leather bondage pants and a 
thin black gauze tank top, Die was wearing a simple black 
leather choker round his neck, which sported a gold buckle 
like those on his pants.  Shinya wondered how on earth had 
they made it to the studio in one piece without fans seeing 
them.  

   Toshiya grinned when Kyo echoed those thoughts out loud.  
"Has anyone forgotten my driving licence?" he smirked, 
dangling a super-deformed Shinya key chain in midair.  
Shinya blanched.  "Kawaii, ne?"  Shinya flushed.  Toshiya 
smiled wickedly and slipped the key chain back into his 
pocket.

   "But the real Shinyakun doesn't belong to me," he 
continued.  "Shinyakun is Diekun's!"  Shinya wondered who 
then would Die belong to, if Shinya belonged to Die.  
Toshiya was hinting something... but Shinya refused to 
acknowledge it or to consciously understand.

   He spoke to Die alone in the studio when the others had 
gone for a break.  Die had a tired expression on his face 
that Shinya didn't really know how to read.  He stepped 
closer to him and brushed away a lock of red from Die's 
face.

   "You look exhausted.  Did you have much sleep?"

   Die shook his head smiling distantly, the lock of hair 
falling into his face again.  "Bit of a rough night," he 
admitted.  "Couldn't sleep."

   "What were you doing?"

   He looked hard at Shinya for a moment, and smiled again.  
"Thinking of you."  He wrapped his arms around Shinya's 
waist, pulling their bodies against each other.

   "Die..." Shinya gasped.  But he wasn't going to become 
sidetracked.  "How was breakfast with Toshiyakun?"

   Die looked to the side and thought for a while.  "It was 
okay," he shrugged.  "Why?"

   Shinya smiled.  "Just asking.  Not like you'd be doing 
something behind my back..."  He watched the redhead's 
reaction intently.  Die frowned.  

   "Of course not."  His hold loosened.  His voice was 
serious now.  "Don't say that."

   'What is he mad at me for?'

   "I didn't mean anything by that," he started.  
"Unless..."

   Die let his hands fall to his side.  "Shinya, Toshi's my 
friend."  He ran a hand through his hair, looking away, 
frustrated.  "There's nothing wrong with breakfasting with a 
friend, is there?"  Shinya began to shake his head, silently 
adding that Die ate with Toshiya more than with him, but Die 
didn't see or hear.  "Kaorukun sometimes eats with his 
friends.  So does Kyokun - when he's awake enough..."

   "But we're not Kao-"

   "And we never said that you couldn't eat out with other 
people if you wanted to," the redhead turned back to him, 
holding his eyes with an unwavering stare.  "Right?"

   "I..."  Shinya nodded.  What did he know about relation-
ships anyway?  He'd never been in one before.  Shinya looked 
down, his eyes beginning to water.  He felt so ashamed for 
asking, but...  'Wait.  What did I do wrong?  All I did was 
ask... he's so worked up over one question... Because... Die 
has feelings for... for...'

   "Shinya..."  Die pulled him close, hugging tightly.  "You 
think too much...  Stop."

*

   / Jealousy?  At what?  At who?  I have no right, no 
experiences.  I'm 'too young' to know much about love.  I 
know too little about these emotions to act upon them.  So I 
won't do anything.  I don't know what to do.  I won't do 
anything I'll regret. /

*

   A loud gasp came from the door, causing Die to break 
contact immediately.  "Ah, Kamisama!"  Toshiya froze in mid-
stride and, as a result, stumbled, nearly hitting the floor 
before Die caught him in his arms.

   "You okay?"  Die was clearly concerned.  

   Toshiya blinked, bringing his face up.  "A-aah..." he 
nodded, almost brushing his lips against the other's.  He 
caught Shinya's eyes over Die's shoulders and smirked 
slightly.  "Oops."  A flush spread across his cheeks as he 
turned his attention to the guitarist.  "You can... let go 
now... Diekun... or you'll make Shinchan jealous..."  

   Die consented, holding his arms up, palms forward.  The 
smile on his lips was teasing.  He took a step back from 
Toshiya with a challenging look.  "Now, what makes you think 
my koi should be jealous?"  He wrapped an arm about Shinya's 
waist.  "He has my love and I'm faithful to him."

   Toshiya's eyes flashed at that.  His smile tightened for 
one moment, but that moment was all it took for Shinya to 
notice that there was something wrong with Die's words.  'Is 
Die saying something that's not true?  Does he really love 
me?  Is he faithful?  Why did Toshiya look at him like that?  
It's as though he didn't want to hear Die's words...'

   Toshiya glanced at Shinya, pouting playfully as he said, 
"I feel so unloved now."  He quickly smiled and changed the 
subject, stepping past them into the room.  "I just came in 
to grab my wallet.  Be right out."

   "Your wallet?" Die asked.  "You going out?"

   "I need change for the drinks machine."  Toshiya hardly 
looked back as the door closed behind him.  

   After a moment's silence, Die turned his eyes to 
Shinya's.  He whispered, "... Do you honestly think that I 
like Toshiyakun that way?"  

   The drummer gazed back, face devoid of emotion save for 
hurt.  "... I don't know."

   "Shinya..." Die sighed, "You know I love you..."

   Shinya busied himself looking down, looping his fingers 
thought the hand Die held him by.  After a few seconds when 
he had gathered enough courage to look up again, he asked 
his lover.  "Why?"  

   He could feel Die's fingers tense.  "What do you mean 
why?"

   "Why do you say you love me?  Why do you... find me 
desirable?"

   Die looked guarded.  "Haven't we gone through this 
before?"

   "I asked if you did," Shinya pressed on.  "Now, I want to 
know why."

   The redhead blew his hair out of his face.  "Well. You're 
cute.  You're pretty.  I don't know..."  Then he paused, 
scratching his head as he thought.  Shinya was just about to 
ask if appearances were all he saw, but Die started again.  

   "I find you desirable because you're young... You're 
innocent.  I don't know, really.  Everybody says that love 
is blind.  I can't give you an exact reason except that... 
you can't choose who you fall in love with."  He glanced 
back at Shinya.  "Remember?"

   He swallowed, slowly digesting Die's words.  'Cute, 
pretty... young.  Innocent?' 

   "What about you, Shinya.  How do you find me attractive?"

   Shinya fought down the blush on his cheeks.  "How?  
Anou... I like being with you."

   "Even when I tease you so much?"

   "I... I like the attention."  He looked down, his arms 
wrapping around himself as he spoke.  "I like it when you 
talk to me, when you look at me.  I like it when you hold me 
and kiss me.  I..." Maybe it didn't really matter why.  
Silly of him to care about that.  "I just do."

   "Exactly."  Die stepped close, slowly drawing Shinya into 
a long, searching kiss.

*

   / Do I love you?  I still ask.  Isn't it obvious?  To me?  
To you?  They all think so.  But it doesn't affect them.  
This is only between you and me.  I'm determined to keep it 
that way.  I won't let anyone come between us. / 

*

   A few days later, Shinya was stealing a catnap in the 
reception area, waiting while the rest of the band took 
their cigarette break outside.  A movement on the couch 
alerted him that someone had taken the seat beside him.  

   "Ne, Shinchan..." Toshiya whispered quietly, "Are you 
awake?"  Shinya was, but he refused to reply.  Toshiya 
sighed and settled in his seat.

   "You really scared me when you asked if I'm in love."  It 
took all his willpower not to open his eyes.  "Didn't think 
I'd be so obvious, but I guess I am, huh?"  Toshiya chuckled 
quietly.  "Do you really think that I love Diekun?"

   'Yes!' but Shinya wasn't about to voice his thoughts.  He 
could feel the weight of Toshiya's stare, but he kept his 
head down, hiding behind the pretence of sleep.

   "I like him, true... but that's different from love.  We 
hang out a lot... we enjoy each other's company and hell, he 
tells me he has more fun with me than with you, but..." 
Toshiya paused and Shinya nearly wanted to scream.  

   'What do you fucking mean he has more fun with you!'

   Toshiya leaned back.  "I don't love him," he cast his 
eyes on the ceiling.  

   Shinya wondered briefly, 'If not Die, then who?'

   "Diekun's even asked me out before, but I told him I only 
wanted to be friends."  

   At that, Shinya nearly opened his eyes in shock, but 
Toshiya turned to him, reaching out to brush some strands of 
hair from Shinya's face.  "I said no..." he whispered.  "For 
you."  

   Toshiya sighed.  "You have no tact, you know... It's so 
easy to see that you love him.  That's why I'm scared.  He 
says he loves you... only because you said you loved him.  
I'm scared that he'll hurt you.  I'm scared that it's 
because of me... I..." He suddenly laughed.  "Kamisama... 
Just listen to this me rant..."  He shook his head.  

   A silence fell with him.  He let his hand drop to his 
side.  "Talking to someone who can't hear me..."  Toshiya 
stood abruptly and stretched, glancing at his watch.

   "Ne, Shinchan!"  He turned and nudged Shinya on the 
shoulder.  "Wake up, beautiful.  Break time's over."  

   Shinya slowly opened his eyes, staring balefully at 
Toshiya, who simply smiled, holding his hand out.  He 
couldn't help but note, a moment ago, Toshiya's demeanour 
was totally different.  

   Staring at Toshiya's back as they walked up the stairs, 
Shinya thought back the bassist's words.  Die had always 
been intimately, physically close, constantly reminding 
Shinya that he was loved.  But now those sweet, assuring 
words were becoming completely undone because... if Toshiya 
was telling the truth - there was no reason for Toshiya to 
be lying... then... 

   Even if Toshiya insisted that he had a crush on Yoshiki - 
who else could it be? - even if he swore he didn't love Die, 
who was to say that Die didn't love him?  

   'You can't choose who you fall in love with.'  

   That's what Die said, and that's what Shinya had been 
referring to in that SHOXX magazine.  He couldn't really 
idealise someone.  That wouldn't be love.

   But Die was nonetheless his boyfriend.  If he only loved 
Shinya because Shinya said he loved him... then... 

   He decided that he wasn't about to let self-doubt ruin 
his relationship, until a sudden thought stopped him in his 
tracks.

   'That's not love.'

   Thinking back, they had both admitted that they 'loved' 
each other...  Past tense.  There was only one conclusion, 
nothing else he could bear to do.  

   He stepped into the studio after Toshiya, into Die's open 
arms.

*

   / It's just me, isn't it?  Not even you.  I won't say a 
thing though.  I won't tell.  I love you.  Let's stay like 
this, Die, for me. /

~END of Fic~

Kagaya: If you never hear from me again, the Die character I
know killed me.  C&Cs, onegai?!

to be continued...

well, email the author~

back to fics page~