*

 “Die?  What’s wrong?”  Toshiya’s voice was full of concern.

“Toshiya, don’t you think we’re moving too fast?”

Toshiya shook his head.  “I don’t, but if you feel we are, we can always slow down.”  He smiled.  “As long as you stay with me, I don’t care what speed our relationship goes.”  He cupped Die’s face in his hands.  “As long as you’re with me.  I’ve waited this long, I can wait longer, for you…”

Die bit his lip and looked into Toshiya’s eyes, his decision clear on his face.  “Toshiya… I don’t want you to feel like I’m using you just to forget Shinya, but, I can’t say, yet, that I’d be doing this out of love.”

“I don’t expect it to be love so soon, I’m used to sex without love.”  He smiled sadly.  “I just want to help you, and I want this…”

“Toshiya…” He lifted a hand to touch Toshiya’s hand that was on his cheek.  “If you truly want to…”

“Yes…”

 “Then, we can, but I want you to know it may take time for me to… love… again… and, I can’t guarantee it’ll be… with you…”

Toshiya nodded.  “I know… I’ll stay patient…”

* 

Toshiya led Die to the bed and undressed them both before sitting them both down.  Toshiya took Die’s chin in his hand and kissed him.  “Ready?”

 Die nodded.

 Toshiya smiled and kissed down Die’s neck while taking Die’s hands and placing them on his hips.  “Don’t be afraid to do anything, Die.”

 “Ah… oh yeah…” Die replied nervously.

 Toshiya smiled.  “What’s wrong?”

 “Well… uh… with a guy… I haven’t…” Die blushed.

 “Oh!” Toshiya smiled.  “Then I’m assuming YOU’LL be bottom?”

 Die laughed nervously.  “Ah, and I thought YOU were the girl in this.”

 Toshiya nodded.  “I’ll teach you well.”  He took Die’s hands and slid them down to his thighs, setting them into a rubbing motion.  “You see… it’s ah... just like with a… girl, just, there’s a penis involved and, you have to go from the back instead of the front.” 

Die nodded and moved Toshiya to lay down as he spread the smooth legs and started to kiss up the thigh, but stopped awkwardly. 

Toshiya peered down and saw that Die was shaking.  “Die?”  He sat up and draped himself over the guitarist.  “Die?  What’s wrong?”  His hand brushed at Die’s hair.

 “I… I’m sorry… it’s too fast… I thought I could, but… Toshiya…”

 Toshiya’s heart hurt from seeing Die so vulnerable and he kissed Die’s forehead.  “Come on, let’s go to sleep.”

 Die looked up and saw Toshiya smiling lovingly.  “You’re not mad?” 

Toshiya shook his head.  “No, I’m not.  I wasn’t even thinking we’d get this far.”

 Die laughed slightly.  “Ah, Toshiya…”

 Toshiya placed a finger on Die’s lips.  “Let’s get some rest, ne?  Then we can do something in the morning.”

 * 

Toshiya?  Die looked out from under the sheets to see Toshiya standing in just his long shirt looking out over the sunrise from his balcony.  Die smiled softly, his eyes tracing the beautiful body.  He silently rolled out of the bed and walked over to the bassist, instinctively wrapping his arms around the other man from the back and resting his head on his shoulder.

 Toshiya rested his head on top of Die’s and leaned back.  “Sleep well?”

 “Why are you up?”

 “I wanted to absorb this beauty, and get lost in it.”

 “Why?”

 “So I could be found.” 

“Must you be lost to be found?  Can’t you just be found?”

 Toshiya’s hands covered Die’s and held them.  “Die, do you think I’m pretty?”

 Die turned Toshiya around to face him.  “Why?” 

Toshiya looked downcast as he took in a breath.  “I know you think Shinya is beautiful, but, what made him beautiful?”

 Die sighed and hugged Toshiya.  “The same things that make you beautiful.  Toshiya, you’re very beautiful.  And you’re a great person.  I don’t know how you could think any differently.” 

Toshiya bit his lip and hugged Die back tightly.  “Because, my heart is torn…” Tears filled his eyes.  “I feel so guilty for being in love with you when you have feelings for Shinya.  I feel guilty for you knowing about it.  I feel guilty for being a burden.  I just want you to be happy, but I think I’m doing more damage than good!” 

With every word, Die’s heart clenched tighter and tighter, for reasons he didn’t know, and he held onto Toshiya tight as he could.  “Love…. Don’t feel guilty about love, Toshiya… Love is good… you need love to live…”

 That’s just it, Die, I’ve never HAD love… am I never alive?  “Never…” he whispered.

 “What?” 

“Die… how does it feel?” 

“Eh?  How does what feel?”

 “To be loved…” Toshiya wiped away tears.  “I want to know…”

 “It… hurts…”

 “Hurts?”  More pain?

 “Ah.  It hurts… to not be sure if you love the other back, to know that they’re in pain as well… and yet… it has a sweetness to it…” Die pulled back.  “And… and it gives me this need to… protect you…” It’s too early to be love… I can’t get over Shinya this fast, can I? 

“I don’t need…”

 Die softly kissed Toshiya.  “Yes, you do.  I want to protect you from heart ache, from the world, from… the cold and lonely night…” 

Is he… “Die?”

 Die smiled lightly.  “Let’s stick together, ne?  Koi?”

 Fresh tears formed at Toshiya’s eyes.  “You mean…?”

 Die nodded.  “I don’t know what it is, but I can’t stand the thought of anyone hurting you… and want to protect you…” 

It doesn’t hurt so much if you put it that way… maybe there is hope…  Toshiya smiled as Die’s hand brushed away the salty tears and kissed him again, this time holding him close and making it as long as some movies the bassist had seen.  When they broke apart, Toshiya couldn’t tear his eyes away from Die’s.  “Ai shiteru…”

 “Toshiya…. I—“ Toshiya placed a finger over Die’s lips.  “Don’t speak until you’re sure.  Until then, just stay with me?”

Die nodded.  “I care for you.” 

Toshiya smiled sadly.  That’s good enough for now… good enough for now…

 * Hahahaha

I’m tired… this was supposed to have a lemon, but the lemon scene was too awkward for this!

I know it was short, but… uh… sorry… I fall asleep too much lately and I’m just too excited about the fact that I FINALLY got my driving permit ^^ C/C please?? Even if it’s just to say “it sucked!”  : (

Ja ne!

~kurara