"You know it is time to go"...

Do you ever feel that if it wasn't for you, your partner's life would be perfect? Is this not what you have been "told" often enough. When was the last time you were body checked into the wall? His response? "You were standing in his way, again, you !::!::!" As a survivor of spousal abuse, I empathize. You must find the strength to protect yourselves, and your children, who are also being traumatized. You know it is time to go--for the body checking has just become the daily routine, and there is so much more...when do you think he may go over the edge? Newspaper headline reads: woman miscalculated, dead now, children will be put up for adoption. Throughout time women had been thought of as an inferior breed. I 'm not sure that society has yet realized that women have great strength in their numbers, but their weakness is the 'society made-gender biased' man in power. Women follow suit, to gain acceptance. There will be little change if society does not change its view on women, and on men's code of conduct..

"Everything is your fault", he says...

How do you explain the abuse? What do you say in such little space? The years of abuse were long. The violent actions towards you were many. From a slap behind the head "because perhaps your answer was not immediate enough", to "perhaps being pulled out of the car and falling on the floor" because you did not come out fast enough, to "perhaps having the hot water turned off while you were taking a shower, because this morning you were being noisy when you were washing the dishes", or "perhaps having glasses of water thrown on you while you were sleeping--because you didn't answer when he was speaking to you". How do you explain this to others that don't understand? What do you tell a woman who is living this abuse? "Everything is your fault", he says... The bruises go away, the emotional and physical scars remain... "You enjoy being a victim,", he says... "Everything is my fault", I think... "I will learn to love myself first..."

"Deciding on the simple things"...

The struggle to leave a marriage is difficult, especially if children are involved. But the relief that comes from this decision (after depressions, and a lot of crying) is in itself fulfilling, and then there is so much more to add to your life. People will watch as you go through a period of mourning, and of financial loss. They don't understand my sense of satisfaction of living alone today, but then I guess they never understood my life within my marriage. My sense of satisfaction comes from being able to decide on the simple things, from what to have for breakfast, what to wear today, to just taking the time to sit down and read a book. This you can only understand when you have left an abusive relationship.

"Specialized courts?"...

I believe (although I am not sure), that Ontario now has a court that deals specifically with violence against women. If this is so, I hope that this may spread to other parts of the country, and other countries. Did you know, at least this is what I have understood: that you may find yourself in a civil courtroom case and the judge presiding your case may have only presided business law cases, and no family law or domestic violence case. Don't quote me on this. But perhaps it would be a good question for me to ask the lawyer.

I have seen an article in the National Post about wanting to have monkeys and apes put at a legal status comparable to woman/man. I love animals, and believe monkeys are very similar to us, but am at awe and wonder how can the law protect animal rights, when it is not yet capable of protecting women and children's rights; I am referring to the Simpson's case, and it just goes to prove, that it is not who is right, but who knows how to defend themselves in court--as my ex-husband once said. Where does that leave the monkey...dependant on his lawyer. Where does that leave women...? Have you ever heard a lawyer say when negotiating your custody arrangements with you, "I've been a father to you know...", or "...if I was a father I would want more access to my children..." and here we are with a case of domestic violence...and a major lack of support, and of course no understanding for what you are going through, or what you have survived.

I hope these specialized courts protecting women's rights (therefore protecting the children's rights) spread quickly, for anyone who has been in an abusive situation knows how quickly, these men squirm out of accepting any kind of blame for what they have done, and instead try finding a way to blame the women and to have the children taken away from the mothers home. Although this is not true for all violent men; as I had seen an article in the newspaper that read "he wanted help, the lawyer wanted to win".

" I have fallen hard, made new Christian friends and have a new life " ...

I was a product of sexual abuse as a child, it becomes a pattern, you don't relize it, but never the less it becomes a pattern.. I was molested from age 9 to 11, when I was beat up by my dad one eneving while mom was a choir, she was always gone and as a child I remember staying out late rather than to face the home situtation, well after that beating, dad went to jail until the court hearing, I thought two years was a little tough, but we were not allowed to even mention his name, two years later they transferred him to a mental hospital where he spent the next three years,

I spent all that time in therapy, which didn't do a whole lot of good when mom blamed me, but thats another story..

I married at 17 to get away from the situtation with my mom, and became dependant on my husband for everything, and when I wanted what he felt I didn't need, he became sexually abuseive, making me do things that were horid and painful and then afterward he was full of promises that he'd never do again, this went on for 19years 11months and 2weeks just as we were getting ready for a long awaited 20th anniversaryand a second honeymoon, he brings his girl friend home, the divorced followed, she declaired me dead the day after they were married and I have spent the next twenty years trying to get the kids back.

Six years ago I discovered through a conversation finnaly with my daughter that she too had been molested by her father, her father had her convensed that her first born was actually a daughter to her dad, not his grandchild, or so he had her believing.. It behoves me that anyone could brain wash a person like that but he has succeeded in just that..

Well less that a year after that divorce, I remarried, not ever being on my own, I looked for someone else to take care of me. He was the best, I thought and the first three years were very nice, except I began loosing my friends because they claimed they couldn'thandle the abusive way he treated and talked to me, soon we were having problems with family not coming around, their saying the same thing. Then he ws in an automobile accident -- after that things were really bad, and it was like I had to walk on eggs shells, never knowing when that proberial time bomb was going to go off, I lived in fear of my life and decided that maybe if I got a job doing something we could both do, so that we could travel and do the things we enjoyed before his accident maybe we could get back to his just being verbal, I could overlook that. We had moved out of state, which was a disaster, 23 months later moved back to where our kids and friends were, and I started this new job. I traveled a lot, and figured that after I had paid my dues as a new driver, we could team and do this together..

Each time I got home, it's awful and I got to the point that I came home less and less.. each time I came home there was a knockdown drag out fight, and I got the rotten end of it, being thrown thru a glass door, thrown out of a moving car, pinned up against the kitchen door being choked, bruies in places I didn't know I could be bruised in, 98%percent kidney failure and a fight for y life brought me to the point that life is to precious and short to live in that kind of pain or fear..

I have talked about leaving, I just got up one day and left...Lost every thing, but thats okay, its just stuff, and I figured, if I were dead, I wouldn't need it either.... What I lost most, and to this day I don't understand, Where my kids, and my grandchildren, they chose to stay with there real dad and there stepdad (who had said from the very beginning of our friendship that the kids, his kids and our families were not a part of the package). I am the one to have done everything for and with me kids and his, and he is the one that got the kids, but I have to put that aside and do what I have to survive.. I moved to another state, and am trying to start over, I have a PPO out against my ex, and would not be afraid to put it into force to protect myself.. I have fallen hard, made new Christian friends and have a new life..

Live one day at a time, and pray to God for the things I need, have loved, and discovered that no matter how hard you love, if it isn't given back freely, its not worth your time and effort. You need to move on to where there is love, if only the love of our Lord. I depend on the Lord now and no man, and if another should enter my life it will be because he loves the Lord and is a Christian also.. If not, then I can learn to except the many lessons I have learned, mostly about myself, and that I'm not junk, and deserve more. I don't know what the Lord has planned for me, and I hold no anger against my dad, our either of my ex-husbands, to expect more, and to ask for more, isn't wrong. I am learning each day, that happiness is what you make of it, not what you have or who you're with, if you stay busy, you do think about the might have been or could have been, you can't bring back, or re-live the past and you can't worry about tomorrow, because it isn't here yet... Just take care of today and make it the best you can.

God Bless you and thank you for listening to my story, it helps me reaffirm that I'm okay- You're Okay!!! If that in itself can give just one lady the strength to move out of a bad time, for her sake and her kids, then it will all have been worth while.. Good Luck to you.
~~~56 USA, "Let go and let God in"

"No I will not die, I will not curl up.
I will live this day forward, looking for and planning
my escape from the prison you have created.".

I realized this afternnon that I was dying. You called,angry at some little worthleses thing,and I have spent the last two hours sick with fear. My heart is racing, my palms sweating,my stomache rolling from the fear.I feel like a death row inmate and you are the warden with the keys to my existence.You will blow in soon and I will bear your wrath. Maybe you will only scream and rant. Maybe you will only slap me.Maybe this is the day you are angry enough to kill me. So many maybe's.

I am dying and my body is beginning to show the physical signs of your abuse.The ulcers, the chest pains, the babies buried too soon. I am on medication for my nerves. I get hives when you are around. I walk through my home like a ghost, with you ever present to attack my next move. Floating within my soul is the girl I once was, in a flowing white gown,eyes full of stars.How could I have known that someday I would write this letter,jumping at the sound of each passing car? How could I have known I would exist within my own mind, unable to share my fears and dreams with the one who should welcome them? You who claim to love me,know nothing of me. You swing between moments of kindness and rage.I try to pacify,never thinking of my own needs.

I see no joy in you. So much anger and pain that blinds you to the tenderness you have been given. You say you dont want to lose me.I cant blame you. Will you be able to find another victim like me?

From this moment forward, I will strengthen myself.I will learn to stand in the midst of your storms and not fall. I will build my physical strength so that when the day comes to defend myself I can do so. I will strengthen my soul so that I may walk away whole, able to handle your insults.

You said once in a rage," Why dont you just curl up and die? You are pathetic. "No I will not die.I will not curl up. I will live this day forward, looking for and planning my escape from the prison you have created.
~~~ MB Jan.1999

Tell us your story, or make recommendations for the women still living violence and abuse. There are many of us who are survivors, and telling our stories may help us come to terms with the changes we must make. And for the women who are still living the physical and mental abuse, and have not yet made their decision to leave, perhaps this site will help you take the necessary steps towards freedom and self respect.

Even though the fear and pain we suffered from anothers's hands is temporarily forgotten, there is a time when there is something that reminds us. One of those times is when I read your stories, the pain comes back, the tears flow, and I remember...

For the women who have sent in their stories, I thank you, for I know how difficult it is.