I got this email from Miss Lindia asking for help in retrieving her late fathers fortune.
I was pondering if I should bait her and was listening to Ian Dury and the Blockheads.Now hopefuly you have heard of this UK singer,If you have then you may enjoy this one.
I wondered if I could get lyrics from the album into the emails actualy in the order of the songs on the Album just for the challenge?. So its running and will add it.
THE PLAYERS:The Rev Steve Ian Dury from Billeracy Essex. My Laddett is Lindia,bless her old cotton socks.Wonder if she will spot it?.Or just fall helplessly in love with me?. Enjoy.
.......................................................................................................................................................................................
Subject: please i need your help
DEAR CONFIDENT.
With whole confidence and belief, my thought saw your name, as a
reliable person to co-operate in joint venture partnership.
I am MISS LINDIA GUEI, from Abidjan Cote d'Ivoire (Ivory Coast) the daugther of
General GUEI ROBERTS who died recently during
the military coup'detat. As a former Head of State My father acquired
and deposited 2 diplomatic boxes in a private security company here in
Abidjan, containing 47 million USD including Gold and Diamond worth
more than $20million....................................
Bla,Bla,Bla, I wont bore you with it all,you know the score right?
So lets get straight in with some lyrics form 'Reasons To Be Cheerful'....................................
Subject: Reasons to Be Cheerful.
My Dearest Lindia,
Thank you for your mail,it touched my heart
But not to fear my love,there are reasons to be cheerful pt free.
You must not threat about your situation, I am here to assit you my dear.
Remember in life there is always reasons to be cheerful,like Taking
your mum to Paris, Cheedar cheese and pickle, phoneing up a buddy or
just coming out of poky.
I am very close to Europe and will help you deal with your fathers
security company,but you will need to tell me what of me your require my love.
Also my share of $4.7million give me another reason to be cheerful.
All my love dear sister,
Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
Gene Vincent Priory.
St Vincents Church
Billericay
Essex
UK
Time to see if she is an Ian Dury Fan......................................................................................
Subject: Remain blessed.
Dearest Reverend Steve Ian Dury,
may God bless you for your kindness and love that you have for me
,even as you have not seen me nor my photo.
Well as a single girl i will be very free to welcome you into my life
if realy you are serious with what you are saying ,but first i will
like to see your photo,home /house and church address including
telephone/fax numbers to enable us preceed in everything.
Best regards
Miss Lindia Guei Robert
Well seems they dont listen to the blockheads over there,now lets find a pic of a Reverend.
Subject: My Dear Lindia
My Dear Miss Lindia,
Thank you for your mail today.
I am sorry it is late but Sunday is my busy day.
Please dont take things the wrong way,as I said with my love in a
caring christian way.
This was not ment in a I come awake with the gift for women kind,like
me in a horny morning mood,type of way.
Now as you have asked for my contact details I will enclose them.
My address I added to my last mail but will add again my dear.
Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
Gene Vincent Priory.
St Vincents Church
Billericay
Essex
England
Phone: +44 709xxxxxxx
I have also included a photo,I am the one on the left,It was taken at
a church animal day last weekend.
Anyway my dear I know it is late,I wont disturb your rest,I bet you
look loverly when you are sleeping but wide awake is best.
Please contact me soon and let me help you reclaim your family money
so you may live very happy life.
Well I better go and get the post and make some tea and toast,as I
fancy a snack.
Bless you and may the Lord watch over you always.
Rev. Steve Ian Dury.
Some lyrics there from,'wake up and make love to me'.......................................
Subject: My Dear Steve
My Dear Steve,
Thank you for your mail and your photo.
Your hansomness and your religious statue has made me fall in love.
please i will want you to fly down to ivory coast,so that we can have
some good time,and as well claim the box from the security company and
fly back together to England.
please promise me this so that i will send you the contacts of the
security company.i will send you my foto by tomorrow, because i need a
new pose for you.
have a nice day my love.
Miss lindia.
Woo Woo, she in love we me already,she's not like the girls in my street............
Subject: My Dear Lindia
My Dearest Lindia,
Thank you for your kind and gracious mail I recieved today.
How much I would love to travel and meet you my dearest.
I am well travelled with my work for the church,I have been to the
deserts of Sudan and the gardens of Japan,Milan,also Jakkatan
preaching to every women and every man.
Also I have been in the wilds of Borneo and the vinyards of Bordeux
blessing the wine crops.
To name a few places.
I hope I do not bored you with my travels.
Once we went to Dock of Tiger Bay on the road to mandalay from Bombay
over the hills and far away,we met a Indian Music Preacher who had a
rythym Stick and the use it in song and hit people with it to prove
their faith,and they chanted 'Hit me,Hit Me Hit Me.I have had a very
lucky life to see so much culture.
Anyway my dearest Linida,I await your photo and cannot wait to see you
in a photo.I hope it is a nice pose.
So my dearest,I have told you I will assist you and I hope once we are
ready I can fly down to meet you,then return with me and join me in my
life.I knew one day the Lord would choose someone for me and I think
he has in fact brought us together,do you feel this too Lindia?
Well I am sorry but I must leave you now my love,for I have to prepare
a service for this evening,its about a story of a man who was thought
of as not being very bright.I will share it with you in our next mail
if you wish?
Fondest Regard and Respect my love.
Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
Getting,'Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick', was a challenge ha ha ha.................
Subject: Re: My Dear Lindia
My Dear Steve
I am sorry that i was unable to reply your mail yesterday, it was
because i travelled about 51klm to the security company to introduce
you to them as my future husband,that you will be contacting them in
respect of our consignment in their costudy.
below is my pose.
Please contact them urgentlyso that we can know the requirments to
claim the box from them.
dear i am sick of your warm kissssssss.( OMG I make her sick??).
remain blessed.
Miss Lindia.
Well got a piccy even though I make her sick with my kisses----------->>>>>>>
Subject: Re: My Dear Lindia
My Dearest Steve
I forget to send you the full contacts of the security company.
Please have it and contact them.
Assistance 2000 Security Company Abidjan Cote d'Ivoire
25 bp 212 Abidjan 25.
Tel +225 079 918 74.
fax: +225 244 809 43
Email:as2000scci@yahoo.com
Lindia kissssssssssssssss
Thats OK my love,time for 'Clevor trevor' I guess....................................
Subject: My Dearest Love
My Dearest Love Lindia,
How nice it was getting your mail today after a
hard day tending to the sick and needy in my parish,you lighten my
heart.
Now I have the contact for the Assistance 2000 Security Company and
tried to phone just now but the exchange replied busy.So I will mail
them when I get through chatting to you.
I thought I would tell you about my sermon fron Monday.
It was a story about a guy called Clevor Trevor,He never had no
nothing worth having never ever,and never get fooled that he an't to
clever,and not having one thing nore not another either neither is it
anything whatever.
It seems a bit complex but its really saying that because if someone
isnt clever with not much showing because he answers to the name of
Trevor,you knock me down with a feather Clevor Trevor.
So not to make a clot out of Trevor because of this.
We are all different even though he is a bit of a jack the lad.
It just preaches tollerence to one another.
So my love,I think I misunderstood your mail when you said you were
sick of my kisses? Did you mean 'Sick with your Kisses?.
You could say to me 'You knock me down with a feather clevor
trevor',that would be just fine in a fun loving way.
So I hope you had a nice visit to the Security Company,I know how bad
it was when I travelled long distances across the desert.
I make you think of all the waste in life and peoples hearts.I may
write a Sermon on waste in life for Thursdays prayer meeting.
So my dearest I have to go now but not from your heart.
Rev, Steve Ian Dury.
Well I will mail theFake Security Company as well I think...............................
Subject: Re: Miss Lindia
Dear Sir,
I have been asked my my future wife to contact you regarding
the deposit that is held by you.
I understand my future wife Miss Lindia contacted you yesterday when
she called in to visit you.
Please contact me as soon as possible.
Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
In the meantime it seems Lindia cannot live without me,I think I've scored....
Subject: Lindia Steve kissssssssssssssssssssssssss.
My Dearest Love ,
I have been so tired because of my journey all a while sleeping and
dreaming about you .
I don't know what can I do with out you , just tell me .
Sweet heart .
Lindia Steve kissssssssssssssssssssssssss.
Meanwhile,back at the ranch.......I get a mail from the fake security company.
Subject: up date info
FROM: The desk of the secretary A. 2000 Securities.
ATTN: Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
Sir, We are in recipt of your mail,also acknowledged the deposit of a metalic box containing african art work as it was declared by his late father EX-President G. Robert.
Miss Lindia informed our office that you will visit our office soon to claim the consignment.
Please be note that you are to notify our office the date of your arrival,confirmed with your flight schedule seven days before your visit.
according to our security law and procedure,you are to come to our office with the following items.
original copy of the deposit certificate,
original copy of the agreement signed by the depositor and our company.
as you know the depositor has not be servicing his storage fee since his death,as a result of this, $8, 750.00 usd has acumulated as demurage,which must be paid before the delivery of your consignment.
thanks .
yours faithfully
mrs leo
secretary.
That seems pretty straight forward and they only want $8,750...........................................................
Subject: Re Info
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your informations regarding the metalic box in
your safe keping.
I will bring the cash money with me when I call at your office.
Thank you for your time regarding my enquiry Sir.
Rev Steve Ian Dury
Lets give Lindia some more Ian Dury,How about 'What a Waste' and Sex n Drugs n Rock&Roll.
Subject: I had mail from Security Company
Dearest Love Lindia,
I hope I find you well today my sweet.
I have had news from the security company and I need to know the next
step my love.
I have been busy preaching at a private chapel this morning.
My life gets very hard sometimes,I think about what I could have done
sometimes.
I could have been a driver of an articulated lorry,I could be a poet
and wouldn't need to worry,I could be a teacher in a classroom full of
scholars or a sargent in a squadron full of wallers.What a waste but I
dont mind.It gets you thinking what could have been sometimes.
I could be a catalyst that starts a revolution,I could be an inmate in
along term institution.Then I guess I wouldn't have been led to the
Lords work,that would be a waste if I was that way inclined.
Anyway that is enough from me,How are you today,I have been thinking
very much on what your mail said to the security company.
Do you think that you coming here and being my wife is something you
wish?.I feel I know you very well my dear.
You photo,wow, you are very beautiful,It brings feelings I have not
felt for a long time.
Sex and drugs and rock and roll,is all my brain and body need,is very
good indeed,dont you think?,I am human as well.
Every bit of clothing owt to make you pretty you can cut the clothing
grey is such a pity,my taylor is called simon I know its going to fit.
Anyway my love I leave you to plan for my arrival,the security company
said in need to give them 7 days notice so I will find a flight to you
my love for next Thursday,I have a Reverend Brother where I can stay
with while I am there.
Well I must rush away my love,one of my parishinors has just ran into
the rectory in a terrible fright a must rush to her aid.
Think Of me my love for I think of you always.
Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
That lets me use 'This is what we find',I was wondering how to fit it in............................................
From: Lindia
My dearest love
My heart is full of joy hearing from you that you have contacted the
security company, darling, did you said you are flying down by next
thursday? please clearify me so as to know how to prepare for your
arival.
Dear why did you said you are going to stay with your rev brother
here? my sweet heart i will not welcome that idear,because i realy
need you, i want us to stay together in a hotel.
Dear did you know that the day my father was assisinated, eighteen
members of our family including the mads were killed along with him.
i was very lucky that i was not in that house that day,i was in the
school campos.that is how my life was speared.Ever since i am always
in hidout.this is the reason i want you to sneak in quitely,then we
shall go to the security company and claim this box then fly out as
quickly as possible without the knowledge of any one.
Please dont border your self informing any of your rev brother.becuase
this world is full of hatred and jealousy.
hoping to hear from you soon my love.
lindia steve with many kissssssssssssssssssss.
OK my love,now lets fit in,'This is what we find and 'Itinerate Child'.I hope your singing along?...
Subject: MY DEAREST LOVE
My Dear Lindia,
How sweet it is to see your mail in my inbox.
I have your message and I will make a booking for a flight to arrive
with you my love on Thursday,Please tell me what airport I should fly
to as I think there is 2?.
Anyway,please do not worry about my reverend brother,he has a seperate
building we can stay in,he is open minded like me and will leave us in
peace,he has no reason to know our business and he is a good man but I
will not tell him we are to be lovers.
I have phoned my bank today as I see there is a payment to be made to
the security company.
Now my dear I will not want you to pay this,I feel you have been
through enough,do not worry.
Would I embarrase you if I offered to pay the $8,500?? Please tell me
my love I would hate to offend you in this way,but if you wish to pay
it then I will keep quiet and say no more ok?.
I think I will have to bring extra money to buy you gifts to show my
love,I have ordered $12,000 just in case and will bring it with me my
love to lavish on you.
Now I am sorry I had to rush off yesterday but one of my parishoners
was in dire need,its a long story but I will share it with you as a
wife.
She is a forty year old house wife Mrs Elizabeth Walk,of Lambeth Walk
had a husband who was jubblyfied with only half a stalk,she ended up
taking milk of magneisia and a curry powder sandwich,half a pound of
uncut pork,took an overdose of omo and made all the neighbours
talk,this is what we find ,unfortunatley.
People do things when angry or let down dont they,but I have to deal
with,I the scriptures it asks 'Oh vani tars vani tartham which of us
are happy in this life?,which of has our desire and having it is
gratifiying?'?.
Unlike Tony Green of Turnham green his mongrel layed a cable in the
sandpit of the playground of the SUNDAY SCHOOL,can you believe
that,this is the stuff I have to deal with you know,its not easy
sometimes.
Its like old Harold Hill of Do it yourself dexterity and double
glazing skills,came home to find another gentlemens kippers in the
grill.I dont know they must have had a funny time on the 'Golden
Hind', thats all I can say.
Anyway I will bore you no more of my crazy day ok.
I had trouble again with my car !!.
Its a right old banger and the chassis is bent,its got a great big
peace sign across the back,the windshields cracked and its a bugger to
drive,it starts making smoke over 35mph.I should buy myself a new one
I think dont you my love?.
and you see some young people driving around like mad man dont you?.
I tell them Slow Down' intinerant child the road is full of danger.
Anyway my dearest,dearest love,let me know what airport I should fly
to and I will book a flight and be in your arms soon my love.
Do you have all the documents the security company need?
Rev Steve Ian Dury.
I wonder what she will make of that little lot? Ha ha...................................................................
From Lindia.
Subject: MY DEAREST LOVE
My sweet heart,
I dont know how to explain my joy when i got through your mail.Well i
pray let God makes it possible for us to meet face to face.
My dear you are to fly to Felix houphouët boigny international air
port Abidjan. please try to send your flight schedule to the security
company so that they can arrange on how to pick you in the air
port,and also make a reservation for you in one of those comfortable
hotel,i remember they told me that they use to render such services
for their foriegn customers.
Darling concerning the fee ,please you are to pay it to them ,because
since the death of my father thing has not be eassy for me.My love
what type of gift are you planing to bring for me? make sure you
include a very nice portable GSM cell phone.D, I am not comfortable in
staying with you in your rev brothers house, by the way where is he
staying in ivory coast?
please darling i need your photo were you are alone urgently,just for
me to always put on my chest as i go to bed,as my love for you is
increasing with the speed of 500klm/hr.
please send the photo now as you read this mail.
i stop till i hear from you soon.
yours lovely wife.
LINDIA.
................................................................................................................................................
Subject: RE: Flight
My Dearest Love,
Thank you for your mail.
I have been busy booking flight so I can be in your arms and feel your
loving touch and taste you.
I will send details to the Security Company when I have the flights
confirmed my love.
I will bring you a new model GSM phone and Laptop so we can always be
in touch my love.(This Always helps with the baiting process).Enter 'Gene Vincent'.
I had some bad news this morning regarding our old gardener at the
church Mr Gene Vincent,He was a sweet man.
He was an old sailor from Virgina,he had been ill and I know the
chances were slimand the beautys were brief,Shall I morne you decline
with some thunderbird wine and a blach hankerchief.I miss his sad
virginia whisper,I miss the voice that called my heart.Sweet Gene
Vincent,young then old then gone.
He always had a white face,black shirt,white socks,black shoes,black
hair,white straps always dyed black.I guess there's one in every town.
I`ll miss his lazy skin,ashtray eyes and perferated pride.
My dear I would much rather meet you at the airport,will you meet me
my dearest love?,I would love to see you waiting for me at the
airport,my heart yearns for you my love.
If you feel better I will go with you to a hotel to be alone with you.
I do worry about strange people at airports.
We have some here that they call blockheads,they have blotched and
largered skin,food particles in their teeth what a horrible state
there in.Shoes like dead pigs noses,cornflake packet jackets and
catologue trousers and a mouth that never closes.
This is my flight info OK.
Arrive with Air France.To Abidjan,Felix houphouët boigny international
.
Flight Number:AF702
Arrive: 17:45.
19th June 2003.
I will mail this now to the Security Company but I want you to meet me
my love.
I think of you often while in my bed at nigh,tell me you think of me
to.
Rev Steve Ian Dury
A bit of Gene Vincent and the blockheads................................................................
Subject: Rev S.I Dury Flight Info
Dear Sirs,
As requested please find enclose my flight details below.
May I ask of you to also collect Linida and bring her to the airport
to meet me?.THis would be well rewarded by me,I will bring yopu a gift
of your choice sir if you could do this for me.
Arrive with Air France.To Abidjan,Felix houphouët boigny international
.
Flight Number:AF702
Arrive: 17:45.
19th June 2003.
Please confirm you have recieved this information and how you will
greet me at the airport,you may hold a sign saying 'Ian Dury'.I do not
like to travel as a Rev so I can relax.
Regards My Brother and bless you.
The Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
.........................................................................................................................................
My sweet heart
thanks for the wonderfull gift you promised.
my darling i just come to pick up you single pose for me to sleep
with to night,but what a disapointment,pleasesssssssss i realy need it.
God bless you
lovely lindia
kissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
Well lets see what I can do,will she realsie the pic is 30years later?
Time for the lyrics of A Lullaby to Francis<modified>...................................................
Subject: My Dearest Lindia My Love
My Dearest Love,
Thank you for your mail.
I have enclosed a picture of my self for your dreams my love.
I had to find a picture of just me,being a reverend I always seem to
have someone else in the photo with me.This photo is 1year old when I
was studying on a course in Ely Cathedral last summer.
I am still waiting for you to tell me you will be meeting me also on
the 19th? ,I want to touch and feel you so bad.I asked if the security
company could bring you with them.
I thought of you sleeping without me,so I wrote a lullaby for you,just
think of me naked with you in bed singing this to you my sweetest love.
'' Go to sleep now Lindia,you have done all you can with the day.
Safe and sound,thats a promise,welcoming the milkyway.
Tumbled down tired and true,spirit to restore a balance is due.
Go to sleep now Lindia, close your eyes.
Bring your thoughts up,shut the index,it time to impose a curfew.
You get up fresh and ready with a 101 things to do.
Drowsy now,here comes a space,call a halt the steep magics.
Go to sleep Lindia, close your eyes.
When your life or some old lover cause concern or puzzle,
the more you discover the more you learn.
So go to sleep now,please do not disturb, Lindia close your eyes.''
I hope you liked it Lindia,it took me hours in bed to write,this is
for you my love only,I will sing it to you when we are alone in our
hotel room.
I must go now,as its Sunday I have 3 services to conclude today.
Reverend Steve Ian Dury.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
And who said romance was dead,that will send her bandy..........................................
dearest love
thank for the pose,you have made my life so sweet ,you have made my
dream comes true.i must be in the air port with the security company
to recieve you. i wonder the kiss in the airport on the 19th.
i will be laying with this picture till that great day.
yours lovely lindia
with a warm kissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
Hey hey,she loved it?.Wonder if she will like 'Billeracy Dickie'?.............................
-My Dearest Steve,
thanks for telling me about your self and your Father.
i will also tell you about my uncle mr Ben,since the death of my
father mr Ben is the only family member that is around. is only him i
tell about you ,he also is looking forward to see you.
please dont forget to buy a gift for him as you are comming ,because
he has been takeing good care of me since that incident.
my lovely darling i am waiting to hear from you soon.
lindia with warm kissssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
..........................................................................................................................
Subject: My Dearest
My dearest Lindia,
Thank you my love for your mail today.
I am very busy just now so I will make this mail short,please forgive
me my love.
I will bring your uncle a GSM phone and also a laptop as he has been
so kind to my lover.(The thought of gifts usually helps the baiting).
I miss you and cannot wait until I see you.
Rev Steve Ian Dury
...........................................................................................................................
My dearest steve,
Thanks for the wonderful gift you promised for my uncle
i believe he is going to be more than happy when he recieves
these gift.
Darling, i called the security company this morning to tell them that
i will like to be in the airport with them on the 19th ,they
accepted.they told me that they are waiting for you to send your
passport copies to enable them carry out their job effectively. please
try and do that urgently.
my darling the last photo you send to me is too old, there is a greate
diffrent with the formal one.why not send me the very current one?
please my darling i need this urgently.
May God bless you aboundantly.
Yours sweet heart
Lindia.
with kisssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Too Old? Ha ha..................................................................................................
Subject: My Dear Lindia,
My Lover,
I have your mai,and I have been very busy today with 3
funerals,forgive me,but I cannot not do anything about it.
Now the photo is not that old my love,I still look the same,I will
wear my white collar so you can see me ok.
I will be shopping tomorrow for your gifts thenI have to visit some
people in the parish.I will not be able to email until late tommorrow
my lover.
Please i have alot to plan also for next week and I am trying to
balance my job and my visit just now,forgive me,I have more time on
Saturdays.
Love me soon.
Reverend Steven Ian Dury.
..........................................................................................................................
Hello my sweet heart ,
i have been waiting to hear from you.it rain all day here
yesterday,i could'nt be able to reach you.
please have you concluded every arrangement with the security
company.you know that your arrival is seven days from today.
please hasten up things ,because i have started counting hours to
recieve you into my life.
dearest love
Lindia.
with warm kisssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
......................................................................................................................................
i am waiting anxiously to hear from you.
lovely one
LINDIA with warm kissssssssssssssssssssssssss
Meanwhile we have trouble at the church..........................................
Subject: My Dearest Lindia
My Dearest Love,
I did get your mail but have been busy at the church.
Our Grave Digger had an accident on Friday,it was terrible.
I led a family to the graveside at the burial part of the service only
to find him down in the hole.It seems he had dug the hole and was
standing over at urinating,I was told today by the police that he did
this in every grave,then had a heart attack and died.He had been in
there dead all night.
I had to cancell the burial until this morning while the police did
the investigation.
Oh my dear Lindia,it was horrible for the family and I did not know
what to do,I feel if you were with me you would have helped me in my
problem.
So now it is all done,the life of a Reverend is so demanding,are you
sure you can live with me? although there is alot of 'Fun' times as
well,I get lots of cakes baked for me.
So my love,I will have more time on Monday to chat,I have to rush now.
All my plans are now in place and I will be with you soon my love when
you meet me at the airport on the 19th.I have bought you a beautiful
gift to wear.
Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
Will she care?, Nope....................................................................................
i have been so ill since yesterday,so iam now very weak and tired.
please make sure you send your passport copy to the security company
on monday,for them to prepare our release bond and hotel
reservation,because by friday they told me about it.
let me stop here as i am very sick.
yours lovely Lindia
with warm kisssssssssssssss.
Oh Well, Lets open photo shop and make a passport shall we............................
Subject: REV STEVE IAN DURY
-dear mrs Leo,
Please find attached a copy of my passport page.
Be Blessed
The Reverend Ian Dury.
....................................................................................................................
DEAR SIR,
WE ARE IN RECIEPT OF YOUR PASSPORT COPY,AT THE SAME TIME ARRANGMENTS ARE ON FOR YOUR RECEPTION.
SAVE JOURNEY TO OUR OFFICE
YOURS IN SERVICES
LEO
When you think these guys are making fake documents all the time you would think they would spot a fake passport,this one was so fake ha ha.....
Subject: My Dearest Lindia
My Dearest Lindia,
All my plans are now in place for my trip to you my
love.
I have had a day where I cannot wait to meet you in 2 days time.
I have been dreaming about you in my bed with me wondering if you will
like sleeping with a white man,will you wear some sexy,please tell me
what you plan for me.
Oh my love,what a week,what with billeracy dickie and clevor
trevor,gene vincent stuff,I just want you to wake up and make love to
me.
This is what we find,what a waste,all this sex and drugs and rock and
roll no wonder there are so many itinerate childs about.
Just thinking I want to be straight and not be an in-betweenie,the
silly blockheads.Makes you realise all the reasons to be cheerful I
guess like,my old man,there an`t half been some clever bastards and
they never sorted it out.Gives us all reasons to be cheerful.
Like I said to you to cheer me up,hit me with your rhythm stick,its
been one of those weeks..
Sorry to go on but I have been under stress as you may see.
So until the 19th my love,mash it up harry and think of me.
Reverend Steve Ian Dury
Ha Ha, all the titles off the album in one mail he he he he..................................
Dearest steve,
I am anxiously waiting to meet you,with my wonderful sexy outfit
just come down let have some good time together.I wish you safe
journey and welcome in advance.
yourslovely one,
lindia with warm kissssssssssssssssssss.
Wooo Woooo, She's getting cute....................................................................
Well I'm ment to be arriving at the airport tommorrow where she and the security company are meeting me.
If the Lads are true to form there will only be a couple of guys there ready to rob me of my cash.
I think I will have to get 'Held' at customs and see what happens when she mails me back after waiting for me.
dearest steve
i have been waiting in the air port for nothing.
lindia
Oh Dear,What a Shame Even the Security Company has a dig at me,Ha ha ha.....
SIR,
WHY HAVE YOU LIED TO US???
LEO
Then Lindia again!!........................................................................................................
thanks for putting me into confussion.
lindia
Lets see if they fall for a, 'Let me tell you a story'...............................................
Subject: ITS ME STEVE< URGENT PLEASE
dearest Lindia
WHAT A NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got to Africa on time no problem.
I got stopped on my way through by customs and they searched my bag.
They found the cash money I had but that was no problem,As an EEC
citizen I can carry up to £15,000 .
The problem was the documents I had to take to show the security
company.
They were very suspisious and took them away and left me in a room for
3hours!!!!!!!!.I was terrifieing.
They came back in the room and gave me a sandwich and coffee and
started asking questions about my business in Nigeria and the
documnets.They thought I was involved with a fraud,I told them to go
to the arrivals and speak with Lindia who was waiting holding my
name,but it was 3hours after my flight and you must have left?.
Well,In the end after 8 Hours,YES 8 HOURS!,they told me I had no legal
business there,they took the documents from me and would not let me
enter Africa..
They put me on a flight this afternoon back to Heathrow London.
I have just got home.
Lindia,I am a nervous wreck,I m really worried about this because you
was waiting,and you were waiting for me,and they wouldn't let
me use the email or phone only to phone my brother to see I am not a
criminal and my Bishop to check I was a real Reverend.
LindiaI have been awake now for 49hours and I am a mess.I need a bath
and to sleep.
I am terrified about getting held in a
customs cell again with documents.
Please Please please Lindia, email me in the morning and let me know.
I am so sorry I got turned out of Nigeria,I did all I could,I did not
mention you at all OK,I was secret to my word so dont worry.
Be Blessed.
From A very Tired Steve.
I think that should do it,about as believable as a Lad 100% risk free deal.
I also sent the same mail to Leo at the Fake Security Company.................................
Subject: URGENT PLEASE
MY DEAREST STEVE,
I HAVE BEEN CRYING ALL DAY LONG THINKING THAT YOU FORSAKEN ME NOT
KNOWING THAT YOU ARE SUFERING SUCH MESS IN THE HANDS OF THESE USELESS
CUSTOM OFFICERS.PLEASE MY DEAR IAM VERY SORRY FOR THE
INCONVINIENCES.MY HAPPINESS IS THAT YOU HAVE ARRIVED HOME SAFETLY.
MY DEAR STEVE I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOU.SO PLEASE CONTACT THE
SECURITY COMPANY AND FIND OUT IF IT IS POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO SEND THE
MONEY TO THEM ,SO THAT THEY CAN RELEASE THE BOX FOR ME,THEN I WILL
LOOK FOR A BANKER HERE THAT WILL TRANSFER THE MONEY TO YOUR ACCOUNT,
THEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE TRANSFER I WILL PICK UP MY FLIGHT TO JOIN
YOU UP THERE IN UK.
PLEASE DO THIS URGENTLY BECAUSE I AM NO MORE SAFE HERE.
I REMAIN YOURS
LOVELY LINDIA
She took it,hook,line and sinker, Bless Her.
But looks like Steve is in trouble with the Bishop of Broadmoor(Its a UK Mental Hospital).
Subject: My Dearest
My Dearest,
How overwhelmed I was after your mail my love.
I am still in turmoil over this,I have to go to the Bishop of
Broadmoor on Tuesday and explain myself to him because he got a call
from your customs people and he wants to know what is going on,and why
I was in Africa.
What do I tell him my dearest? I think I will tell him everything,I am
sure as men of God he can see I am doing good by saving you.
I will wait until I have got your email and to find out what to say to
the Bishop of Broadmoor about this,we need a story,he may want to
contact you to see if it all true.I amin so much of a worry and my
flock have asked why I did not come back with you my fiancee.
I will contact the security company on Tuesday after my meeting,then I
will know what to do my love.
Mail me soon and Be Blessed my dearest.
Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
Will she want me to lie to the Bishop?............................................................................................
My dearest steve,
I am very sorry for your bitter expirience in Africa.My darling
please you must not tell the truth to the bishop,because he might
likely obstructe our relationship,as you know that we have individual
diffrences one man's meal is another man's posion.
Tell him that a reverend friend of yours invited you for an opening
ceremony of an ophanage home in Africa,that is why you travelled to
Africa to join him for the ocassion.I have tell this to my uncle,so
you can give my uncle telephone (+225 03070540)to him as that your rev
friend that invited you,so if he call my uncle my uncle will confirm
to him,make sure you call my uncle first before you go to the
Bishop.with this there will be no problem and even suspicion.
My dear why not contact the company on monday,so that everything will
be done quickly,you must know that i am feeling you so deeply,that i
am even losing my apartite to eat my meal,as your flock need me so i
need to be with them as soon as possible.
Please do everything possible to save me from this blow.What about my
gift when are you sending it through courire service?kindly let me
know so that i will tell you whom to send it to ,as you know that i
can not be expose to any of their offices to claim it due to my
condition.
My dear i am waiting to hear from your with love and kisssssss
YOUR Darling Lindia
Looks like she does.........................................................................................................
How are you?why have i not heard from you since today.please reply my
mail.
Remain blessed untill we meet face to face.I will send you the photo i
snapped in the airport .
yours dearly in love
lindia.
Hang on my dear,Steve is worried about getting spanked by the Bishop........................
Subject: My Dearest
My Dearest Lindia,
Thank you for your mails,I dont have many reasons to
be cheerful.
I am with the Bishop in the morning,I hear he is not very happy with
my conduct at the moment.I will speak with him and will tell him all
what you said I should my love.
Please I will mail you tomorrow and hopefuly this worrying matter will
be at a close and we can both get back to planning our future,it is a
worrying time for me my love,please understand.
I have been busy praying for us and I feel the Lord will not let us
down,the Lords love is strong in me.
I will mail tomorrow and I would love your photo as you promised.
Be blessed my love.
Reverend Steven Ian Dury.
.......................................................................................................................................
my dearest one,
i have got your mail, you have nothing to be worried about just tell
the bishop as i told you ,all will be well.
dear you did not tell me when you are to send the gift you have
already bought for me.
please also try to reach the security company as soon as possible.
may God be with you. amen
yours love Lindia.
Looks like Steve sorted it with the Bishop...................................................................
Subject: Re: My Dearest
My Dearest Lindia,
How are you today?.
Well good news , all is well with the Bishop.He calmed down when I
mentioned I may have information about him that would look very good
in the papers,If you know what I mean,I may be a servent of God but I
always have a few tricks up my sleeve,so to speak.
Now,I have been very busy and had alot on my mind,please my love ,tell
me what we now do next? I am at a loss on how we continue.
Please mail me and let me know what you wish of me.
Much Love,Be Blessed,I am sick with your kisses.
Reverend Steve Ian Dury
Is she glad I'm off the hook? Nope, just gets straight back onto the MONEY.............
i am very ok today,yesterday i spoke with the security company,i told
them your bitter experienced on your way comming for the
consignment,they sympartised with us.then i asked them if there is any
possiblity of delivery the consgnment without your present,they told
me that they can deliver through their offshore agents in abroad but
we have to pay the demurrage fee to them first.
So my darling with this i believe it will be easy for us,please
contact them and find out how to make the payment let them move the
consignment to europe.then for myself we shall find away for me to
join you up as soon as possible. because as you may know it is only my
physical body that is still existing here my spirit is already living
with you over there.
My dearest one to proove your endless love for me again,kindly
contact the security company ,so that everything will be done as soon
as possible for me to join you there. I am feeling your love,i regret
the disapointment the hungry customs had caused to our expected 19th
night love.Well let us keep the hope alive because very soon we shall
be toghether in jesus name Amen.
your lovely one
Lindia.
I try and buy time to send her on a wild goose chase for her package.
Also as I have run out of Ian Dury songs lets now introduce Lindia to the characters and plots in the UK Soap 'Eastenders'.....................................................
Subject: My Dearest Lindia
My Dearest Lindia,
How are you today?.Thanks for your mail and speaking
with the security company for me.
Please my love send there contact informations to me and I will do it.
I packaged your gifts today but the UPS office said that because of
thefts and lost packages claims they will not send to that address
area.What do they mean my dearest?.Please give me another address to
send the package ok.
Oh dear what a day I had,I thought it would be better after yesterdays
meeting with the bishop but it looks like he is moving me to another
church in Walford East London.I have heard so many things about that
area,there seems to be goings on 5days every week.
Anyway my love I need my sleep.Please send all the informations to me
soonest.
Reverend Steven Ian Dury
...............................................................................................................................
MY SWEET HEART
MY HEART IS FULL OF JOY FOR YOUR EFFORT SO FAR,WITH THIS I KNOW VERY
SOON WE SHALL BE TOGETHER.PLEASE AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE I AM NOT EXPOSED
TO PUBLIC PLCACES FOR SECURITY REASONS.KINDLY SEND THE PACKAGE VIA MY
PASTOR,PLEASE DONT INCLUDE MY NAME BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT WOULD LIKE
TO SEE ME .SO ADRESS IT TO MY PASTOR,HE IS TRUST WORTHY, HE IS PASTOR
FRANCIS SESSI. 18 BP 3173 ABIDJAN 18 TEL:+225 05 67 20 12.HE WILL
CLAIM IT AND BRING IT TO ME WHERE I AM.PLEASE TO AVIOD TOO MUCH CUSTOM
DUTIES HERE,DONT DECLARE THE REAL AMOUNT YOU PURCHASED THE ITEMS TO
UPS TRY TO BRING DOWN THE PRICE,BECAUSE THEY CACULATE THEIR PACENTAGE
BASE ON THE COST PRICE.
FOR THE SECURITY COMPANY IT IS VERY WISE YOU SPEAK WITH THEM ON
TELEPHONE SO THAT YOU CAN BE ABLE TO EXPRESS YOU MIND TO THEM.THEIR
TEL:+225 0799 1874.
PLEASE DO THAT NOW AND SEND ME A MAIL
MAY GOD BLESS YOU.
YOURS LOVELY ONE.
LINDIA WITH WARM KISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Ah!, Get it sent to a Pastor? Thats an Idea <Evil Grin>.A quick search for a Church miles away should do it,also lets make up a Church Mailing Service..................................................
Subject: My Dearest
My dearest,
Thanks for you mail.
It is ok now as I have sent it already via the Christian Church Overseas Shipping Service.
It has been sent in the name of Rev Dr Dr. N. Onurchin .( A fellow Baiter who agreed to help).
His church is at :
139 UWELU ROAD
Benin City
NIGERIA.
There service is slow but it will arrive to my brothers church by next wednesday.So all you have to do is go to the church and ask for him and tell him that you are Reverend Steve Ian Durys lover,I have spoken with him last night and he suggested the Church Post Service.
I dont know why I never thought of it myself.
He will email me as soon as it arrives so you will know its ok.
I will get him to email you as well when it arrives my love.
Well,it looks like I am to change my parish afteral,I had the letter from the bishop today.
Looks like Walford East London is to get a new Reverend next month,How
would you feel about living in London my love?.
They have a house for me that is being painted as we speak,it is in Albert Square,next to the Queen Victoria Public House.
I went to look last night,that why I was late.
I went into the pub and met the landlord,his name is Alfie and it looks like love is in the air as he has just started dating his barmaid Kat Slater.
I was speaking to a lady called Dorothy Cotton,she is a very nice christian lady,although her son Nick sounds a bit of a handful.
She is married to Jim,a loverly old man,very pleasent I must say.
I was just about to call a taxi when one of the men,his name is Ricky said Charlie had a taxi and would take me back.
Overall it seems a very nice place,it has a nice park bench to sit on,Oh and a fish and chip shop run by Laura,who is very close to giving birth I think.
Anyway my love,I will get Dr Onurchin to mail you when it is in his church and safe my love.
Thinking of you today.
Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
I wonder what she will make of that,not alot I'm guessing.....................................................
My dear Steve,
What did you mean??? am i to go to Nigeria for the package??for your
information i will never go to Nigeria. Have you called the security
company??why did you give me a wrong telephone number?each time i want
to speak with you, it is always bad line.Please explain these things
to me urgently.
Lets put her mind at rest....................................................................................................
Subject: My Dearest
My Dearest,
Please dont worry,once Reverend Dr N gets the package he
can forward it to any church you want in your area.
When he mails you just send him the address and he will post it to the
church ok? Easy stuff.
As for my phone it is my personal phone,being a reverend I cannot stop
what I am doing my love so I have to have it on answer message.
If your Reverend stopped halfway through a funeral to answer his phone
you would be real mad wouldn't you Lindia?.
Anyway,for the security company,all you said was that you had spoken
to them,not that I had to contact them my love,please send the contact
details and who I should speak with.
Write soon my love,
Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
.........................................................................................................................................
MY dearest one,
I got your mail, well as you said that the Nigerian rev will forward
my package there is no problem, i will put my trust on God.We the
francanphone(french speaking country ) are always carefull with the
Nigerians,because of their dubiousness. that is why i was not happy
when you said you chanel my package to Nigeria.
Secondly, make sure you speak with the director of Assistance 2000
security company on monday morning,his direct line is: MR BAMBA DANIEL
TEL:00225 079 918 74. Try to finalised with him all the procedure to
get this box to london as soon as possible.
My dear what are your arrangment on my comming to london? will that
new house be comfortable for us?
may God bless you in abondant.
Yours lovely Lindia.
kissssssssssssss.
Love it,Ha ha, Lets give Lindia some more goings on in 'Eastenders'...............................
Subject: My Dearest
My Dearest Lindia.
I will contact with the company on Monday after mid day pray.
Now the house is nice,it has been renovated now and I went to see it this morning,its beautiful.
A lady in the square,Mrs Pauline Fowler,has offered to pop in and do the last bits to furnish it.She is nice,she works in the local laundry and runs a veg stall as well.You will fall in love with it as soon as you step inside.
It has 4 bedrooms and is really nice my love.
Now as for your travel plans,will you need a visa? I can help arrange that through the church so do not worry,the church has alot of power my love to assit us.
I will be buying you a 1st Class ticket as soon as our money is in our account in the UK.
Iam worried though that you do not trust my Reverend Brother in Nigeria?? He is a good man whom I have met many times,he will contact you soon my love,do not fear him.He is trustworthy and honest like me and is risk free I assure you.(I just had to add that quote).
So my love,I will mail soonest.
Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
......................................................................................................................................
Subject: Dearest Lindia
My Dearest,
I tried to call the company today and I could not get
through on that number?.
I also have not had a reply from you with my last email?are you well
my love? I worry for you when we do not speak.
Please send another number for me to call the company.
Also has the reverend from Nigeria emailed you yet? He said he was
going to introduce himself to you my love for security.
Mail me soon,I am sick with your kisses.(Also one of her quotes ha ha).
Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
Well turns out she is sick and needs me to send her cash for het doctor bill,lets see.......
Dearest love
I was unable to read your mail yesterday, because i am very ill,even
as i am writting this mail i am on my way to my private doctor.My
doctor advised me last week to retrain from too much thinking to aviod
cadiace unrest.He also priscribe some medication and some lab tests.
please my dear i have not been able to go for these treatement because
i dont have money with me,my dear kindly assist me with £500
today or tomorrow to enable me under go the treatment.
Please my sweet heart kindly send it via the werstern union money
transfer to my pastor FRANCIS SESSI in Abidjan,and send the control
number to me so that i will send him to go and get the money for me.As
you know that i cannot go to such place to avoid been identify by the
autority.
For the security company, please continue to try the line ,at times we
do have some net work problem here.have you sent them a mail?
I have not yet recieve any mail from the Nigerian reverend.
Darling i am helding to the hospital as i am waitting for the £500(Watting? Whats Watting?)..
urgently.Pray for me, as God will continue to bless you.
yours lovely one
Lindia with warm kissssssssss.
.....................................................................................................................................
Subject: My dearest
My Dearest,
How sad I feel to hear you are so unwell today.
I can get some money but I will not be able to send it until next week
though,as I have to give my bank 4days notice of money over £250.00.I
will be in Walford next wednesday,I will send it then,do not fear.
As for the company I have been trying to call them,I dont have there
mail address can you send it?.
I will await your mail and will chat later toinight when I have
finished at the church my love.
Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
........................................................................................................................................
MY DEAREST ONE
IT IS PAINFULL THAT I HAVE TO WAIT TILL NEXT WENESDAY BEFORE I CAN
GO AND TREAT MYSELF.
WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY SAYING THAT YOU DONT HAVE THE EMAIL ADDRESS OF
THE SECURITY COMPANY?? HAVE YOU NOT BE COMUNICATING WITH THEM. WELL
HAVE IT AGAIN.as2000scci@yahoo.com TEL:00 225 079 918 74.
GOG BLESS YOU.
LOVELY LINDIA
And her package has not arrived yet.She is having a bad day......................................
My dearest one
Have you decided to abadon me to my sickness?
Why have i not heard from you.
Till today friday no one has sent me a mail from Nigeria.
yours lovely one
lindia .
Been busy at work,but Im back on the case now.......................................................
Subject: My Dearest
My Dearest,
I have emailed the Reverend brother and Iam awaiting his
call,as soon as he does I will mail you.(Seems I have been let down by my fellow baiter)
Now my love,I collected a Western Union Form today and they have
changed slightly.
They need the Passport or ID number of the person collecting the
money.Can you send it before Wednesday for when I get the money from
my bank.
Be Blessed my love.
Reverend Ian Dury.
Just found out the Western Union have added another security feature to its payment slips.Well I`d better mail the security company,I forgot all about them,as you probably guessed.It happens sometimes when you have 7 anti scams running at the same time,I will promise to try harder ok...........................................................
Subject: Need Consigment Information Please Sir.
Dear Sir,
After being held at Customs and returned to my country after
trying to visit you with Mrs Lindia I need further informations from
you regarding collecting the consignment in Europe as discussed with
Mrs Lindia and yourselves last week.
I await you informations.
The Hon Reverend Steven Ian Dury( Has a nice ring to it dont you think?).
................................................................................................................................
MY DEAREST ONE
PLEASE HAVE THE ID OF THE PASTOR. I CANT WRITE SO MUCH AS I AM STILL
VERY SICK.
LOVELY LINDIA
Oh Dear,Lindia is sick,I wonder how much money she wants me to send her?.
So I get a mail from the Fake Security Company.
DEAR REV DURY,
WE ARE IN RECIEPT OF YOUR MAIL, ACTUALLY YOUR WIFE LINDIA TOLD US WHAT HAPPENNED HERE IN THE AIRPORT,WE REGRET THE DISSAPOINTMENT.(My Wife?).
WE ARE CAPABLE TO DELIVER YOUR CONSIGNMENT IN YOUR COUNTRY IF YOU MEET OUR CONDITIONS.WHICH IS AS FOLLOW:
(1)YOU MUST PAY THE DEMURRAGE ACCUMULATED BEFORE AIRLIFTING YOUR CONSIGNMENT.
(2) YOU WILL PAY FOR THE DIPLOMATIC SHIPING SERVICES IN COLLECTION OF THE CONSIGNMENT IN YOUR COUNTRY.
PLEASE IF YOU AGREE TO THESE CONDITION LET US KNOW IMMEDIATELY,SO AS TO LINK YOU WITH OUR ACCOUNT DEPT FOR YOU TO MAKE THE PAYMENT ,TO ENABLE US PREPARE THE AIRWAY BILL FOR THE IMMEDIATE AIR LIFTMENT OF YOUR CONSIGNMENT.
YOURS IN SERVICES
MRS LEO.
....................................................................................................................................................................................
Subject: My Dearest
My Dearest,
Thanks for the copy of ID,but I only needed a number off it,so I will use the number on the ID with the photo.
I will forward the WU info on Wednesday when I get back from London,it will be about 7pm UK time zone.
Did the Rev mail you today?.The package arrived yesterday at his church and wants to know where to forward it to?.There will be an extra charge of $5.00 to forward it,you may have to pay when it
arrives at your address Im not sure but will find out ok.
I am so sorry you are feeling sicky,I will be praying for your health.
Be Blessed my love.
Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
Opps nearly forgot to mail the Fake Security Company back.............................................................
Subject: MRS LEO.
Mrs Leo,
Thank you very much for your swift answer to my mail.
I am glad you know the situation my wife and I are in.
I have no problem with the contents of your mail.
Please forward an Airway bill to me and also a breakdown of costs and I will arrange payment to you via BACS bank transfer,it will only take 1day to reach your business account.(They hate that).
So please include your bank informations with your mail.
Thank you once again for your kind attention in this matter.
Be Blessed
Reverend Steve Ian Dury.
UK.
.....................................................................................................................................................
My dearest one.
I manage to asses my box this morning just because i want to hear from
you.i now have pains in all the parts of my body.
As i am writing it is 09:34 gmt i have not recieved any mail from
nigeria.
Please try and get in touch with him.
My dear pray hearder for me.
remain bless my darling.
lindia
Then as quick as a quick thing I get a bill from the Fake Security Company...............................
DEAR REV DURY
WE ARE VERY MUCH COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR MAIL.
PLEASE BE NOTE THAT YOUR DEMURRAGE BY TOMORROW WENESDAY 9TH JULY 2003 WILL READ $9,750 USD ACCORDING TO OUR AGREEMENT WITH THE DEPOSITOR,(ie storage charges $50 per day) WHICH YOU ARE TO PAY TO OUR ACCOUNT BELOW:
BICICI BANK ABIDJAN.
BRANCH :PLATEAU.
ACC:09746 026535 001-83 XOF
FAVOUR OF: LEOPOLDINE BANHIE
REMEMBER TO SEND US THE TRANSFER SLIP THE MOMENT THE TRANSFER IS MADE SO AS TO HASTEN UP OUR SERVICES.
FOR THE DIPLOMATIC SHIPING SERVICES IT MAY NOT BE MORE THAN $3500. WHICH IS TO BE PAID TO THE DIPLOMAT IN COLLECTION THERE IN UK.
WE SHALL ARRANGE YOUR AIRWAY BILL THE MOMENT WE CONFIRM THE PAYMENT OF THE DEMURRAGE FEE.
YOURS IN SERVICE
MRS LEO
Well the day comes and our poor sickly Lindia has another disapointment<all say aahh>
I am kinda getting bored with our Lindia,she has waited many times for a payment and even waited for me at the airport.Even with her trying her 'Sickly' thing she tried to get money for doctors fee's,she's a real star<bless>.
Anyway I have decided to end this one and send her a piccy of Mr Udo Watt doing his thing and letting her know she has been well and truly baited.
I wonder if she will be well enough to reply???
Subject: WHAT A DISSAPOINTMET??
WHAT A DISSAPOINTMET??
Short and sweet I guess.
