| JOKES ONE |
| The New Priest Jitters The new parish priest had his first mass, and it was a humbling experience. His sermon was choppy, incoherent, and he was so nervous he had to get his vestments dry cleaned for the amount he had sweat. The elder monsignor suggested that he have a glass of vodka next to him on the pulpit. He took his advice and proceeded to talk up a storm during the homily. After mass, he went back to the rectory and found a note on his door from the monsignor. It read: Dear Fr __________, A few pointers: 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 apostles, not 10. 4. Jesus was CONSECRATED, not CONSTIPATED. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a**. 6. We don't refer to Jesus Christ as "the late J.C." 7. The Holy Trinity is Father, Son and Holy Ghost, not Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. 8. When David was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a**. 9. At the Last Supper, Christ said "Take, eat, this is my body." not "Eat me." 10. Recommended grace before meals is not, "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God! |
| New Books Staying Happily Married - Elizabeth Taylor Beauty Secrets - Janet Reno Home Built Airplanes - John Denver Downhill Skiing - Sonny Bono History of the Atlantic Crossings of the Titanic - White Star Lines Flying at Night - JFK Jr. How to Win the Super Bowl - Dan Marino My Life's Memories - Ronald Reagan Things I Love About Bill - Hilary Clinton Things I Can't Afford - Bill Gates My Plan to Find the Real Killers - O.J. Simpson The Wild Years - Al Gore All The Men I've Loved Before - Ellen DeGeneres Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette |
| A Good Republican Joke Al Gore, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush were all on the same airplane. That airplane crashed and they all died. Instead of going to heaven, however, they found themselves standing on one bank of the River Jordan. St. Peter was on the other bank, and they yelled to him, "Hey! What's the big idea?"St Peter said, "You know, it's not that easy to enter into heaven! First you must cross the River Jordan. But, there's a catch. As you progress in the river, the water will get deeper with the amount of sins that you have committed. Bush was feeling confident, so he went first. The water lapped at his ankled, then his calves, then his knees, then his thighs, then his waist, then his chest. It was up to his neck, and he was starting to sweat. But, as soon as he began to despair, the water level began to decrease. As he came to the other bank, he rejoiced, but he was astonished when he turned back. There was Al Gore walking in the middle of the river with the water only lapping at his ankles. Bush became irate and said, "Wait! Something's wrong here! I know Al Gore personally, and I know FOR A FACT that he has committed more sins than I have! Gore said, "Yes you're probably right, but don't worry. I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!" |
| Chemistry Final Four best friends were in the same chemistry class, and all did exceptionally well. On Friday, with the final approaching on Monday, they decided to go down to the college campus and party. It was a whil away, so they drove down there on Friday after school. They partied at the frat house all day Saturday, and recovered from the hangover all of Sunday into Monday morning. When they awoke on Monday morning, they realized they were going to be late for the final. They hurried into the car and rushed back to the campus, but too late. They approached the chemistry teacher and said, "We're so sorry we missed the final! You see, we went out over the weekend and, as we were coming back, a tire blew and we were on such a desolate sretch of highway that no one came to help us until it was too late for us to make it." The others concurred and asked if they could have a make-up final. The teacher said, "Well, I don't normally do this, but, since you're all A students, I'll make an exception. Come here early Tuesday morning." The four rejoiced and thought that they'd pulled off a magnificent trick. On Tuesday morning, they were assigned to 4 different rooms and each given the same test paper. Being A students, they figured it was going to be a breeze, especially when the proctor announced that the final would be only TWO questions, with a page to be written for each question. They opened their test papers. 1.) (worth 5% of the grade) Describe the amine molecule. All did that with ease, and all was well until they saw the second question. 2.) (worth 95% of the grade) Which tire? |