JOKES II!
The Gravy Ladle
A young priest had just been transferred to another church.  The monsignor there decided to invite him over to his house for dinner.  While there, the priest could not help but notice the monsignor's beautiful housekeeper.  The monsignor, observing his actions, said, "I know what you're thinking, and let me assure you that the relationship between myself and my housekeeper is PURELY PROFESSIONAL."  During the dinner, the two had soup served with a beautiful silver gravy ladle.  After they talked for a while, the young priest left for his own home.
A week later, the housekeeper told the monsignor that she had noticed that the silver gravy ladle had been missing ever since the young priest had left.  After throroughly inspecting the house, they found nothing.  He didn't suspect that the young priest had taken it, but he decided to write the priest a note. to make sure.  It read:
Dear Fr. _____________,
I'm not saying that you did steal a silver gravy ladle, and I'm not saying that you did not steal a silver gravy ladle.  But, the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you came over to my house for dinner.
When the young priest got this note, he quickly replied.  Several days later, the monsignor got the note.  It read:
Dear Msgr. ______________,
I'm not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with your housekeeper.   But the fact remains that, if you had been sleeping in your own bed for the past week, you would've found the gravy ladle by now.
The Only REAL Beer
Three executives of Coors, Budweiser, and Guinness, respectively, are attending the International Beer Conference. They all decided, one day of the conference, to go out to a bar.  The bartender asked for their orders.
The Coors executive said, "Let me have the beer brewed with fresh Rocky Mountain spring water.  Give me a Coors."  The bartender immediately served him his Coors.
The executive from Budweiser said, "Give me 'The King of Beers.'  Let me have a Bud."  The barkeeper did this immediately.
The executive from Guinness said, "I'll be having a water tonight, thank you."  The barkeeper was puzzled for a moment, then gave him his water.
The executives from Bud and Coors were stunned.  They inquired, "Why did you order a water?"
The Guinness executive calmy explained, "Well, if you two aren't having beers, I might as well not either."
The Foul-Mouthed Parrot
When little Timmy got a parrot for his birthday, he was thrilled.  The parrot, to say the least, wasn't.  He was full grown, had a bad attitude, and a worse vocabulary.  Literally, every other word out of his mouth was an expletive or rude to some extent.  Anything that Timmy tried to do to help backfired.  Talking nicely made the parrot make fun of him.  Yelling and strict admonition made the parrot worse.  Finally, Timmy was fed up.  He stuffed the parrot in the freezer and thought that would teach him his lesson.  For a while, the parrot ranted on, but after a while it became dead silent - too silent.  After a little longer, Timmy opened the freezer and the parrot politely stepped out on to Timmy's finger.  He made a short speech, saying, "I am terribly sorry for all of the foul and uncouth language that I have said in the past.  I will now try to mend my ways."  Timmy said, "That's very good of you!"  The parrot said, "One question, though.  While I was in the freezer I noticed something.  May I ask you what did the chicken do?"
Happy Halloween to you too!
An old, bald man with a wooden leg wrote a letter to Acme Costume Company.  He was going to a costume party in three weeks for Halloween and he needed a costume.  He wrote to the company to see if they had any ideas.  A few days later, a box was delivered to his house.  A letter from Acme was inside along with a black bandana.  The letter read:
Dear Sir,
By the description you have given us, we think that you would make the perfect pirate, especially with that wooden leg!
The man was furious.  He incensed them as he wrote them back, accuding them of accentuating his wooden leg.  He demanded that they send him a replacement costume.
Acme wrote him back and sent him another costume.  The letter read:
Dear Sir,
We are terribly sorry for the costume we sent.  However, we think, with you bald head, you would be the perfect monk!  Enclosed is a black robe for you to wear that will cover up your leg.
He lashed out at them again, accusing them of accentuating his bald head.  Acme was fed up now.  A fewdays before the party, the old man received a box from Acme.  In it was a huge container of molasses.  The letter htat was sent along with it read:
Dear Sir:
O.K.  So you don't want to be a pirate?  So you don't want to be a monk?  You don't want to "accentuate" your bald head and wooden leg?  Fine!  Here's some molasses!  Pour it over your head to cover up your bald head.  Stick that wooden leg up your a**, and go as a caramel apple!