How do crazy people go through the forest?
On the psycho-path!
How do you get Holy Water?
Boil the hell out of it!
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick!
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses!
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
Frostbite!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck!
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka!
Why did the pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat!
What goes, "Clop, clop, clop, clop, BANG, BANG, clop, clop, clop, clop?"
An Amish drive-by shooting!
How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Someone's gonna lose a trailer!
Smart People Part I - The Jocks
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever one comes first." (N.O. Saints RB George Rogers)
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (Joe Theismann)
"I'm gonna graduate on time, no matter how long it takes!" (Senior basketball player at U. of Pittsburgh)
"You guys line up alphabetically by height! And you, pair up in groups of 3 and line up in a circle!" (Bill Peterson, Florida State U. football coach)
"I can't really remember the names of the night clubs we went to." (Shaquille O'Neal on whether, on a trip to Athens, he had seen the Parthenon)
"My sister's having a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt!" (Chuck Nevitt, NC State basketball player when asked by coach Jim Valvano on why he was looking so nervous during practice)
"Son, looks to me like you're concentrating too much on one subject" (Shelby Metcalf, Texas A&M basketball coach, recalling what he told a player who'd received four F's and one D)
Smart People Part II - Marion Barry
"The contagious people of D.C, have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."
"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate."
"First, it was not a strip bar; it was an erotic club. Second, what can I say? I'm a night owl!"
"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I assure you there are."
"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100 % of whom were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."
"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"
"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."
New State Mottos
ALABAMA: "Yes, We Have Electricity" ARKANSAS: "Litterasy Ain't Everthing"
GEORGIA: "We Put The 'Fun' in 'Fundamentalist Extremism' !"
HAWAII: "Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru" ("Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money")
IDAHO: "Potatoes and NeoNazis ... What More Could You Ask For?"
IOWA: "We Do Amazing Things With Corn!" KENTUCKY: "5 Million People; 15 Last Names"
LOUISIANA: "We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign."
MICHIGAN: "First Line of Defense From the Canadians"
MINNESOTA: "10,000 Lakes; 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes"
MISSISSIPPI: "Come Feel Better About Your Own State" NEBRASKA: "Ask About Our State Motto Contest!"
NEVADA: "Prostitutes and Poker!" NEW HAMPSHIRE: "Go Away and Leave Us Alone"
NEW JERSEY: "Ya' Wanna !$#^@^ Motto? I Got Yer !$#^@^ Motto Right Here!"
NORTH CAROLINA: "Tobacco is a Vegetable" OKLAHOMA: "Like The Play - But No Singing."
PENNSYLVANIA: "Cook With Coal" RHODE ISLAND: "We're Really NOT an Island"
SOUTH CAROLINA: "Remember the Civil War? We Never Actually Surrendered ..."
TENNESSEE: "The Educashun State" UTAH: "Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus" VERMONT: "Yep"
VIRGINIA: "Who Ever Said That Slackjaw Yokels and Government Stiffs Can't Mix?"
WASHINGTON: "Help! We're Being Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!"
WASHINGTON, D.C.: "Wanna Be Mayor?" WEST VIRGINIA: "One Big Happy Family - Really!"
WISCONSIN: "Come Cut Our Cheese!"