| How The Internet Began In Ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without leaving thy tent?" And Abraham looked at her as if she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Service (UPS)." Abraham thought long and hard and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates's drumheads and drumsticks. Dot did say, "Oh Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO!" said Abraham. And that is how it all began - it wasn't Al Gore after all. More Deep Thoughts When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead."? If a man is standing in the middle of a forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong? Ways To Deal With Work-Related Stress Use a Mastercard to pay for a Visa and vice versa. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. When someone says, "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans. Tape pictures of your boss to watermelons and launch them from high places. Fill out your tax form using Roman numerals. Tatoo "Out To Lunch" on your forehead. Go shopping; buy everything; sweat in it; return it the next day. Pay you electric bill in pennies. Drive to work in reverse. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. Write a short story using alphabet soup. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it. Bill your doctor for time spent in his or her waiting room. Do your assignments in binary code. Smart People - Good Quotes "I would not live forever because we should not live forever because if we were supposed to live forever then we would live forever but we cannot live forever which is why I would not live forever" - Miss Alabama 1994 (Hair color, anyone?) "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey (What a caring actress.) "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields (Really? What part?) " We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." - Jason Kidd (when he was with the Mavs - which is why he's now with the Nets) "It isn't pollution that's harming our environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Al Gore (The Great Environmentalist he ain't) "I love California - I practically grew up in Phoenix." - Dan Quayle (Who else.) "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." - Col Gerald Wellman - ROTC Instructor (And that would be called ...) "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. Yo umay reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." - Dep't of Social Services in (Where else) Greenville, SC The Dan Quayle Memorial Section "The loss of life will be irreplaceable." "It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago." "I recently was on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." "Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation." Mergers Hale Business Systems + Mary Kay Cosmetics + Fuller Brush + W.R. Grace = Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace Polygram Records + Warner Bros. + Zesta Crackers = Polly, Warner, Cracker 3M + Goodyear = MMMGood Zippo Mfg. + Audi Motor Car + Dofasco + Dakota Mining = ZipAudiDoDa Federal Express + UPS = FED UP Fairchild Electronics + Honeywell Computers = Fairwell Honeychild Knott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOW! |
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