jokes7

Wisdom of the Ancients
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk in front of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- Before you criticize anyone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
- Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience, which often comes from bad judgment.
- Duct tape is like the Force; it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
- There are two theories to arguing with women - neither one works.
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Stephen Wrightisms
- I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen ... and replaced by exact duplicates.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal ideas from many people is research.

Why Man And Dinosaurs Are Doomed To The Same Fate

- When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, CA, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again - this time it worked.

- The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The claim was approved.

- After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyoen there waiting a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

- An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received fro man oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

- A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked her to give her an examination for her daughter's swollen abdomen. The doctor took 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention to you, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."

Hotline to Heaven

If heaven had a voice-mail system, what would it sound like? Here's one thought ...

Thank you for calling heaven.
For English, press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 3.

Please select one of the following options:
- Press 1 for request.
- Press 2 for thanksgiving.
- Press 3 for complaints.
- Press 4 for all others.

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to:
- God, press 1;
- Jesus, press 2;
- Holy Spirit, press 3.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven, press 5, then enter his or her Social Security # followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3-16. For answers to nagging questionns about dinosaurs, life, and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today; please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed now for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day!

JOKES 7