Airing Dirty Laundry

Lucysmom

Pairings: None

Rating: Gen

Summary: Ray and Fraser and Dief and the turtle meet a certain Pet Psychic. I watch too much TV, This was inspired by the Psychic's interview with an Iguana who hated a cat who lived in the same apartment. I am not making this up. It started the old wheels going.

Warnings: You have got to be kidding, even Ray watches his language.

Ray could not believe what Fraser had talked him into now. He was sitting in a television studio of a famous Chicago talk show hostess with a turtle bowl perched on his lap and a part wolf sprawled on his foot. Fraser was talking to a production assistant, a gorgeous production assistant. Ray still could not believe that Fraser had been contacted to bring Diefenbaker to the television studio to appear on a show with the Pet Psychic Lady. Ray could also not believe that Fraser had talked him into bringing his turtle. Ray liked his turtle, he just had trouble believing that a tiny little turtle brain could hold any thing of interest to anyone.

Soon Fraser and Ray were taken out of the green room and their names were announced and they were led out onto the set. A grey-haired elegant woman was seated on a chair. She stood as Dief bounded up to her and she bent done and in her elegant British accent told him what a magnificent creature he was.

Fraser said: "Thank you, but Dief is deaf. He can't hear you."

The Pet Psychic looked at Fraser for a long time. Then she looked at Diefenbaker. Then she looked at Fraser again. She said: "I know you are a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman, but what do I call you?"

Fraser replied: "My proper title is Constable Benton Fraser."

"Well, Constable Fraser, it seems your friend here has been having a bit of a go with you. He may once have had a problem with his hearing, but I assure you, he can now hear as well as you and I."

There was a loud guffaw from Ray who burst out with: "I knew old FurFace was holding out on you. I told you that wolf can hear."

"Diefenbaker, I am ashamed of you. All this time you led me to believe that you could not

hear me.", Fraser pouted.

"Don't be too hard on him, Fraser. He has probably heard more Inuit stories than me and he just pretended to be deaf in defense.." Ray said laughing.

The Pet Psychic cut in and said: "This is an animal who is in a lot of turmoil. Diefenbaker feels you do not appreciate him and he wants to go live with the turtle. Something to do with pizza:"

She turned to Ray. "You don't feed your turtle pizza, do you?'

Ray looked sheepish and said: "Well, sometimes."

The pet psychic looked at Ray's lap. The turtle had not moved. She looked at Ray. "This is a very unhappy turtle. She definitely does not like pizza, only the pineapple.. She also definitely does not want that big hairy beast, her words, not mine, moving in with two of you. She does not like the wolf.

Diefenbaker is always muttering at her. He threatens her and says he is going to eat her. She is afraid to be in the same room with him."

Ray interrupted: "See. Wait a minute, my turtle is a girl?"

The Pet Psychic replied: " I can assure you that she is indeed a girl turtle. She would like to have a more feminine name, rather than Butch. "

Ray shrugged and said: "Who knew? Well, anyway. I told you they were natural enemies. This proves it Ever since that Fear the Turtle shirt incident, Dief has been out to get my turtle. No way he is worming his way into our happy home."

The Pet Psychic said: " I want to assure you that Dief promises he will not hurt the turtle. He actually likes her."

Ray muttered: "Yeah, on toast."

The Pet Psychic shoke her head rather sadly. "No, no I assure you., Diefenbaker is sincere."

There was a commercial break. Diefenbaker spendt it trying to worm his way closer to Ray,

who was trying to move away from him and balance the turtle bowl. Fraser was in a snit, because, well because he is Fraser and he just found out on national TV that his constant companion for nigh these many years has been pulling the wool over his eyes or stuffing it in his ears to be more exact.

When the cameras returned, Fraser, Ray, Dief and the turtle were no where in sight and the famous

hostess was saying: "And now we would like to introduce Tootsie LaRue and her famous performing

pidgeon."

Ray and Fraser were standing in the wings. Ray turned to Fraser and said: "I swear, Frase, if that furball touches Butch on the ride home, I'll kick him in the head."

Fraser replied: "Honestly Ray, that would constitute animal cruelty. Anyway, he is going to be too busy apologizing to me to bother your turtle."