Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
Not funny? Well, e-mail your fav jokes to sckamd@yahoo.com
Here are some jokes we've managed to dig up:
A man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing only saran wrap undies.
The psychiatrist says "Ok, all I have to say to you is that I can clearly see
your nuts".
The best way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror...
"why?" you ask?...because you get kicked out of the restaurant before
you can eat too much!!
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,
carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak
with the president of the bank to open a savings account
because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally
ushered her into the president's office!
The bank president then asked her how much she would
like to deposit. She replied, "$100,000!" and dumped
the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came
by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised
you're carrying so much cash around.
Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied,
"I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you
$50,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take
my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $50,000
that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there
is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with
me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the
bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking
his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure.
There was absolutely no way his balls were square and
that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old
lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated
the bet: "$50,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady
asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president did. The little old lady peered closely at
his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well,
Okay," said the president,"$50,000 is a lot of money,
so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging
his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady,
"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied,
"Nothing, except I bet him $150,000 that at 10:00 AM today,
I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
If Santa were to be honest...
******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I wud lika a kool toy spce ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to
read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space
ranger. At least he can spell.
Santa
******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up
that dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's instead.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,
a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you
under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer
outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots
make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh.
Do me a favour . Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
******************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where
I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films.
I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of
cocktail waitresses while losing money at the crap
table. Hey , you wanted to know
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you
really know when we're awake, like the song?
Love, Jessica.
Dear Jessica
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever
you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Can I please, please, please, please, please
have a puppy?
Your friend Timmy.
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your
folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're
getting a sweater again.
Santa
****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our
house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a low-rent apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars
do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Senior joke!
At the Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
When he finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or Down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day She said yes, and here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?"
The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down?" She replied "Up."
This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "FUCK or DROWN!"
It was the talk of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old
girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out
to congratulate the fellow.
"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered,
"You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said,
"You must be quite a man." He responded,
"You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said,
"Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."
Little Bacha's Prognosis
A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they spoke, her
Little Bacha could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room -
yet she made no attempt to restrain him.
Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing.
Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor,
"I hope you don't mind my Little Munda playing in there."
"No, not at all," said the doctor calmly. "I'm sure he'll calm down as soon as
he finds the poison."
A quick management course.........
Lesson Number One:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson? To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up!
************************
Lesson Number Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was
promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson? Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.
****************************
Lesson Number Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold that the
bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there
in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy,
and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and
came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson?
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Here endeth your management course.
~*Singh Jokes*~ (don't take offense ^.^!)
One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America.
A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing?"
Singh answered, " No, I am Banta Singh."
Another guy came and asked the him the same question.
Singh answered, "No! No! Me Banta Singh!"
A third one came and asked him the same question again.
Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun.
He went up to him and asked,
"Are you Relaxing?"
The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
The Singh slapped him on his face and said,
"Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and your are sitting over here!"
----------------------------------------------------
A Singh died and went to heaven.
When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in
effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a
prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though
it's not the answer I expected.
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"
The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc..."
Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.
----------------------------------------------------
Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around
his living room.
Jasmeet: "What are you searching for?"
Santa: "Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"
Santa: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he
keeps saying,
'You are watching the Star World channel'.
How does he know that?"
---------------------------------------------
Three men were stranded on an uninhabited island. One was Hindu, one a
Muslim, and the other a Singh. The only way back home was to swim 100 miles to
the next island, which was inhabited.
The Muslim was so determined to get home that he tried to swim.
He made it 50 miles, got tired, and drowned.
Then the Hindu tried. He made it 75 miles, but got tired and he too drowned.
The Singh thought he could make it all the way, so he started swimming.
He swam 50 miles, but started getting tired, so he swam all the way back to the
island.
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Two Singhs (pilots) try to land an airplane in the United States.
They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot screamed
"The runway is ending!".
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air.
They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the
ground, the pilot screams again
"Get the plane up, the runaway is ending!"
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air. They make a big turn
and start descending again.
This goes on again and again.
During their fourth descent the pilot says:
"Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge, expensive airport but
with such a short runaway",
"I know" answers the second pilot,
"But look how wide they made it."
---------------------------------------------------
Having lost his donkey a Singh, got down to his knees and started thanking
God.
A surprised passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you
thanking God for ?"
The Singh replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the
donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
-------------------------------------------------
Once a Singh was traveling in a train.
He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train Rs 20 to
wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that
for Rs 20, the Sardarji deserved more service.
So, when the Singh fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.
When the station arrived, the Singh was woken up, and he went home.
Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw
himself in the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?"
He replied
"The cheat on the train has taken my Rs 20 and woken up someone else".
----------------------------------------------------
Once there was a train, which was going peacefully on the
rail-tracks.
Suddenly the train deviated from the tracks, went into the fields nearby and
then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified.
At the next railway station the driver was arrested
He was found to be a Singh. He was questioned.
He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving
from there even after blowing the horn, flashing the lights etc.
The authorities questioned : Mr. Singh are you mad!
Just to save the life of one person you put the lives of so many
passengers in danger. You should have run that person over.
Singh said : That is exactly what I had decided, but this idiot started running
towards the field when the train got real close.
------------------------------------------------
Two Singh went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out
of their pockets and started to eat them.
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner.
So the two sardars swapped their sandwiches.
-------------------------------------------------
Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out.
His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied
"Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought
and at last I wrote THUNK!!!"
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Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for
five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws
them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well.
His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here,
'Answer the following questions in brief'.
---------------------------------------------
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell.
So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid ?"
First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."
-------------------------------------------------
A Singh goes to a hotel and eats heartily.
After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead.
The manager comes running and asks him, "Mr. Singh, what are you doing?"
To this the man replies,"Oye, see the board here, "Wash Basin".
Two guys were caught smoking pot and got sent to court.
When they arrived there the Judge said to them, “I’ll give you a chance to prove yourselves. If you can persuade a considerable amount of people to give up drugs in 24 hours, then we’ll drop all charges otherwise it’s straight to jail.”
The two guys agreed to this and then went outside to complete this.
The next day they both were present at court. The judge calls on the first
guy and asks him how many people he convinced. He replied,
“I managed to convince a total of 17 people your honour”
So the judge wanted to hear this method. So he told him,
“Well on a piece of paper I wrote an ‘O’ and an ‘o’ .
The first one was the users brain size before drugs and the second o was the
effect of brain size after drugs.
“Well done !! You are to be released. Now for your friend”
The second guy responded,
“Well your honour I convinced 147 people to give up drugs”
Judge: “Really ? You MUST tell me how you did it!!”
So the guy answers
“Well, on a piece of paper I drew an ‘o’ and an ‘O’”
Then I said to them,
“The first one is what your butt-hole is like BEFORE you go to jail...”