If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they be called Fed UP?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
How many people thought of post-it notes before it was invented, but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a bus station is where the train stops, and a train station is where the train stops, why do I have a work station at my desk?
If a case of the claps spreads, is it considered a case of the applause?
If a cat always lands on it's feet, and buttered bread always land buttered side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
If a chronic liar tells you he's a chronic liar, do you believe him?
If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If inert is stationary, what's ert?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If Jimmy cracks corn and nobody cares, why does he keep doing it?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If olive oil comes from olives, what does baby oil come from?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If quitter never win, and winners never quit, who came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?
If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave scum?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing tag, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone invented instant water, what would you mix it with?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?
If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the tube?
If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
If cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
If the folks at the psychic hotline were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
If the funeral procession is at night, do people drive with their lights off?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
Can a deaf person hear himself think?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If feathers tickle people, do the tickle birds?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
Do the minutes on a movie box include the previews, credits and special features, or just the movie itself?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
Why is it that a cargo is transported ship, while a shipment is transported by car?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Why do people point to their wrist when the ask for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they're going to look up "there" anyway?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why is it called a pineapple, when there's neither pine nor apple in it?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do birds have white poop?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why is an elevator called an elevator even when it's going down?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first site?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
Why is it that when your almost dead you're on deaths' doorstep, but when you die you're not in death's house?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
What's the opposite of opposite?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Why are toenail clippers bigger then fingernail clippers when your toenails are smaller then your fingernails?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"?
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Why is the blackboard green?
Why do they call it black light when it's really purple?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
Does the President get President's Day off?
What do you call male ballerinas?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out feet first?
Why are pennies bigger then dimes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Are zebras black with white stripes or white with black stripes?
If Pringles are so good "once you pop you can't stop" why do they come with re-sealable lids?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
What came first, the fruit or the colour orange?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Can blind people see their dreams?
What is the exception to the rule that every rule has an exception? Does that make this rule right or wrong?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When sign makers go on strike, is there anything written on their signs?
When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
When vultures are on their death bed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
When you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're staring at the carpeting?
Where are Preparation A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Who invented accents?
Who named everything?
Who tows the tow truck when it breaks down?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word lisp?
Why builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations if smoking is prohibited there?
Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
Why are there Braille signs on the drive-up ATMs?
Why are there ever any artist's materials in the drawing room?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?
Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why aren't there bullet proof pants?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do airlines call flights non-stop? Won't they all stop eventually?
Why do bars advertise live bands?
What does a dead band sound like?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do feet smell and noses run, yet noses smell and feet run?
Why do guys wear underpants?
Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
Why do the call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche that you keep after using?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they're all stuck together?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments and a suitcase?
Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when we're already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do you weep and sniffle over over a TV program and the imaginary?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does the alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does bottled water have an expiration date?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
What would cheese say if you took its picture?
Why are turds pinched at the end?
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be under whelmed, but can you ever just been whelmed?
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
Why does Donald Duck where a towel when he comes out of the shower if he doesn't usually wear pants?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
What would you use to dilute water?
What should one call a male ladybird?
How can military troops be deployed if they've never been ployed to begin with?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out of it's nose?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Do you need a silencer if you're going to shoot a mime?
Can I get arrested for running into a fire house and screaming "Movie! Movie!"?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Can you get addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat it?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?
Have you ever noticed how when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad, and yet when you take him in the car, he stick his head out the window?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?
Do Roman paramedics call an IV a 4?
Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day, and cold as hell the next?
How can the be self help groups?
How come Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
How do they get the deer to cross at the yellow signs?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
How do you know when run out of invisible ink?
How does the shelf salesman keep his shop from looking empty?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
How fast do you have to go keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun it?
If a tree fell on a mime, would he make a sound? And would anyone care?
If turtle loses its shell is it homeless or naked?
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
If all the psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
If an orange is orange, then why isn't a lemon called a yellow or a lime a green?
If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what would u call it?
If you have a friend that works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
If you have an open mind, why don't your brains fall out?
If you have your finger touching a review mirror that says "objects in mirror are closer then they appear", how is that possible?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how will you know when you're done?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you take a shower, where do you put it?
If you throw a cat out the car window does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
If you're cross-eyed and dyslexic, can you read correctly?
If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
If you yell at plants instead of talking to them, do they grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is it progress if a cannibal learns how to eat with a fork?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is there a Dr. Salt?
Isn't it a little scary that a doctor's work is called a practice?
Can you grow birds by planting bird seed?
What came first the chicken or the egg?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Shouldn't some things be done in moderation?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
What colour is a chameleon in a mirror?
If you choked a smurf, what colour would it turn?
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked out?
What do sheep count if they can't sleep?
What do you do when you see and endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbit's foot?
What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 ups?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What happens if you cal a 1-800 number collect?
What if a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
What is the speed of dark?
What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
What's another word for "synonym"?
When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they're done wiping their butt?
Why do you click on Start to exit Microsoft Windows?
Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If we all evolved from monkeys, how come there's still monkeys around today?
Why do speedometers go up past the speed limit?
Why do the call it "getting your dog fixed" if it doesn't work after?
If Wile Coyote can afford all that Acme crap, why doesn't just buy dinner?
If masochists like to to torture themselves, wouldn't they do best by not torturing themselves? And if so, aren't we all masochists?
Why is it called lipstick if it always comes off?
Why is black history month (February) the shortest month of the year?
When people freak out they're said to be having a cow. When cows freak out, are they said to be having a person?
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they're rhetorical or not?
Why is a person that handles your money called a broker?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway while we keep worthless junk in the garage?
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
What if the Hokey-Pokey really is what it's all about?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
If quizzes are quizzical, then what are tests?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do banks leave the doors wide open but chain the pens to the desk?
What would happen if an Irresistable Force met and Immovable Object?
What the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
How can you chop down a tree, and then chop it up?
Why are both male and female ladybugs called ladybugs?
How can you hear yourself think?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
Is a hot car cool or a cool car hot?
How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
If the Flinstones were B.C. and before America, how they have Thanksgiving and Christmas?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why is that we believe someone when they tell us there's over a million stars in the universe, but when they tell us it's wet paint, we have to touch it to make sure?
If you feed a bee nothing but oranges, would it make marmalade?
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put your two cents worth in?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?
Why do you get on a bus and train, but get into a car?
Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl but bad to be a Momma's boy?
How can something be new and improved? If it's new, what is it improving on?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why did the name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
How does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?
If you get cheated by the better business bureau, to whom do you complain?
If you're in hell, and are mad as someone, where do you tell them to go?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why doesn't superglue stick to its container?
Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a woman's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a building if it's already built?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it's named after?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it called "after dark" when it is really after light?
Why is it so hard the remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called a cargo?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it that when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why is it that when two planes almost hit each other it's called a "near miss"?
Why is it that whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelt the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelt the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
What's the protocol if a package says "Open somewhere else"?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out the water?
Why can't the make the whole plane out of the same material as the little indestructible black box?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers become distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?