100's OF FISH WITH HUMAN LEGS WASH UP ON FRENCH RIVIERA!
No, T&A doesn't mean this article will be all about sex, sex, and, uh, sex. It's a new segment I've come up with to write about whenever I can't get an idea for a real article, which seems to happen quite a bit lately. T&A stands for Tabloid and Article.
You see, I have this nasty habit of reading while I do my oh-so-exciting job, and sometimes, when I don't have a book, I read tabloids. They are the most astounding of magazines. Where else will you learn about the man who hypnotized a woman into marrying him, or that Eminem curses so much because he has turrets syndrome? Tabloids provide the most interesting of all news, and we all owe the writers of fine magazines like the Weekly World News and the Sun a great thanks.
Now, there are a number of different tabloids, dealing with different levels of really really fucked up shit, and I will provide a guide, by comparing the screwed-upedness of tabloids to tv/movies, a genre that is much more understandable by most of my readers.
| Name | Stories | As Screwed up as... |
|---|---|---|
| National Enquirer/National Examiner | Celebrities and what they do all day. Also includes bizarre stories about celebrities' personal lives. | ...that scene in Pulp Fiction where John Travolta shoots up. |
| Globe | More stupid shit about celebrities. Also, miricle pets that save peoples' lives and that kind of shit. | ...the scene in Summer of Sam where the dog that he killed in an earlier scene tells Sam to kill people. |
| Weekly World News | Screwed up news. | ...the last 3 minutes of that episode of South Park starring Radiohead that aired last week. |
| The Sun | In my opinion, the end all and be all of tabloid journalism. New prophecies from either Edward Cayce or Lourdes every week, as well as news that would scare the average NY Times reader half to death | ...the completely unneccessary chest shaving scene in hte movie Seven. That was by far the most fucked up scene in the history of recorded media. *SHUDDER* |
Anyway, for the puposes of the introductory article in this series, I was hoping to find the article I read the other day about John Travolta trying to get Robert Downey Jr. off of drugs through Scientology, because then I could make that vital comparison of crack vs. Scientology, but its not online, and my favorite tabloid, the Sun, isn't either. So, I cut my losses and went on to this charming story from the Weekly World News.
100's OF FISH WITH HUMAN LEGS WASH UP ON FRENCH RIVIERA!
France is under attack! This time, unlike all those other times, its fish with mysteriously human legs. The French government made especial note not to use the term "Frog" for the marine based, legged lifeform, because then I would be able to use "France invaded by frogs, Irony Police Sit Idly By and Laugh" as a headline. Also, to my knowledge, the French government is considereing how best to deal with this invasion, although most immediately decided to surrender to the fish.
French bashing out of the way, let's look at the article, which follows a vacationing American couple from Ohio to the French Riviera, a Riviera known for its snooty contempt of Americans (Sorry, I like to make fun of the French. It's fun and easy.). Before they could lounge on the beach full of mimes and prostitutes, however it was closed because of the hundreds of half fish half men that washed up on the shore, gasping for breath. The fish were between one inch and six feet in length.
When reacher for comment, one of the mimes said nothing. In fact, he seemed to be trapped in an invisible box. There may be another story here...
The size of the fish in question is an interesting point in this newsworthy story, because it tells us absolutely nothing. just that the fish weren't tiny minnows and they weren't giant salmon.
When reached for comment, the American husband had this to say:
"The smell was the worst of all. It was a combination of dead fish and B.O. It reeked for miles."
It was obviously his first time to France.
--Scuba Steve, July 17, 2001
*Scuba's views about the French are not necessarily the views of Scuba about the French. Try and follow that one.