Three Bears

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The Three Bears

Once upon a time there were three little bears - a Smoking Bear, a Well Manicured Bear, and a Ratboy bear. These bears lived in a house in the woods, which is very unusual for normal bears, but not for those involved in heinous conspiracies.
One day The Well Manicured Bear was making porridge for breakfast, but the porridge was too hot. He was a hopeless cook. The bears decided to go for a walk.
While they were out, a beautiful little girl with long golden curls and an FBI badge came to the door of their house, and knocked. Her name was Scullilocks. She knocked and knocked, but no one answered, so she drew her SIG Sauer P226 and kicked the door in. Scullilocks was lost and tired, and very hungry. That Guy had gone for coffee and donuts and hadn't come back.
"Hello?" she called out. "This is Special Agent Scullilocks, FBI! Is anybody in here?". Nobody answered her.
Scullilocks went into the dining room, where she found three bowls of porridge on the table.
She tasted The Smoking Bear's porridge, but it was too hot. Also, it had a cigarette butt in it. She tasted The Well Manicured Bear's porridge, but it was too cold. This is what happens when English people are let loose in a kitchen. She tasted the Ratboy Bear's porridge, and it was just right! He must have cooked it himself, she thought. So, naturally, she ate it all up.
Then she decided to sit down in the living room and read a magazine. First she sat in The Smoking Bear's chair, but it was too hard, and was covered in cigarette ash. Then she sat in The Well Manicured Bear's chair, but it was too soft, just like its owner. See what happens when you keep tipping off the opposition? Finally, she sat in the Ratboy Bear's chair, and it was just right. Unfortunately, it only had one armrest. Just as she started reading her magazine, the Ratboy Bear's chair broke into a hundred pieces! Luckily, her lightning-fast reflexes and gorgeously toned muscles prevented her from falling and suffering an injury. She planned on sueing someone over it, anyway.
Scullilocks was very tired now, so she went upstairs to look for a bed to lie down in. First she tried The Smoking Bear's bed, but it was too hard, and the sniper rifle kept digging into her ribs. Then she lay in The Well Manicured Bear's bed, but it was too soft. If only he hadn't given That Guy those coordinates...
Finally, she lay in Ratboy Bear's bed, and it was just right. She had to throw a whole bunch of magazines about naked men off first, but it was a very nice bed. She fell fast asleep.
A little while later, the three bears came home from their walk. They went into the dining room, and sat down to eat their breakfast.
"Somebody's been eating my porridge," said The Smoking Bear, glaring at the others.
"Well, somebody's been eating my porridge too," said The Well Manicured Bear, "so stop looking at me like that!"
"And somebody's been eating my porridge," said Ratboy Bear. "And they ate it all up. Boo hoo! I'm getting my gun!"
The Bear family went into the living room to discuss what should be done.
"Somebody's been sitting in my chair," said The Smoking Bear. He admired the shapely outline in the ash.
"Somebody's been sitting in my chair," said The Well Manicured Bear. "Where the hell has my copy of The Times gone?"
"Somebody's been sitting in my chair, too," said Ratboy Bear. "And they broke it into a hundred pieces. Boo hoo!" He deftly slapped a fresh magazine into his pistol, which is no mean feat when you only have one arm.
By now the Bear family was quite upset. They went upstairs to check the rest of the house.
"Man", said The Well Manicured Bear, "they better not have touched my Spice Girls collection!" They proceeded to inspect each room. Soon...
"Somebody's been sleeping in my bed," said The Smoking Bear. He carefully propped the Mannlicher-Carcano rifle against the wall. It had some sentimental value.
"Somebody's been sleeping in my bed," said The Well Manicured Bear. He hoped the others wouldn't notice the empty vaccine syringes strewn about his room.
"Somebody's been sleeping in my bed," said Ratboy Bear. "And there she is! BITCH!"
"GROWL!" said all the bears.
Scullilocks woke up with a start, and the bears chased her all around the house, until they were quite exhausted. But not Scullilocks - she works out. They all stopped running, and Scullilocks turned to them. She explained that she was lost and hungry and that she was very, very sorry that she didn't have a warrant. Ratboy Bear was still very upset. All the bookmarks had fallen out of his magazines.
"So", said The Smoking Bear, as he lit up a fresh Morley, "That Guy has let you down again, Agent Scullilocks?"
"He is such a disappointment!" said The Well Manicured Bear."And after all the help he's been given, too!" He looked around, then hastily added, "But not by me, you understand!" Phew. That was a close one.
Ratboy Bear sneered as he addressed the others. "I told you that you should have let me kill him when I had the chance! We always end up in a mess because of him!"
"Shut the hell up!" snapped The Smoking Bear. "You're worse than The Fat Bear sometimes!"
"Yes, and do stop waving that gun about!" snapped The Well Manicured Bear.
"Look", said Scullilocks, "I'll leave you guys to it, you obviously have some problems to work out-"
Just then, the back door opened, and in walked X Bear and Deep Throat Bear.
"Where the hell have you guys been?" asked The Smoking Bear.
"Why are you never around when we need you?" whined Well Manicured Bear. "Can't you see we've had a home invasion?"
It was then that they noticed that X Bear and Deep Throat Bear were carrying empty styrofoam coffee cups and had sugar on their lips. The kind they put on donuts.
"So", snarled The Smoking Bear angrily, "you've been secretly meeting with That Guy again, haven't you?!"
"Because of you, this pretty young lady broke into our home, ate our food, damaged our furniture, and messed up our all of our beds!" raged The Well Manicured Bear. He turned to Scullilocks. "Not that I mind, my dear - after all, I know how difficult life can be when you have idiots for partners..." He glared at the others.
The Smoking Bear stubbed out his cigarette with grim finality. "What the hell are we going to do about this?"
"Well, I'm going to go shoot That Guy." said Ratboy Bear.
Deep Throat Bear rolled his eyes in disgust. "You're such an idiot!"
"Yeah", said X Bear, "you'd probably shoot your other arm off by mistake!" He'd never liked Ratboy Bear."
"Hey, now wait just a second-!" began Ratboy Bear.
"That's it, you're all crazy! I'm leaving!" Scullilocks had had enough. "I'm going back to Shturmie's place. Don't even think about trying to stop me!" With that, she spun around and walked out. Outside, she pulled out her cellphone and speed-dialled Shturmovik[KGB]. As she walked down the path, she could hear shouts and the sound of things breaking in the cottage behind her. She smiled, a mischievous little smile.
And she and Shturmie lived happily ever after.

The End.

1999

duane_barry@altavista.net

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