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[Late one night at a local radio station...]

Host: "OK, let's go to the 'phones and take our next caller! Hi there, you're on the air!"

The Cancer Man: "Hello?"

Host: "Hi, you're on the air."

The Cancer Man: "Huh?"

Host: "Did you want to talk about something with us?"

The Cancer Man: "Uh... is that Deep Throat?"

Host: "Well, I've been called a number of things in my time, but I must admit that that's a first! You're on WDIK Late Night With Rich - would you like to talk about something? Anything at all."

The Cancer Man: "Look, this is no time to fool around! Where the hell is The Well Manicured Man? Is that you, The Fat Man?"

Host: "OK dude, this is your last chance - would you like to talk about this new FBI internet monitoring device? If not, I'll have to cut-"

The Cancer Man: "FOR CHRISSAKES! How many times do I have to tell you guys? Don't discuss Carnivore on an open line! Jeezusss!"

Host: "Ahah, so you are familiar with Carnivore! But did you know that it could be used by the FBI to intercept the email of anybody on the internet?"

The Cancer Man: "Look, Goddamit, you know Carnivore is just a smokescreen! Now stop f**king around and put The Well Manicured Man on!"

Host: "I'm... sorry... you're referring to whom?"

The Cancer Man: "Oh, you'll be sorry alright, you big fat tub of sh*t! I'm gonna come down there and-"

CLICK

Host: "OK, we don't need to hear that, but obviously some people aren't too happy with the FBI and their plans. Let's see if we can find somebody else to talk to, so... Hi there, you're on the air!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Hello? Are you there?"

Host: "Yup, go right ahead. What would you like to talk about?"

The Well Manicured Man: "I thought we were going to discuss the invasion plans?"

Host: "OK, sure, which invsion plans are you referring to, buddy?"

The Well Manicured Man: "Which...? Why, the alien colonists, of course! Which plans did you think I mean?! How many invasions do you have planned?!"

Host: "O... K... so, the aliens are coming to invade us, huh?"

The Well Manicured Man: "Well, of course they... who is this?!"

Host: "I'm Rich, the Talk With Me Man on WDIK's Late Night With Rich - what's your name, friend?"

The Well Manicured Man: "Have I won something...?"

Host: "Well, you get to talk to me, if that counts?!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Goodness me, this bites!"

CLICK

Host: "O... K... what fun we're having tonight! Let's take another caller... go ahead caller, you're on the air."

That Guy: "Hi, I'm a long-time listener, first-time caller, I'd just like to say that this show is really great and- "

Host: "Uh, That Guy, you're not fooling anybody with that southern accent. Dude, don't give up the day job, OK...?"

That Guy: "Uh... um, well, can I talk about Carnivore, Rich?"

Host: "Sigh... I suppose so..."

That Guy: "Great, well, as you know, it's a 'black box' that is being systematically installed at all the ISP's in the United States and-"

[Suddenly, the call is disconnected and the lights in the studio go out. The studio powers-up again just as mysteriously...]

Host: "Wuh-oh, that's weird! Well, folks, my engineer is frantically signalling to me that we're back on the air! It looks as if we've just had a little black-out here at WDIK and... OK, the board is really lighting up, so without missing a beat let's... Hi, you're on the air!"

The Cancer Man: "I warned you, didn't I?"

Host: "You warned me? What did you warn me about, buddy?"

The Cancer Man: "I told you not to discuss Carnivore."

Host: "Oh, you're that guy again- "

The Cancer Man: "How dare you?! I am not! That Guy is a jerk! I'm somebody to be respected! How- "

Host: "No, no, I don't mean That Guy, I mean you are that guy that called before, the one that said I had a deep voice!"

The Cancer Man: "What...? You're an idiot! I never- "

CLICK

Host: "OK, that's about all I need to hear from him, let's take another one... hello?"

The Well Manicured Man: "Yes, hello, I'd just like to say that that man was called The Cancer Man, and he's a complete raving looney! If I were you, I wouldn't take any more calls from him!"

Host: "OK, and why should we take any more calls from you Mr, uh...?"

The Well Manicured Man: "Smith. My name is Smith. And I also think that this radio station is absolute rubbish! Why don't you give away prizes to your callers? A friend of mine won a car from a radio station, once! And why is it that you people are always- ?"

CLICK

Host: "...Hello, caller, you're on the air!"

The Cancer Man: "Don't ever cut me off again, or- "

CLICK

Host: "Jeesuss... hello, you're on the air - don't fool around now, let's hear some good stuff!"

The Fat Man: "Um, can I sing a song?"

Host: "Look, pal, can we talk about tonight's subject, huh? Or anything? Let's talk about this administration's policy on- "

The Fat Man: "But I'd really like to sing a song..."

Host: "OK, you know what, if you wanna sing, go take a shower!

CLICK

Host: "NEXT"

The Well Manicured Man: "You are a very rude young man! You should learn to have more respect for ones elders! Why, I- "

CLICK

Host: "OK, that's it, lucky last... talk to me!"

That Guy: "Yes, plees, 'ello, thees ees a long-time leestener, first-time caller- "

CLICK...

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

1999

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